I resigned from the church about a month and a half ago. Since I have left the church it has been utter hell. But the stupidity of actions from even close family members isn't what makes me angry. I am sick of my in laws bashing both my husband and I for leaving the church. I am sick of people trying to shove LDS crap down our throats. What makes me more angry is the church in general. Why was I ever a part of it? Was I that stupid?
I hate it so much. But, what I hate even more is all this new found anger that is inside me. I am so angry that I had a stupid temple wedding, just this past May. I'm so angry that none of my family was there, and that it was the stupidest day of my life. I am so conflicted by emotions. Sure, I married my soul mate (who also left the church with me), but I freaking cried on my wedding night.
I have never been so angry in my life. I think I need counseling or something. I am half scared though that if I seek counseling for this "I hate the LDS church" anger, since I'm in Utah and only can get help through the VA, what are the odds that the provider would be a TBM? Argh.
I'm freaking pissed. I can go on and on, but please, someone, just tell me how you have coped if you can relate. I am in a downward spiral of depression & anger, and I really just need advice. Thanks!
I really relate to what you are saying. My family wasn't at my temple marriage either. I went through a period of a lot of anger too. It's a normal stage in the grieving process and it does pass. DH and I left together as well & we have had a lot of in-law issues as well. We found an atheist therapist who helped us tremendously. I highly recommend seeing a therapist together. Almost every session we ended up working through the shunning and rejection we have been dealing with. We still go but not as frequently. We learned a lot and have changed for the better. Keep posting here as well. Part of the recovery is having support from others who can relate. Two years later we are finally doing much better. Just be patient with yourself and take it one day at a time.
Hello and welcome to RfM! You're in the right place; this forum has been an exciting source of information, and a place to process the "church experience" by sharing it with others. I think for most people it takes quite some time to clear out of it, with lots of confusing emotions, especially when people have been mormons for a long time, perhaps all of their life. Utah and Idaho are likely to be the more challenging places to leave the church because the surrounding society which in many places in those states is largely members. I'm not sure if it is an option for you, but if it is, spending some time away elsewhere (away from "Morridor") with your husband might be healthy.
Keep moving forward, it will get better! "This too shall pass", as they say.
Mormonism teaches that anger is bad and should be avoided at all costs.
But anger is a natural emotion. You need to learn how to accept it and how to deal with it. Mormonism would teach you to run away or ingest your anger.
Feel it. Accept it. It's ok. It's normal.
Also, there's nothing wrong with seeing someone about leaving the church. It can be difficult to find a good therapist in Utah, but it can be done.
Once you do that it's easier to direct your anger into healthier paths.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 12:16AM by Raptor Jesus.
I regret my stupid wedding too but it has been 15 years. My husband suggested we renew our vows our way but I'm not really interested. However, had we left so soon after our wedding as you did, I might be.
The rumor is that the whole temple marriage will be discontinued in favor of a public wedding and a temple sealing. And not the same day. This practice is likely a policy that came from secret polygamist marriages. This policy has done so much damage to families that it must be stopped. Of course if you are someone of stature, then the whole waiting period between marriage and sealing can be waived. See Mitt Romney marriage as an example.
You have every right to be angry. You should be angry. The church messed with your mind, ruined your wedding day, disrupted your family relationships. What honest, decent person would NOT be angry going through what you've been through? And yes, some people have been through worse but that doesn't change what you are going through.
The good thing is like Raptor said, it's part of the grieving process. You are beginning to process what you've been through and starting to heal. If you think going to a counselor will help, try to find one who you are comfortable with - someone not LDS. If you are in Salt Lake, there is probably someone with the VA that isn't LDS. At least you could find out. And feel free to come here too. Most everyone has been through something similar and will understand, give you advice if you ask and let you vent all you want. That's why the board exists. Also, people here know a LOT about church history, doctrine, teachings and you can really solidify your confidence in yourself having made the right decision. Knowledge is power and the more power you feel, the faster you'll recover.
And I agree about the do-over wedding. But I'd find a romantic beach somewhere. Wherever you go, this time it's your dream wedding - not the Mormon church's. Do something crazy romantic you will treasure - even if it's just the two of you. You deserve it for being smart enough to figure out Mormonism and brave enough to take a stand. Good luck!
It sounds so trite but time will help. The shock of learning that everything you believed is a lie is life altering. Getting though that is a process. Time is all that will help the process. I have been out almost seven years. I have not resigned, my husband was bishop at the time I learned what was going on and I stayed semi active until his release. I haven't attended church for two years and I don't think resigning would be the thing to do at this point.
Let yourself be angry, you were duped, it was not your fault. The blame lies with those who intentionally lied, the upper leadership. They know what they are doing. They know they are not being honest. Give yourself some time, maybe a lot of time, it will get better, especially with your husband being with you.
