I’m sorry in advance for this being so long, but please read and help if you can . . .

I need help.

(Throughout this post I refer to my “parents” as the “seeders”—as I only acknowledge them as my biological parents, because I refuse to call them mom and dad. You’ll understand… keep reading…)

I was born and raised in the church. There were 10 kids in our family. And both seeders were abusive to all of us. I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abused by them. They would take turns as to who would “discipline” the kids or they would tag-team. I was repeatedly told that I was never wanted and that I was an accident. And my brother sexually abused me. Needless to say, I suffered severe depression and tried to kill myself multiple times in multiple ways and hurt myself by cutting. I just wanted the emotional pain to go away, so I would cut myself or put pushpins in my wrist trying to draw blood—anything to cause physical pain to distract from the emotional pain. I felt like I had no control over my life. I became anorexic and bulimic at one point—not because I thought I was fat (even though I repeatedly was told I was by the seeders) but to feel power and control over my own life.

I was 13 when I received my patriarchal blessing. I went through the interview process with the bishop and went home feeling guilty that I didn’t confess that I let my brother touch me when I was younger. (I don’t remember the exact age this began, but I remember I was younger than 9. I can’t remember when it stopped).
I had been told that if you weren’t completely worthy for your patriarchal blessing, that when it came time for it to happen, nothing would come out. I was scared, yet again, of this happening so I prayed to God for forgiveness for letting my brother touch me and for me liking the feelings it evoked. I don’t remember feeling anything, but I felt like I had repented so I went back to the bishop and told him how I “let” my brother touch me and how I prayed and felt I was forgiven. All he said was “Okay.” No follow up questions, he didn’t ask who it was… Betrayed yet again. What happened to my brother? Was he interviewed and disfellowshiped or given a stern talking to? No. The Bishop just ignored the situation. Men called of God?

And the seeders taunted us, telling us to go ahead and call the cops. The cops would just put us in a foster home where the foster parents would abuse us. IT was a double-edged sword. Which was the better choice? And I found lists they would keep on my brothers of every single little thing they did wrong so they had proof of their wrongdoings to prove they should be sent to jail. It was disgusting reading journal entries, finding documents, and other miscellaneous stuff like that. Who did I come from?

My older sister and I attempted to run away a few times. Each time we would get caught (either someone tattled on us or the seeders caused it) and then get taunted again. “You want to leave? Okay, go ahead.” To which, my sister and I would finish packing and try to walk out our bedroom door. That’s when the violence began. Mr Seeder would rip the suitcase out of our hands, empty it, and turn on us—hitting us so hard we’d fly onto the bed. It’s like they were always looking for an excuse to hit us, to “punish” us, etc. And I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I admit, there were times where we would intentionally pick fights with the seeders because we just wanted the tension to hurry up and go away. And I would try to encourage them to hit my face so that I had proof to show the cops. (School officials knew all about the abuse—so I’d go to my counselor and tell her what happened. And each time she had to call the cops, and each time not a damn thing was done. We tried to find a safe haven, a friend in the ward that we could run to if things turned violent at home. The seeders discovered this location, I think by tricking my younger brother into telling them. So they would call this person’s house every time we ran after the attacks against us, and let us know that we needed to come home. There were some times where they went to grab Arby’s for dinner, as a bribe. But they would only be nice for a couple of days, and the cycle would repeat. Even now I still feel caught in their web and nasty cycle they started.

Mrs seeder was always calling me fat and lazy, even though I was stick skinny (and have pictures to prove it) and would verbally beat me into working out. Then when I started doing it every day or doing it in addition to the aerobic class I was taking at school, mrs seeder would become all concerned I was having weight issues/self image. She would never tell me I was pretty. She refused to talk about sex or how our bodies change—she waited until I was 17 to give me the “sex talk.” And all she asked is if I had questions. Really? Like you expected me to just automatically know, assuming someone else would answer all my questions so you could be off the hook. I was shamed about wanting to learn about my changing body. I would have to hide in the library and try to read these books or try to discreetly check them out of the library and hide them at home.

