Last October, I was scrolling through my FB feed and saw a long distance friend's status update that read something to the effect of:

"For anyone who hasn't heard {insert name} died in her sleep last night. She will be greatly missed." -- {husband's name}

She was a young mother (in her 30's) of three who, apparently, fell asleep around 4ish one afternoon and never woke up.

She was also LDS and struggled with an addiction to prescription medication. She acted the part well enough (or the church ignored the issue long enough) to have been to the temple fairly recently before her death. I had been aware of her struggle for at least 2 years prior. I'm not sure who, if anyone, from her ward knew really knew what was happening...or if anyone even cared enough acknowledge it, to be honest.

Anyway, her husband refused an autopsy (which I didn't realize was an option in a death such as this -- but, apparently, in a small, heavily-populated LDS town, when the person has a history of heavy prescription use, it is). I approached him about the cause of death a few weeks later, and he just told me it was "an unfortunate combination of medication that had been prescribed to her".

In January (exactly 90 days from her date of death, in fact), he changed his relationship status on FB to being "in a relationship". Along with this "announcement", he changed his profile picture to a pic of him and her together. Last week, he changed his relationship status to "engaged"...and posted a "family" picture with "New Woman" and her daughter, along with him and the three children. The kids look shell shocked, to me anyway -- especially the oldest. But there they are -- all smiling...AS IF MY FRIEND NEVER EXISTED. As if this woman had raised my friend's babies their entire lives.

I went back to look through their history -- they became FB friends about 2 weeks after my friend's funeral. I did question him, and he told me they met on a LDS dating website. He didn't say when they met, but did say that he had been ready to move on from my friend for quite sometime, because of "her poor decisions". He went on to tell me that the children "are excited to have a new mother". He closed by telling me that he and the children are "just relieved it's all over".

In early April, another friend or family member posted a picture of my friend's headstone and tagged her, so I was able to see it.

My heart hurts so badly. To see her name and dates there, in stone atop her grave. It's a "combined" headstone with her husband's name already carved into it, along with their "sealing date". It looks like the plot next to his has already been reserved for him. But...what now? Will he be buried beside her and this new woman on the other side? Perhaps they'll just get a new headstone so both of them can share his name forever.

I'M SO MAD!!!!!!!

On a side note, he was alone with his father when he died a few years ago -- apparently they went on a hike out of cell range and his dad just dropped dead. He couldn't call for help, but hiked back down to call the police and then led them to his body. Now he was alone with my friend when she died.

I know it could just be me being sensitive to my friend's memory...but something doesn't seem right :(

Oh man. I'm sorry.. . .

**Sorry...I meant "the plot next to HERS", there towards the end.**

I'd be thinking that something's not right too.

I am sorry for your loss. That's awful and I can totally see where your suspicion would come from.

So sorry about the loss of your friend. YOU honor her in your own way. You grieve how you need to.

I think it is a VERY bad idea for this man to get remarried, even date, so soon! He is making a very foolish decision and could be doing some irreperable damange to his children.

Thinks the speed of it all just sounds too fishy.
The lack of an autopsy is suspicious.

RMM

The lack of an autopsy is out of respect for her and for life insurance purposes. If it's found she purposely OD'd her kids and husband may not get anything. I can't imagine marrying someone so fast if my wife died, but she hasn't so I don't pretend to understand why some men rush into this, my guess is that her prescription use may have been a strain in their marriage and he may have been ready for a change for some time. Addiction can be a tough thing to live with for years. So sorry for your loss.

OTOH, if it was homicide some policies provide double indemnity but not to the killer. If the level was fatal of prescription drugs but in the range prescribed, the doctors could be sued. Her husband had to be dating before the death.

Further, as to insurance it usually pays even a suicide if the policy were in force long enough. Accidental death is paid and unless the levels were extremely high would be presumed. Poison would also be detectable. Unless she were cremated, some may be testable even after burial.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/18/2014 08:21AM by rhgc.

I'm sorry that your friend died. I understand why you would feel angry. To me, it would be far too soon for anyone to remarry, but the LDS tend to marry with dizzying speed.

Having said that, my observation is that some men do not do well without a partner in their lives. Perhaps that can be generalized to say that some people don't do well without partners. And it may be that your friend was not truly present in that marriage for a very long time. Addiction can really take a toll on families. There may have been a lot of hidden agony there.

I'm so sorry your friend died. It's a terrible situation. She was so young. It's nothing but sad. I'm glad she had you for a friend.

I had a friend who died in almost the same situation.

Her husband moved his boyfriend in the same week of the funeral. They had two small children at the time.

It was the saddest situation i've ever seen. So many unanswered questions.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/18/2014 12:17AM by madalice.

What a story.