I still hate the church and I will until my family is all out, but things are much better than in those first several months it took me to calm down from the shock and for the programming to wear off.
You are not to blame for any of this and you are not alone. The things you have learned about the church leaves a sizeable wound, give it time to heal.
If you had sleeves and a high neck and back on your wedding dress, take some scissors and cut it how you wish it would of been.
Go to your favorite place with hubby, hire a $50 minister and have a REAL wedding! Have some fun! Maybe invite some of your new RFM friends that you are now in the process of bonding with.
First, congratulations on your exit from the church (with your spouse-awesome). I'm not feeling very wise tonight, so I will try not to offer any advice.
The early days were very dark for me. Things got better as time passed and I was able to understand how I ended up in the position I was in. I learned a lot about myself, and about human psychology. I am much happier now than I ever was before checking out of mormonism, but it took weeks or months for my anger to fade.
I think it would be strange if someone who had been lied to, manipulated, and exploited as I was didn't feel angry. People are resilient, and bounce back from all kinds of bad stuff. You probably will too, but if you need help do ask for it.
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the kind responses! I think what makes me feel even more pathetic (which I should have added, but I don't always think completely logically when I'm venting), is that I was a convert to the church. And yet, I am this upset about it. I can't even fathom what it must be like for people who have been members for their whole lives (such as my husband).
His family has treated us really poorly. No, that's an understatement. They've treated me like crap. Like this is all my fault, because I was never good enough, being a convert and everything...that I am just stupid and don't know anything. His mother flat out told me that her son is no longer a good guy anymore, because he's not endowed, and then cried hysterically. I'm so so so sick of things like that. My husband told them to leave us alone, and they have... But that hasn't stopped all the people around my home from bothering me. We live in Utah County. Also, my husband is a Marine, and is overseas, so that does make everything a lot harder.
I think what may really get to me, is I really believed the missionaries. I had a really rough childhood and this seemed like a perfect answer to life. And of course, it wasn't.
You did the right thing even though it is hard. It sounds like your family isn't in the church so hopefully they are supportive. His family you will just have to deal with the best you can. Truth is more important than comfort, and soo it will lead to a much more fulfilled life.
Anger is normal. I have been out for over 40 years (formally for 4 years) but I have only been inside of an LDS church for funerals for over 40 years. I am still angry with TSCC. My anger has softened considerably or I would have burned out on it long ago. I am still angry because much of my family is still duped. I even have a cousin in Centennial City AZ in that polyg cult down there......serious GAG A MAGGOT!!!! I have been trying to get my sister out. I have sent her the links to the recent essays etc....NOTHING! You can ask ahead of time when you call a therapist for a non-Mo. Keep calling until you get one. You are dealing with betrayal and being lied to for years. The bright spot is that your husband is with you on this journey out. That is a real boost and a definite plus for both of you. At least you are not alone in your leaving. Welcome to this board. Visit us because we have been there and we can help. Take a deep breath and have a glass of wine and try to relax. You are among friends here.
I just can't stop myself from this little tidbit and I hope it makes you laugh. Your MIL said "because he's not endowed" - that is hysterical! Be sure to tell her that HE IS FOR SURE ENDOWED! See if she gets it. LOL LOL LOL
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 02:39AM by verilyverily.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. You have a right to be angry. It doesn't really matter whether you are a convert or BIC, being manipulated and then treated badly when you protest the manipulation is good reason for anger.
A wedding is something a girl dreams of her whole life and in your case that dream included a walk down the isle and all of pomp and circumstance that BIC girls only see in the movies. Your expectations for your wedding were dashed and replaced by a bazaar cult ceremony. That is another cause for anger.
The anger is a phase, it will pass.
If you have not attended one of the meet ups in Utah county, please do. It sounds like you could use a hug.
I am confident that you and your husband will get through this and come out the other side a stronger couple. Whether you have a do over on the wedding or not, you should celebrate the fact that you are no longer members of a cult and you can begin to build a happier, saner life together.
Best wishes to you and your husband, and thank you for supporting him while he serves our country. The service that you both give is appreciated.
I can definitely understand being extremely angry at the church, members, and pretty much religion in general. Being born into the church and discovering that I missed out on being a normal person for the first 20-odd years of my life AND wasted 2 years that I should have spent furthering my life drove me insane for the longest time.
What's even more infuriating is that once you leave, all TBM's automatically assume one of 2 things (or both): 1. You sinned 2. You just can't keep the commandments and are a lazy person. (Every TBM will deny that they do this, but they all do)
Sometimes I wonder why I was so stupid to belong to TSCC, and then I remind myself that since I could utter a word, I was having the BOM and god-like Joseph Smith beaten into my brain.