About the suicide attempts:
I ended up in the ER for 2 attempts. My siblings and I would plead with our bishop to do something about the abuse at home. There’s one particular bishop that said he was bringing the seeders in for counseling. That was it. They didn’t get their temple recommends taken away. They still had church callings. No one believed us because of the façade the seeders had created. They had definitely gotten creative in ways to hide that abuse was going on (which I still don’t understand how they could pull it off) I was always told—“I can’t see them doing that. They would give the shirt off their backs to help someone.” In 9th grade when I went to seminary I prayed hard about who I could seek out to help me. I was prompted to seek the help of my seminary teacher. My seminary teacher was amazing. He believed me right off the bat and asked if I had talked with my bishop about the abuse. I told him yes and that nothing was being done. He said he would talk to my stake president and make sure he knew what was going on. Even that didn’t change the situation at home. So…2 times in one year I tried to kill myself. The first time I ended up in the hospital the social worker came in and asked me about life at home. She asked if I was being hurt at home. I didn’t say anything. What was the point? No one believed me. She said she was going to take my silence as a “Yes.” I got admitted to a behavioral health center for my suicide attempt. It was complete and utter hell. I honestly don’t know how that environment can help anyone struggling. All it did for me was give me different ideas of how to kill myself in the future. Well, my bishop came to visit me one day and I remember asking him frantically, “Do you believe me now?” I told him there was no way I could go back home because I was scared this was going to happen all over again. (That’s another story—the seeders would try to push me to get me to harm myself or try to kill myself; once they found out this was my weakness they preyed upon it). He said that he would find somewhere I could live so I wouldn’t go back home. Nothing happened. The day I was supposed to be discharged I was screaming and crying about not wanting to go home. That’s when I finally admitted the abuse. I still got sent home, but a police officer came to my house that day to get my statement about this “abuse.” Imagine trying to have a private and sensitive conversation at 14 with a police officer about your abusive “parents” while they’re in the next room listening. Again…nothing happened. I confronted the bishop about why he didn’t find a place for me. He told me he never promised me such a thing, and that it would have to be decided by the seeders. Complete and utter bullshit. I cannot believe the blind eye that everyone turned. It was both men and women, but mainly men of the church in positions that could have helped me. The spiritual abuse that comes into play is that everything was used against us. Perfection was demanded and brutally punished if not met. I could do 20 things right, but if the 21st thing was wrong (like getting my first B in school)—all hell broke loose and we were punished. There were times I desperately needed a priesthood blessing, but I felt forced and cornered into asking mr. seeder for one because everyone else turned me away or asked me if I asked mr seeder first. When I said no, I was reprimanded and turned away, even when I told them he made me uncomfortable. Desperate as I was, I turned to mr seeder for priesthood blessings. There were occasional blessings where I think he must have felt the spirit because nice things were said, but the majority of the blessings were spent lecturing me about how God was mad at me, I needed to change and repent, I wasn’t good enough, how could God love someone like me, etc. Those blessings also had commands in them too; things to bend me to the seeder’s will and manipulate me.

Fastforward a few years. I’m engaged and going through the temple for the first time, just a few days before my wedding. Mrs. Seeder butted her way into being my escort, guilting me into not arguing with her because “They usually have the parents as the escort.” My first temple experience was horrific. I was terrified and wanted to get the hell out of there. Once I was in the celestial room, my family came swarming at me asking me what I thought. I was panicking. My fiancé saw this and came over to me. I told him I had to get the hell out of there. He told my family it was late and he had to get me home and we took off. I couldn’t stop bawling and shaking from the experience. I was so confused because what I felt was not what it was described to me. I didn’t feel peace or comfort. It then made me feel guilty, like maybe I wasn’t being spiritual enough. My fiancé and I talked for awhile at my place. I didn’t even want to get married in the temple anymore, even though our wedding was 2 days away. He helped calm me and even admitted the things that bothered him were the same that were bothering me. Our sealing was amazing. I was focusing on my husband and all my love for him. I think that’s why the only temple work we could ever do (that we were comfortable with) were sealings.

We were married just shy of 4 years before we started trying for kids, but found out 6 months into trying that we BOTH have infertility. We did numerous tests, discussed options, pursued some things and then were told we have a 0% chance of having our own biological children. We were expecting this (since we already had been told our diagnoses) but it still hurt to hear. We had 3 options: do nothing, use donor(s), or adopt. At that point we had already decided that adoption was what we needed to pursue.

