I have a genuine fondness for missionaries in much the same as I enjoy watching children pretend to be their parents: they're playing, practicing the rules and roles that they have observed and have been taught without actually really understanding the significance of what they're doing. They're often belligerent, stubborn and rude, but not so due to some indecent character flaw, but because they have been taught, erroneously, that aggressive sales tactics are a manifestation of the Spirit and a way of showing love; after all, he that spares the rod hates his son, or brother, or neighbor, or whoever.

The line between childhood and adulthood is fuzzy: we spend years and years aping our elders, experimenting in new situations, pondering, learning, succeeding, failing, flailing until ultimately we discover we've made it all the way to the end of our lives without realizing that being an adult is as big a farce as young boys whipping each others' asses with sticks. So when I see the missionaries, I just see human beings trying desperately to play their part, hoping they won't fuck up their lines, and MAYBE make some small impact in the lives of the people they meet.

I've overstated my point a little, but you get the idea. They're just people - misguided, deluded people, sure, but they're.just.people. (I'll add a caveat that some missionaries can be arrogant, condescending, angry, abusive, or sociopathic, but probably not to a greater percentage than the rest of society.)

I received a firm knock on my front door this afternoon. I assumed that it had something to do with the construction going on in the street outside my home, and I was surprised and delighted when I saw the bright white shirts and shiny black name tags of the elders. I grinned at them and they grinned back. A thousand thoughts went through my head of what I could say to them: would I quote from the endowment ceremony? I've always wanted to greet the elders with a dramatic, "What is wanted." What role should I play: the angry exmo, the hedonist, the bible-thumper? Ooh, I'd love to get into a scriptural debate, even though I don't believe a word of any of it! I was overwhelmed with possibilities, and my hesitation allowed them to speak first.

"Is this the Otter residence?" asked the tall Aryan missionary, clearly the senior companion. (Incidentally, I don't mind using my real last name; I'm proud of my apostasy and have no one I need to protect.)

I bow my head and say, "Yes."

"We're just in the neighborhood trying to meet all the members in our area, so we thought we'd come by and introduce ourselves to you." Big smiles.

They're playing nice, so I decide to do the same.

"That's great, fellas, but I'm only technically a member, and it's probably best for both parties if we don't pursue this conversation any further."

Their smiles stay glued to their faces, but their eyes betray a glint of dismay.

"So you don't consider yourself a member?" The senior companion is the only one to speak.

"No."

"Why's that?"

Oh dear. I offered to keep this civil, but he's attempting to stir the pot. So many topics threaten to spill out of my mouth: Prop 8, The Book of Abraham, Mormonism's repression of sexuality, Joseph Smith's wandering penis. But I decide to put a quick end to this.

I respond firmly, "Because the church isn't true, boys."

They literally step backward, and their countenances drop. Maybe I was too boisterous with my brief proclamation.

"Look," I continue, "I understand where you're coming from. I was once where you are now. I served a mission, and I appreciate how hard you're working, but we're not going to see eye-to-eye here. I respect that you have your faith, but you need to understand that your faith is not my faith. I wish you the best."

I smiled and they returned the gesture. I shook their hands, we exchanged parting pleasantries, and they left as I shut the door.

All in all, it was a very amicable meeting. It could have gotten ugly, especially when the elder decided to press the issue of my disaffiliation from the church, but I really don't see the point in that. If they had been ruder or pushier, then I would have been happy discuss the finer points of my apostasy with them, but I'm glad it didn't come to that.

Despite the breaches of etiquette that the church espouses in its members in regard to letting folks "worship how, where or what they may," I don't often feel inclined to reciprocate.

When I served my mission, some of my favorite tracting encounters were with ex-Mormons, because they treated us like people and wouldn't allow us to play the missionary game. There was one man, a former stake president, who told us that he had once had a heated exchange with Bruce R. McConkie wherein he was told, "If you don't agree with me, you can go to Hell with all the other apostates!" He resigned pretty soon after that, and lived the next few decades very happily outside of religion. But he was friendly with us, and we all shared a laugh when I mentioned that Bruce R's grandson was an AP in our mission and hoisted his grandfather's mummified corpse up on his shoulders every opportunity he got to show off his "noble" ancestry.

