Date: February 10, 2014 08:07PM
I had a pretty messed up adolescence and young adulthood (I'm still a young adult, but I mean 19-23 or so) in terms of unfortunate happenings/mental health issues. I always suffered from depression and converted as a teenager because I thought it'd make me happy. Got engaged, the whole bit. After I figured out I was a feminist and a lesbian and, oh, also that it was all fucking crazy, I thankfully left, but felt lost afterwards in a new city (a very conservative city, where you really can't be outwardly gay) and quickly fell in with a bad crowd and into a horribly physically and sexually abusive relationship that ended in hospitalization (for me) and jail (for her). When it was over I was still reeling, my parents still weren't speaking to me and blamed me/my gayness for the abuse, I felt like an evil sinner, I was more depressed than ever--it was real, real bad. I was a mess. And when I got a new girlfriend, who became my wife, I took it out on her. I hated that I was gay and hated my whole life, in addition to losing my faith, not being able to talk to any of my old friends, and having virtually no family anymore (we've since reconciled and they've accepted it, but they were downright cruel at the time). I was emotionally abusive to her and acted just plain crazy; I hadn't dealt with my abuse at all and suspected her of just about everything. I was crazy jealous, neurotic, angry, pretty much everything awful. Like I said, I was a damn mess. The last few years had emotionally shredded me and I shouldn't have been in any kind of relationship. I also didn't believe I was worthy of any kind of love. I couldn't believe she might actually care about someone like me. I felt broken and horribly damaged (and then I proved it).
She loved the hell out of me, was endlessly patient, and we were able to salvage some happy times, and explosive loving, in the midst of it all. We got married in a whirlwind of romance even though I never really acted right; I got better after we got married and was acting better towards her, but the damage was done. Cue six months later, she says she can't forget how I treated her at first and she wants to leave. She left without saying goodbye.
I was utterly destroyed but knew I deserved it and have never blamed anyone but myself. That was a year ago and still I can't forget it. I know she was the one and nobody will ever love me like that again, and so I've grown more content with filling my life with other things, even though all I ever wanted, really, was to be married and in love. I date sometimes to distract myself, but I can't love anyone else, that's for sure. It's only gotten worse as time has gone on in terms of my certainty that she was the one real love of my life, the once-in-a-lifetime thing. I considered suicide but am not brave enough, and now I'm more mentally stable and just sort of get through the days. Some days I don't even think about her but I never feel that I can love another person even for a moment.
I wish things were different.