Mormonism has played a large role in my own alienation from my past. I have felt like a man with no past, although it's a little better since the advent of Facebook. Is this familiar? Here are my thoughts. Maybe it's just me.
1. The beliefs of my childhood I could not sustain as my brain matured. I'm a different person now. 2. My family is still TBM, so our relationships have been strained, shared memories are different, core experiences have different meaning. 3. My parents moved from Illinois to Zion, (S Jordan) so there is no single homestead area. Visits to the area of my birth and teen years are non-existent. 4. My HS friends and I are able to reconnect through Facebook, but there remains the strange distance I felt as a Mormon kid among non-Mormon kids. 5. Doctrines and social mores in the Church--we are a peculiar people, we are God's chosen, be in the world but not of the world, hold higher standards---I'm different. 6. Mormon shame about sexuality. I could not show my obvious attraction to some very hot girls who were not Mormon, who wore provocative clothes. Awkward. 7. Constant attention to my inside state to make sure I was feeling the HG. 8. Going away to BYU after graduation, then a mission. The goals were alienating. 9. My Mormon friends are ashamed of me from my childhood, my mission and as a young married person. Even my daughter who is still Mormon and I have had a hard time connecting. She is so much like me, but Mormon and 33 this year with 3 kids. It must be mentally painful. 10. Did not learn from Mormon culture how to connect deeply with people. 11. I divorced a TBM woman, mother of my 5 kids, and a person whom I would never have married in the first place without being sexually repressed. We were a horrible match but I believed the church leaders when they said any two faithful members could make a marriage work. SWK, wasn't it? 12. This one I don't blame on the church-I chose to be a therapist. I hear lots of intimate details of peoples' lives, but in a clinical, detached way. If I see people in public from my practice, they have the option to pretend they don't know me in order to preserve confidentiality.
My life is exceptional with great connections with people in my present, my current life. But I feel disconnected to my past. You? Or is this me alone?
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/19/2014 01:49AM by gungholierthanthou.
BICs usually have it harder, as it's all they've known. I'm a convert, divorced from a BIC TBM, after 32 years and four kids. I had to start my life over from scratch, socially, emotionally, and financially. It's been a really tough 14 years. But I've survived, and made some significant progress.
Looking up old high school friends doesn't seem to work well, as everyone has moved on with their lives. All we can do is take the day we are in and try to make the best of it, no matter how disjointed it is. Some days are good; other days I tell myself that it's been worse.
Be kind to yourself and keep trying. Live in the moment, and appreciate any small joys that come your way. It's all we have, really, as life is fleeting.
I feel I have no past. I don't know anyone from my past. My family is too broken to be around.I can't handle their snotty criticisms, and acting like their better than me. I moved a lot. It prevented me from having lifetime friends. The one exception was my sister. Until I told her I was done with the church. She won't pick up the phone or answer texts. My first grandbaby will be here soon. I'm putting my energy into helping my daughter. I'm lucky my kids live close by. We love spending time together. I'm also lucky that I like solitude. I always have. I paint and garden. Not exactly group activities.
I moved a lot, too, often not by my choice. At last count it was 30 residences. I'm now settled in for good, hopefully.
My mother and two sisters are too dysfunctional to be around.
All I have are my four children, a few grand-children, and my one brother. Thank goodness we are all on good terms. Some of them live in the area. I like solitude, too. It's definitely a positive when one lives alone.
Maybe I wouldn't even be aware of this issue if it weren't for people who seem to have all the connections, the stories from church mags about multiple generations of happy Mos. I'm definitely envious. I want my kids to have a network. But I can't give something I don't have. Of course, you guys ain't chopped liver.
Mormonism consumes your life and when you leave it, there is a black hole where relationships should be.
Since the past is damaged, I learned to live in the moment. I enjoy talking with people and doing volunteer work, but I'm careful about discussing my past. So in a sense, the past is still reaching into the present and limiting relationships.
I agree with you. For some reason I can be pretty apathetic towards others now. I am only in my late 20s, but I feel like I never learned how to connect with others outside of the LDS context, for many of the reasons you mentioned.
I remember my past all too well, and with horror. But I am cut off from those unstable people now. I've lived in my home for sixteen years since I bought it. In that time my elderly parents have moved eight times through three different states. They just moved again last week, I heard, with the old man in a wheelchair after heart surgery.