The church paints families as these flawless god given packs of people. The bible says honor your father and your mother. That's all fine and dandy if you can trust your family and parents. It's generalized BS when your family will rob you, control you, and abuse you. In a lesser case, not respect your personal sovereignty as a human being. the only interest the church really has in the family is it produces them more members and helps keep those new members in the church. If families took membership away from the church, the church would be calling families evil.

If families are so great, how come the first people suspected as the murderer in a murder case is the family? Families kill each other on such a high level that the police know chances are good another family member did the killing.

It's not about family. It's about trust and whether you came from the same line of vaginas and penises or not, that trust has to be earned. Leaving the church I found most my family really didn't want anything to do with me anymore. All the relatives I was close to have passed away. I actually have friends who are closer than family and whats cool about friends, you can choose who they are instead of just being stuck with them.

Family is great if you can trust them, not so great if you can't.

This I can agree with. It feels when your born into a TBM family, they expect you to be an item of the church. And treat you the same.

Mine isn't about TBM as most of my family isn't over the top.

I no longer speak to one sister and haven't for 4-1/2 years.

My younger sister isn't speaking to me yet again because she doesn't like it when she asks me for "support" and I call her on her bad behavior (she cheats a lot on husbands and boyfriends).

We even lost both parents 2 years ago and talk about hell when your worst enemies during the deaths of your parents are your sisters.

The church is their priority. It's never about unconditional love, but about staying faithful. I hate it.

:( sigh. I'm sorry Rubicon and all the others that are living this, almost unnatural reality.

MY mother is very manipulative, always was. SHe has offended me since i was a child by telling me my brothers are good but i'm no good, by telling me when i was older that she had no money because of me (I was born with a retinoblastoma).She says my husband is with me but doesn't love me and since i was diagnosed with bipolar disease, last year, she has insulted me even further by telling me i'm like my fathers family (my uncle committed suicide).

I tend to forgive her, i think i know she loves me and just doesn't realize she hurts me, but lately i just don't know....

I know this keeps me from being close to her, i'm even afraid to call her becausei know all i'll hear is criticism :(
I'm getting to the point where i think my own mother is toxic to me.

Wow, Maria MV you've just written a perfect description of a narcissistic parent. You were the scapegoat, as long as there is someone to blame, the narcissist doesn't have to face their own flaws.

Study what is available on narcissists and dysfunctional family dynamics, it is eye opening to see the patterns of behavior that you know so well repeated by countless others.

http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html

I like the descriptions on this site, and that it includes religion as a precipitator.

I'm a somewhat fan of Dr. Laura. She talks about people in our lives that are either annoying or dangerous and destructive. I use that test to evaluate who I keep and who I don't dangerous and destructive goes. My own mother is very close to being totally shunned.

Agreed

Hi WinksWinks. Yes, i read the description of the scapegoat and i agree (Though i was never really "wild", but had friends and went out sometimes and stayed ou late (My older twin brothers didn't, so of course i was the black sheep).

Thank you so much for the link and further info.Reading all your stories has somehow made feel less alone in this.

I wish it gets better for us all or if not, may God give us strength do do what's right (for ouselves this time).

Thread reminded me of when I gave my sister a key to my house so she could rest there after doctor appointments and before her 1 hour drive home.

She installed a CB in her car, picked up truckers on the interstate and brought them to my house to have sex in my bed (while I was at work.)

Ah, family...

and twist your nose.

The very commandment you quote of honoring your mother and father is the origins of honor killings. The old testament contained a penalty for each commandment. We just don't hear about those anymore because though its right there in the same text, it's concealed by not being taught. The penalty for not honoring your mother and father was that they had the right to kill you in an "honor killing."

In this culture and day, that honor killing happens symbolically by banishing or disowning the person. (While Muslims still follow the tradition of an actual honor killing.)

He told a touching story of having shared a 10 x 12 room with three brothers sharing a bunk, trundle and crib with minimal floor space. Stepping over each other to go to the bathroom.

Oldest likened it to what it must have been like living on an ark (metaphorically, he's not into literal interpretations of anything). Most of the time on the ark you probably would like to pitch the rest of your tribe overboard.

