| Subject: | Types of Mormon Testimonies |
| Date: | May 26 2004 |
| Author: | Lost and Found |
| Even as a TBM, I have always been irritated by and
enjoyed pointed out the oddities of mormon culture. One of the most
fascinating to me was Fast and Testimony meeting. I hated (and still
hate) this meeting. From where I am now, I can see it for what it is . .
. an opportunity for members to brainwash each other. To convince each
other that the absurd is true by pure repetion of the same phrases, only
occassionally in a different order. However, I found it most amusing to categorize the testimonies. I used to have a whole list of the types and make marks next to each one as I heard it. Then I would summarize it for my roommates back at the apartment (while attending BYU). They would try not to laugh, because it was borderline heresy. Here are a few samples: 1. The luvimony - common at BYU and in singles wards. This is where two starstruck lovers get engaged and take every opportunity in their 6 week engagement to "thank the Lord for finding the perfect woman (or priesthood holder) etc, etc, etc. "I Love Him/Her SO MUCH!!" Sob, sob, sob. 2. The travelogueimony - this is where someone took a trip and finds a way to relate every single event (including the greasy french fries at Denny's) to the gospel. Can go on for ever . . . 3. The fightimony - one of my personal favorites. This is when friends or family take private disputes public under the guise of expressing gratitude for learning patience, etc. Becomes especially exciting when the other part comes up to bear THEIR "testimony." Great fun . . . 4. The I'm-available-imony - again, common in singles wards (I was single a long time and somewhat of an expert on LDS singles living). This usually occurs when someone is new or at the beginning of the semester. Almost every guy or girl that speaks will make sure to add a tag line somewhere about their available status. 5. The cryimony - my least favorite. It seems that some members are either hormonally impacted by the pulpit, or they can simple turn on and turn off the tears at will. But some people will begin crying the moment they reach the stand and you can barely understand what they are trying to say. Everyone gets to sit uncomfortably through a 10 minute emotional break-down brought on by the truthfulness of the gospel. 6. The trialimony - you can bet that anyone who has recently had a surgery, an illness or just felt that they had a tough week will get up to tell you all about it and how the Lord either A. blessed them to overcome the challenge or B. is showing their love to them by how much He is trying them. