Its almost been two years since me, DH & our children left TSCC. I love life not being Mormon but the aftermath has been brutal. I feel like I have lost everything. We went from having great family relationships to almost non-existent, no friends left & learning to live outside of TSCC has been challenging. DH and I use to have an amazing relationship but since leaving we now have issues. DH can't make any decisions on his own. He is so use to being told what to do by TSCC and his parents that now he can't decide anything. And there is the added stress of the shunning and bad behavior his family has shown us since our exit out. I just want to get passed all of this and enjoy life again. I hate Mormonism so much! Any advice on how to get over all of this?

Sorry your experience is so different from ours. We left two years ago and are loving it.

Don't know what to say other than find some fun stuff to do as a family, especially on Sundays so you can see how much better life is. Meet new people through interests you never had enough time to pursue individually or together.

There are plenty of (genuine) friends to be made, and it might help to know those whom you can no longer count as friends weren't your friends in any case.

Thanks for the feedback everyone but I think that I need to clarify a little more that we are soooo happy to not be Mormon anymore. We love life outside of Mormonism. We love trying new things, alcohol, R movies, going different places on Sunday, shopping on Sunday, etc. This part of life is Awesome. The part that is terrible is our family is shunning us, we don't have any close friends anymore & just adjusting after being TBM your whole life is presenting some challenges. I use to have a very full social circle and it has dwindled a lot. There is a void that I don't know how to fill. I keep trying but it just hurts and I miss having family & friends that support & love us. That's all! I just don't know how to fix this part of my life.

This is harsh, but you've really got to come to grips with the fact that your family and friends did not "support and love you." They simply never learned how. They did not ever have the self-confidence to support and love you. They support and love themselves, they included you only so long as you validated them. You left the Church, and they promptly left you--because their support and love for you was never about you. This isn't their fault, and it's not yours. It's the fault of a cult that doesn't know how to develop people into strong, compassionate individuals.

So now you've got to make it your mission to develop the skills your family and so-called friends don't have. That's to treasure people as individuals. The next step in moving on is learning what you were never taught in Mormonism--how to develop relationships with people that are more than just confirming for each other that ya'll belong to the same cult. Then you can teach them too, and create authentic relationships with your friends and family.

To develop the strong sense of self that can reach out to others without needing to have others confirm the self is one of the many things unknown to most TBMs. Mormons like to think that they learn all kinds of good things, even if BOM isn't true, while in actuality, they learn very little.

Do you live in Utah? Or something close to it?

Living the in the "mission field" does wonders. You find that there are GREAT people that actually know how to lead happy lives without the "gospel".

The good thing we are not in Utah! I can't even imagine what exmos in Utah go through leaving.

It takes time. For me it took a few years to come to terms with it. It's strange to go from a pre packaged life with all the answers and everything laid out for you to an abrupt change of life that feels like you're out in the wild blue yonder wondering where you are now and what to do.

After a while it gets better but it doesn't just happen. You'll have ups and downs and things could get worse but no matter what, you need to try and look at the bright side, you're living a more genuine life now and it's a real adventure.

I think you'll find new friends or regain some of the old friends, maybe even the same Mormon ones, but you'll have better friendships because they'll be more real.

Just be patient and try to keep smiling and loving even when you have to force it. You'll be happy you did imo.

I feel that way pretty often. It's only been a few months for me. Take solace in the fact that you didn't completely lose your relationship with your husband, since it's the one that matters most.

Do things together. Now you have time on your hands, and the freedom to do what you want. To hell with so-called friends and family who don't want anything to do with you. Get used to spending time together as a family. New, less judgemental friends will eventually come along as you put effort into socializing, but it won't be like in the church where you have an automatic built-in set of friends. And if you can, go to family counseling.

Do you have children? If so, go all out spending time, energy and resources on them. Don't forget to spend some on you and spouse.


If no kids, go all out with spouse. Go explore the world. There is so much out there that you've been deprived of. Find out what and where. Have some fun! Being mo is not fun.

If you live in Utah you might want to consider moving out of state where every one isn't judging you. We just moved and let me tell you...after about 2 weeks we were absolutely thrilled to realize that we kept meeting NICE people! Normal people! People that are just worried about getting through life in happiness and they aren't worried about the next life more than this one and they feel and convey that there is enough in the world for everyone!

I knew a Provo woman who left tscc and started a weekly play group for non Mromons of all variety. Spread out and start joining things like gyms, museums etc. i.e. places that encourage diversity.

Also, if there is a YWCA or YMCA there are probably kids classes and activities that will expose you to other families and interests.

A non-denominational spiritual center might help answer spiritual needs. Oh man, now I am going to get pounced on...but we were not going to let tscc take away our spirituality just because we don't want to be in their club! There are other cooler clubs of every stripe out there and we found one we really enjoy!

And be sure to go out to brunch on Sunday and have mimosas!

I think the problem many have with leaving TSCC is the void that is left in their lives. There has to be something to fill that void. The void can be social and/or spiritual. It took me nearly a decade to leave TSCC because I didn't have a new paradigm to replace the old paradigm. Leaving TSCC can feel like stepping into an abyss with no direction. It is like leaving an abusive relationship and wondering if you will ever find another relationship. One might reason, "The relationship was bad, but, at least I had some meaning and direction in my life."It is up to the individual to find meaning in his or her life. This can be done by joining some sort of group that sparks your interest, attending a church (I know some may cringe at this), or finding some sort of philosophy on life that makes sense to you.

There is no easy way to deal with TBM family. The thing to remember that it is your life to live. If they truly loved you, they would love you regardless of your spiritual decisions. It is more a reflection on them, than on you. It shows you the shallow, conditional relationship it was.

Ir's difficult at times. My kids shun me. They told grandkids not to talk to me when I phone. I cannot visit them and they have stopped communicating. They did not invite me to the grandkids very hard to take, but it does prove to me how vicious and vindictive the Mormon church is and how devious its brainwashing techniques are with their minds. I can only hope that they will find out the real truth and the deception of Mormonism, but when they do, that it doesn't hurt them too much. I certainly look forward to that day coming soon.

At family dinner, open a conversation and see how many things each person can name that is positive since you left the cult.

Check the local newspaper and look for free family days at museums, historical places, or parks. Go to public gatherings such as art in the park places. Fill your free time around people. Make your DH decide which one to go to. Then on the way home praise him for the choice he made. You both are learning the lifestyle that you are supposed to live not one you are told to live.

It helped me and my family. Perhaps it will make a difference. Also there is a website which the board sensors won't let thru. don't know why. it is a valuable place to find people with similar likes in your neighborhood. I will try putting spaces between the words and see what happens.

m e e t u p dot c o m

hope that helps. I have gone to many functions thru that website and met interesting people.

I still get mad about it too. I think since the holidays are approaching I'm getting restless at night. Insomnia is striking bad recently, I know leaving the morg is the root of it. So sad. Its been a couple of years for us too. And I keep wondering why its so hard. I mean c'mon! Can't I get past this yet?! There are good days and bad days. I don't know if this helps or not, but just wanted to add (to the other great responses...) that you aren't alone.

I was full of rage for several years, and I ranted and raved on RFM about every new horrible thing the cult did: the extravagant City Creek Mall, Hinckley lying about polygamy in heaven, Hinckley lying about Mormon men becoming gods, Proposition 8, and on and on. The abuse of my children, being stolen from, and very rude affront that my friends and I had to endure silently. I was even threatened the the bishop, SP, and my home teacher--horrible, hateful threats that you would not wish upon your worst enemy--and all I did was ask legitimate questions as to why I couldn't get a temple divorce. Eventually the kids and I resigned from the cult, to stop the Mormon harassment. The harassment when we were still members was the worst. We can take the rude shunning much better, now, because we are over our "Sunday depression" and have re-built our self-esteem as individuals and as a family.

Perhaps it just takes time to get past the anger. Anger is one of the stages of mourning. I think the more sincere we were in our beliefs, and the more we loved the church, the longer it takes us to recover.

The Truth fills us with joy, and anger at the same time. Then, we feel guilty for being so happy! I was so relieved that it was all lies! We are free!

I was so upset that I decided to get rid of EVERYTHING MORMON--even the supposedly good things. I changed my lifestyle (yet was very moral and more Christian than before) My kids and I started new family traditions, we threw bookshelves full of Mormon literature. We concentrated on REAL, hands-on charity work, doing what we felt like doing, for the right reasons. We met nice people that way. We even eat different foods.

Along these lines, we emphasized different hobbies and talents, that the Mormons discouraged us from doing. Now we had time to do these things. What I discovered, is that many of these very worthwhile pursuits are NOT SOCIAL. You don't need a group to do things with, all the time. You don't need someone giving you orders. For example, I've enjoyed taking philosophy and science classes. I've read about other religions, and Buddhism is one of my favorites. I enjoy existentialism, and the writings of Emerson and Thoreau. Voltaire seems like a new friend and soul-mate in my life. He teaches me more than the Ensign ever did. My new bedtime scriptures are the poems of Robert Frost and Wordsworth, and others. Instead of pounding out Mormon drivel on the keyboard, I enjoy seeing all the operas I have missed during my lifetime. I had seen only a handful, as a Mormon, because Opera is not popular with Mormons. My children and I ski, mountain bike, hike, skate, and go on trips together. There are no Mormons involved in that, either, especially when we have this fun on Sundays.

