My boyfriend and I just had sex. One time. We both went in and confessed. My bishop said we could keep dating and that things will be okay after we repent. His bishop said to break up and cut off all contact. He had a disciplinary council and his bishop's requirement is that he not have any contact with me for at least nine months. He is on formal probation and his bishop told him that he could be kicked out of BYU for not following his bishop's council. I think this is overstepping the line of a bishop to not allow someone to speak to another person for NINE months. Has anyone had an experience like this?

>I think this is overstepping the line of a bishop to not allow >someone to speak to another person for NINE months.

You're right, of course. I'll try to take a believer's perspective for a moment and avoid criticizing your boyfriend's bishop. The bishop's responsibility is to help your boyfriend repent, not destroy your boyfriend's relationship. Spending time with a woman and talking to her is not a sin, so there's no reason visiting and talking should be forbidden. Note that your bishop seems to understand this.

Nine months is an eternity to anybody under the age of 30.
And more than an eternity to a couple in love.

The sad fact is, that many couples who are split apart
for that length of time will "find somebody else." Perhaps
that is what the Bishop is counting upon.

When you surrender authority over your own personal lives
to some hierarchical control figure, then you have to take
the consequences. That's Mormonism.

If you establish your own set of rules -- some sexual activity
if OK, but there may be limits on other types, etc. -- then
you have fallen into apostasy.

Cafeteria-style Mormonism is a tough row to hoe. But it may
be one step less paralyzing than that of a TBM.

Good luck,

UD



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2014 08:27PM by Susan I/S.

One more comment, and I'm outta here.

You did nothing wrong, sweetie. Except maybe to confess, which was more in the line of poor judgement rather than "wrong." I'm sorry people know, but now one must make the best of it. The real problem is how they might gab about you in priesthood executive committee meeting, or in welfare meeting. Because in Mormonism, privacy is not only not guaranteed, possibly not even encouraged. I'm sorry if you have to endure any of that behaviour.

After she left me, my own long-time girlfriend went through this with her new boyfriend. They not only had sex, but lots of it over a long period, right at BYU, right in her own apartment. She got around it for a long, long time by simply not saying anything to anybody. But eventually she did go to her bishop, and was dealt with fairly. She apparently didn't have to do anything. However, her boyfriend denied it all and was dealt with even more fairly. Just a cautionary tale to tell you that this has been happening for years and years. Results may vary. My story comes from like, 1969 or something.

I hope it all goes well for you. Keep your chin up and look at it long-term. A few months or so out, you will see how silly this whole sex-before-marriage thing and confessing to the bishop is. Don't let them have power over you.

I was still a believer had sex with my GF. I was very active at the time and was a returned missionary so I had all my endowments and whatever. My bishop liked me and my dad so I got off easy with informal probation. I was counseled not to see her anymore.


Did you confess because you are still a TBM? or is your boyfriend? Before you give up on this relationship because of something the bishop told you, make sure you know the Church is what it claims to be. You wouldn't want to give up on love just to find out later that the Church isn't true.

I'm not even going to comment on if you should or shouldn't have sex.

Instead, i'm going to tell you to BE SURE you use birth control AND a condom. Condom to protect you from some of the STD's. Birth control, because you don't want to be a teenage mom. Even though you didn't say you're a teen, i'm going to assume.

My 30 year old daughter is married and pregnant. She told me that she now gets why I was so adamant about all of that. She got pregnant on her honeymoon. I think her and hubby were both a bit shocked and unprepared for that. They thought it would take a year or two. Nope! Only a day or two.

My final piece of advice. NEVER ever tell a bishop anything personal. They are not trained in any way to deal with the issues of teens, kids, adults, or anyone! It's NONE of their business! Not only that, but what you say, can, and will be used against you for the rest of your life if you remain mormon. They keep a permanent record on you. Not just what you say, but what others say about you.

I was excommunicated in my 20's by men I've never met. I have no idea why. I don't know who was there, or what was said and by whom. I'm 60. They still won't tell me what went down in the room I wasn't in. My judges and juries decided for themselves. Not a single one of them was privy to my life and what was going on. They went strictly on what was going on in their dirty minds. Just be aware that this is how the church operates. I can't stress this enough to younger people who trust the leaders. THEY ARE NOT TRUSTWORTHY! They will work against you if they can. They are not ever on your side.

Well, it gives you more time for school. Work hard and that 9-month countdown will fly by.

You can't feel how a guy's chakras interact with yours without being intimate. The TSCC could at least acknowledge that some decent petting is a good thing during courtship. If that leads to full copulation, well these things happen and it shouldn't be a federal case.

When my Catholic fiance and I decided to get married, I arranged a meeting with a dear LDS friend, a former bishop, who's marrying licence was still valid, to ask him to marry us. He said of course, and in the conversation, stated that we should be chaste until our wedding....well that lasted about 3 days....but love is all that really matters....and oh my do I love her...41 years married this coming June.