The top executives of lds.inc aren't stupid; they're quite clever and know how to perpetuate the mormon lie in a way that creates a never-ending family cycle of obedient morgbots...that is, until one of them eventually discovers mormonthink.com.
It sounds like you have a really tough situation; I'm sorry for what you're going through. Just remember, they're the crazy ones and you're the only one with your head on straight.
Welcome to the board! I am one of the resident nevermos here.
Anger is a normal and healthy emotion under the circumstances. You have every right to feel angry. I would definitely get counseling. Ask for a nonMo counselor, but consider that there are also effective Mormon counselors.
Start setting boundaries with your inlaws. I would tell them that your religious choices are no longer a topic for discussion. The minute they are rude to you tell them that you have to go, and then hang up the phone. If they want to have contact with you they will learn to speak to you in a civil manner over time. Let your husband deal with them as much as possible.
If neighbors want to talk to you about their callings, etc., I would let them. Again, draw the line at discussing your own religious choices.
Nothing wrong with that. Be patient and work through it and you'll feel better in time.
I suggest you don't talk about this to true believers. They won't understand. The goal is to agree to disagree and leave it at that. If they're not willing, avoid them for a time until your anger and theirs fades.
When I first left I was scared out of my mind. I got an online mentor for a time that helped me through. We've all been programmed - for lack of a better word- to be afraid. I promise you that if you hang in, your worst day out of the church will be so much better than your best day inside. My only explanation for the stupidity we have all felt is that very evil individuals preyed upon our desire to do good. I cried on my wedding night too. I cried because my family hadn't been there. I cried because I was told by the wrong man that God wanted the marriage, and as a new convert I believed him. And I cried because I thought I was the only Mormon in the world that hated the temple. Keep going in the right direction and in no time you'll be laughing at the craziness. You have a soul mate, build upon that. There is so much happiness out in the world, take little steps and you'll be great... not just ok.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 06:22AM by LincolnFan.
Yes, it is a negative that you live where there are a huge number of Mormons. The bright spot is you also live where there is the largest concentration of exmormons to get you through this!
You are experiencing the phases of grief kiddo. The best way to get thru it is just to get thru it! It's worth the journey!
I am a convert too. My MIL told me I never believed the teachings and I only converted to marry DH. I surely did believe it was 100% true, so when I started realizing the contradictions and found RfM my belief quickly shattered. (1% false, then 10% then 50% - kinda ruins the 100% true teaching)We both left TSCC and the in-laws decided they would rather see us than not, so it calmed down after a few months. I'm on the East Coast, so TBM's are not as rabid out here. DH was BIC. He took the realization that TSCC was full of it much harder than I did. Stay strong!
You've been duped, used and manipulated. What's not to be angry about? In time, the anger will fade, but you'll always have negative feelings about the cult because they deserve it.
I'm a huge believer in boundaries. I would be setting some new ones with the in-laws or anyone else who gives you grief. I would tell them in no uncertain terms that religion is not something you will discuss with them, period, and they are not to bring it up again. It's best if your husband can lay down the law with them. Remind them about the 11th Article of Faith. The minute they bring up anything regarding religion, hang up the phone or get up and leave. Rinse and repeat once or twice, but if they don't shape up, keep them out of your life.
I am not a therapist, but I will give it my best shot. It is okay to be angry. That is a natural stage with dealing with grief. Besides the church took a lot from you, so you have a lot to be upset about. Now let's talk about taking some of that back. Things like tithing money, and hours spent scrubbing celestial toilets can't be reclaimed, or at least not directly, but you are not paying any so that helps.
It also sounds like your wedding was a major blow. Maybe you can plan to renew your vows on an upcoming anniversary. You can then have your friends and family there, while you wear the dress you always wanted, without cult stuff thrown over it.
I was a convert too. What people who were born in the Church don't understand is that once a convert has become Mormon, they feel a part of the tribe just as much as if they were born into it. They can hardly remember what their life was like before they were Mormon.
Their life is divided in half - before Mormonism and after it. The longer one is in the Church, the stronger that connection gets. When we're baptized, we feel as though we've found home.
We also have the added burden of wondering why we were so gullible as to fall for it, where the born-in-the-Church people had no choice. We have to get past the feeling of being duped. It's an added element of healing for us to go through.
And, wow. If your in-laws are being that insensitive and rude, I'd just put them down as being toxic and leave them alone. It's not right to treat people like that. They don't even deserve your company.
Tell them that if they want to be a part of your lives, then they need to treat you like human beings. Let them know that their garbage will not be tolerated.
Part of leaving Mormonism is discovering how to be a grown-up again and to stand up for ourselves. I hate how the Church turns us into little children.
The idiotic response from your in-laws says more about them and has nothing to do with you. If they choose church over family, then be grateful you got out of a bonified cult.