Hi everyone.

I'm new to posting to this website, though I've been scanning the stories for a couple of months now.

By way of background (but not too much as I want to share my actual story at another time), I'm a 7th generation mormon who realized, to my utter astonishment, that the church was not true last year. I've been gobbling up church history every since.

For me there was no grieving for the church. I don't have any need for religion to be happy, I just want the truth. I'm prefectly fine with the idea of oblivion after death, if it's true. I was devoted to the church my whole life because I knew it was true, not because I needed it. So when the church fell apart on me, I rejoiced in my newfound truth.

My wife is a different story. Since my doubts started she's been scrambling to find any explanation for the possible truth of the church. Faith has always been paramount to her, and is one of the most beautiful things about her. I didn't want to crush it, so I tried hard to keep my findings to myself, though I still let her know I was doubting because I want to be honest and open in our relationship.

Yesterday on our way home from church we were discussing what we learned in EQ/RS and I said that we learned about free agency and how it got me thinking about the paradox of why Satan would oppose free agency, then work so hard to create the very opposition that made free agency possible. Thus, could God be good without Satan, and was Satan necessarily evil for giving the contrast that made God's plan so good. What, then, was the definition of good, and does God's plan qualify as good under that definition? etc...

She was already on the breaking point of losing her faith, so I guess this put her over the edge. When I woke up from my afternoon nap she was no longer wearing her garments and all the LDS wall hangings had been taken down. She basically cried and was depressed for the rest of the day.

Her viewpoint, now, is that nothing matters. If we're just going to cease to exist after 80 or so years, what's the point? She said she wanted to call her sister (who is 29, TBM and single, with no prospects and no job, and thus a depressed mormon) and say how much she envied her.

Today is Valentine's Day so obviously I want to cheer her up. Any ideas?

> She basically cried and was depressed for the rest of the day.
> Her viewpoint, now, is that nothing matters. If we're just going
> to cease to exist after 80 or so years, what's the point?


Lol. Sorry for laughing, but it brings back memories. Don't worry, she'll get over her grieving. It's like losing a loved one. Except there's no funeral potatoes.

Congrats on getting out together.

Just go have fun exploring all the taboos mormons have. Have a drink, watch R-rated shows, read erotica, wear scandalous clothing in public. A little fun is the best remedy.

Boy do you have a lot to celebrate. I am very happy for you. Do anything SHE wants. Ask her if this yr. a celebration could be a little different and in what way because of giving up Mormonism. I think it is amazing how she gave up her garments so fast. Yeah!!! Enjoy your new life.

It's normal to grieve, it's like losing a loved one, her paradigm has shifted and now she have to replace it with something else. Freedom can be scary. But once it sinks in, she'll be very happy. Congrats.

That is what you call 'a result'.

I am at the start of a similar journey.
I believe Mormonism to be man made.
My TBM wife knows I have 'problems' with the Church but has stated on a number of occasions that she 'will never stop going to Church because she believes it is true'.

However, I have noticed recently that she has stopped paying tithing (we pay seperately and I stopped a year ago without saying anything).
Also she 'missed' our last designated cleaning week (I point blank refused to clean the Church when the edict came out but allowed my wife to make her own decision on it).

Baby steps, but still...

If you live in a climate that will allow it, get her out into nature ASAP. A little walk in beauty will do wonders for her. Even though she will probably resist, turn it into a celebration. What ever she loves to do, do it to the 10th degree today, in celebration of the REAL veil being lifted for her. Some sort of physical activity always helps the wife and I when we get the blues...

Congrats on your exit from the cult!

Life without a gawd has re3ally be great for my outlook on life.

We all know how depressing a mormon life can be. Departing that life one thinks, for a very sort time, (ironically) that our single source of our "happiness" has been removed. The discovery that that was just another lie the church fousted upon our psyches is the great liberator in post-mormon life.

Giving up a "faith" in god and an "eternity" of bliss, etc. has opened my eyes to how special and wonderful this short moment of an existence I'm experiencing right now really is.

I'm trying to maximize that existence each and every day. That is a MUCH better existence than anything I experienced in the clutches of the cult of Mormonism.

Give your wife time ... she'll com e to the same conclusion. She's just experiencing withdrawl symptoms to the "dope" she's been taking for so long.

kimball Wrote:
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> Today is Valentine's Day so obviously I want to
> cheer her up. Any ideas?


As for Valentine day. Try something like naughty twister or naughty dice.

http://www.takeherb.com/product.asp?PID=36671&gdftrk=gdfV21061_a_7c270_a_7c710_a_7c36671

>When I woke up from my afternoon nap she was no longer wearing her garments and all the LDS wall hangings had been taken down.>

Maybe a shopping spree to Victoria Secret

or let her pick out a nice painting to replace Mormon decor

From what you shared sounds like your wife will be okay. It's a process for sure but once our blinders are off life/living becomes more alive, real, authentic.

Get out in nature together and see the aliveness of everything and you'll enjoy it without Mormon restrictions.

the idea that I get to CHOOSE my own beliefs now. I always felt that way to an extent, but I believe everyone's "truth" is different.