He went on to talk about community and needing one another because there is no one else on this ark of earth than all of us here and we really should not pitch one another overboard, but should show support.

It worked really well when he did it - I am not doing it justice.

We're supposed to honor our parents, right? Well, they were terrible parents. When they were not physically abusing us, they neglected us.

The one place where you should be able to relax and seek comfort was a war zone for us. We grew up in a bipolar environment; Mormon Mom and alcoholic Dad. As my therapist told me once, "They just didn't have it to give." They really didn't.

And my Grandmother is an abusive old lady.

I had to find new people to look up to. In my confusion, I picked the wrong people.

But honor my father and mother? WTF?

They are TBMs, but they are not happy with my decisions and the life I have chosen to live this past year, so they have shut me out.

This is so true.

My parents enable my brothers to be needy and petty, which made them into fuckups at one point in their lives.

My siblings pick on me all the time, but as soon as I call them out on it, God forbid I talk back.

my MORmON male parent worked me like a slave while growing up, to the point my grades really suffered. I had a nice fat missionary savings account by the time I graduated. it would be over 20 K in today's money. The MORmON church & my MORmON male parent were very interested in me when I was a prospective missionary, and micro managed my every move. After I served *my* (THEIR) mission,all the money in my savings was gone and suddenly they totally lost interest in what I might be doing with my future and How I might accomplish it, except that I was supposed to be very active in the church of course, but anything else that I might want to do for education, career, job, family was suddenly ALL MINE to cope with. When the Magic Jesus dividend for serving a mission never paid out, it had to be my fault 'cause who else could it be! I was totally broke when I otherwise might have had several years of college or work experience to help me out. my leg up to start my adult life ending up being an amputation, courtesy of LDS INC and my MORmON male parent. But why should I be so self concerned, like I was entitled to a life of my own. The important thing is that captain A-hole & his MORmON church had gotten what they wanted! Then ppl wonder why I get so pissed at ann romney whining about Mitt having to sell some stock to get through BYU. MORmONISM made sure that I was totally broke and 3 years behind with bad grades before I could even THINK about getting an education. ANother MORmON SUCK-CESS story that MORmONS dont want to hear about!

"Are you as good as the Romneys ?"

After I quit MORmONISM, my MORmON male parent would have killed me if he thought he could have gotten away with it, to keep me from tainting the rest of the family with my foul apostate tendencies. It was a huge relief when he finally died !!!!
He made my life miserable with his stupid MORmON church!
I want no part of him in any eternal family or anything else.
I totally understand what you are saying.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/04/2012 11:56AM by lucky.

I was raised in a toxic family. I was also raised in a cult. Twice lucky!

It took counselling and a lot of hard work on my part to allow myself to be happy and independent of them. A journey I started while still TBM and my parents fought hard and dirty to let me know that even though I had created a life for myself away from them now they would still be there waiting for me to want to enter the CK (as we were taught, you couldn't enter without your "family"). I hated, hated, hated that idea! I did not want to spend eternity with those people!

When I found the truth about TSCC I felt that the last link had been broken - what a relief!!!

...teach about how to be good, healthy families. Instead, it only waves the Family® banner and offers roles to play that are actually counterproductive to having a good family.

It is tragic when a family puts a church and it's bull$hit doctrine ahead of a family member. VERY un-Christ-like behavior IMHO. Soooo glad I was raised by good parents who never loved anything more than their children and grandchildren.

Ron Burr

My experience with families has generally been great. We have mostly gotten along well and love being around each other. One sibling pontificates too much now and again, but beyond that is a decent person. Now that I'm married with grown children, we watch the kids interact and they really enjoy being around each other even though some are TBM, while others don't attend. But we brought them up to be respectful of each other.

Family is my biggest hurdle right now cause the moment I resign shit is really going to hit the fan but its not like they supported me that much anyways. I'm still dealing with trauma from growing up in an abusive family. If only I had been born in a different family and not in a cult.

I agree, my dad's side of the family was toxic, and not because of Mormonism, but very patriarchal due to Catholicism. I was basically the black sheep of the family because I wasn't a boy, as males were who really mattered. It was subtle enough for me to notice, such as not being allowed to be in a picture with my grandparents, brother, and cousins who were all boys.