A long time ago, Richard Packham had informed us that he had a Mormon apologist cousin by the name of E. Richard Packham. On occasion, a TBM would confuse the writings of the two, and Richard would comically receive an email congratulating his cousin of his defendingnessitude of the self-proclaimed church of Jesus Christ of Saints who-lived-in-the-times-of-the-aproximate-apocalypse-but-not-quite-yet-the-times-of-Jesus'-return-because-it-was-really-hard-to-pinpoint-when-Jesus-would-come-again-thanks-to-his-vagaries-and-ambiguity-in-the-scriptures-along-with-the-retconning-of-said-issue.

I also have a cousin who is a self-proclaimed-defender-of-the-faith. He just recently sent me a letter that I think might possibly be a little condescending if it were taken out of the context that the church is totally true, and we are all wrong as "ex"-Mormons.

I have copied and "hotkeyed-something-v"-d the letter below:





Dearest Cousin,

Recently I have had the most incredible of spiritual experiences. While the specifics are far too sacred to share with the likes of you, just know that I would be remiss if I didn’t obey the promptings that have etched burning fire into my perfectly sculpted bosom. It behooves me to share the undeniable fact that you have become a Satanic asswipe ripe for reproach.

Just like the oft-times Lamanites and some-times Nephites, you have waxed fat with pride. You sit atop a throne of blasphemy thinking that you are master of all you survey. However, I am here to inform you that you are the master of nothing except for tempting God’s wrath. Like an expert fisherman, you are adeptly baiting God to smite you further than you have already been smitten.

I can feel the smug haughtiness flow from you at family gatherings. It is obvious that just because you have written several books which received so-called rave reviews, have the adulation of many demon-encrusted fans, have strikingly handsome features, you can saunter the earth without the fear of a vengeful God. Clearly your most recent trials and tribulations have taught you nothing. If our dear, kind Heavenly Father can’t get your attention with chronic pain and near fatal illness, then it is up to me to help you before you incur even more just, temporal punishment.

I had the incalculable displeasure of slogging through your books. You feel that just because you slather on the profanity like unto a whore’s make-up, blaspheme Elohim and Jehovah’s sacred names, and compare the Holy Ghost to Spider-Man, that you have somehow disproven the gospel. Well, guess what, dipshit? You haven’t disproved jack-shit.

You think you’re the only one who can hide behind a computer screen, hoping that your insanely obscene ramblings will lead people further away from Eternal Truth? Well two can play at that game, shitbreath.

I feel the stinging of the Spirit in my mammary meat, that you have found a way to reach the “hip-young-kewl-kids” with your sacrilegious vulgarities. But you aren’t the only one. Like the Prophets of old proclaiming “Lying for the Lord”, “Profaning for Providence” has been revealed unto me. If you can mock the gospel in order to lead fuckwits astray, I will mock YOU until those poor, lost, wretched, shit-for-souls return to feast on the Word of Our Holy Fucking Redeemer.

I will scribe the single greatest book proving indisputably that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (all rights reserved) is God’s Only One and True Church on the entire face of the fucking earth. And I’ll smack your spiritual scrotum off in the process.

You think you can just whine like a tittytick about your missionary experience, and that should be considered a book? Well, boo-hoo for you, devilpoo. My publication is going to have charts and graphs and references and shit.

It’s called research, motherfucker -- something your book was too busy with sacrilege to even consider.

I already have an outline and everything. This tome is super fucking legit, bitch. God’s perfect gospel is going to have its day in the sun which will outshine several supernovas. And just in case you are as dumb as I think you are, that’s, like, really fucking bright. I know because I totally facebook messaged some physicists.

Don’t you dare think for a goddamn second that you can be the only one to get drunk and impart truths of the human spirit. My wife and children’s medicine cabinets are filled with prescription drugs conveniently awaiting sanctified raiding.

Were you aware that if you take ritalin without being ADHD, it has the opposite effect?

Of course not - you filthy, worldly caffeine addict.

