TBM Ex and I have been divorced a long time. We have kids together. Some are teenagers. He lives far away, has been remarried for several years and has more kids with wife #2. He's in town for the weekend, visiting the kids who still live here. Some are still Mormons, some aren't (but no one has resigned officially, including me).
In the past, he has been overbearing and pushy about church. He flew out to ordain one of our boys (in order to make sure it got done). This trip, he wants the kids (including the ex-mo ones) to go to church together in the ward my house is in; he invited me to attend, too. Then he wants us to all have a family dinner together at my house.
He's not wearing his wedding ring, either (although he's been without it a few times in the past). He and wife #2 got sealed in August after several years of marriage. (Both of them are not-nice people who have done crappy things to my kids in the past, but I digress...).
This all feels very weird to me. Ex was somewhat verbally and emotionally abusive to me during our marriage and for years afterward. He is controlling and doesn't respect boundaries. (He showed up at my house this morning to pick up the kids, even though I'd asked him not to because I hadn't cleaned).
Now he's being very nice. He even invited me to go out for dessert with him and the kids last night (although he made a point of not paying for mine).

I am confused. I don't get his behavior. I'm not sure if I should go to church with them just to do damage control (in case he tries to push religion down their throats yet again), or decline the invitation. They are only attending Sacrament meeting so they can watch football on TV after (again, at my house!).

I'm also tempted to go because of the effect it will have on wife #2. I know that is selfish and immature of me, but gosh darn it, she has done some hateful things to my kids (no physical abuse or threats).

On the other hand, I really dislike LDS church services.

Any suggestions?

I speak from common sense, not really out of experience. Take my suggestions with a grain of salt.

If he is someone that has hurt you in the past, it is probably not good for you to spend time with him.
It is your house, set your own rules. If you don't want to have dinner with him, don't. If he comes anyway after you told him not to, call the police and have him arrested for trespassing.

As for going to church for your kids: regardless of how much they believe, one sacrament meeting won't change their point of view.

I wouldn't go to church with them, and I definitely wouldn't host a dinner at your home. You're divorced, for Pete's sake. Let him take the kids out to dinner.

From what you've written, a lot of things ping wrong for me, but what do your instincts tell you?

Something feels off to you because it is, but you probably won't know exactly what it is until after it's happened. Then you'll be mad at yourself for not having guessed right. Don't discount your instincts and don't kick yourself for not being able to control all the variables.

I don't really have advice on what to do, but I would say if you decide to go to church together, don't go to YOUR ward. What's his game with putting on appearances of one big, happy family?

Can you come right out and ask him why he's inviting you without it sounding accusatory? Unless he's one of those people who overreacts about everything, his reaction could provide you a lot of information. If he blows up because you asked, that would be all the answer I needed.

Good luck and be kind to yourself. You are navigating a complicated situation with the kids in the picture.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/12/2013 06:49PM by Surrender Dorothy.

You are contemplating passive aggressive behavior. You are also thinking of sending your children a very bad message:

"It's ok if you don't believe it, you can still go and act like you do."

Attending and pretending is how a parent teaches their child that their personal integrity is not important.

This is just my opinion, but I think that's why my two oldest children grew up to be criminals. If you want your children to have a personal conscience, it's up to you to teach them that what you DO represents what you believe. We spend our whole lives trying to be more authentic, trying to make our actions match our values.

It is far more important that the children see you say something like, "I'd like to be with you, but I can't support what I don't believe in. I know you understand."

Something like that makes them think. One day they will start having questions and maybe ask themselves if they can go on a mission if they don't believe.

They will remember your example--that their mother valued who she gave her support to, and they will want to have that integrity for themselves.

Hopefully!


Anagrammy

PS. As far as the second wife goes, you don't need to do anything to piss her off. 1) She is married to your ex and 2) She is living the Mormon lifestyle. She is already in hell. If you don't think that's enough, wait until the children swing your way (and they may) and he turns and blames her. HAHAHAH!

He's your ex. You don't have to have anything to do with him nor do you have to let him into your home for any reason.

Stand your ground. Don't go to church because you don't believe in it anymore. As Anagrammy said, you are teaching by your example, and what would that teach your children?

The family dinner at your house is over the top. Let him pay to take the kids out for dinner instead of you having to clean the house, cook the meal and go through the stress of acting happy about it.

My ex tried crap like this. I will not willingly be in the same room with him for any reason. He was very abusive to me when we were married (20 years). I'll not let him do it to me again.

Hell no! No one gets to tell you to go to church if you don't want to, your kids either!

If he wants to spend time with the kids then he can set up a religiously neutral activity.

Asking and expecting everyone to go to church with him is just plain old manipulative and controlling. Don't let him get away with it (and you can be perfectly pleasant and polite while standing your ground!).

Plus, he is setting this up and wants to have a family dinner at YOUR house? Seriously? Is he offering to provide the food and labor? If not, tell him where to get off (I suggest a high point a long, long ways from the ground!!). Again, incredibly manipulative, not to mention arrogant and demeaning. How dare he?!

