When I was a young BIC TBM many decades ago, there were three questions that were constantly on the lips of the congregation, none more than my bishop father: "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" and, "Where am I going?"

These Plan of Salvation questions were intoned often from the pulpit in the special "testimony voice" that is reserved for divulgences of the most spiritual importance. They shaped my life and my testimony more than any other trick the Mormon's had up their sleeve.

It usually went something like this: "The most important issue that all of mankind struggles with are the answers to these three questions. (Repeat them slowly here, preferably over-enunciating each syllable to reaffirm again that all of mankind is obsessed with these questions.) We are so blessed as members of the one true church to have the answers to these questions and to have the peace that they bring. (My chest and my head would both swell at this point--but I was eleven so I can forgive myself.) This would be followed by the usual indication that the rest of the world think they know happiness but they do not which became the theme of my farewell speech.

Cut to now--some four decades later. I have answers to those questions now. Answers that do bring me peace. Not a false arrogant peace like before, but an inner satisfaction that comes from having learned from enough mistakes to have made my life worth it all.

WHO AM I? One more human being on the planet who lives in a time of plenty when I can pursue my dreams instead of scavenge and hunt or defend on a physical level. I have talents, communication skills, and emotions that allow me to fully interact with everyone else which is what brings me the joy.

WHY AM I HERE? Because my parents conceived me and I survived my trip down the birth canal. That's enough to know for me. I appreciate that I was loved and cared for, I wish everyone had been. However, because I don't know why I am here, but have considered it often, I have come to the conclusion that what is important for me is to grow and to learn and to NEVER LEVEL OFF. I want accomplishment.

WHERE AM I GOING? I do not know. I need first hand knowledge) Because I don't know, I feel a freedom to live in the here and now. This allowed me to erase the chalk board my Mormon culture had written on and start fresh, constructing my thoughts and plan for life from fact and first hand experience alone. This not knowing is a blessing and this not knowing is what led me to my ultimate motto:

The true test of a man is not, "Can he meet a certain challenge? Can he adhere to a dogma or creed? Can he follow the rules, jump throughout the hoops with flair? But rather, for me the true test of a man is, "What will this man do when there are no rules? When there is no reward? Will he still love, nurture, and aid? Will he still strive for perfection? Honesty? Integrity? Will his life still blossom with empathy?"

What will you do when there are no rules? What will you do when no one has spelled out the commandments for you? Will it be important enough for you to strive for the best in yourself if there is no God to reward you? No angels to sing Hosanna? That you don't get to be the ones who made it all the way to the top to become God's chosen lambs?

For me, the lack of belief in things outside myself increased my belief in my self. For me that is Who, Why, and Where.

I have a deep belief that each of us has a very profound goodness in us. It is innate, it is not a gift from a magical being. Only we can take it from ourselves.

Thanks. I find myself satisfied to be out of Mormonism. But DH and I haven't quite figured out "what now?"

We've been accustomed to the long term family plan offered by TSCC. Now we get to define our own plan, and I feel intimidated by that.