But Mormon Mommy Bloggers have a special testimony that misappropriated medication gets shit done. And because E. Raptor Jesus’ wife has made a covenant to obey him as he obeys The Lord (trademarked), she has imparted that sacred information unto him.

The bottom line is that my book will fuck yours right in the face. Watch your titles slowly slip into outer darkness as the angels promote my sale’s ranking to loftier and loftier heights. Due to the gospel, my prosperity is greater than yours.

My book brings all the priesthood holders to the yard. And they’re like it’s better than yours. Damn right, it’s better than yours. I can teach you, but I’d have to charge.

I can’t wait for my book to blow your gooey ass away. You are going to be so fucking astonished at all the evidences that prove the gospel true. You think you may have known with your failed testimony and shit, but just you fucking wait, man. The church has just been waiting to release all this mind blowing shit. Now that you stupid apostates have all gone rogue, we can finally impart all this fucking knowledge, dude. We didn’t think we’d ever have to talk about all the vast, mountainous, great expanses of evidence of proof for the proviness of the fucking truth. But then all you KoRiMoRoNs were like, “Why did Joseph fuck all those kids and shit?”

But now, “Bam! I know the gospel is true because [insert evidence ‘x’ from shit-ton pile of external verifications].”

God, you are so fucking stupid. I can’t wait to swab that conceited grin from your fiendish visage. My testimony is totally the shit. You are such a lack-wit for leaving. Wait until I authenticate that to your ass. You’re going to complete the Pride Cycle like a Mother Fucker of Helemon.

All my love,



E. Raptor Jesus



P.S. See you at Thanksgiving, twat.

Your somewhat fictional judgmental relatives are way more entertaining than my real ones.

My mother, who is no longer Mormon but retains all the self-rightousness thereof, just tells me how she "knooooooooows what she knoooooows is truuuuuuuuuue...."

It must run in the family. ;-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/26/2013 12:46AM by imaworkinonit.

can't wait for his book! !!

I couldn't get past the perfectly sculpted bosom. Does that mean i'm gay and didn't know it all these years?

LOL!

I gather your "cousin" is jealous of your looks, has man boobs and a small penis. He knows some swear words and insults and has heard about facebook.

Either that, or you're off your meds and channeling your self-righteous-stick-up-your-ass-previously-mormon self.

Man, your family reunions must be like XX rated versions of SNL. Wow, I want to watch this in person.
You family certainly DOES NOT mince words.
This is so Over the Top, is it real? This is not a very talented Raptor making up a rude cousin? This could be a comedy routine on X rated comedy hour.
I am trying to tell my friend about one of your books and can't remember the titles. Please post the titles again.

So he wants to use your jargon, does he?

Two can play that game. Write back:

My dear brother,

As I imagine your face reading this message, I am reminded that you were chosen as one of the very select who would be sent to this earth, reserved for this time of preparing for the Second Coming of even Jesus the Christ, the redeemer, the King.

It is with this sacred awareness and the greatest respect that I condemn your book to the altar of irrelevance, which it so richly deserves.

Its content of religious platitudes and declarations of certainty regarding uncertainties guarantees your book will find its low level, the shelf companion to "Stand for Something" by Gordon B. Hinckley, the most evasive waffler to ever fill a television screen in prime time.

I am sure you will consider sharing a trashcan with "I'm not sure we teach that" Hinckley as a great honor."


Anagrammy

Since my family consists solely of The Best Man Ever™, one biker brother, and several small dogs, I haven't anyone to regale me with such pithy tomes!

I feel soooooo deprived.

Oh this is awesome, shades of Cousin Screwtape indeed!

Oh RJ, you always come through just when I don't think I'll smile again. Love you.

RJ any chance we might be able to get E-RJ on a Red Bull and Ritalin fueled "proselytyzing" mission to the "Handshake House Central/Great and Spacious Retail Establishment" area on one of the upcoming weekends before Xmas?

Hallelujer! I'm feeling the Spirit of E. Raptor-fucking-Jesus!

This book will be amazing.

E. CorkSuckus Vitus


With cousins like this asshole; who needs enemies?