You don't know me, but for many years, I have given your organization what has amounted to tens of thousands of dollars, because you said you needed it. I am happy to see that you are doing well now, what with your multi-billion dollar mall, cattle ranches, and Hawaiian resorts, plus all the dozens of great spacious buildings you have erected all over the world for showing movies in.

Well, I am glad you are doing well, and have gotten back on your feet. I imagine you had been going through some hard times, because honestly, there was a time I was just a security guard making little better then minimum wage, and you were begging me for money. I would like to think that all the money I gave you back in those days when you were suffering, and you must have, because you said you needed my cash, played some small role in this remarkable turnaround.

Now, have you ever heard about karma and returning favors to a friend? As it turns out, I have been having some automobile problems lately, and my bank account is tapped out. I need a new water pump, and the refrigerator is starting to look a little bare. I don't get paid again until the middle of the month. With all of this in mind, do you think it would be possible to give me seven hundred dollars? I mean, I would promise to pay it back, but I already gave you tens of thousands of dollars, and never asked for a penny of it back until now. I think you kind of owe it to me to do this favor.

Sincerely,

Forbiddencokedrinker.

Dear FCD,

You have completely overlooked the entire purpose of tithing in God's plan. The tithing isn't for the church. Paying tithing is a gift you give yourself. The gift of eternal life. When you pay tithes to the one and only true church, you learn the meaning of true charity and christ-like love. In return, God opens the windows of heaven and pours out blessings such that you cannot contain them. As proof of this, please take a look back over your letter. Car trouble? No money? These problems only happen to people who aren't fully living the gospel and following the principal of tithing. I have always paid an honest tithe and I can't remember EVER having car trouble. Well, true, my car cost almost 100,000 dollars, but this is just further proof of the blessings you will receive if you will but do as The Lord commanded. "And it came to pass that I Nephi said unto my father, I will go and do as The Lord hath commanded. For I know that The Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them... yada yada yada. Now, pay your tithing and I'm sure the car trouble will be behind you and you will find blessing pouring from every orifice. I say these things humbly in the name of cheese and rice. Amen.

A gift I give myself? In that case, I want to return my gift for a refund.

Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.

And verily I say unto you, that the conditions of this law are these: All covenants, contracts, bonds, obligations, oaths, vows, performances, connections, associations, or expectations, that are not made and entered into and sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, of him who is anointed, both as well for time and for all eternity, and that too most holy, by revelation and commandment through the medium of mine anointed, whom I have appointed on the earth to hold this power (and I have appointed unto my servant Joseph to hold this power in the last days, and there is never but one on the earth at a time on whom this power and the keys of this priesthood are conferred), are of no efficacy, virtue, or force in and after the resurrection from the dead; for all contracts that are not made unto this end have an end when men are dead.

Or will I receive at your hands that which I have not appointed?

For whatsoever things remain are by me; and whatsoever things are not by me shall be shaken and destroyed.

For these angels did not abide my law; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity; and from henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God forever and ever.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, except ye abide my law ye cannot attain to this glory.

thehosscampus. j-E

Dear ForbiddenCokedrinker,

Thank you for your Inquiry,

Normally your letter would be handled by your local priesthood authoritybut in this case I feel that I should personally answer your sincere request.

When we live the law of tithing, we receive a ton of blessings, in fact there isn't room enough to receive them, these blessings often come as trials, like not having enough money.

Sincerely TSM
forbiddebPepsidrinker

It's nice to be quoted.

erictheex Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It's nice to be quoted.


it was epic and I could not remember who wrote it.

I have shared it with many friends...

No problem, glad you liked it. I have seen that post used before. I saw it on someone's blog last month.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/04/2013 11:16AM by erictheex.

Dear FCD,

I forgot one point. You were complaining about gold diggers earlier, so see how God has answered your prayers? No money, no car - no gold diggers.

Tommy

Know money, know cars, know gold-diggers.

My dearest forbidden,
As profit(able icon) of the church I do understand your plight, for I have "seen" many a widow when I was a strapping young lad of a bishop, and I know how hard it can be. But their tasty pies...oops, where were we?...Oh yeah, living the law of membership dues opens for me the windows of heaven, so that through my good name and fortune, the heavens will pour out a blessing upon you. But as you can see, it is more blessed to give than to receive. Don't squander your salvation by worrying about earthly trials. Remember too my child, that in the temple you did consecrate all that you have including anything with which you might be blessed, so if the heavens do pour out a blessing upon you, it will be your duty to give it all back.

Dear Forbidden

We have forwarded your letter to your local ecclesiastical priesthood leadership. Please expect them to contact you shortly regarding setting up a court of love for your blatant apostasy.

Love,
Tommy

PS: Our mall is not as financially successful as we originally planned, so please send us more money. Jesus needs the money more than you do, and does not care about your trivial car and refrigerator problems.

Dear FCD,

Not quite sure how your letter arrived on my desk.

I have started a new and everlasting religion called, "The Church of Breedum Young of Ladder Day Snakes."

I am only charging 5% membership dues.

Once I get this thing off the ground; I may be able to kick down $700.

Since Rely,

Breedum

dear FCD,

What exactly do you think the church is?---a bank?

You are straying into dangerous territory with your attitude. Look at the widows and their examples. Do they complain that they live below the poverty level or when their refrigerators go on the blink? Do they ask the church for a loan? No. They bake their bishops a pie and send me kind and thoughtful messages.

I took the time to respond to your correspondence, My time is very valuable. Do not write to me again. Just get busy and do as the Lard would want you to do and do it quickly. We already miss your tithing donation.

