Sometimes, like this time, I'm not sure where to begin when talking about myself. More often than not, I'm overcome with an almost intolerable feeling of emptiness. Mostly because I'm coming to a cross-roads. This year I graduate and with that comes the pressures of maintaining my grades, filling out college applications and applying for scholarships.

The problem? Everyone expects me to go on a mission. Everyone outside my immediate family that is. That's issue number one. Over the past—nearly five years—I've pretended to believe in the church. Going through the motions as quietly as possible in order to avoid any attentive eyes. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough now that it's almost mission time. My parents seemed to have taken my decision to abstain from the mission field well; only because I padded it with lies about personal revelation. Maybe that was a stupid decision, maybe it wasn't.

See, last year, I told my parents I no longer believe in the church, leaving out a few things in case the whole discussion went sour. Which went further south than I could have reasonably expected. Accusations of me being a practicing satanist flew around, that I'd lost my light, that I'd turned into an evil monster. Two ultimatums came about following this discussion, one overt, spoken in words, the other more of a mental pressure. The first was that I'd no longer be considered a member of the family. This burned away my heart, ultimately causing me to lose trust in nearly everyone. The second ultimatum, the one causing me the most heartache; the stability of my family.

When I told my parents these things, my mother fell apart. She stopped paying attention to my siblings and ultimately became a recluse. My father started breaking down as well, coming home from work enraged and shouting. So I executed my backup plan--faking belief. All of this took place a week before the October 2009 conference, where Jeffery Holland gave his hellfire and damnation talk regarding apostates. That didn't help my situation at all.

Fast forward to today, at the crossroads. I have on one hand, the pressure to pursue a mission and on the same hand I have the stability of my family. Being the eldest, my parents have put me in an extremely difficult position. I must make the choice between living my life, or the destruction of my family. What kind of choice is this? I've become quite adept at dissociating my ego from emotions over the past five years. Throttling emotional needs and sexual desires—there's too much risk in pursuing these things. There are some emotions that I can't quite distance myself from; this decision between my life or my family being one of them.

I've never spoken to anyone about this in an interpersonal setting until just two days ago and it feels like that discussion never took place. I wake in the morning feeling like I'd dreamt the whole conversation. Perhaps because I've only ever experienced that kind of emotional clarity in lucid dreams. More often than not, I wish I could just fall asleep, hibernate like the grizzlies in the rockies. To wake up to a different family, to wake up to someone that loves me. I've reached out, I have a hand to hold onto, but I can't see it, can't feel it.

I'm so emotionally detached from the world that I feel nothing; nothing but pain perhaps. I don't know how to stay afloat in that house. Going to seminary every morning at six, reading scriptures with my mother and siblings afterward, then somehow attempting to focus on my schoolwork. I'd like to think that being public schooled would've given me some sort of reprieve, but they say the grass is greener.

I don't know where to go from here, or how. I'm trying to maintain my sanity, to prevent myself from completely self-destructing and turning into an apathetic mass of flesh. Hopefully things will improve now that I've reached out. I'm told there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm not one to get my hopes up. For now I'll continue going through the motions.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/03/2011 06:06PM by Susan I/S.

I was in a similar position at 19. Oldest child, expected to go on a mission etc...

The only thing I can tell you is that you are not responsible for your family's happiness or stability. You could be the best son possible and they could still choose to be miserable.

I left home to go to school and never went on a mission. About 5 years after the fact, my mother told me that they never thought I'd serve a mission. That didn't stop them from putting the pressure on, and acting all dissappointed in me for those years.

It seems there are several nonbelievers on the board that are your age these days. anon123 is also stuck at home as a nonbeliever.

Like Rob said--you can't make other people happy. It isn't your job. I tried ALL MY LIFE and I finally quit trying.

Others will have advice that I don't have--as I really did everything right just to make sure my parents never had to worry about me.

You should find a way to remove yourself from that environment. I would suggest a school in another state or at least inconvenient travel distance from you rparents home. The breakdowns you describe indicate instability in your parents, family counseling is encouraged, though I would not trust a counselor recomended by the church. Eventually you will need to man up and live your own life. You are not responsible for how the rest of the family or your ward members feel or react.

