Hi, Hold Your Tapirs, I was very surprised by your phone call a week and a half ago. Last thing I expected to hear from your lips was that you were unhappy with your research into church history. My hubby (gizmo) and I have enjoyed reading your posts, especially now knowing who's behind the comments ;)

Yes, the dreaded backlash. It was tough enough for us when DH and I finally acknowledged to family that we hadn't gone for over a year. They knew, but thought that once we had our baby we would come back, because why wouldn't we want to raise our baby in all this brain-washing? We were lucky that we didn't have kids at the time we left and, even better, we were both researching and/or rethinking our "supposed" beliefs separately sorta at the same time (hubby was about 2 yrs in his "apostasy" when I began). Your road may be tougher with more people and social/family ties involved, I think. Mainly depends on your wife's response.

I'm not sure how to gauge your wife's response to you wanting to stop going to the TSCC. What have been her responses to you talking about Rough Stone Rolling and historical facts?

I had 2 different conversations with your wife shortly after we acknowledged to family that we weren't going to TSCC nor going back that lead me to believe she could respond somewhat "well" or "not so well". In one conversation, I can't remember exactly what she asked me (maybe "how can you live without going to TSCC", said in a non-judgmental way), but my answer was: "You know how at church they teach that you can be happy only by following Jesus and doing what the church says? But I'm happier now." (Hence, my username here ;) ) Her response: "I can see that." She actually sounded sincere. Wow!

The other conversation was her asking me if my DH and I would let you bless our daughter (she was 3mo when we finally acknowledged to family that we weren't going back to TSCC), since we weren't going to do it. Your DH and my MIL are the only ones that asked if we would permit someone else to bless her. She was a lot more respectful about it than my MIL. It really bugged me that my MIL must think that her "once-perfect" son must not feel worthy to say some words in front of a bunch of people at a church while holding our daughter? Whatever. I guess I kind of expected it from MIL since she's a control freak (she rivals our dad; no, actually she's worse) and a worry-wart. But I was surprised that your DW asked, too.

So I don't know which way to expect her to respond to you wanting to leave. However, you and she were the only family members that were annoyed with how our parents responded (namely our mom saying things like "what are people at church going to think of us?"-*eye roll*) to us leaving and the only ones to defend us and our decision to leave. One sibling told you that my DH and I were just being immature and wanting to hurt our parents, but you responded that that sibling didn't know what led us to our decision and that it has nothing to do with our parents (maybe that is why that sibling's spouse called me to find out why we left). When my DH heard what my sibling had said, he thought that was ridiculous, too. What have my parents done to him that would make him want to hurt them? Ridiculous! No TBM ever acknowledges or believes that people's beliefs/disbeliefs are the reason they leave TSCC. 

Side note - I forgot to tell you that one sibling told me that Dad didn't pester me about going back (he was amazingly respectful after going through the typical bishop questions about us leaving-feeling unworthy because of sin, someone offending us, inactives influencing us, not paying tithing), since he knows we would return in about 5 yrs. Well, DD is past "baptismal age", so I guess the "revelation" that we would return to TSCC was a little off ;)

Another side-note: My MIL commented that "I'm always going to wonder" by not being part of Mormonism when she tried to talk me back into TSCC, well, I guess, trying to threaten me back in. Honestly, SHE would definitely wonder if she didn't have TSCC, but I actually wonder and worry less. I'm not killing myself trying to live up to some ridiculous ideal. I don't feel so judged all the time any more. I allow more acceptance, understanding, and patience in myself and others now. And I really do wonder and worry less (in fact, I don't worry about it AT ALL) about what will happen to me and my loved ones after this life. And my life is MY life. I don't have to spend hours at some church building when I would rather spend more time with my family enjoying being with them.

Thanks for your thoughts, sis.

Yeah, I thought you would be surprised. No telling how M&D and the other siblings will react. I still haven't talked to DW to lay it all out there, I keep hearing advice to go slow. To start off with showing her some things that got me started. I would rather just rip off the band-aid and be done.

The bless your DD thing, that originated from your MIL. I told DW I didn't like it but, out of respect for your MIL (she is kinda cool), I didn't stop DW from talking to you about it.

I was glad to back you guys up in your decision to leave, family is family with or without the church. Some people just don't get that.

Thanks again for your words, it's great to know I'm not alone. Love you guys.

Funny how the church brings family together! ;)

Going slow is best, because as my DH pointed out, you've had over a year to digest and process all of this, but your DW hasn't. I can empathize with the desire to just rip off the band-aid and be done--you want your life to be YOURS and not to waste your time on an untruthful and harmful organization.

That's pretty interesting about my MIL asking you to ask me. DH and I thought it was odd that your DW would ask. She's just not the pushy type. So now we understand. MIL is cool, generous, and a hard worker, but she can't stand things not being the way they are "supposed" to be (meaning "the way she wants them to be"!) DH and I have definitely taken her out of her comfort zone. Lol! I'm sure you don't remember exactly when she asked you to ask us if you could bless our DD; I just wonder if she called you AFTER she had already asked me and I told her "NO!" very strongly and, for me, loudly! I guess she thought that if my brother asked, then I would change my mind? Wow! As I mentioned in our recent phone call, she's manipulative! She has a hard time respecting boundaries. Makes it tough for more family than just my DH. :(

You are so right - family is family no matter what. Thank you for recognizing and living that. And it is nice not to be alone. At first, it was scary - the thought of dealing with family once we made clear we weren't going back. Especially being the only family member to have left (at the time ;) ). Thankfully, DH was on my side so I wasn't alone. That made it a little easier.

I know having a sister and BIL on your side isn't the same as your DW standing with you, so I hope she can open her eyes and mind over time as you bring things up. How has she responded to the things you have brought up so far? Does she just shut the conversation down and say you need to pray together right then? Or do you think your discussions have encouraged her to do some research of her own? Maybe you'll get lucky like my DH, and one morning before getting up for church, your DW will say, "I don't want to go to church anymore." ;) I know it's got to be hard though to be patient and to give her time to take this all in and wake up from the fog.

Love you too bro!