The question you should be asking and reporting to the police would be if he gained financially from both his father's mysterious death and his wife's. It may just save another life if someone can connect the dots. It often seems to take 3 or more such deaths around a person to establish a pattern and suspicion. Especially with no autopsies performed. Remember the upstanding Mormon man who planned his wife's "accidental" death in the tub post facelift? So sorry for your loss.

Thank you for that perspective, Almost. I hadn't thought about that perspective on the autopsy.

I've thought about their situation for a long time...it's been in the back of my head -- how difficult it must have been to live with -- and love -- someone with an addiction.

Though he also refused to help her seek treatment. I got one phone call from her telling me that he took some time off work so she could "detox" at home. She told me she had seizures and they had to send the children away for a few days...she recounted a horrific experience. He wouldn't allow her to go to the hospital. He basically told her that she had gotten herself into this mess (by taking the medication prescribed to her after her pelvis fractured during the final weeks of her last pregnancy) and she needed to get herself out of it.

I was horrified.

In the end, she was reclined in a chair, in the living room, unresponsive for 16 hours before her children discovered her dead the next morning. He didn't try to wake her, nor did he try to call for help.

I'm horrified now, too.

I have thought about going to the police, but worry so much about the turmoil it would bring to the kids. I have also approached her family (mostly of whom are exmos, btw).

They're devastated and heartbroken. They report spending at least a year, trying to convince them to get her some professional help. In fact, a family member met with them a week before her death, begging that they consider a treatment facility.

No. They/He refused.

Anyway, her family feels obligated to support him in this new life he's building...for fear they will lose all contact with the kids if they don't.

Thank you, Summer.

I'm so glad I got this off my chest...I really appreciate the different viewpoints. You're right. Sleeping in that chair very well could have been what she did all the time. It could have not appeared to be any different that night than the night before...or however many nights before that.

I'm just so sad.

Even with treatment, there can be multiple relapses. The cycle goes like this -- treatment, okay for a while, relapse. Treatment, okay for a while, relapse. Over and over and over again. This is assuming that good quality treatment is available and affordable. It may not have been. In between official treatments the family tries to handle it on their own, much like your friend's husband did. Sending the kids away for a break is fairly typical. And sitting up in a chair, unresponsive, may have been how your friend often spent her days. Personally, I would not try to judge the husband's behavior. Living with addiction can be horrific.

Sorry -- See my reply above!!

I am an ER nurse...I know people drop dead. That's one reason I've kept my thoughts to myself. (Well, except for here, I guess!)

I've just never met anyone before who happened to alone with two close family members when they died unexpectedly. But, again, I've kept it to myself. I've tried hard to see the bigger picture...and the bigger picture is painted with heartache from every angle. It's been a terrible few years for all of them.

The fawning comments to the pictures is nauseating. People are literally acting like she never existed. I can't stand it, so I try not to read much of it -- and, like I said, I keep my thoughts to myself.

I wonder though if the new woman's family knows about what happened...or if they just think he lost his wife 2-3 years ago, when this mess began.

There was a thread about this issue at large a few weeks back but I can't find it now. But posters told stories of people they knew who proposed to a new spouse WHILE their current spouse was I. A hospital bed dying. In one of them the extended family thought it was romantic! It's disgusting beyond words, but it's common. I'm so sorry for what you and her family are going through. And the typical Mormon "move on/get over it" and duplicity in putting a picture with his wife on Facebook then SUDDENLY announcing engagement to someone else!! That type of thing is common too. I can tell by your posts you are a good, loving, active friend (there really is no other way to be one!) and it sucks that she married a man like that when she had people like you in her life.

Yeah, my suspicions are raised from this. I've watched probably a hundred 48 Hours Mystery and Dateline murder mystery episodes and it all sounds very much like he MAY have had something to do with her death. Several red flags here. Of course we should be careful not to jump to conclusions either. I would keep an open mind and check things out. You never know.

I had a close family member die in a freak accident when I was with them. I had to put up with innuendo and snide remarks made by certain other family members about me being involved in their death. This even happened at the funeral

They didn't really believe it, but they were angry, lashing out and I was conveniently there. I suspect that's what you're doing regarding these deaths. You're angry about their deaths and perceived lack of concern by this man. However you know she was a drug addict and his father was a middle aged/ old man. People can and do just drop dead, especially in these circumstances.

I remember what a train wreck I was at the time and tbh the comments nearly pushed me over the edge. I'm not one to weep and wail in public for others amusement and so prove I'm upset, so maybe they didn't know. I think if one of them had made a complaint to the police, as you're proposing, it probably really would have been too much on top of everything else.

Sorry -- My reply posted above...

I am an ER nurse...I know people drop dead. That's one reason I've kept my thoughts to myself. (Well, except for here, I guess!)