Your dissociation is happening due to the enormous and unreasonable pressure you are under.

Are your parents helping you with college?

If so, go off and get out of the house!

Once you are well into college, tell them the spirit tells you to finish your AA or batchelors before going on a mission.
That will buy you time.

Get a job during breaks, do not go home!

By the time you have your degree you can give them the finger. You DO NOT owe anyone a lifetime of service in the Mormon cult.

I'm so sorry that your going through such hell. It's so difficult to just say that you don't believe. I agree with the others, you cannot be held responsible for your family falling apart. That cross is not yours to bear. Your parents making you feel guilty is part of their ammo, in my opinion, to keep you on the straight and narrow. I agree with buck, I would go to school in either a diff part of the state or a diff state, that might not be possible, however, it will give you breathing room. I did this very thing. It allowed me live a life I wanted without having them breathe down my neck 24/7.

You are super eloquent for a kid your age, keep writing it out here and you'll get a lot of answers and support. Again, agreeing with buck, you might have to grow some bigger cajones and man up in order to live the life you want to live. Good luck and update us often. Hugs.

You can't make your parents happy. You are not responsible for your mother's actions. She is. I know that's easy to say when I'm not the one living it. But a lot of us have had to deal with unhappy family members, so we can relate a little to what you are going through.

If you're filling out college applications, then get to another state!!! PLEASE! Now is the time in your life to experience freedom and find out who you are and what makes you happy with life. This is true whether you are a mormon believer or not.

I too went with the lying path for a while with the parents. It made life a heck of a lot easier. So if it makes it easier for you and your parents happier then go for it and don't feel guilty about it. The truth can come out after college and remember, it is up to your parents how they react.

Good Luck to you.

I feel for you. You are losing your authentic self. You recognize that your parents are weak and depend on you. I know that is an unfair burden, but I have a suggestion that might work.

Start attending another church, a kind, sweet one that will give you a new set of language about spiritual living. Chose one that matches your personal beliefs as closely as possible. (If you don't believe in god, then imagine that you are god. If you were god, what kind of teachings would you pass on, that you feel would be positive for humanity.) Then find a church that matches that as closely as possible.

As you start speaking about more positive ideas that sound more enlightened than those found in mormonism, your parents might be positively influenced in their feelings toward you and things beyond mormonism. (They have fears about what will happen to you if you leave the church. These fears have been indoctrinated into them.) It will be harder for them to fight you if you have found something better. (They fight you by becoming incompetent and irrational.)

So as you start saying things that are hard to react against, like: "I don't think Jesus made a heaven with polygamy" how can your mother especially, fight against that? Deep down she doesn't believe that either. Having you express something that makes her feel good, will weaken her resistance to your new path. She will see you as enlightened and spiritual, and that will renew her hope both in you and in god.

In the future when the coast is clear of course you can leave this new church with little opposition if you choose to. But right now I think this would be an effective stepping stone. Find something that doesn't make you feel inauthentic though. I know it is hard to know this having only been a mormon, but many other churches don't care too much about doctrine and are heavy on feel-good philosophies.

IF you find yourself having an aversion to feeling good or light-hearted in church, that is only because of your upbringing in the gloomy perfectionism that is mormonism. And remember, if they give you too much flak about your new church, throw their Article of Faith back at them about worshiping according to your own conscience.

Good luck and don't despair.

I just have to tell you that you are very articulate for your age. You sound very intelligent. It also sounds like your mother has depression. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You did not bring that on!!!!!!!!! I don’t know where you live but do you have a HS counselor that you can talk to that is NOT Mormon? You need to have someone to talk to that is neutral and NOT a Mormon. A coach, a friend’s parents? Exercise can do wonders. Please find someone to talk to that you can trust. There are plenty of people out there who specialize in teen issues and what you are going through is not uncommon and like the others have mentioned, many times the eldest child takes on more of a caretaker role and becomes head of the family in a sense. You are not alone.

