Do you know what it's like to experience complete mental disintegration? I do. It happened to me, again, last night. You see, the stresses of daily life in addition to the stresses of maintaining a double life, compounded, one with another, and bit me. In this conflagration of the ego, my situation became all too clear; the motives of both parties laid bare in a temporary void of subjective thought. Maybe this is delusional, but no matter, it is how I felt last night. I managed to scribble a few passages of text together in the hours between dusk and dawn to chronicle this hellish journey.

Half of it seems cathartic, as I cannot feel when in such an emotional state. Body and Soul laid bare one before another, subjective thought subsiding and the personal narrative quieting. The other portion; hellish realization of the gravity of my reality. I mustn't forget the catalyst, the compounding of stresses. See, my parents have a habit of yelling at me and only me when certain chores aren't completed in my absence; why this happens, I have no idea. They accuse me of being irresponsible, even though I maintain high grades in school and pay my bills. They expect me to limit the amount of time I spend studying, so that I might ensure that the house remains spotless. Last night, I cracked, and steamed throughout the house while performing my tasks.

My mother confronted me regarding my attitude, asked me why I accomplished these tasks with such an 'angry spirit,' as she put it. I explained to her, that I've been overworked and overstressed by their yelling, demeaning accusations and demands that I spend more time cleaning the house than completing my studies. Needless to say, she didn't respond positively.

She accused me of being selfish, not thinking of the needs of my overworked father, not accounting for her needs nor my sister's needs. That my not cutting back on schoolwork to 'support the family' will have dire consequences. I explained to her, that it isn't the chores that tire me, but the constant barrage of negative comments towards me. This she denied and accused me of fabricating the treatment. She said "I don't know where this anger is coming from, this isn't you, this isn't the child I raised. Who are you associating with? Are you doing drugs? Whoever you're associating with is turning you against us. Telling you to disobey your parents."

She's shown her true face again. The last time I had the misfortune of seeing this face was last year, upon my confession to them about my disbelief. This is what she does when she has no means to justify her actions; she adopts a mode of emotional extortion. It's when I see this face that I realize; she doesn't 'love' me, as normal parents love, I'm an accessory. I, along with my father and siblings, are notches in her ladder to "Eternal Salvation." There's nothing wrong with her, she's faithful and obedient to the Church. The problem, must be within YOU.

"Anger doesn't come from god." She says, to which I respond "How am I supposed to feel when I'm constantly yelled at?" She repeats what she said with an addendum. "You can control your emotions. You make the choice to be angry." There it is, the accusation, "you're what's wrong with this family." At this point I'm in tears, she thinks she's broken me, because I'm agreeing with her, however only verbally. Inside I'm doing it just to get her out of my room, so I can fall into oblivion without being seen. Because at this point, the fact of her aversion towards me cannot be clearer. She's an emotional extortionist who invokes the name of religion in an attempt to control me; a skill deemed useless in light of my disbelief.

I don't know which path I should take forward, other than the path of absolute caution; a path which drains massive amounts of energy from my tiring body. I do not know where to go, nor how to arrive there with my sanity intact.

In my torment I've found no savior, in my thirst for freedom I've found no oasis.

I had a hard time growing up in a non-Mormon household, but encountered many of the same issues you are.

One day, my father told me I had a dentist appointment, but really he tricked me and it was a psychiatrist. After I was done with him (the shrink), he looked at me, pondered a bit and said:

"Can you just lay low til you get out of there? Save money. Work extra hours if you need to. But get out."

I have a feeling you would get similar advice from a professional.

Sorry, Strykary...

What exactly do they expect from you in terms of chores? Do you have set chores or a set schedule?

IMO parents have a right to expect some chores from children as contributing members of the family. An older teen might be expected to do his/her own laundry, keep his or her bedroom and bathroom clean, pack a lunch, cook an occasional meal, and perhaps help with dishes, garbage, yardwork, etc.

How much longer before you can leave?

Keep your grades up no matter what -- they are the key to your future.

Any therapist would tell you that emotions are fine. It's okay to be angry. Of course actions based on those emotions might or might not be okay (obviously you don't want to go around hitting people or breaking things.)

It isn't the chores I have a problem with -- It's the yelling.