We don't know what happens after death. I have my own ideas, which I pretty much keep to myself. I consider myself agnostic. I can say this though I have A LOT less fear of what is to come now than I did before. I lost both parents 2 years ago and an aunt who was one of my best friends one year ago--and I have complete peace over their deaths--other than missing them.

It is UP TO HER to figure out what she believes. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

You are fortunate that DW has seen the light! While YOU may not "need religion to be happy," DW may have no idea what can replace her former beliefs, the strong community that TSCC provides for many people, and the respect and love of family members and friends who may judge her if/when her change of heart and of beliefs is known.

You are very much ahead of DW in the recovery process. If you can remain patient, loving, and supportive as she mourns and recovers, kimball, your marriage eventually will be stronger than ever!

@jon

Yeah, I'd been looking forward to this day for a while. Now that it has come and gone I almost wish it hadn't - ALMOST. I guess I'm just a sucker for seeing her sad.


Something like naughty twister or an R-rated movie would be a lot of fun, but right now she's nursing our 2-month-old son and has not been in the romantic mood lately. (We also have a 2-year-old daughter). I think guilt over having children now that she has no framework to raise them in is playing a role too.

I agree with cl2 in that I think I need to help her realize that just because the mormon church is false doesn't mean there is no afterlife and no God. A nice nature walk, or maybe sharing our first alcoholic drink together might be nice too.

Breakfast in bed on a Sunday morning whilst you look after the kids. The long lie in will feel like heaven in comparison to running round trying to get organised for three hours of Church meetings.

Yes, your wife may need that Sun. experience in a church setting. Just not a Mormon Church. Let her decide. And even if attendance is sporatic, it just may be what she needs to make the transition. She may even like a mainstream church where there are no screaming kids and actual sermons by a minister. So whatever way you go, let her be the one to determine. You can suck it up if it is not really to your liking. Then after a couple yrs. make a plan for your Sundays that you both can live with. So glad your kids will not follow the baptism in Mormonism route in life.

I thought I'd throw some more icing on the cake. Today is Valentine's Day, and Thursday is our 4th anniversary. We already have some fun minor plans for both, but any ideas I don't use today can be saved for Thursday.

We live in Texas and there's a good nature walk near our neighborhood. It's not very green right now, but the rain last night has brought the temperature up so I might check out of work early to catch it while the sun is shining.

Heck, I might check out now on vacation time to start right away. I just got an e-mail from her and she's pretty bummed about dealing with two "products of evolution" this morning.

kimball Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
I think guilt over having children now
> that she has no framework to raise them in is
> playing a role too.


This statement kind of hit me.

Now is not the time, (while she's still reeling with losing her whole groundwork) but when the time is right, be sure to point out that she will now have the chance to raise perfectly lovely, non-judgemental children, who are doing the 'right' things because they want to, not because they are scared for their eternal souls.

They will be skipping the years of feeling guilty and inadequate no matter how hard they try that most of us are still pulling out of.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2011 01:52PM by foggy.

Get her a dozen red roses and a really sweet card.

Be tender with her. Take baby steps.

Your wife has just experienced a great loss.

Good luck,
Shannon ;o)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2011 10:25AM by shannon.

jon1 said to experience nature ASAP. Yes, this is a must because something is broken now.

A singer that I listen to calls it the "trinity of the chain; guilt, sin and blame."

The chains are removed and you and your wife must begin to experience life, not the illusions that have kept you trapped.

I went through some of what you describe. Something that is helping me is realizing that life is what matters. Not just mine, and not a life beyond death, but future life on earth.

You have children. Think about their grandchildren and further into the future. The cult of Mormonism has us trace our ancestors of the past to "save" them. That is backwards from reality.

If your wife is depressed about nothingness at death, it might help to become active in causes that will help the future.

Do you know what, that's brilliant!

I had never thought about that type of redeeming the future as opposed to the dead.

I think that is a quality suggestion.

Love matters. Love has always mattered. it's a good day to show her this.

And the point is in being. That's it. Just be. A Yellow Lab taught me that. My son and two daughters taught me what matters.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2011 10:30AM by wine country girl.

that I don't believe in any organized religion.

My mother--who was our "tormenter" as far as guilt and getting us to go to church while our dad wasn't very active--told me about 9 months before she died--when my dad was asking me again why I didn't go back to church--she said, "You can be spiritual and not attend any church."

I agree to get her out of doors in the sunshine. Pamper her today. I don't know that I'd throw her anything at her that was too far out in the sex dept.

I like what WCG said.

What I read somewhere--I don't know God. Never met him if he exists. I know my children. I know my parents. They give me connection, belonging. It is all I need. And I sure do love my dogs--if there is an afterlife, my dogs must be part of it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2011 10:42AM by cl2.

She's going to need some affirmation right now.

Without all the rules and restrictions, there are so many more possibilities for happiness and fulfillment outside of religion.