Fast forward to this past Fall 2013:
Four years into trying for a baby (and 2 years into the adoption process) we finally got the call that a birthmom chose us to adopt her baby boy that would be due in a couple of weeks. My husband and I were in shock; a little bit of joy, nervousness, but most of all just flabbergasted because we weren’t expecting this. We decided to go with the flow, meanwhile praying about whether or not this was the right thing to do. My husband surprisingly wasn’t pleased at the news, and felt a bit like the whole thing just felt “wrong”, as he put it. He didn’t know how to describe it. When we talked about praying to know if it was right, it was at that time my husband told me about all the doubts with faith he’d been having over the 8 years of our marriage and how he couldn’t do this stuff anymore. I was devastated and felt my whole world fall apart. What did that mean for us? I was so scared that our marriage was over (or might as well be) because if he didn’t believe any of it then we wouldn’t be together forever. That crushed me.

We saw a counselor to help with the grieving process of the failed adoption and of also our decision to live childfree . (This was what we had decided we wanted right before we got the adoption call, so with the failed adoption it allowed us to grieve the loss of having children). I thought things were getting better until I realized that I was starting to feel really depressed and not wanting to live because of this heavy pain in my heart. I actually started having those thoughts, “I want to kill myself.” I couldn’t understand why this failed adoption was hurting me this bad. I hadn’t wanted to kill myself when we found out we were infertile. It didn’t make sense. We kept working with our amazing counselor. She said that this failed adoption triggered all the abuse I never dealt with. Makes sense—all of a sudden I became self deprecating and wanting to die. Those were the same feelings I had when I was a teenager going through all the major abuse. I asked my counselor why I was triggered now and not 4 years ago when we were devastated with our infertility diagnosis. She said that when we feel completely safe with someone, everything that our mind and body has been holding back comes pouring out. I had never felt unsafe with my husband, but I understood the deeper meaning. My husband had finally seen me at my ultimate worst and has helped bring me back from the edge of the cliff, and is still loving me unconditionally.
So now I’m dealing with all the abuse crap, dealing with depression and thoughts of dying, and questioning the same things I couldn’t ever really ignore. But this isn’t out of discrepancies, it’s out of emotion; part anger, but mainly pain. Now I don’t know what I really believe in. Even after I got baptized at 8 I wondered if I really knew what I was getting myself into and if I had even made that decision for me or I made it out of obligation. When I was a teenager suffering depression and wanting to die so badly—I would cry out desperately for god to please give me something to let me know I was loved—a feeling, a whisper, calmness….anything. I never got it. I felt so betrayed. I had been taught that we have a loving Heavenly Father who is always there for us and always hears our prayers. He will comfort us when we need comfort. Well, I wasn’t getting any of that. I felt even more despair and heartache. Years of this went by, but I still kept doing the things I was supposed to do. All the meanwhile the abuse was still going on and I was seeing a counselor about it. Ironic isn’t it? Especially when the counselor doesn’t believe you and calls a family session—I wasn’t allowed to speak, so the seeders got to say everything they needed to say to weasel their way out of this claim. And the counselor believed it. They look and act like such stupid people but they can be quite smart. And of course they always got smarter about covering their tracks.

Back to the present: Religion is a trigger for me. I was having panic attacks about being at church lately.

My husband and I needed to get our temple recommends renewed, and being the kind man he is and wanting to still support me, he agreed to at least try and get his renewed but would do so by being honest with the bishop about his doubts, not only doubts about the church, but about faith in a God in general. I have to say, it was quite a funny “interview”. My husband proceeded to tell the bishop about his doubts, but also expressed his love of wanting to be there for me and doing whatever he could to be faithful for me to help me while trying to get over this failed adoption. We both expressed our feelings of grief and of loss of this baby we thought heavenly father had set aside and actually blessed us with, only to be ripped away like some sick cruel joke. We also told him that I was having thoughts of wanting to die. This might not come to a surprise to most of you, but the first thing out of the Bishops mouth, after he turned towards my husband, was to proceed to tell him that he lacked faith, and that we both actually lacked faith, and that’s why we were feeling worse than others have felt with similar failed adoption placements. He then proceeded to lecture my husband on his lack of faith, and that’s why he doesn’t believe anymore. What’s funny is that my husband basically told the bishop he’s an atheist, and the bishop then correlates a BOM story, and all I saw out of the corner of my eye was my husband laughing at the bishop. (If someone just told you they were an atheist and didn’t believe in god, then what merit does a scripture hold? WTF is this bishop thinking?) After lecturing us on faith, he then tried to make us feel like we shouldn’t be sad, because he had an infant daughter that died, and basically told us in a roundabout way that if he could get over that, then we can get over this, and we need to have (you guessed it!) FAITH! How did he address my plea for help because I wanted to die(?): a simple “Has this happened before?” When I said yes and briefly explained my teen years, he turned to my husband and proceeded to lecture… yes, again on faith.