Ron Burr

17hmb Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think this is overstepping the
> line of a bishop to not allow someone to speak to
> another person for NINE months. Has anyone had an
> experience like this?

Sounds like the dark ages where women were rushed off and hushed up until after they got their "deliverance."

I wish you wouldn't call it fornicating. That word has such negative connotations. Having sex with someone you love(or even just like and want) is healthy, normal and happy. Be happy you had sex with your man and don't be ashamed!

Now, the discrepancy between how your bishops is dealing with it is interesting. Here is what I advise: if you don't want to break up with this guy, go talk to his bishop. Tell him what your bishop said and explain that you want to make things work out. Promise not to have sex anymore. THEN transfer schools with him to some place that can't kick you out for being young and in love.

No more confession. If you've landed here, you prolly know the "church" is damaging and total weird bs. You don't need it to be happy and you don't need to feel shame for having sex. Sex is good.

I am ALWAYS willing to help when it comes to fornication :P

Again, some INCREDIBLY STUPID counsel. What is "no contact for nine months" supposed to prove?

My 2-cents -

- If your boyfriend plans on serving a mission, then he should probably heed the 9-month advice and fall in line with whatever the Bishop says. If he has no plans to go, or is an RM, and you two are in a relationship, disregard everything the Bishop said and keep banging. Once the box is open (so to speak), it is awful difficult (and frustrating) to close.

- Never ever ever voluntarily confess ANYTHING.

- Do not, I repeat, DO NOT jump into marriage in order to have sex.

- As long as you continue to be a member, you might as well come to expect more weird experiences.

On a side note - I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever counsel my children to have pre-marital sex. There are some who say, "Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage", or "Marriage is about more than sex". There is nothing in a marriage that is more intimate, requires more trust, love, closeness, understanding, selflessness, and where you are literally bearing your naked soul than sex. There are many things in a marriage where you can get by even though you might not be on the same wavelength with your spouse. No so when it comes to sex. If you want a lifetime of heartache, be incompatible with your partner when it comes to sex. It is WAY better to discover that compatibility BEFORE getting married than after.

Just sayin'

I just looked at my wrist watch and it's 2014. Young people are still being told to confess their dalliances to desk monkeys? I gotta go check my garage. I might have a fifty seven chevy out there.

Love you,Don! And ALL your writings that Cricket has posted too!!

I couldn't help but think you just had sex and then typed this based on your first sentence. Then I read on.

A hundred years ago, give or take, Dorothy did a little petting with an RM (Before Mr. Dorothy came along). I confessed and got a slap. The RM got told that he had to marry me and soon. Ummmm, even as a completely brainwashed TBM I knew that some strange man did not get to decide who and when I would marry. The RM was very taken aback when I said, "NO". "But my bishop said!" How romantic.

These bishops, no matter how well meaning, they're just guys. They have no right to make your personal decisions. If you can't get away from BYU, lie. What happens in private between consenting adults is private. It's also one of the best parts of life. Enjoy.

How can anyone have sex just once?


Why do people think byu is worth staying at?

Its cheap? Yeah, thanks, my tithing money went there.

I'm too angry for personal, flashback reasons that I'll keep it brief:

only what you and your boyfriend want in each other's best interest should matter.

DO NOT cut off contact if you love each other, or god forbid, 'just' care about each other.

You know more about what's good for your relationship than your bishop

Fuck BYU's anti-atonement policy

Yea the atonement's available to everybody, unless you are a BYU student, seeking a degree, career, and livelihood.

I'll say it again, To hell with BYU's atonement. That's the only thing being sent to hell.

...to confess to or worry about. The same goes for your BF! Here are some posts you might want to read:

"Not to worry! 'Exalted' JS had sex w/ teenage girls & women & prostitutes.": http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,939152,939259#msg-939259

"Plenty of historical evidence proves that JS was a serial adulterer (links)": http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1210292,1210425#msg-1210425

Here's what Sarah Pratt, wife of 19th-century Mormon apostle Orson Pratt, told writer Wilhelm Ritter von Wymetal (his pen name was W. Wyl) about adulterer Joseph Smith: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1107599,1107642#msg-1107642

Also, if you or your BF have an Amazon Kindle, you might be interested in "Chapter 9: Mormon Polygamy: Joseph Smith’s Infamous ‘Legacy’" at http://www.amazon.com/Latter-day-Saint-Swindle-Churchs-200-Billion-ebook/dp/B00J2ON5WK

Additional info. is at:

http://www.utlm.org/topicalindexc.htm#JSPolygamy

"In Sacred Loneliness: The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith": http://signaturebooks.com/2010/02/in-sacred-loneliness-the-plural-wives-of-joseph-smith/

Regarding your budding sex life, it's between you and your BF only. It's none of the bishop's business, to be sure!