Edit: I need to clarify. There's no list, schedule, or chore assignment. The fact is that my father becomes enraged at any dishes left on the counter when he comes home. When I'm working on homework, I must stop and do the dishes, even if that means not finishing my homework.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2011 12:39AM by Strykary.

Are their expectations for chores unpredictable?

As a teacher of urban kids, I often encounter a lot of yelling. Here are some responses that I use (with everything said in a very calm voice):

"Why are you yelling? Just talk to me (in a normal tone of voice) about what's upsetting you."

"Why are you yelling? I can hear you just fine."

"I'm not yelling at you, so why are you yelling at me?"

"I'll listen to you when you're ready to talk in a normal tone of voice."

I would try the first response with your parents. My guess is that when they are upset, they automatically yell. The two are equated in their minds. So in a way you're going to have to train them to talk in a normal tone of voice when they're upset with you.

Of course another issue is why they're upset so often. If you have a regular schedule of chores, and are in the habit of picking up after yourself, there would be a whole lot less for them to be upset about (at least, one would hope.) I would talk to them about working something out so that they feel less need to be upset. Tell them that it's in everyone's best interest to figure out this situation in order to reduce the upset/yelling.

If you haven't already talked with a school counselor about this, I would. That's what they're there for.

Edit for dishes: Are these dishes from dinner or from your snacks? Do you have a dishwasher? Either way it really shouldn't be that big a deal. About how long does your homework take? I know that some teachers can really pile it on, unfortunately.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2011 12:45AM by summer.

Dishes accumulated throughout the day. Everyones dishes including my own. On days I'm home from work early enough to eat with the family, I usually finish first. As I clean the dishes used to cook, they pile theirs on and walk away. Then again, I'm probably making this out to be more than it really is? My vision is blurred, am I being unreasonable?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2011 12:56AM by Strykary.

Dishes are dealt with immediately after each meal or snack by whomever ate that meal or snack. They get rinsed and go into the dishwasher or get washed, dried, and put away. "No dishes in the sink."

This would require the cooperation of everyone in the family. It sounds like it's not just your problem, but a family problem. I would bring this up with your parents. And if other siblings are capable of dealing with the dinner dishes, it shouldn't all be on you.

As for the dinner dishes -- I would stay at the table until everyone finishes. Then discuss who will tackle the dishes, i.e. "Whose turn is it to do the dishes tonight?" (maybe two people can tackle them together.) In my family, the cook is exempted, but everyone else is fair game.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2011 01:05AM by summer.

I made this point last night, my mother wouldn't have it for some reason. I'm going to figure out a method to cope with it, like everything else. Thanks for your help, summer. I appreciate it.

connect.

I'm having some issues with my son right now. He had to move back at age 24 and is now 25. Actually, I ask very little of him--just some basic respect (our big argument 2 weeks ago was about him being QUIET from midnight to 6 a.m. so I can sleep so I can work--he isn't employed).

BUT it wasn't the real ISSUE and that is he is an adult living at home with his "mommy."

I did go talk to my exmo therapist and he said, "NORMAL."

When you are mormon, arguing--a difference of opinions, etc., isn't considered NORMAL human interaction. We are made to feel LESS THAN. My mother always considered conflict of the devil--just like your mother does.

Gotta be YOUR FAULT because you don't believe--when it sounds like she was ANGRY, TOO.

It is of note that my kids can tell me the instances when I yelled at them--all their lives--and they remind me regularly. I worked really hard not to have conflict in my home and we still have problems.

For us--I decided to pay my son's rent for now until he is done with school so that we can both have our space--as we both need it.

I hope you can get out of there soon. Even if it wasn't mormonism, once you reach a certain age, parents and kids never see eye to eye (even at age 3--my son started debating me at age 3).

I am going to address the “dishes” part.
I’ve learned a little something about “dish duty” throughout my life.

When I was a child of six with a brother of five and another of four, we were set up with chairs and made to do the dishes every night. Fifteen to twenty mins and we were done.
I think nothing now of taking five, to fifteen mins and knocking out the dishes and never leave them over night. I do this no matter where I’m at in the world. There is nothing more disheartening than to wake up to a sink full of dirty dishes.