Good luck!

Looks like he's doing the 'Rescue', to look good in the Morg's eyes.and to put himself in control of all of you. That's very pathological narcissistic like behavior.

I have an ex-husband. He's nevermo.

He wouldn't even dream of setting up a situation like this. First of all, he knows that it will be a cold day in hell before he ever sits at MY dinner table with food I fixed.

Church isn't an issue with us, but there isn't anything I can think of that he would turn into a private family get together.

We see each other at graduations, weddings, and maybe when the grandchildren are born. No family dinners and church. If he wanted that, he would have had to be a husband and father to begin with, and then stay that way.

IMO, he's asking you for a family date. He's a married man. He's married to whats her face. Let her cook and clean for him.

Do only what's best for you and your kids.

Anagrammy is right on this one. The great thing about her, is she's made the mistakes, admits it, and talks about it. That's a very rare person who does that. Because she does that, she helps more people than she will ever know. I suspect its in the hundreds. Not only that, she's done her homework. She's worked hard at figuring out what her mistakes were. She's made mistakes, and now she's willing to share her knowledge of how to not make the same mistakes she did.

Yup, Anagrammy's right.

Thanks madalice and bordergirl.

After my son died at 28 in Salt Lake City at a party where the partygoers did not call 911 because they didn't want to look bad, I struggled with not feeling like I ruined the most important thing to me--my family.

I felt like such a failure it was hard to imagine I could do anything in the future which would have any meaning. After all, "No success compensates for failure in the home." And Mormonism not only failed my family, the culture was partly responsible for his death.

I took on the challenge to become what I should have been before they appropriated my life. Reclaim my personality, my compassion and stop being the sun with my children as my planets, my "glory", but real unique people themselves.

Who were they? I didn't know.

Finding out who I was meant I could help them find out who they are, and it has worked out that way. Helping people here at RfM is like my Mothers Against Drunk Driving. By sharing the mistakes I've made, I can tell people exactly what not to do. Like the MADD mothers, I feel like I take the pain and the shame and, with some courage, turn it into a warning that those who are ready to hear can take note and avoid the loss of a meaningful life for themselves and their children.

Best

Anagrammy

Sounds like he has made all the decisions for you......again?..
This is why (part of it) you got divorced in the first place, right? You didn't like it then but put up with it, now your thinking of doing it again...I'm with the above post. What does this say to your kids.... Your house too,, really.. Is he buying the food, cooking the food, cleaning up after? anything? Something tells me the answer is most likely no...So you will put with it while mad as hell the whole time. then ask yourself, are you mad at him or yourself for allowing what you don't want to happen, allowing him to CONTROL you....again.. Then you will be left to clean it all up. And when it is all over what positive came from it? What good was it? The only one who will be happy is him at your expense....again..

Tell him no.

Take yourself and any kids that didn't go to church, and go out for lunch. Buy yourself a nice glass (or bottle) of wine. Don't go home til old whats his name is on his way out of town.

If you have a friend that can spend the day with you, that would be great. If not, take yourself out anyway,maybe you'll meet a friend. Post here all day if you decide we are your friends for the day. Whatever works.

I don't think that he really understands the concept of divorce.

Wow, thanks everyone! Now that I read all these replies, I can see that he IS being manipulative and controlling -- and it's not much different now than when we were married or during the years before he got remarried...or even since he married whatshername, except that he's being all jolly and nice instead of angry and insistent.

I especially like madalice's suggestion about the wine. Too bad I can't buy any on Sunday where I live, but I bet there's a restaurant in the area somewhere that might serve it with lunch.

I am definitely NOT going to church with them.

A friend offered to leave a key under her doormat for me even though she won't be home tomorrow afternoon. I just might take her up on it. :-)

Ex won't pay for the dinner ingredients. He's too cheap to take the kids out to eat or even contribute to the cost of the meal he expects me to cook. I'd be feeding my kids anyway (I usually cook a nice Sunday dinner and invite the ones over that live in the area but not at home) -- but I'm going to make it clear that anyone who wants to eat will have to help prepare the meal and clean up after.

How did it go?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/14/2013 09:10AM by caedmon.

It went better than I thought it would.

I didn't go to church with them. I stayed home and did some Halloween decorating. :-)

We did the dinner, but it was a cooperative effort with everyone pitching in. The hot soup was really good on a chilly day.

Best of all, Ex left shortly after dinner (around 5:30). Not sure what he was doing the rest of the evening, but it didn't involve the kids. I won't have to see him again before he leaves town this afternoon.

He only visits about twice a year, so I won't have to deal with him again for another six months.

I'm not worried about his reactivation efforts with the non-Mo kids -- they are all old enough to see right through his tactics. Still, it's annoying.

Since when does an ex get to come around and dictate the schedule?

I would never, not in a million years, have let him come over for dinner.
It does not matter if you feed the kids anyway, your ex should have either ponied up for buying dinner at a restaurant or gone without.

Brace yourself for the next time and learn to stand your ground.