BTW, cultic Mormonism 'brainwashes' young people to feel guilt and shame about nudity and sex. It's VERY unhealthy!

If you're interested in learning about how Mormonism psychologically wounds people and undermines their self-esteem, go to http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/

Finally, I suggest that you and your BF resign from the chronically dishonest and dysfunctional Mormon Church, which Steven Hassan, America's leading expert on cults, lists on his website as a thought-control organization (see http://www.freedomofmind.com/Info/infoDet.php?id=140 ).

Instructions about resigning (via e-mail) from the LD$ Cult are at http://www.exmormon.org/remove.htm

Best wishes!

If the CULT had trained clerics, the two bishops would agree on whatever the consequences should be. With this way, all they do is confuse.

Do what you want and don't tell the moron.

How I feel sorry for young people. Not only are they not allowed to be human but are made to feel guilty for being so.

I hate with this church does to its young people.

That being said, let me say this:

1. Never confess anything to a bishop! Never! Not ever! This can only hurt you in the long term. Believe me!

2. I suggest that you follow your heart and do what you want to do. I do not recommend following the bishop's counsel. If you want to see your boyfriend, go see him.

It is your life -- live it as you see fit.

Unfortunately within Mormonism the level of consequence depends on the level of how much you have been given. "For unto whom much is given, much is required". On that basis, Priesthood holders will suffer more serious censure for breaches than a non-priesthood holder will suffer for a similar sin.

Ummmm...the priesthood is imaginary as is the "sin".

I was BIC and grew up in Utah Valley as a Mo. I was pretty good about following all the rules with one exception. I have a powerful sex drive. I got into all kinds of trouble as a teen. I was also a schmuck and confessed every time.

It seems like you still believe. If that's the case I guess you don't have a choice. The bish is going over the line but he's the bish and that's his right in the church.

I'm guessing you're also young. You need to be careful. Take care of yourself. Make sure anybody you see also takes care of themselves. Our world is big and beautiful with many wonderful things to experience. One of religion's greatest crimes is the introduction of shame and guilt for doing what comes naturally to us.

What?!? You go and "confess" to a man when you've had consensual sex? And he tells you to stop?

Has anyone ever heard of formal probation being shortened? I think his bishop is just doing this to scare him into not doing it again (of course) and to make sure it doesn't happen again. He switches to a different bishop in a month. Has anyone had an experience with switching bishops and having their "punishment" changed?

A perfect demonstration of the made-up-ed-ness of The Spirit™--two different bishops are supposed to be prompted by the same Holy Ghost on the same sitiuation, and yet they have vastly different answers.

If that's not another proof that TSCC is bunk, I don't know what is.

Anon for this post because I'm pretty sure my brother is one of the bishops involved.....

you realize you don't have to follow his "rules" don't you? He is concerned that you won't get married in the temple and become tithe payers. That's all.

They always try to destroy your relationship if you are gay.

At least you could get married and make yourselves "worthy". Don't rush into marriage just to satisfy some bishop you may never see again.

My real advice: get out of BYU. Unless you are graduating this month you should go to another school. Your academic career should not hinge on your sex life. I went to two other schools after BYU and they could not care less whom I slept with.

I have heard once you confess to a bishop then his wife knows and some others in the ward will know. Just keep it in mind when you confess to a bishop whom is neither a priest nor a psychologist or even a trained counselor, it is not likely he will keep your confidence.

Best not to give your power away and invite them into your bedroom.

On another note, once you have had sex with your boyfriend you both will not be able to stop it from happening again. You can't just eat one potato chip.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2014 12:44PM by snuckafoodberry.

The only way to stop having sex with someone is if the sex were bad or you break up. If the sex was bad, dump him and find someone else, but make sure you have a few test drives before the wedding.

Am I the only one who sees the 9 months as significant????

I wonder if the old moron Bishop is waiting to see if you're pregnant.....and then if you were claim it was someone else!!!


Nine months....it is such a dicey number to me...but I only had six kids...so what would I know???? LOL!


You're fine. Just use protection, caution...
and NEVER NEVER confess to a Bishop unless you want to be black balled all your life in the church. Because YOUR RECORD will be "noted" and your "scarlett woman" behavior will follow you all your life in the church.

You will never be in a RS presidency or any womens presidency...if you wanted to teach Primary you'll only get to be a substitute teacher...forget about teaching in RS...


Think about your plans ahead of what you're going to be 'doing' in the church...besides cleaning toilets and handing out lesson material at the church library!

good point. Also the fact that the title of her post includes the word "fornication" Who uses that word anymore? Only someone that has been bashed and made to feel guilty for doing something that every other normal person does