Posted by:
verilyverily
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Date: January 31, 2014 12:45AM
This is the story I wrote to make myself feel better after all of the crap I have dealt with caused by TBMs and TSCC lately. Enjoy! Don't skip ahead but nickname gets the credit for the last paragraph. Thanks nickname....
Joe Smith
Once upon a time, there was a young lad named Joseph but everyone called him Joe. Joe loved telling stories. He told all kinds of stories about people in faraway lands and exotic places. His mom loved to listen to his stories because he was so creative and could make up really good stories that were fun to hear. Joe told some quite fantastic stories like the one which follows, one of his mom’s favorites.
One day when Joe was in a grove of trees in a forest near his home, he saw some unusually bright sun beams between the trees. He noticed some figures inside of the sun beams. Not knowing exactly what he was seeing, because the light was so bright, he thought it might be God; no probably God and Jesus; no probably God, Jesus and angels including Gabriel, Nephi, and/or Moroni…..well one of these versions he was fairly sure of eventually, but at that time he hadn’t yet met Nephi and/or Moroni so that was a doubtful and he wasn’t even sure if Nephi and/or Moroni were the same angel. Having not met either of them yet certainly didn’t help him decide who he was looking at, but it didn’t really matter….he could figure it out after he died when God ironed out matters like this. The figures that Joe finally decided to be God and Jesus talked to him and told him things that were very important about what Joe needed to do.
Joe also had a super duper magic rock, a rock that told Joe where he could find gold and other treasures that were buried underground. Joe was so happy to have his magic rock that he told some of the townspeople about it and they came to see how it worked. Joe asked the rock to show him where the buried treasures were located. Sometimes the rock asked Joe to trade something for telling him where to find the treasures. The rock liked animal blood and Joe thought that was odd, but in order to make the magic work, Joe got the blood of a lamb or a goat and dumped the blood onto the ground near the magic rock. Joe would then say magic words to the rock, “Abracadabra, Presto, and Manifesto.” He really wanted the rock to find the buried treasures very much.
Based on the directions provided by the rock, Joe and the townspeople began digging for the treasure. Joe often forgot the magic words or said them backwards or he didn’t bring the animal blood the make the magic work. When that happened, the rock pulled tricks on Joe. Just as the shovels were getting close to the treasure, the treasure itself would suddenly move away and hide someplace else. Joe and the townspeople were unhappy when that happened, especially the townspeople because they gave coins to Joe to see the magic trick and to see the treasures. Joe is the only one who benefitted from that because he kept the coins.
One night, Joe was asleep in his bed which he shared with his brothers when he was awakened by a bright light. Joe was really worried that the light would awaken his brothers. Then he saw a figure inside of the light that reminded him of when he saw the figures bathed in light in the forest grove. He was excited because he thought he was going to see God and Jesus again, but it was not God or Jesus. It was the figure of a man. The figure saw that Joe was worried about waking his brothers so the figure went away.
Not long after that when Joe was outside one day, he saw another sun beam of light with what appeared to be a person inside of it. It was the man figure who came to his bedroom a few nights before. The figure told Joe that his name was Nephi, but that people called him Moroni and some people even called him Gabriel and that he was an angel. Joe thought to himself that the angel looked vaguely familiar so Joe asked the angel “Haven’t we met somewhere before?” The angel named Nephi, Gabriel or Moroni just smiled and said “I don’t think so Joe, but you can call me Moroni.” Then the angel told Joe that many many years ago he had lived very near where Joe and he were standing at that very moment. Joe was surprised because he never met anyone who lived such a long time ago before except for God and Jesus. He was fairly sure of that now. Moroni told Joe that he had been a member of a tribe of great light skinned warriors about 600 years before Jesus was born called the Nephites. The tribe was named after Nephi. Joe wondered if the Nephi-Moroni angel was the same Nephi who the Nephite tribe was named after because the angel had light skin but the angel didn’t comment about that so Joe decided not to ask about it.
Moroni said that he had fought in many battles against another tribe called the Lamanites. That tribe had a darker skin and was named after Nephi’s brother Laman. Moroni said that there was yet another brother named Lemuel. Joe thought that Lemuel was probably mad because he didn’t get a tribe named after him and he was thinking of asking the angel about this, but Joe was too busy wondering how Nephi could be light skinned and Laman could be dark skinned if they were brothers. Joe also wondered if Lemuel’s skin was in between light and dark, somewhat the color of the forbidden drink, coffee with cream in it. Just when Joe was going to ask the angel about these things, he was told by the angel that the tribes came from a land far far away called Israel. Joe had heard of Israel from reading the Bible. Joe figured that brothers can be different colors in Israel even though he had never thought about that before. Joe was glad that he and his brothers didn’t have big battles like Nephi and Laman did. Moroni didn’t say anything more about Lemuel, but he did speak of some other brothers; Jared and his brother. The Jaredite tribe was named after Jared. Joe felt sorry for Lemuel because he didn’t have a tribe named after him, but he felt extremely sorry for Jared’s brother because he didn’t even have a name let alone a tribe named after him.