He then told us to come back in a few weeks and we could talk about renewing our temple recommends. At that point my husband basically said, “screw it” and didn’t ever look back. I went back to talk to the bishop a few weeks later and told him that things were still the same. I again was lectured about faith. I told him the thoughts of dying were getting worse and how my counselor said she thinks it’s because I’ve been triggered. He finally started to see a glimpse that what I was experiencing was not normal (as he compared us to another couple in the ward that had a failed adoption after they already had kids). Yeah, that sure is the same thing. They at least have kids. He made me come back in a week or so for my temple recommend interview. So he brushed me off 3 times for an interview and with my concerns with dying. I received his approval for another recommend. He agreed to meet with me early Jan 2014 so we could try to help me heal from the abuse. About the temple recommend: I honestly tried to get an appointment with the stake president. I had it scheduled and had a panic attack a few hours beforehand. I cancelled the appointment and left a message asking for a call back to reschedule. I called 3 additional times and never heard back from anyone. At that point I was already feeling like I was drifting away and just didn’t care to try anymore.

I had to cancel “healing session” appointment with the bishop because I couldn’t’ handle talking about everything going on, especially when he didn’t really believe me to begin with. It was around that time that I stopped wearing garments. So eventually I stopped trying to get it renewed because I knew I was going to do something that would make me “unworthy” of it anyway. My husband at this time was at peace with his decisions and had been reading letters on this site and finding some that might help me. Suddenly I felt like I needed to completely break free from the church so I could work through the abuse. I felt I needed to have an outsider view and make decisions on my own. But I felt like I had to “sin” to break free. So I had my first alcoholic drink with my husband recently. Nothing happened to me. No buzz, nothing. I experimented for a bit with drinks, but because of my own health issues and meds I’m on, I stopped. I’m getting a tattoo instead. :)

As my husband pointed out to me recently, me and him haven’t been happy going to church or going to the temple almost our entire marriage… we always hated going, having to teach primary (for 4 years btw lol), going vt/ht, cleaning, all the calling responsibilities, etc. etc. We’ve been “Sunday mormons”, if you will. He pointed out that if the church is “really true” and “the one true church”, why would we hate to do all of these things? Wouldn’t we have such a great feeling as to go out of our way to do nothing but dedicate our lives to God? He said, “I see [my friend] (who’s Christian btw) so happy all the time, and even [His aunt] (also christian) going out of their way to help out those in need and lead church charities because they want to.
Everyone in the church only wants to visit you on the last weekend of the month just because the EQ prez wants numbers. Lol. He makes a good point, so part of me wonders if it is even all true and how I can even handle processing something this big mentally right now.

We know there’s going to be lash out from friends and family who may think we’re not responding well to the failed adoption and not having enough faith to get through this trial. We can assure everyone this is not the case. This has been a huge EPIPHANY for us. It’s caused us to revaluate life and our priorities. We have a deeper passion and commitment for each other. We’re the cautious type, so we even asked our counselor if this path and our decisions were healthy or just a knee-jerk reaction. According to her, and other people I’ve read exit stories from, it seems that this is HEALTHY.

So yes, we have been seeing a counselor over the past few months, and even they think it might be a good idea to step away to ‘heal’; especially given that religion is such a huge trigger for me given the tie-in with the abuse and indoctrination of the seeders.

My husband has sent me quite a few articles and videos to watch that I liked. One common theme I keep seeing and hearing is that I need to “deconstruct” and step away in order to heal these emotional, physical, and spiritual wounds… but at the same time I’m scared to think that the church—of which I’ve been a TBM of—isn’t true… where would that leave me? I’m scared to know the answer maybe. Part of me knows what I need to do, but there’s part of me that is scared of losing all the things that were promised to me as a little girl in Sunday school. Am I alone in this?