I agree with dit's advice. Go to a college that is not a convenient drive from home. You are almost home free!! Once you get to college, nobody knows you. You can be yourself. And who cares if Mom throws a tantrum at that point. She will get over it if she hopes to have a relationship with you. Make sure you are able to support yourself and that you do not rely on them for anything. I worked and supported myself through college and did not get a dime from them, that helped me to assert my independence without strings attached. Good luck to you, you can do it!! Your real life is about to begin!!

+1,
Take away their power to manipulate you, and yes, your Mom breaking down is equivilent to a toddler throwing themselves down on the ground because someone took her "binky" away. Go away to school and minimize contact, until you are able to "disapoint them" without it hitting your conscience. It is up to them to get over it. Once you make your stand, you have to be resolute, no matter what happens, and never let them percieve that you waiver. That will give them hope, and refuel their reconvert fires for another 5 years. You have to smother that fire if things are going to work out between you and the fam.

1) you are not going to destroy your family if you leave the cult; though the cult might inspire your family to tear itself apart as guilt/punishment for not being able to force you to stay in it.

2) a few years seems like a lifetime to you now, but your control over your own life is only just beginning. Hang in there: you'll get what you want if you continue planning for it and working toward it.

3) do what you need to do for YOUR future. Do not cave in to plans that you aren't interested in: if you don't want to do the mission thang, then don't. If you do want to go to an out-of-state university, then go.

4) let everyone else expect whatever they want from you. Your life is YOUR LIFE. Sooner or later you'll learn that you can't please most of the people most of the time, so you might as well start young learning what will get you where you want to go, how it will get you there, and who cares what everyone else wants? Parents and relatives almost never want what is in your best interests: they want what will maintain the status quo for them. That doesn't mean you have to hand it to them at the expense of living your own life.

Best wishes.

I'll echo others in saying you sound very eloquent and like a deep thinker (which I'm sure is what got you 'out' in the first place)

It struck me that my dad used the 'lost your light' line on me as well. Is that in some church parent's handbook or something?

I know it's hard, having been brought up in a church where guilt is heaped on you from the start, but you need to find a way to see that how your parents are reacting is based on their own brainwashing, and YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR IT. It took me quite a while to let tha sink in for myself, but was probably helped when my younger brother left as well. (I am also the oldest, so I understand that 'extra' pressure to be the example)

Good luck, and coming back here just to get things off your chest will be helpful, besides all the support and good advice you'll get.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2011 05:27PM by foggy.

"YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR IT"

I know I'm not responsible for their actions. "I" doesn't share the same sentiments. My logical half acknowledges this and accepts it; while my emotional half refuses to accept it. I feel responsible for their actions while I don't believe I am. Does that make any sense?

It's all very complicated in my head...

This is why moving some distance away from your parents (at least for a few years) makes a whole lot of sense. You need some time and space to discover what kind of life you want to make for yourself as an adult. I did it myself and I recommend it.

Disappointing one's parents is a necessary but painful part of the path to adulthood. You are not a "mini-me." You are a unique individual with your own talents, dreams, hopes, and desires. Your parents got to choose their life, and now you get to choose your life. Don't let them do the choosing for you.

I disappointed my mom in any number of ways -- with my aversion to organized religion, my move cross-country, my lifestyle choices, the way I dressed, etc. You know what? She got over it. We ended up building (rebuilding, really) a very good relationship once she realized that I was my own person.

You're going to be okay. Get out and live your life with no apologies.

Moism is a cult and it still will be 10, 20, 50 years from now.

Save yourself (and any siblings/friends you have) from that BS. It may be too late for your folks.

Something tells me your mom has done this before, when things didn't go as planned...It's a pure manipulation tactic.

You know the church is not true, and if you think your conscience bothers you now, just wait until you try to tell someone that they are doing the right thing when they get disowned by their families for joining the church under your influence.

She has always sobbed when things didn't go her way--when outright defied. That's usually when my father comes in with the yelling. There isn't much opposition in this house, just quiet discontent.

Since this drama has played out so often, you can see that whether you serve the chruch as a missionary or not, the dramatics will continue for one reason or another (like your choice of spouse, number of kids, etc) and so you might as well do what you want to do anyway.