Moroni explained that the tribes crossed the ocean on a big ship a very long time ago. Moroni told Joe that there were many many battles that were fought in the area where Joe lived. He told Joe that in the last big battle that had been fought there, Moroni had been the last man alive from the Nephite tribe.
Then Moroni told Joe a very big secret. He told Joe that there was a box of buried gold tablets in the ground on a hill not far from where they were standing. Joe thought to himself “At last I will find my buried treasure.” Moroni then told Joe a rather complicated tale of some other tablets that were written on by a man named Mormon before the creation of the tablets in the box near where Joe and the angel were. Moroni said that the words Mormon wrote were the words of many ancient prophets and that he had transferred what Mormon had written onto the golden tablets himself and included some of his own words when he was in America thousands of years ago. After the golden tablets were completely written and were ready to be buried, Moroni buried them in the hill so nobody would find them until Joe was told where to find them and until the magic spell on the box and tablets was finally broken.
Moroni said that God’s word was known as “the fullness of the Gospel” and that it was written on the golden tablets. He told Joe that it would be his job to translate those words from reformed Egyptian into English and put the words into a book. Joe was so excited that he simply forgot to ask why the angel didn’t just write the tablets in English in the first place since the angel was speaking English very well, or even Hebrew like the original Bible. It seemed very odd to Joe that tribes from Israel would write tablets in a strange language called reformed Egyptian, but who was he to question God? Or ancient prophets for that matter? Besides, Joe figured that just because he hadn’t heard of it didn’t mean that nobody had heard of it so he decided to just keep his mouth shut about it. Joe was anxious to get started and he wanted to go find the tablets right away. He felt real important to be the one who was going to be able to see, hold, and translate these gold tablets after so many years. He knew he’d be rich and famous as soon as he was finished. Oh he was so pleased to be chosen!
Moroni showed Joe where the box of gold tablets was hidden. But he also told Joe about the magic spell that was on the tablets. Joe hurried over to where he could see the box with the tablets in it. But Moroni wouldn’t let Joe open the box or even see the golden tablets yet because of the magic spell. Moroni told Joe that the spell would not work unless Joe came back at the exact time on the exact date for three years in a row. It was real important for Joe to follow the rules of the spell or the tablets could never be taken out of the box. Joe thought about this and about the many times that treasures had disappeared in his own treasure seeking due to magic spells so he understood that he must follow the spell’s rules to the letter. Joe was about to reassure the angel that he would indeed follow the instructions of the spell, but when he turned around, the angel had disappeared into thin air.
Joe sure didn’t want to wait because he was so excited to see the gold tablets, but he followed the rules given to him by Moroni and he came back the next year on the same day and at the same time. But the box of tablets would not move at all for him. He did the same thing the next year and still the golden tablets would not budge. In fact, a man-sized white salamander who was guarding the tablets actually smacked Joe in the face a few times for even trying to get the box and tablets. Joe felt depressed on his way home. The salamander wasn’t there last year; where did it come from? Perhaps there was another angel involved in this entire venture, an angel that Moroni didn’t even know about. Inside of his head, he heard a “prompting” that said that if another angel was involved, it was probably an angel named Hoffman. Joe had never heard of any Hoffman angel but then Joe had never heard of any angels until the past few years.
Finally on the exact day and time in the third year, Joe went back to the hiding place on the hill and this time the magic spell that was on the tablets was magically broken and there was no white salamander within miles so Joe was able to get the box out of the ground and when he peered inside, he couldn’t believe how beautiful the golden tablets were. Joe just loved gold. His eyes brightened considerably.
The tablets had writing on them just like the angel Moroni had said they would. He looked at several of the golden tablets while he was there and they all had writing on them that Joe couldn’t read. It was that strange reformed Egyptian and it looked even more peculiar than Joe was expecting it to look. Then he noticed that inside of the box there was a breast plate and spectacles in addition to the golden tablets. He was real curious about why those were there with the tablets. He decided that he would take the entire box home to see everything better.
On the way home, he thought that the breast plate and spectacles must be magic. He figured that maybe they would help him to be able to read the reformed Egyptian on the tablets. He knew that he couldn’t just ask Moroni to read the tablets for him because Moroni had disappeared and besides, Moroni had told Joe that it was his job to translate the tablets. He didn’t know how to find the angel anyway. He became a bit nervous about anyone seeing the box and especially the tablets so he decided that he would be the only one to see the precious golden tablets. How beautiful they looked and felt would remain Joe’s secret. He started running because he was worried that someone may come upon him and steal his “Precious.” He had his precious treasure and didn’t want to share it with anyone. He would translate these tablets, but he wouldn’t let anyone see them not ever. He would hide them near his home.