I don’t really have one question that someone can answer. I guess I’m looking for thoughts or opinions. Even someone telling me I’m not alone in my thinking. This is more of an explanation of what I’m going through and how I’m not even sure of where to start.

Sorry for making you read so much, but THANK YOU for those that took the time to read, understand my plight, and that might offer up any advice.

Thanks, in advance, for your help.

The story of your childhood sounds like a long bad nightmare.

I think your reward for surviving all of that is your husband. He sounds like he's a kind, compassionate man with good ethics.

You're so lucky that the two of you are coming out of the church together. It can be quite a jolt to find out that you've been lied to by the church all of your life.

One day I realized that 99% of the misery in my life had been inflicted on me by the church, and members of the church. I had to ask myself what I was doing by going there and forcing myself to stay loyal to a church who had never shown any loyalty to me.

It was a process, but my husband and I both left together. I read stacks of books, everything that Richard Packham has written, and MotmonThink.com from beginning to end. That was it for me. I know that the church is NOT what it claims to be. They've been lying and deceiving people since the very beginning.

My life has been so much better since I left. I used to refer to Sunday as emotional abuse day. I no longer despise Sunday. It's now one of the best days of the week. I'm doing so much better in every way.

You will find a lot of support on this site. Keep reading and doing what's best for you and your husband.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2014 05:15PM by madalice.

You don't need a break from the church - you need to walk away from it for good.
Your husband is on the right track.

You also need to cut your parents out of your life, they are too destructive.

Stop talking to Mormons and move on, preferably with the help of a non-LDS therapist.

I think you are smart not to have children.
In your case, your best bet is to concentrate on making your own life better instead of taking on someone else's kids.

You have already had to deal with a huge load of family problems, kids would complicate things even more.
Consider it a blessing that the adoption did not go through, you don't need that burden.

You and your husband can create a wonderful life of personal enrichment and travel.
Drop the negative people and Mormonism, and treat yourself well.

You can give to yourself whatever your parents did not give you - it's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Thank you SO MUCH to EVERYONE for what you've all said. I really want to respond to each and every one of you individually to thank you for your comments and to acknowledge what you said and let you know that I have found comfort in it. At this time though it's hard for me to go through and write responses for each of your responses, so I apologize for this reply being more generalized to all of you and informal. But please know that for those that have responded, it comforts my mind and heart to know that I'm NOT ALONE and that I have many people, even strangers, here to support me (and us) in this rough journey. Your words have touched my heart.

As far as all of your guys' advice about stepping away... I recognize that I do need to step away... probably permanently and not just temporarily. But here's my problem right now: I don't know how...

How do I step away from it? How do I sever the ties that are binding me to something so mentally and spiritually abusive and destructive to me right now? This is the hardest thing I'm trying to deal with right now. I'm not sure how to make that separation, and I don't think I'm quite ready to write any kind of resignation letter. Maybe I will be eventually, but how do I get both feet out of this cesspool? I feel like right now one foot is in and the other foot is out. Any advice on how I should proceed? Any steps I should take or that you all could recommend?

Again, thank you for all of your kind words. It means a LOT! Please keep them coming... I'm finding lots of strength and peace from your replies.

My advice is to take it very slowly. Also first to educate yourself. I suggest going to mormonthink.com and start reading. Did you know that in 1965 the papyrus that Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Abraham, was discovered in the back kf a New York City Museum, and returned to the church? And that they have been thoroughly examined by experts, and found to have nothing whatsoever to do with Abraham! Hmmm... the church has actively tried to cover this up. There are a lot of shocking things that the church has tried to hide from us. Did you know Joseph Smith married 33 women behind Emmas back? Many who already had husbands....some only 14 years old.....these are facts, not anti mormon lies. Once you start to realize all that the churcb has lied to you about, it makes it easier to see that it is a fraud.....and easier to walk away from. You'll realize that all that "priesthood authority, and power" is not real, and that they have no authority over you. Frankly, it has been amazingly liberating for me to make this realization. Im not resigned yet but in my head im out. It's been a huge weight off my shoulders. And I too am getting a tattoo, to commemorate it! :)
Good luck to you.... no hurries, take your time and do what you feel right about.

You are my hero today. Your story rips my heart open and then fills it with hope.

For so many people, the path out of the church is one filled with pain -- the loss of family and church and faith. But for you, the path out will be one of relief. Your family and church and faith have already betrayed you. Every path from the south pole leads north.