Imagine now that every time you get up and go into the kitchen and the sink and counter are clean. That clean area that’s ready for a new start kinda puts a joyous little pop into the coming day. A dirty kitchen puts a damper on the days start and is just adds to the stack of stressful things that all of us have to deal with in our lives here in these united states.
If you want to get long term points and change the way you are viewed at home and release a little stress for everyone at home, then do this one small easy thing.

Make it your job to do the dishes every night that includes cleaning/organizing the counter and stove. Take fifteen mins or less every night till the day you move out. The payback for this small and generous effort is huge. I know you got studies and feel your time is strapped. You have time for dishes I assure you. Don’t advertise your intent for this long term plan. Start by saying “Hey mom, I got the dishes, they’ll be done before you wake up”. Then you don’t go to bed till dishes are knocked out.

I can clear and clean the table and do the dishes, clean all kitchen surfaces and do all this during the commercials of a half hour show and never miss the program. That is how insignificant the amount of time required to knock out this easy but hyper appreciated little chore really is.



Try it for a month and see if you don’t notice a change of attitudes in the house. Oh and one more thing, it’s free!

Hang in there and try to ignore the negativity and don't respond to it. Easy to say huh? Yeah I know. It takes practice. We are with you.

What I'd like to know from you is how it works out--even if you do this for a week. Just focus on the dishes alone.

I know as a mother how difficult it is to have cleaned and then walk in and see that things are messed up again. It is rather disheartening. Dishes and laundry room. Laundry room is my BIGGEST ISSUE.

BUT I actually believe there is more going on here. With my mother, there were days that it didn't matter how much we did around the house, ANYTHING could set her off and you can't keep every little thing done.

Keep us informed on how this experiment works.

My parents can't see the other side of me and don't know what kind of pressure I put up with and I can't explain to them why I feel the way I do. So, I've done the dishes without any complaints and such. The problems over the dishes have mostly gone away and now they're tacking on several extra chores because I've been getting the dishes done quickly.

But it's all about pleasing my father. He likes certain types of productivity and making sure the house is spotless is his highest concern. My doing school-work when there's chores to be done is unacceptable to him. He still yells. He still wants me to forgo my school-work so I can clean the house, or rake the lawn or anything else he can think of at the time. When Dad's angry, he gets what he wants or I get in trouble.

There's not really much I can do about this, so I'm going to make the best of it.

Thanks all for your insights and advice, I've really appreciated it.

Obviously, it wasn't about the dishes.

Sounds to me like you will never be able to please them.

You live at home, so this is difficult. It won't matter what you do.

Were they not so demanding or unreasonable BEFORE they knew you didn't believe?

They were as demanding, yes.

Your schoolwork is your (eventual) freedom. I would try to get as much as you can done before your dad gets home.

Keep doing the dishes, and do a reasonable amount of other chores. But point out to your dad that you are not the only kid in the house. Other family members need to pull their weight as well.

This sounds insane, I know, but you might consider getting a part-time job that would get you out of the house and help you start to establish a nest egg. If your family won't let you take a job at a store, etc., then consider establishing a dog-walking or pet-sitting business, baby sitting, etc. Baby sitting also has the advantage of (usually) giving you time to study after the kids are in bed.

I've got a part-time job, averaging twenty five hours per week. I pay for my gas, cell phone bill and make my car payments.

cl2's right, I will not be able to please them. Whenever I do something they want, they pile more on.

You won't be able to please them.

So do (what any rational person would consider to be) a reasonable amount of chores, and just shake off your parents' criticisms. Detach. You can't fix them. But you can keep working toward your wonderful future.

It will get better someday. Please trust me on this.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/28/2011 09:19PM by summer.

They may regard you as an adjunct to themselves and not as an individual in your own right, who is supposed to leave the nest and fly! Your mother may even be jealous of all the opportunity in front of you that she does not have due to the decisions she made for herself. Your father sounds like a very controlling person

Be watchful that you protect your ability to go on to school. Please do not let them extort and guilt your future from you. I suggest you plan to go away to college. Top colleges have very good financial aid for their students. Aim high!

If you are already paying your own bills, you may be able to become emancipated and live on your own. Your school counselor can inform you about that.