So what if the rude question is “How ARE you?” My old ward members need to just smile and wave when they bump into me out in public. The last gooey sweet “sister”, that reintroduced herself (I’m ex, not stupid.) gushed the question “How ARE you?” My “Fine. How are you.” still makes me wish I’d said something like, I dunno…suggestions?
Isn't it interesting that simply answering her question with "fine" felt like I was being controlled. I like your way of turning it around. I Did feel like I was being asked to account for my life. Was she checking to see if I'd become miserable and evil since leaving? My daughter died by suicide about a year after I left that ward and the church. I can't help but think that lots of my old ward members correlated the two events.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/13/2013 08:22PM by Dorothy.
Many times with TBM in-laws I just take the "silence is golden" (or perhaps just incredulous) approach to dealing with them. Their questions always seem to be posed in a "have you stopped beating your wife today mode."
Last time TBM family visited us here in New York and after not having seen these people for many many years (and a new member of the family-just married in whom we had never met) some of the first things they said to use were "Is this a good place to raise a family?" "Do you like living here?" "Do you miss living in Utah?"
Perhaps seemingly harmless questions, but given the context and the fact that the last time we were in Utah we had family members ask us the same questions...and given we KNOW what motivates their asking...the queries really put us on the defensive.
This also reminds me of when our youngest was born and we gave him a very traditional name (ie. like Christopher or John-not wanting to out myself here) and TBM MIL-grandmother to a whole herd of weirdly named grandkids upon my telling her of the name of our new little one went silent and then said , "Oh, does he look like a "Michael") I felt like replying, "Do Nayvee, Bostin, Londin look like THEIR names?..how about Easton, Weston, River and Mavryck?
Ask: Instead of responding...practice this...you can do this!!
Say, "How are YOU?" (instead of responding to their questions.)
Ask them, "Why do you ask?" (That always gets them unarmed!)
You may need to say..."I don't understand...are you asking me something that is very personal...I do NOT feel comfortable with this...( then, let them squirm!)
You do NOT owe them anything!!!
Keep working at being assertive and you will in short time master this. Good Luck!
I'm a nonmo but I'd like to add a tick I used once. Years ago I had a coworker that became a newly minted born again zelot. At lunch he started spouting what his god would do to all the unbelievers. To which I responded "your god sounds very demonic". Well, it was like a train wreck in his little head!
So I keep this in mind. Ask the zelot, "what will your god do to unbelievers?" Then say "your god sounds very demonic."
...on whether is is a courteous greeting or the beginning of a pry. My hunch is that you're annoyed by an effusive, somewhat gushy affectation. It's part of the culture. I suggest you respond politely, and don't let annoying style. Distract you from substansive issues. You yourself have to be "without blame" if you hope to win people away from the cult. Do you want to enjoy feeling.sf superiorityo or do you want to free people from tscc?
I know what you mean though. I got the same type of "HOW ARE YOU?" from a friend the other day when I had to go to Provo for work. It wasn't your typical "how are you?", it was more like a "I know you are sad, depressed, and miserable being out of the church and I know you would be happier if you just came back" how are you... She saw me with coffee and I thought she was going to cry!
I was out to breakfast completely enjoying my vegan fare along with a mimosa. This place leaves a big silver coffee pot right on the table. In walks a lovely TBM lady and her two grown daughters. We chat pleasantly as the waitress replaces my empty mimosa glass with a fresh one! They didn't bat an eye, but I'm sure I was an object lesson later.
Any time a question is asked by a Priesthood leader (e.g. Mission President, Stake President, Bishop, their counselors, or just about anyone), that you are uncomfortable with, say,
ME: "I'm sorry I can't answer that question."
THEM: Why not?
ME: "It's against my religion to tell the truth."
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/14/2013 07:41AM by jiminycricket.
The latest scripted question: "We've MISSED seeing you in church."
Answer: "Exactly what about me have you missed?"
It makes them think. Of course, they have missed my organ and piano playing, but if they said that, it would sound like they were just using me. That is the truth.
If possible, I like to make Mormons put things into words, and then repeat their words back to them, for example, "So, God, who loves me, will keep my sweet family separated from me forever? Would Christ want this?"
"So, according to your church, I am forever sealed to a man who almost killed me, who has two temple wives. According to your church, this wife beater also owns my dear children by my second husband?" Does this sound Christ-like to you?"
"Your God seems very cruel." (Demonic is what it is, but I would never have the guts to say that.)
"I didn't see you at your granddaughter's primary program."
"That's because I was somewhere else."
"You missed your granddaughter's part in the program! She was so cute! She was so speshul, bla-bla!"
"Yeah, (cringing) I heard it non-stop for two weeks. I see all of her school programs, dance and music recitals, soccer games, her swimming and gymnastics. She really is speshul."
Here's something you can try: DW was wearing a tank top at Wal-Mart when she ran into the local ward's former Bishop and said, "Hi!" She was all shocked when the guy and his new wife didn't take the opportunity to love bomb her. Just said, "Oh, hi," and kept right on trucking. DW isn't even, technically, an ex-Mo.
Don't know if it was the tank top, but it did cause DW to say, "Wow, Mormons are sure judgmental." I think it was that or, as the now-former-bishop, remarried after having had a wife die with a hellish battle with cancer (all the while both staying active in their bishop and Primary President callings), he has neither the time, the inclination, nor the guilt-induced motives for trying to love bomb someone who isn't interested in TSCC. I rather think he's a nice guy and that it's the latter.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/14/2013 05:12PM by stillburned.