I was angry at the cruel gossip, the accusations that I was too weak to live up to Mormon standards, and that I quit because I wanted to sin, etc, etc. So angry! But, over time, I realized that I honestly, deep-down disliked my Mormon neighbors and former-friends. They had just been using me for my musical skills, and for my sweet, innocent children. I was a single mother, and never had any respect in the first place. I was left out of the couples activities, and later the family activities as well, because my children hated church. The leaders were being physically abusive to them. I'm sorry, my Mormon neighbors are the same people who kicked my boys upstairs, for being late to meetings, who tried to molest my little girl, who robbed her of her self esteem, who made up lies behind my back when my brothers visited, saying they were lovers staying in my house. These same Mormons think that I'm going to outer darkness--and they are going to be kings and queens, priests and priestesses. They arrogance and entitlement makes me cringe.

I get past all this by reading books, playing with my children, concentrating on a great career, helping people who really need it, laughing with strong people who have a positive outlook on life. Avoiding the fear and darkness that the Mormons want me to feel.

Anyone who expects and hopes you will fail in life is your enemy. Thomas Monson, the prophet himself accuses apostates of being lazy, offended, and wanting to sin. How could you possible consider trying to make friends or build a relationship with such a person, or with any of his followers. Go out and find new heroes, be your own hero, live a different life. Get a dog. Get married, if you want. It does take effort. Don't be afraid of making mistakes, as most are reversible in some way.

Happiness lies ahead for you! >^..^<



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/01/2013 06:37AM by forestpal.

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. The ordinary experience of life is to accumulate personal experience and become "wise" by learning the lessons from your own mistakes.

You and your husband have been deprived of this normal progression of a further unfolding of your personalities and a maturing of your interests as you change, growing older.

Mormons rely on the edicts of others, the decisions of the Brethren and local leadership instead of developing their own confidence in a personal moral code which they own. (This is why you see so much affinity crime and MLM scams - Utah the Scam Capital of the World) This is evidence of lack of conscience.

A person who leaves the Mormons has a love of truth and a refusal to participate in the Mormon cultural lie. This is a big ray of hope for you two. It is normal not to know what your opinions are - how could you when you haven't "needed" opinions, you could "never fail" if you just followed the brethren.

This is a life of slavery. It is not the life you were meant to live. To recover your real life, you need to acknowledge that this is a process, not an event. It is going to take some time--BUT YOU HAVE TIME NOW. You have the time and the money to embark on an exciting adventure TOGETHER.

Your life in Mormonism was dedicated to building up the kingdom--you promised all your resources towards that in the temple. Well, now all your resources are available to spend toward building up YOURSELVES and YOUR FAMILY, which has been drained by a mafia of religious thugs using threats and coercion.

Push them out of your mind and turn to the future. Be kind to one another as you are both crippled and need to support one another as you restore the personalities inside which have been crushed. Make a contract to not criticize one another for the next six months-- just for fun-- to give yourselves some room to breathe. You have lived under a harsh judgmental religion and you deserve a break.

Each of you get a paper copy of "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. This is a workbook - not about religion - but originally written to help artistic professionals (artists, dancers, writers) unblock their creativity. It is a First Aid book for the soul. This book will give you directions on what to do to give yourself sufficient stimulation of experiences inside so that you have something to express in some form of creative outlet. You will discover things about yourself you never realized. You will learn how to handle your anger by channeling it regularly into morning pages so that the rest of your day is clear and ready for productive activity.

Ahead of you is the great deferred adventure of personal discovery that was taken from you in order to bleed you of your money. Plain and simple.

Just like a victim of a mugging, you can choose to spend your time looking for the perpetrator to bring them to justice, or you can go to physical therapy and spend your time bringing that injured limb back to usefulness.

Restore the personalities and interests which have been submerged and learn to deal with emotions using tools other than praying to be made a better person. You are already a terrific person, having joined a group like ours where people have paid a horrific price for integrity. Where people who sincerely believed have had to face our own foolishness and gullibility and have restored our self respect by reclaiming our own separate identities.

Won't it be a thrill to find out who you are? And who you married?

Personally, I can't imagine anything more exciting than the journey before you.

Please keep us informed on how it goes..we are here for you and we genuinely care. No one understands what you are going through. It will get better as your subconscious begins to relax and believe that there is no need to suppress so much.

Best

Anagrammy

Unfortunately, you can't count on former friends or Mormon family.

Can you teach DH how to make decisions? When a problem arises, say, "Let's sit down and list pros and cons."

Fold a paper and list options at the top. Brain storm and list the good and bad of each option. Discuss. Count the reasons for deciding the issue.

Praise him. Celebrate being able to follow through. "Good for us! We did it! Let's get our favorite take out meal to celebrate!"