With this thread I've made a lot out of very little, but I'm happy that the elders dropped by, and I'll wave at them the next time I see them riding through. I hope they have a good life.

The missionaries stopped by my door today too (hmm maybe we are neighbors :) I've seen them in the area the last two days but in the 4 years we've been inactive, they've never stopped by once so I thought I was safe. I figured Bishop Jackwagon told them to leave me alone because I know too much and totally outsmarted him.

Anyway, they knocked on my door, I opened it and smiled and said in my nicest voice "I'm sorry - we have a No Soliciting sign." They seemed startled and I took advantage of the pause to shut the door, before they could lure me into explaining why I thought their high and mighty calling was just a sales job. I honestly shut the door as much to protect them as myself.

But then I felt bad because they were soooo young - only about a year older than my baby boy. And they seemed sweet enough (probably because they didn't get a chance to start their pitch.) I thought of how I'd feel, knowing my son was getting rejected over and over and I was very sad for them. But then I remembered being a missionary and how the brainwashing helps you build up a wall against that. Not that there aren't days where the rejection is overwhelming but mostly you are just so sure you are right and so expecting to be sent away that it's not as devastating as it would be in real life.

I think they are out in force lately trying to meet up with "members." They did the same thing when they came to my door.

I was lucky enough to go years and years and years without having a single Mormon, missionary or otherwise, come to my door to talk to me about church stuff. Then, there were a couple of missionaries at my doorstep.

I completely agree with you, when I was a missionary I enjoyed meeting with exmormons because of how they treated me. I didn't have to constantly be on my game with them, or sell religion. They didn't want what I was selling, but usually understood the difficulties we were all going through.

Anyways, it was an okay conversation I had with the kids. When they asked if I was a member, and I mentioned that technically I still was, but I haven't believed in Mormonism in years, one of them got obviously uncomfortable and couldn't look me in the eye. He didn't seem to want to talk to me much even before that though.

Once the small talk was over and they realized that I wasn't going to add to any of their numbers or faith promoting stories, they left.

Cute and engaging to me isn't an awkward judgmental arrogant near adult who rudely shows up and meddles in my business.

I'm taken by squirmy little kiddies, developing middle grade kids, and I like young people who are authentic and focused on productive enterprises.

It's your prerogative to treat people who come to your home however you wish. I understand that you have a note clearly stating that solicitors and proselytizers aren't welcome on your property, and the very act of knocking on your door is intrusive and rude. They've already broken etiquette.

And, frankly, most of the world agrees with you that it's rude to knock on strangers' doors without invitation to solicit for your religion or other multi-level marketing scams.Those missionaries will undoubtedly encounter many angry people who feel accosted by their unwelcome intrusion into their lives, however brief it might be. And perhaps that's merited.

That's just not how I will respond when the elders or sisters roll around. I'm not recommending that everyone implement a specific demeanor or course of action when dealing with the missionaries; I was simply giving my perspective. Deal with them as you see fit.

But the police have notified them that they must not trespass.

Ah. Okay. Well, understanding that you've had particular difficulty with harassment from church representatives, you reaction to the missionaries is completely understandable.

I served with a few young men who refused to respect boundaries, and they were despised by a large number of missionaries, but loved by our leaders. The missionary program rewards aggressive, invasive behavior, and many of us were embarrassed by that.

GARDEN HOSE!

The first time the missionaries just happened to be in the area and dropped by, it was hot so I offered them a cold soda. When the question came up about church, all I could think of was one I my friends that was threatened with being disowned if he did not go on a mission. So I just said I don't believe and when pressed why not just said it isn't true. I never went on a mission but at some level I kind of feel sorry for some of them.