One time while I was in college this girl went up to the pulpit to bear her testimony and said, "I don't know what I'm going to sing, and what I'm going to play, but I feel inspired to sing my testimony today." She then sat down at the piano and sang her testimony. It was a pretty song, but I could not believe she dared make up a song in front of the congregation.

Does anyone have interesting testimony meeting stories?

ZOMG my mom has a similar story from the 80s. Some woman wanted to "sing her testimony!" I wish I knew more about the surrounding circumstances. The all out WORST testimony meetings for me were:

-- The one where an older woman in her eighties or nineties got up and talked about how Harold B. Lee and Ezra Taft Benson helped her at the grocery store...last week.
-- The one where a woman talked about how she got arrested at the Denver temple because she couldn't afford a hotel and she slept in her car (for some unexplained reason the cops thought she was on heroin),
-- Every F&T growing up because we *all* had to give our testimonies or my parents would grill us about if we had lost our testimony. We would get in trouble if we didnt give it.

this was very early 80s, not long after the change from one-piece to two-piece garmies. Many people hadn't made the switch or were still wearing out the long johns. So anyway, this girl has her baby blessed in F&T and half the congregation that day were her relatives. They could hardly find room to make a circle with all the guys who were standing in it for the blessing. So when lie & cry starts she's the first one to jump up to the podium. With all her family in the congregation she says, through tears... "We knew this baby was going to be special because he was conceived while we were wearing our garments."

Can anyone top that?

What may be stranger is that if the congregation thought it wasn't the least bit weird.

LOL!

Is that where "I will through the veil" comes from????

Will you give it to me?

The sure sign of being nailed...

You people should be ashamed of yourselfs for making light of other peoples beliefs and feelings. You may not agree with them, but to them these events have great meaning to them and all you silly people can do is redicule.shame on you!

Sorry, but someone thinking her baby is going to be special because he was conceived when his parents were wearing underwear
is laughable no matter how seriously the woman takes her sacred-to-her beliefs.

puna Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You people should be ashamed of yourselfs for
> making light of other peoples beliefs and
> feelings. You may not agree with them, but to them
> these events have great meaning to them and all
> you silly people can do is redicule.shame on you!

Notice that I use my actual name. Making light of oppressive and idiotic subcultures seperates us from the Scientologists. There is no shame in exposing stupidity. You come across as the kind of naive person who has yet to consider intelligent criticism.

As they would say at Hogwarts, Bugger Off!

One of my first experiences of Home teaching, was for a widow in our ward. She was a sweet lady - generous and very intelligent (she had been a schoolteacher before she retired).
while HT'ing her, she made a great impression on me by telling me that she had seen the spirit of her dead husband while going through the temple.

but

every couple of months she would get up in F&T meeting and tell us her latest spiritual experiences. apparently her dead husband was not content to merely visit her in the temple.
he would accompany her on the bus, walk around the local supermarket with her, and point out groceries she had forgotten. he would sit and watch the TV with her to give her company.

These sort of stories actually made me feel more endearment towards her as a HT charge because - in my view, then - she was clearly heading towards some sort of dementia
[I dont think that, now - I think she was just lonely, rather than senile]

EssexExMo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> One of my first experiences of Home teaching, was
> for a widow in our ward. She was a sweet lady -
> generous and very intelligent (she had been a
> schoolteacher before she retired).
> while HT'ing her, she made a great impression on
> me by telling me that she had seen the spirit of
> her dead husband while going through the temple.
>
> but
>
> every couple of months she would get up in F&T
> meeting and tell us her latest spiritual
> experiences. apparently her dead husband was not
> content to merely visit her in the temple.
> he would accompany her on the bus, walk around the
> local supermarket with her, and point out
> groceries she had forgotten. he would sit and
> watch the TV with her to give her company.
>
> These sort of stories actually made me feel more
> endearment towards her as a HT charge because - in
> my view, then - she was clearly heading towards
> some sort of dementia
>

Well, yes, but, I know of a similar incident when someone claimed to have a dead relation walking with them. -And an independent witness actually saw the person who was with them!

I wish I had your faith in such complete and utter bollox

{err..... actually, No, I dont}

I have another story. Once in relief society the bishop came in at the beginning of the lesson to say he had a message to read to us from the first presidency. The letter stated that the leaders of the church felt inspired it was time to start living the law of consecration. The letter suggested we all start deciding what things we can give away to share with others less fortunate. After the bishop read the letter, he left and the teacher wanted to hear all of our thoughts on the letter. Most of the girls in the room were emotional and a lot of them stood up to bear their testimonies about how exciting it will be to live the law of consecration. They bawled as they talked and I started thinking of all the jeans I owned and how many I should give away.

After about 6 testimonies, the teacher interrupted and said the letter was fake. She wanted us to feel what it would be like to really live the law of consecration.

goddamm commies!