I think leaving the Church was almost as hard as my divorce. I'm sorry you're going through so much difficulty. Leaving the Church seems to launch people in different directions, because we all have had different trials with it. So, your husband is probably dealing with different issues than you are. That makes you both feel alone. Add to that the stress of the family shunning. It's really hard, and I believe the Church was set up that way to keep people from leaving.

The family shunning comes and goes for me. I think that's just how Mormons deal with people who are different from them. They are happiest when everyone agrees with everyone else, and they will fake it till they make it. And if they can't, then they will just avoid you. I found that they were always talking about me behind my back. They were just more open about it once I quit Mormonism. It's disappointing to learn how fake Mormons are and always were.

You guys should build some new memories. Find things to do together that bring you closer together like you did when you were dating. Things will get better in time, but you may have to work at it and find common ground. Best wishes to you!

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,820377,820780#msg-820780

My wife, family and I suddenly found ourselves with weekends free so we made up a list of things we could do on Sundays and we did every one of them.

You are not alone... It got so bad for my wife and I that she decided that she had to go back... I could not support her in that, it has created huge problems in our marriage. I long for the days when we used to love and show love for each other. Now she says she chooses the church over me... Even though she knows it is all a fraud.

You have a huge hole in your life now. The LDS Church demands a lot of time and talent. Your social life was likely built largely around the church. It takes a while to fill that gap.

Your entire worldview has been shaken. I have a hard time talking to TBMs because so much of what they take as a given is nonsense to me. Global warming? Jesus will save us. Gay marriage? The Prophet has spoken against that. How do you debate people who have such pat answers based on things you don't believe in?

You might go talk to a counselor. If you have found another church, talk to your minister. Unlike Mormon Bishops, they actually have training in counseling and are very well versed in crisis of faith issues. If you prefer, find a secular counselor with a professional license. They can help you get through this rough patch and help you help your family.

Get out and rebuild your social life. Find a church, club, or hobby to fill your time and rebuild your friendship circle. Mormonism provides an easy social outlet, but you have piecrust friendships, easily made and easily broken.

It will take time and it will not magically happen over night. This has a halflife and may never fully heal, but it will get better.

Couples counseling with a non-Mo or ex-Mo counselor would probably help a lot.

While in TSCC, we have almost no personal identities. Every minute of our time is pre-scheduled for us. We don't even know who we are or what we like to do.

It's going to take you and DH time and plenty of experimentation (as other posters have suggested) to figure out who you are, your personal likes and dislikes, how you want to communicate as a couple, etc. You're going to have to get reacquainted, court each other again, and go out of your way to support one another.

Be patient with yourselves and with each other (not something we were used to doing as Mormons!). Doing small, loving things for each other is a good start -- this time around, it won't have any ulterior agenda or religious baggage attached! Go on dates. Take the kids camping, to museums, bookstores, or whatever sounds fun.

Volunteer work of your choice can be very fulfilling. There are plenty of great organizations that need help (especially in the Morridor, where people won't do anything not affiliated with TSCC). Big Brothers and Sisters, the Boys & Girls Club, Rotary, Kiwanis, Shriners, your local food bank and homeless shelter, etc. are all good places to start.

Find other ex-Mos and non-Mos to associate with. It's refreshing to have real friendships that don't depend on TSCC and revolve around it.

I hear you about the anger, rage, & bitterness. The thing that helped me the most with that was to realize that the rest of my life was mine now and I could choose to live it any way I wanted: as a reaction against TSCC, or as something of my own choosing and creation. The second option seemed much more fun.

I still have those "I hate TSCC!" moments, but they have decreased over time.

I still live in the Morridor, but moved to a different town where I wasn't surrounded by my former ward. When the local churchies came a-knockin', I said I wasn't a Mormon and had no desire to be one, but thanks for saying hi. I didn't tell them my name and refused to answer when they used it.

It was liberating to have a fresh start. I go to Starbucks. I spend Sunday with my kids doing fun things (and sleeping in). I wear sleeveless shirts and above-the-knee shorts. I've made non-Mo friends. Although I'm surrounded by Mormons, they're hardly on my radar now.

It'll get easier. And a whole lot better.

When I figured out the church was false, I actually cheered. It had led me to where I was.

My "divorce" was MUCH, MUCH worse than losing the lds church. I'd already lost MANY friends. Amazing what friends shun you when you go through a divorce.

My family is also not too very TBM. Most are inactive at the very least. And because my life was such a huge mess and my parents knew how devout I was, they listened (but they seem to be exceptions to the rule around here).

You're writing,,,,"DH and I use to have an amazing relationship but since leaving we now have issues"

Wait a minute.....Now you both found out the world is not flat, is this creating issues? I agree that it can be a huge emotional letdown to move out of "Smalville"....
But the alternative of living reality is a priceless experience....

My best wishes to you, you already took the most important step...