I'm a former bishop and I am a lot older than you. So I'm going to play my rank and age cards: When you get to the far side of this, you'll discover that the promises made to you as a Primary girl can only be fulfilled by breaking out of Primary. Look wide-eyed at the church and it's dogmas. Challenge the prophet at whatever level the moment demands. The great revelation will come: You're the revelation.

The courage that spills out of your 4,225-word story is what makes the promise come true. It fills me with hope -- and should you. Keep on. That's all the advice you need.

That is so beautiful.

Welcome to the board, Letsmosey, and thank you for sharing your story.

As an urban public school teacher, it is my observation that everyone has kids. The nice people have kids and the thoroughly nasty people have kids. The kind, gentle people have kids and the abusive people have kids. The responsible people have kids and the grossly irresponsible people have kids.

I'm sorry that you lost the parent lottery and that no one helped you. Mormon bishops are not trained as counselors and you have seen the sad results of this throughout your life.

The first and biggest lie that the Mormon church taught you is not that the church has all the answers to life's most basic questions, but that there are any answers to be had at all. Throughout human history, mankind has grappled with the big questions of life. Thousands of years ago, long before Christianity came along, Hinduism provided its followers with a panoply of gods and answers as to why everyone had different lots in life. There have been hundreds, perhaps thousands of god stories throughout the ages. Where did we come from, where are we going? The truth is no one knows for sure. If we did, we would all have one story that we could agree on. It may come down to what the Dalai Lama has said, that his religion (at its most basic core) is kindness. His religion is kindness.

It's okay to not know. It's okay to be on the search, or to rest from searching. Becoming comfortable with ambiguity takes time, but it is achievable. I personally think you should give yourself a break from all things religious. You are a good person. You will not suddenly go downhill. Your husband sounds like a good man who has provided a safe place for you physically and emotionally. Enjoy that safe place. Rest in it and find peace in it.

Get out and enjoy nature. If there is a God, then that is where he is best found. Hike up a mountain or visit the seashore. Enjoy a beautiful sunset. Let your mind air out. Let it rest.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2014 06:04AM by summer.

I want to address just one part of what you said:

". . . I’m scared to think that the church—of which I’ve been a TBM of—isn’t true… where would that leave me? I’m scared to know the answer maybe. Part of me knows what I need to do, but there’s part of me that is scared of losing all the things that were promised to me as a little girl in Sunday school. Am I alone in this?"

The church hasn't helped you so far. It (and it's leaders) have basically colluded with your parents instead of intervening. If that alone doesn't show that they aren't led by God, I don't know what else would. The church leaders have blamed you for your lack of faith instead of comforting your pain. And church has been a chore instead of an inspiration and source of joy in your life.

The church is really big on promises: promises of joy and eternal life, promises to create better people and happy families, promises of spirituality, promises of answers to all of life's questions. Can it deliver on ANY of that? Or has it just heaped a layer of guilt, stress, social pressure and busywork to your life?

In my opinion, telling you to have more faith is just adding magical thinking and guilt to life's problems. It doesn't solve anything. You've had real pain, real abuse, and that needs to be validated and addressed with therapy and a lot of soul searching.

Finding out that you've been wrong on all your assumptions can be a real jolt, and it can send you reeling for a while. But in the end, you will have lost nothing eternal by leaving, because it's all a fantasy to begin with. What you will gain back is your own life, including:

-your time
-your money
-the right to think your own thoughts and have your own feelings
-the right to ask ANY question you want, and find the best answer, without pressure to reach a predetermined correct answer
-the right to choose who you want to associate with

I could go on and on. But what seems overwhelming and scary right now, is really the opportunity to create a new and better life. You are so fortunate to have a loving and supportive husband! Stay close to each other and eliminate toxic people from your life.

The Mormon church makes people crazy. RUN !!!

Of course Mormonism is not true.
The Book of Mormon is a fraud - DNA shows that Native Americans are NOT of Hebrew descend.
They originated in Asia.

The church wants 10% of your income, free work, and breeders of more tithe payers.
For that they promise you some nebulous Salvation in the hereafter.
It's just snake oil from the old West.

Shake off the brainwashing and start enjoying your life guilt free.
You deserve better than being mired in such crap.