This is important to your family, and that should not be discounted, nor should their feelings be dismissed, but you should never persuade people to do something you do not believe in, and you should not pay that kind of money and two years of grueling salesmanship for something that you do not believe in.

It is my opinion that if you do decide to go, that you do it for the right reason, and that reason has to be that you believe it with all your heart and you WANT to share this sincerely with other people, no matter the cost.

But either way, whether you go or not, you are an adult and your parents are adults. You are old enough to choose for yourself and they are old enough to accept that things aren't always going to be to their wishes.

If I were to add just one more thing- you have already proven to your own satisfaction that the church is not true with genuine facts.

But as a missionary you will be trained to persuade people though prayer and fasting, through manipulation techniques like looking directly into their eyes and changing the tone of your voice in order to bring "the spirit" into your discussions and create an emotional response in the investigator. You will knowingly lie and withhold information that you have in order to achieve a baptism into a false church.

Take a deep breath and tell your parents that you will not go.
Theatrics be hanged.

Hello Strykary--

I can tell from your participation on this forum that you are wise beyond your years. Trust yourself. The road ahead may be painful and lonely but you will survive if you make thoughtful decisions and allies.

When I was 18 (over 40 years ago) I faced similar issues. I worked hard in school to earn scholarship money, and worked at part-time jobs to earn cash, and managed to get accepted in a state university far from home where I began to build a new life on my own.

I succeeded, but I was left without the wisdom of parentage in the process. To this day I envy the people I went to school with who had the benefit of parental wisdom, support, and guidance. It was easier for them than it was for me. However if the price of all that is the dysfunction of the Mormon family, then I'd go it alone anytime.

Remember that most Mormon parents put the church ahead of the well being of their own children. This is an inexplicable tragedy nobody else would tolerate, and one you just can't fix. My advice is not to waste your time trying.

Best wishes,

ep

Keep an open relationship with your mom and dad but live your own life. I would not go on a mission to please anyone else. I had doubts before my mission but went anyway. It took me 10 + years to wake up from the Mormon coma that the experience put me in. If your not careful you could end up years later married to a believer with kids— like me— and then it's really hard to change your life.

Things are tough now but if you patiently and lovingly set boundaries for you life your loved ones will likely come to respect them with time.

Go have fun in college. There are people out there who will love you for who you are— and I suspect with time your parents will come around.

Good luck. And come around here anytime you need to talk.

You got some good advice here. Mull it over till you can actually see your way out. I hope you have a friend or confidant. Don't try to do this alone. I have high hopes for your success.

Not the god of Mormonism that requires a list of this and that to be done on a daily basis. But the one God who wants nothing more from you than for you to seek Him. This isn't about you and anyone else; just you and God. If you don't know if you believe there is a God I suggest you seek Him and ask that He show himself to you.

Your family has no right to demand anything from you. You love and respect them and that is enough. Everything else belongs to God. Period.

I pray you will seek Him because he dwells not in churches made by mena and least of all in Mormonism.

out

I was in a similar position two years ago. I am the oldest male child in my family, and I grew up in a home where my parents leveraged every choice against me on the basis of religion and how I was to be the example that their other children could be proud of.

A little about me. I am from Colorado and so being a member was the gateway to a life guided by both members and non-members alike. Everyone was always there to make sure you knew exactly what choices were available at any given moment.

I began doubting the church at around the age of twelve, due to the fact that I was very timid. The church wanted me to talk to everyone about a religion, and I was already ashamed of being a member because kids at school made fun of me. This instilled an unusual hate for the idea of a mission and left me without desire to serve.

In high school, I was attempting to balance my life by creating two distinct personalities. The first being a fairly normal life where I would struggle to identify my true emotions toward the church. The other was a life where I tried to keep my parents and family fairly happy and convinced that everything was going according to the typical Mormon plan. My belief was that the church could be true because it was the only thing that I had known, and everyone told me that Satan wanted me to leave and so I was scared that maybe I was letting Satan get the better of me. At any rate, that did not resolve my serious problems with the church.