As a young boy growing up I always hated F&T meetings. It was always the same people,,with the same crying jag. Several times me and another boy got sent out because we were laughing at something someone said. Don't think I ever went to another one. I never got up and bore my testomony,,guess I never really had one.

I served my mission in the south, as such there are a lot of converts that retained a lot of their former beliefs. We had a lady that was converted who liked to bear her testimony every month, one time she got up and started going off raising her hands and shouting Hallelujah!! Hallelujah!! and speaking in tongues, I found it absolutely hilarious, but there was one member who was extremely upset and kept saying "They need to shut her up, they need to get her off the stage" I can't believe the bishop isn't stopping her" It was great, I was thoroughly entertained!!

The 7th AoF talks about tongues. I understand that the powers that be interpret that to not mean speaking in tongues anymore, but my mother believed in speaking in tongues. She said there were a couple women who did it in her ward when she was growing up and everyone admired them and were in awe of their abilities.

I served in the South too, and there were some doosies.

In area 1 this guy gets up and starts talking about how he had a very sick daughter...so he boiled the bible, and then took the BOILED water and POURED it on his daughter...and by gosh she was healed!!! (I'm healed, I'm healed STOP IT STOP IT!!!) There were 6 elders in the branch and we were all trying to stay serious and not crack a lung.

In another area the large Neal Carter type black woman gets up and starts saying 'Danke Schonen' over and over again, then as a token of her gratitude has this recently returned missionary who had served in Russia come up and she gives him a rose.

Another time this weird guy who has baptized his weird friend gets up at the baptismal meeting to give the talk on baptism and starts going off on all the new 'dating opportunities' he would have now that he had joined "You will be able to date women of FINE character.."

The guy later got kicked out of a Wal-Mart for harassing one of the cashiers trying to proposition her for a date.

"But I was just trying to be friendly Elder Primus"

I would always sit there while the testimonkey speaker would be crying.

Everybody else would be also be crying because they were feeling the spirit.

While everybody cried, I would sit there and wonder what in the hell was wrong with everybody else.

This happened about once a month.

Years ago, I visited my friend Sally in Las Vegas, who took me with her kids and we all went to SM.

She had previously "taken in" a homeless member to stay with them for a few days. And he went with us to SM, too.

During the testimonies, he got up and went to the pulpit to share his feelings. Facing the congregation (back to the bish), he said,

"I think Sally is the only true Christian here. The rest of the ward......" - he raised his middle fingers, and then sat down.

At the time, we were all highly embarrassed.

But now, it seems pretty cool.

There was a family down the street that had several kids and one FT meeting their 12 year old was passing the sacrament and he passed out. His parents never even got up to see if he was ok! The bishop came down and in a voice loud enough that everyone could hear said "he needs something to eat right now". The bish had the sense to say it loud enough that the idiot dad would act on it from peer pressure.

Off the topic of FT meeting. A few years later we found ourselves sitting behind their then teenage daughter at a high school basketball game. We had a good laugh when my wife pointed out the thong sticking out of the back of her jeans. What your parents don't know would probably drive them crazy if they did...

Decades ago a local elder in our podunk Cali town got up to "brag" his testimony. He had been to conference in Salt Lake. Of course he sat in the nosebleed section in conference, but he bragged that he "saw the prophet." And he went on, "I could see God in his eyes." He must have had hawk-like vision.

Got up and fervently said: "I know the Bishop lives...."

True story.

Too funny!

we had a guy stand up once and tell the ward he was happy not to be having sex with animals anymore. another time his brother stood up and said he was glad his father no longer beat him.

Wow, just wow. Fine, no more beatings are a good thing. But come on, animal sex really. Where the hell was this crazy ward, because I want to go to this area. This is very much a need to know not a want.

I NEED to know this, too.

dthenonreligious Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Wow, just wow. Fine, no more beatings are a good
> thing. But come on, animal sex really. Where the
> hell was this crazy ward, because I want to go to
> this area. This is very much a need to know not a
> want.

Seriously. I spent the first twenty-one years and four months of my life in the Church, and I've never even once heard a testimony sung rather than spoken. Charlie, the one you described would have moved me, too.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2012 11:14PM by scmd.

My family lived in Fresno for a time when I was in elementary school. The missionaries were teaching a few guys my mom said were from a small assisted living facility for individuals with developmental disabilities. One of the poor gentlemen, who I certainly hope was eventually deemed to be not in need of baptism, walked up to the pulpit, held up a button, and announced, "I found a button. If anyone lost it, come talk to me after church."

Even as a kid I remember thinking that the poor guy seemed more sincere than anyone else who bore a testimony that day.

No way. I don't believe the animal sex testimony at all.

I do believe the beating the kids testimony. Heard that one a lot when I lived in Hawaii :/

The next F & T after Gordon B. Hinckley died, I got up and said "I know that President Hinckley is the true prophet..." It was pretty embarrassing LOL.