Oh, letsmosey, I wish you were here right now so I could give you a big hug. Please accept my virtual one. It took a lot of courage for you to lay your story out like that and I'm sure it was painful. I hope it was somewhat cathartic too. This response might be a little long, but it's intended directly for you.

Imaworkinonit just pretty much said almost everything I'd like to say to you, except she said it better. Although there are a number of things you said that I relate to, I also wanted to address your feelings like everything that had been promised to you as a little girl might be ripped away.

The thing is, the promises of a happy family life, of comfort for your soul, of all the things the church was supposed to bring you in THIS life have already been ripped away. So I know the feeling that the only thing you have to fall back on is the promises of what you might get in the next life and you've been told to endure all the misery to the end in order to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Unfortunately, the mormon afterlife is as false as the rainbow's pot of gold. It takes very little study to find out where those teachings all came from. And it wasn't from God. It was from a number of 19th century sources. You feel like someone punched you in the gut every time you first learn that there's a simple explanation behind all the things that at one time you thought were the great mysteries of God. Your rosy little world is caving in on you and it's hard to see through the dust and rubble. Trust me, most people here have been there.

But after you climb out from under the rubble, guess what? The sun is shining. Brighter than you ever imagined. And when you ask yourself what you have to live for if you're not sure there's anything on the other side, you have just given yourself the answer. No one knows if there is an afterlife or anything about it. NO ONE. So be ok living in the mystery. Embrace the spiritual power of the universe. Let it be. Those three words have become my mantra over time. Lennon and McCartney wrote all the scriptures I'll ever need.

What you DO know is what you have right here. When you quit living for the next life, the life you have here becomes more important. You realize that eternal life is not what you take with you. It's what you leave behind that goes on. If there's something on the other side, you'll find out the same way everyone else does. All you can do is live the best life you can here and now and let the next one take care of itself. And when you really stop and think about it, you'll realize that the mormon view of eternity is a mess. The only religious view I would even entertain is the Universalist view that we're all the family of God and we'll all be together as one family again. But mostly I'm just a humanist and only entertain hopes of what this world can become.

It has taken a lot of years to get to the point where for the first time in my life I can truly say that I'm happy, that I feel so lucky to be where I am in life. But that doesn't mean I've figured it all out or that everything is rosy or that I still don't have things that cause me pain. Because I do. It means the scales are tipped far to the other side and I try to stay on that side as much as I can.

One mind exercise that I like to do is to sit and imagine where I'd be at this age (58) if my life had gone according to "the plan," what kind of life I thought, as a teenager, that I'd have if I was lucky enough to find the perfect mormon husband and dedicate our lives to doing everything we were supposed to do in the church. I would certainly have a lot more material posessions than I have now. I would have a home all paid for. I'd have at least 5 kids, hubby would have a high-up church calling, I'd have been a SAHM. I'd be living my sister-in-law's life. And if, like her, I'd never seen the other side, I might be happy enough. Ignorance truly can be bliss. But I HAVE seen the other side, so when I think of living that life I just want to say, "Oh please kill me now." I wouldn't take the home, the posessions, the faithful boring husband, none of it in trade for the happiness of living an authentic life. My own life. Having my own goals. Trying to make the world a little bit better place because I was in it.

Hang in there and good luck. You have a loving husband and your whole lives ahead of you. I envy you in a lot of ways. At least for now, put it behind you. Go on a trip. Wear shorts and a bikini. Show off that tattoo. Have a nice glass of wine with dinner. Share your dreams with each other. Get in a good place and let it be. Then weigh where you are with where you will be if you go back to the church for purely social reasons. There will be an answer...

I appreciate the courage it takes to write such story as yours. While you have life in you, enjoy it, develop a hobby, help others but most of all take care of yourself, as apparently no one else does. Stay in touch with this site. A lot of people care sincerely.

Wow - thank you for sharing.

"Seeders" that's great. I may borrow that one! As awful as your story is, you tell it so well. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that could benefit from your words.

And with all you've gone through, I'm so happy for you and for your husband that you two found each other. :)

I'm so sorry for the nightmares and anguish your seeders put you through and for the gross negligence that so many "in authority" have been guilty of, that your cries for help were mostly ignored or downplayed. I can relate to SO much of what you've written and I have to say I really, really admire every effort you made to get help, to "out" your family secrets the way you did. You sound like a force to be reckoned with. It sounds like your siblings were on board with recognizing the abuse as well, it's good you aren't alone with that.