Anyway, to make a long story short. I was cornered by my parents at the age of nineteen because they going to pay for college, if and only if, I went on the mission. I went through the whole repentance process, much to my dismay, and put in my papers. I did a lot of thinking and research to try to gain a strong testimony of the church, but the end result was that I was confronted by only more questions and doubts. I went through the temple and left frustrated and angry. I had no one to talk to about my feelings. I left for the mission and absolutely hated the lifestyle, and how I could watch intelligent kids have the wool pulled over their eyes by a bunch of old guys in suits. I had a lot of time to think, and eventually pieced together my argument for why I felt that the church was not true. I was six months in when I finally asked the mission president to let me go home. It took six additional painstaking months to actually accomplish that task.

When I got back I was treated like the black sheep. I was required to pay for things that no other child in my family has had to pay for, and my parents threatened to not pay for college. Also, my mission president was telling other missionaries that I would never be happy and will never find a wife, or someone that truly loves me. All but one of my siblings has treated me differently. My mom was/is a wreck, and my dad was/is furious with me. My relationship with them has been stressed, and would be considered fragile with my father at best. He has told me that he prays and hopes that something tragic, such as losing a child, will happen to me so that I come back to the church. But, after all of that, it has still been the best thing that I have done. I have never been happier. I no longer have to deny the things I found logical, which as a member I was forced to do. Now, I live as the person I truly am and want to be.

It has been almost seven months since my return. I live at home and commute to my university. My parents have decided to pay for my school because I was planning on joining the army ROTC and having my school paid for that way. My mom was not a fan. It has not been easy. I respect them and go to church every week because it is a house rule. My sister is getting married and I am constantly talked about behind my back, and to my face about how I am damaging the family and ruining the wedding experience for my sister. Would I go back and change what has happened if I could? No, I would do everything almost exactly the same way.

Our experiences with Mormonism set us apart from the rest of society. They become a defining factor in our personalities and our personal stories. People will listen to how you were treated by the church and your family and commend you for having the courage to do what you believed to be right.

Mormons are taught to react the same way when they are confronted by certain situations. I cannot make the choice for you, but I would recommend you look for the path that leads you to being the happiest person that you can be. That may involve hurting your parents and family, but with time if you continue to show them love and respect, even if it is not reciprocated, they will start to make changes. At least that is how it has been for me. It is a slow process but I am starting to be the recipient of some respect by the family at this point. As long as, you look at all the variables and make your choice accordingly you will be fine.

I think that you are being very brave in carrying out your plan for your eventual emancipation. Great job!

I have to shake my head at a religion that would make your family feel that you're ruining your sister's wedding experience, or that would cause your dad to wish that a future child of yours might die. Unbelievable!

If going on a mission would solve this problem, I think that this would be a more difficult situation. But, the fact is that going on a mission will not make this situation better. Once you get back from a mission, then the same tactics and guilt will come about when you start dating, and when you start talking marriage--if I just went to the temple to save my family. If I just went to church. . . If I just became a priesthood leader. . . If I just bless and baptize my kids . . .

The sad fact is that the stress of holding the family together will ultimately cause you to start the entire cycle over with your family.

You are an adult, or just about. You really need to set some boundaries with your family and tell them that you will be your own man, and it is up to them to learn how to deal with it.

All my best to you.

Blaming you for family problems, the shaming, threats, the character assassination (the dark spirit thing), the emotional manipulation and crying, yelling . . . . those are all control/abuse tactics. They are acting as if you are betraying or hurting THEM (if you don't comply), when in reality they ARE hurting you.

My opinion is that the emotional control and abuse in your home is probably as destructive or more destructive than being part of a false religion. Please read up and get help if you can, because you will need emotional support and practical help on how to deal with your family.

This is YOUR life. YOU, and ONLY YOU have the absolute right to worship according to YOUR beliefs and to choose how to spend the next two years of your life. Your family is willing to hurt you, threaten you, villify you if you don't choose THEIR way. It's about a mission right now, but later it will be something ELSE they expect of you. You might as well cut your losses.

I highly recommend Patricia Evans as an author of several books on dealing with controllers/abusers. I would recommend her for anyone dealing with an abusive religion or family.

And until you actually DO graduate . . . I'd just try to get along and avoid talking about the mission.