That is a fine indicator of the involuntary blabbering that testimonies are. I have said vein and repetitious prayers where I pray for deceased grandparents after they have recently passed away, but the unthinking testimony, happens every month. The muscle memories had GBH as a reflexive reaction. No need to be a witness to anything there, just rattle off your AA spiel, and move along.

I hate fast and testimony meetings! Can you tell?

In a singles ward, a lady got up and was all verklempt. She was saying that she knew "of a surety" that the holy spirit helps us all and that god is there for all of us in our times of need.

Her testimony building story was that every time she put a load of laundry in the washing machine, if she became distracted with something else, she would feel a burning in her busom at the exact time fabric softener needed to be added to the wash.

Seriously.

He's concerned about the softness of your laundry. OMG

Hmm, where to start? A few of my all time favorites...when the ancient organist got up and spoke from the beginning to the end of F&T meeting. About 45 minutes on her childhood in England. No other testimonies were heard that day.
The time my Sunday School teacher ( i was about 14) got up and repented for stealing the sound system out of the chapel for his band...The time one of the ward members visiting mother in law, got up and started loudly accusing from the pulpit, certain members of the ward of railroading her son-in-law, "There's no way blank could have made nasty phone calls to you, blank...I was with him all day that day"...I have about 25 years of these to draw from. Sadly, I could go on all day.

Once we had a guy get up and was bearing the usual stuff,then he went on about what a wodnerful country we live in (scotland)then went on to rant about the westminster government and how we must all vote,scottish national party as westminster was full of people who hated scots,you would have thought he was at a political rally,really denigating the english,as I was english I stood up and said (as no one tried to stop him)get that guy down from there or I walk out right now,he stopped himself went and sat down,everyone carried on as if it was normal.

When I was at BYU, my ex and I were in the Newly-wed and Nearly-dead ward. Some of the stuff that came out of the mouths of those oldtimers was amazing. This one, however, made me choke, turn red and walk out of the chapel:

"...and brothers and sisters, I'm here to bear testimony it scared us kids enough to turn a "n-word" white!.."

Provo 7th Ward, circa 1979.

Ron

Here is my favorite f&T meeting. I was in a student ward and the Bishop bore his testimony then opened it up to the congregation. No one stood up so he dismissed us and we went home early. Best meeting I have ever been to. It was also fun to see people squirm and uncomfortable before the Bishop stood up and closed the meeting.

It wasn't funny, but you did remind me of the most unorthidox testimony I heard. A sister in her late 80's rose and make the same introduction only she didn't make it up. She sang "O, My Father", one of my favorite hymns when I was in. Her voice was thin, her volumn low. One of the few times a testimony was real and heart-felt that it moved me to tears. Doctrine doesn't matter, but faith does.

When I was eight or nine, one of my brothers was going through an inactive period. One of the old ladies got up in F&T meeting to say how "brave" my sister-in-law was for coming alone each Sunday. The look on my sister-in-law's face was heart-breaking - part defiance, part shame.

Some kid said he knew Abraham Lincoln was a prophet of god...


Another time on the mission some member had a goal to render testimony each month. This was December, so he recounted each of the other eleven months that year and each months challenge to bear testimony. His struggles were not even interesting. I was embarrassed for him, and I had no idea who he was. This was in eastern Canada when the ward met in a Jewish synagogue.


And when missionaries or those going on a mission stand there and say that they would not be going on a mission if the church was not true. That is fingernails on a chalk board to me. Who made that jack-hole the keeper of all knowledge? As a tbm that was about as dumb as it ever was. It is even more so, as the brainwashing has not even drip-dried for these kids.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2012 11:59PM by cheezus.

We lived in a foreign country a number of years ago. One of the sisters, an emigrant from Russia always wanted to bear her testimony by playing the piano. She was a fabulous pianist, but the song was always the same, and very long. They always had to interrupt her in the middle.

About 2 years ago we had a guy get up and start ranting about the sinful Cinco de Mayo party the ward was having that week and spouting all kinds of racist things about mexicans. Half of us just sat there with our mouths hanging open in shock and the bishop didn't do anything about him, was just sitting up on the stand picking dirt out from under his fingernails.

Saw a guy take the hymn book up and do this same thing. In a singles ward. Couldn't sing for crap either. I had to book it to the foyer because I couldn't control my laughter.

dcam Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> One time while I was in college this girl went up
> to the pulpit to bear her testimony and said, "I
> don't know what I'm going to sing, and what I'm
> going to play, but I feel inspired to sing my
> testimony today." She then sat down at the piano
> and sang her testimony. It was a pretty song, but
> I could not believe she dared make up a song in
> front of the congregation.
>
> Does anyone have interesting testimony meeting
> stories?

There was one recently (I heard from my mom) that someone in her ward was bearing his testimony and it went....

So the other day I was at Starbuc....um, I was in front of Starbucks.... :) Busted.