I came from a fam of 9 kids and all told, 5 of us got out and away from the parents and the religion that was so entertwined with abuse that I honestly can't fathom if they could have abused so effectively w/o it. For those that are capable of abuse, a religion like mormonism is the absolute perfect companion and tool.

Keep sharing or at least keep writing all of this down for your own healing. That's always been my salvation.

Letsmosey, yours is a powerful story. You lost the parent lottery, but I think you might have done alright in marriage! Your husband is on the right track.

You say its scary that the LDS church might not be true. I can see that. But can't you also try to imagine for a minute how liberating it might be to acknowledge, or at least entertain the idea that, "It's not true." How much more sense would things make if you could just calmly entertain that idea? What would happen if you woke up and knew it wasn't true? There are many here who have faced these questions and survived, alive and thriving.

Thanks for posting. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Welcome, Letsmosey!
You are in a good place here. Keep reading and posting.
Many points in your story sound familiar to me, we have similar experiences.
You are NOT ALONE!

Wow you've been through so much. The church is abusive on so many levels. It sounds like that is all you know. IT'S NOT YOU! It's the church!!! (and your very sick parents!)

I'm so glad you have your husband to sort all of this out with and that you are both on the same page. It will make your life so much easier after all you have been through!!

Hang in there. Life gets So much better after mormonism!!

You don't think so just now but you WILL be okay leaving the church. If it helps tell yourself you are taking a break and then see how it goes.
It will take time, it will be painful and confusing and hard at times. But you will come out a different person - in a good way
A lot of us have been through these feelings.
You will find a lot of caring helpful people here. Keep posting.

I don't need to read all of that. I can tell you exacly what to do.


RESIGN!!!


You will be much happier.

Wow. You have been through so much. I'm sorry. I can tell you with time it will get easier and better. My husband and I left the church almost a year ago and I can't even being to explain how much happier we are. We are closer and all around are happier with our decisions. We don't feel the need to prove ourselves to someone or be held to ideals that are crazy. It was hard to leave but so worth it. It just takes time. Good luck to you and you husband.

As others have said it is awful that the so-called church protected your parents while you were being abused and called to question your faith when you really needed help.

My suggestion is to seek out someone who is not Mormon and get some advice about a REAL church in your area that follows true Christian principles, or even one that is not Christian (I'm not here to tell you what you should believe). Visit a couple churches and find out that non-Mormon people of faith can be just as spiritual and supportive as the Mormons promise to be but never fulfilled in your case.

If you do believe in Christ know that He does not demand that you follow some arbitrary made-up rules of men, but only asks that you accept Him and strive to live according to the Golden Rule: Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself. Note that includes loving yourself ... do not be ashamed for the actions of your siblings or the guilt that has been lain on you by your parents and misguided Mormon leaders.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2014 07:48PM by jerry64.

I am working on a project with a legal team, any cooperation is appreciated. Time to expose the scum bags. Your parents names as well would be benificial for my report.

Mosey - a lot of the things you described (I think you had it worse in most ways) about the punishing was very much what happened to me and to my siblings. There are nine children in the family and I am the oldest. I felt at the time that the parental units took malicious delight in hurting and humiliating us.

I left the church and the family in 1988 and my life went from turmoil and chaos to calmness. Oh yea, I am also childless.

You have a great husband (at least from what you are saying). It sounds like the two of you can support each other. The problems that you have had because of TSCC and your family will get better.

You need to do a complete break. -- and hugs-- it was a horrible life... you have time to have a wonderful life ahead.

You are a strong woman. You survived a horrible childhood and managed to form a strong relationship with your husband, that is an amazing achievement.

You asked for suggestions on how to get out. I understand that you're scared to give up the faith of your youth. It's all you know. If you don't have that, what will you have? I had those questions as well. The freedom to chart your own course is a little bit scary.

You don't have to decide what you're going to do with the rest of your life right now.

Take it one day at a time.

Make special plans for Sunday that don't include church.

Learn to say no, or I can't, or even I don't want to, when the church calls with assignments. Some people like to resign, others choose to just fade into inactivity. Do what ever works for you.

You are strong. Take back your power. Don't be afraid. You have done much harder things. You can leave the cult behind and live a free life.

Good luck to you.