Sincerely,

Thomas Monson

Dear FCD:

Didn't you get my Memo?

Money / Wealth is the One True God (of Mormism, at least!)

women All know this, You're OBVIOUSLY a guy, out of the Loop!

sincerely, Tom

I wonder if Tommy would read a letter from an ex mormon (and raised by a better man than he [TSM]is/was or will ever be), beer drinkin', Canadian reprobate.....probably not...but if I had a personal email address I send him a note...

Ron Burr



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/05/2013 10:53AM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

http://www.thehosscampus.com you need to hear ... John

Heh heh Church of breedem young of latter day snakes!! Brilliant!!

Dear FCD,

The Lord will not give you a heavier load than you can handle. What will help you is to pray, fast, read the scriptures and get a second job. Gladly pay tithing first on all you have.

Turn to family. Surely you have a gold tooth or a kidney you could sell. Better yet, sell your shoes and donate the money to the church to build God's kingdom.

Great will be your reward in heaven.

Pass the Pepsi,

President Monson

For this is [he], of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee.
And if ye will receive [it], this is Elias, which was for to come.
And saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned unto you, and ye have not lamented.
Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes.
But I say unto you, That it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee.
Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
But he said unto them, Have ye not read what David did, when he was an hungred, and they that were with him;
But if ye had known what [this] meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice, ye would not have condemned the guiltless. ... thehosscampus.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/07/2013 09:09AM by johnelias3.

When I resigned in 2002, I formally requested a return of my last 5 years of tithing (~$50k). The Church responded to the letter, informing me that all tithes given to the Church belong to the Lord and are therefore not theirs to return (or something along those lines).

Hi FCD,

It's JC here, using my scribe for today, invisible potato head.

Tommy mentioned you were having money troubles during our weekly catch up at my place. I forget which place it was, I have so many homes on earth these days.

Anyhow, as you know Tommy is in no state to run the church right now so I have to do everything myself until I can "select" a new prophet, if you catch my drift ;) Killing someone and making it look like a natural death isn't as easy as it used to be. Those smart ass "I have faith in evolutionary biology" medical types are a pain in the ass at the moment.

So, money problems, right. Have you tried casting your net on the other side of the boat? What about opening the mouth of a fish and pulling the coin out of its mouth? I have to admit that giving money back to people isn't my speciality. I don't suppose any coins or notes have your name on them? If you sell me out to the Romans you can raise 30 pieces of silver. You could try asking your local bishop for help but it would be a miracle if he gave you anything.

If you have tried all of the above and still need money then ask my brother, he is loaded. His name is Stan and he runs the Catholic church.

By the way, count your blessings. When I was a boy (yes, here we go again), I didn't even have a car. To get to school I had to walk, to get to the shops I had to walk, to get to work I had to walk, to get to the temple I had to walk, to cross the sea I had to walk. You young ones have it so easy these days.

Anyhow, I wish there was more I could do to help.

Your omnipotent friend, saviour and redeemer,
JC.

Quit

Mass

Ter

Baiting

TM

Dear FCD,

Not only should you continue paying your tithes, you will have to purchase a large safe in which to store your poured out blessings.

I humbly ask that you look no further than to the GAs of the church to see what comes of faithfullness to the gospel and to the law of tithe. Look at my good bud Mr. Packer. As a tithe paying person, even his seminary teacing career has been sufficient to yield abundant wealth! Isn't the Lord's blessing of a faithful tithe payer amazing?

In fact, your continued faithfullness could well result in a General Authority appointment. Of course, we are NOT paid, as you well know, but somehow I feel that old car just may morph into a nicely appointed Lexus should you enter the ranks of church leadership. And perhaps a beautiful home could be in store for one of the Lord's annointed!

And the Lord's blessings multiply as you will see you will no longer need to account for or report anything..um....er blessings you'll receive while employed in the Lord's work.

So you see, my friend, not only should you not quit paying your tithes, you should double them and aspire to a commitment as one of the church leaders.

Your friend

Tommy boy

The disciple is not above [his] master, nor the servant above his lord.
And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.
Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
And whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold [water] only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward.
And said unto him, Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?
And as they departed, Jesus began to say unto the multitudes concerning John, What went ye out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken with the wind?

That's hilarious. It's exactly the type of nonsense a TBM would spout, not realizing how munch nonsense it was.

Dear Thomas,

Having not had a reply to my first e mail I am going to assume the US Postal service just mislaid it. Now you promised me, that if I paid a full tithe then the windows of heaven would open for me, such as I wouldn't have room to receive.

Can you point me in the direction of those windows?
(I hope they're within walking distance 'cos the cars kaput)

Dear FCD,

Perhaps you ought to get a better job to meet your expenses, or perhaps trim your expenses.

When some of my friends like Jon Huntsman Sr. or Henry Eyring got in money trouble they always kept the Lord first and found a way out. Huntsman had to cut back the yard service, and Eyring found some inherited stash.

Of course you may just be too lazy to be as blessed as they are. We all have work let no one shirk.

I so testify. in the name of JC.

Amen.

Thomas

Dear FCD,
You couldn't possibly have been a member of the Mormon Cul...er...church, as every Mormon knows full well exactly how Pyramids and MLM's work.
All the best,
Tom

Dear FCD,

Thus sayeth The Lord: Fuck You. As my servants told the Swedish saints, if mine answers are not pleasing as delivered by the mouths of my servants yea, my PR historians, the get the hell out. But thy tithes and offerings are mine to keep to build up the estates of mine elect. Even so, Amen.