I've just never met anyone before who happened to alone with two close family members when they died unexpectedly. But, again, I've kept it to myself. I've tried hard to see the bigger picture...and the bigger picture is painted with heartache from every angle. It's been a terrible few years for all of them.

The fawning comments to the pictures is nauseating. People are literally acting like she never existed. I can't stand it, so I try not to read much of it -- and, like I said, I keep my thoughts to myself.

I wonder though if the new woman's family knows about what happened...or if they just think he lost his wife 2-3 years ago, when this mess began.

I used to be co-chairman of the regional LDS single adults, and we computed the numbers, and the average time a Mormon widower takes to get married is 5 months. We women used to say, "How quickly we are replaced.

I was replaced 2 years before my TBM husband divorced me. Most men line up their next wife before the other is gone, so they will have, as Dr. Phil puts it, "A soft place to land." Well, bully for them.

The average Mormon widow takes 5 years to find someone, if she lives that long. The average Mormon divorcee takes longer that, but we didn't count the divorced women who NEVER remarry.

Some RFM posters put it this way: "In TSCC, a wife is not a person, but a role." A cookie-cutter Molly Mormon is already in that role, so there's no transition, no adjustment to be made. She just steps in. The man doesn't know or care who she really is, as long as she is obedient. I helped a lot of BYU dorm mates through breakups, and I always promised them that someone else would come along soon, and that they needed to put things behind them, and be ready for the next romance.

I still don't know for sure, how some people can not miss a beat, and move right along--and other people are broken-hearted and talk about and try to understand their breakup, which happened 30 years ago.

Are some people stronger, or just more shallow and insensitive?

Shallow/ insensitive. It takes strength to put up with the pain.

Two are dentists and one is a doctor. One dentist has seven kids, now age 3 to age 16, but they were 1 to 14 when their mother died.

The other two have three kids each, and all quite young. In every case, the widower remarried an average of 6 months after the first wife's death. All three were divorced within a year of their second marriages. Two of the three remarried again not long after they were legally free to do so. The third seemed to have learned something from his experience and now has two nannies/housekeepers so that one can be there whenever he has to work.

Regarding the strange coincidence of the guy being present when two different people unexpectedly died, I'd have a bad feeling about it, too. His refusal of an autopsy for his late wife who died in her thirties wouldn't exactly be reassuring, either.

Anon - trust your intuition...Something smells fishy with this to me too. Is there someway you can find out more details without involving the husband?

Your friend was not replaced in your heart and mind - and she never will be...

I would at the very least suspect that he was already carrying on with this woman while he was still married. I do know people who practically got engaged on their very first date, but they waited at least a year to marry, just to make sure. But you never know with Mormons. Sometimes they do some very strange and not-so-bright things.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The circumstances must make it hurt even more.

There's something bigger at stake here, too. From what you've described, there's at least a chance foul play is involved. You owe it to your friend's memory (and to the "shell-shocked" children she left behind) to have an anonymous chat with the police about the fishy circumstances and the DH's past history with his dad. The fact that DH didn't attempt to revive your friend, summon medical help, or call the police, is a big red flag.

If he had a relationship going on, that would give him motive. Even if he didn't, it sounds like there were difficult circumstances. Him telling her to "get over" her dependence on prescriptions after a fractured pelvis (and accusing her of causing the situation herself!) sounds abusive and borderline sociopathic.

You might save another life by taking action -- a way to honor your friend's memory. Yes, it may be hard on the kids, but who knows what he might do to one of them at some point?

Man, this sucks... and from my observation and what I've read on this board, this is normal for widowed Mormons. I've seen it alot. My TBM FIL's corpse wasn't cold before his temple wife (not my MIL) replaced him. Truth be told, I don't think he'd breathed his last before she had the guy lined up. But that's not the only case. I noticed a few months ago that DW's ex-bishop, whose wife died of cancer less than a year before, was remarried (apparently about 9 months after). I'm not saying people shouldn't remarry and get on with their lives...but, wow, it seems like (from what I have seen in life and on RfM), widowed Mormons work really quickly when it comes to remarriage.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/18/2014 09:02AM by stillburned.

Here's a weird story. A friend's mother remarried several years ago. She is several years older than him and she has it in her head that she will most likely die first. She is upset because she knows how quickly Mormon men remarry and she is afraid he will fall victim to a gold digger.

Here's the kicker. Her workplace is dominated by women and there is a group of single older women who scan the obits to see what women have died leaving a husband behind. One or more will attend the funeral and approach the grieving widower pretending to have been an old acquaintance of the deceased intending to develop a friendship with the bereaved; the goal is to marry the guy quickly. I know it sounds unbelievable but it's true.

Sorry for you and your friend. Hopefully things will turn out okay for her kids.