When Joe got near his home, he found a good hiding place where his family was not likely to go and spent some time looking at the breast plate, the magic spectacles, and the beautiful tablets. He put the breast plate and spectacles on and looked at the tablets again. He wasn’t able to tell what the tablets said. He was growing real concerned because he didn’t have any idea how to read reformed Egyptian and he was very worried that he wouldn’t be able to translate the beautiful tablets into English. He went to get his magic rock to see if that would help since it was magic after all. He held the rock in front of the tablets and tried to look through the rock, but he couldn’t see the writing at all. It was getting dark so Joe went home and decided he’d come back the next day and try again.
Early the next morning, Joe took his magic rock and went to where he put the tablets the night before. This time he held the rock in front of the tablets again but was still unable to read anything at all. He was devastated. Suddenly from the sky, he heard the angel Moroni’s voice telling him to place the rock inside of his hat and to just leave the golden tablets where they were. Joe put the magic rock into his hat and there on the back of his hat were English words that he could read! He was overjoyed until he started reading what was written there…….. these are the words Joe read:
“My boy Joe, did you really think that God and Jesus and unnamed angels would come to you to talk to you? Did you really think that God and Jesus would appear in beams of sunlight just for your benefit? You think you are that important? Everyone is sick of your deceiving them by pretending to be able to see things in your stupid hat with your stupid magic rock. PA-LEEZE! How stupid do you think people are? Do you think an angel such as myself wouldn’t even know his own name, whether it is Nephi, Gabriel or Moroni? Do you really think an angel would be named Moroni? I mean think about it, Moron-I? Don’t you think I would have told you where to find some of the tools of war if all of those battles I mentioned really took place here on your family’s land? Did you really think that brothers could be different colors when they had the same parents? Those situations are way in the future and trust me Joe, you don’t know anything about the future! Do you really think that people who lived before Christ was born could build a ship that would come to America and specifically to where you live now? Why would they want to? Do you think that I could be the last man standing after a horrible battle and still have the strength to write on golden tablets in a non-existent language? Really Joe? Are you that gullible? There is no such thing as reformed Egyptian. Really? The truth is Moron-You, Not Moron-I.”
Joe was so angry after reading this that he was visibly shaking. He had always hated to be the butt of practical jokes and this was the worst one he had ever heard of. He was the one who always preyed on others with his practical jokes. Why he even tricked them enough to get money out of them! This was just horrible that someone could fool Joe like this. He was furious! But the angel’s voice was not finished yet.
“Oh Joe! Move the hat from in front of your stupid face and look down and see your precious golden tablets!” Joe opened his eyes and the tablets, box, breast plate, and magic spectacles were gone. It was just Joe, his rock and his hat sitting there all alone. Then the voice boomed again……
“I am an archangel from the evil realm, the same place where you are from, even though you don’t remember. Some of us in Hell decided it was time to make you see how your behavior impacts other people. And we just thought it would be fun to see you squirm! I made you dream the tablets and everything associated with the tablets. Do you really think you could carry heavy golden tablets by yourself with your bum leg through the woods in a big hurry? Joe, you are very delusional. There is no language called reformed Egyptian but while I am on the subject of Egypt, de-Nile is not just a river in Egypt. You stupid fool. Well this time the joke is on you. Ha ha ha!”
The sound of very evil laughter followed this tirade until it was finally drowned out by the sound of Joe’s heart pounding through his chest.
Joe was practically insane with anger by this point. He started thinking about everything that the archangel had said. He had been duped, seriously duped. How could he have believed this crap? Ancient people building ships to come to where Joe lives, crazy non-existent languages, golden tablets, magic spectacles, etc.? Oh he was mad!! What made him the most angry was that there were no gold tablets. He was counting on getting rich from those tablets. Oh how horrible it all was!
Joe decided right then and there that he would get the last laugh so help him Moron-I. So he made up his story which he called the Book of Mormon. He went even further with unbelievable events and things.
He started with some of the story the archangel had told him because he figured he fell so hard for it others would too. Basically this is what he came up with……
Hebrews with no Semitic DNA sailed to America, but brought none of the culture or technology of the old world with them, ate non-existent wheat and rode non-existent horses, which they bought with non-existent coins, fought wars using non-existent metal swords, wrote one (and only one) book in a non-existent language, which was later dug up by a 19th century con man, (Joe himself thank you!) who used magic rocks to help people dig for non-existent treasure for a living, who used those same magic rocks to translate the book into 14th century English, who then proceeded to illegally "marry" a whole bunch of gullible women, "translated" a book of authentic Egyptian hieroglyphics into something not even remotely approaching a correct translation, got arrested for destroying private property and denying freedom of the press all in order to protect his own dirty secrets, and then died in a jailhouse gunfight, but was still the Lord's "chosen messenger," damn it!
I also fixed the first vision problem that was there before and added a few more things I thought of. This was fun!
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2014 03:09AM by verilyverily.