TG

And there is no need to be so morbid about the existence or not of an afterlife. Come on. Did you really think you were getting your own planet?

An afterlife may or may not exist. I'm guessing no. This life most certainly exists, and Mormonism makes a mess of it. Make the most of this life. If there is an afterlife, that is the best way to prepare for it. And if there is not an afterlife, all the more reason to make the most of this life.

The concept of living in an infinitely long PEC meeting appealed to you? You are well rid of the delusion. A toast: To life!

Yeah, I'm checking out of work to go help her out and take a walk. I'll let you all know how it goes...

Once she's done grieving, you're in a very lucky place. Those of us who have our spouses out are definitely in the minority.

Congratulations!!

Saved from my younger days:

"Oh, God, put away justice and truth for we cannot understand them and do not want them. Eternity would bore us dreadfully. Leave Thy heavens and come down to our earth....Look after Billy, amuse grandfather, escort Madam to the operta, help willy with his homework, introduce Murial to a handsome naval officer. Be interesting and weak like us, and we will love you as we love ourselves."

W.H. Auden

Get her out of the local universe and enjoy yourselves together as husband and wife and not as church husband, church wife.

By getting away from it all right now "sets the hook" as it were.

BTW. You lucky, lucky man!

out of the mindset that heaven is more important than earth.

That is drilled into us because is makes us easier to manipulate.

Every time we ask ourselves questions about the afterlife, we take energy away from living for this life.

We have to learn to not ask those questions and ask ourselves instead what we are doing to live the best life we can today for this life. Asking about life is so much more satisfying than asking ourselves questions about death.

It takes time and discipline to turn away from the conditioning to care so much about death, something that no one knows a thing about.

She'll figure that out.

There are some really great suggestions, it is so great that you are going home to help her out with the kids and stuff. It sounds like you have a very strong relationship, that is really great.

Try to help her focus on the good things in life that have not changed, and the things that have changed for the better without the so-called church.

If she has no friends outside of church, see if you can help her find a mommy group to join. Mommies of small children need time with other mommies, and the kids need the socialization. Having a support system is huge, and the support you get from real friends outside of church is so amazing.

Things to celebrate:
-no more paying 10% of your income, you just got a 10% raise!
-pretty underwear
-true freedom to make whatever choices you want to make with your life
-no more "callings." If you want to go to church, you can. But you don't have to. There are no more rules! You can volunteer if you want to, where you want.
-you will now have time to spend as a family you used to spend doing church stuff.
-coffee is great!! So is wine, and having the freedom to choose what you want to drink without guilt!

If she feels in the need of support, send her here. There are some great people who will be able to relate with her, make her laugh, and answer questions. Congratulations!!

I am very happy for you,but understand your concern. Just love her and help her all you can. Be joyful!


And I really envy you. My dh and 4 kids are still very "stuck" in the morg. It makes me very sad.

Do we stop halfway down the slope and toss our skis because the run will over at the bottom?
Do we stop laughing and turn off 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' because we realize it's going to end?
Do we stop in the middle of love-making because we know that it's going to end at some point?
Do we dump our ice cream in the garbage because we know that the bowl will be empty?

With all the church activity 24/7/365, maybe she hasn't realized that there is enjoyment in the doing.

Amen to that!

All that time and energy the two of you gave the cult can now be turned toward yourselves.

Tell me, Kimball, have you ever really loved this woman?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq2KgzKETBw

Give it a shot.

Timothy

I'm an atheist now.

No faith?

Hardly.

I'm in awe of the vastness of existence, in the way Carl Sagan was, and Richard Dawkins is. It's awesome. And, it's full of potential that, ironically, religion suppresses.

Religion is certainty at the cost of discovery

http://www.google.com/#hl=en&sugexp=ldymls&xhr=t&q=pale+blue+dot&cp=13&pf=p&sclient=psy&site=&source=hp&aq=0&aqi=&aql=&oq=pale+blue+dot&pbx=1&fp=92188ee12107320c

Yes, it's sad that there probably is no afterlife. Still, we're, each of us, a little piece of the vast universal puzzle.

...that's all the more reason to live this life to the fullest.

TG

How about you, your children (if you have them)? More importantly, SHE matters. Just the way she is.

The problem with religions like Mormonism is that they devalue this life by making you focus on the next one. But this life -- the only one we know for certain we have -- is filled with potential rewards. It's full of meaning and purpose in and of itself. Help her see that.

Massage!

Candles.

Soothing talk.

Cannot miss, just be her valentine, and congatulations!

I particularly like the response that suggested the two of you test the taboos for Valentine's Day.

A tub full of bubbles, a glass of champagne or brandy and top grade chocolate. The drill goes: use a knife to create a sliver / curl of chocolate, pop it in her mouth and ask her to let it melt, take a sip of the beverage and swirl it all around, swallow, exhale through the nose. Wonderful.

If you are beside the tub serving her and then assist her in her bath, gently drying her when she comes out, I believe you will have a wife that, at least for a time, will not feel the depression.

All things were made for the use of man, to be used in moderation.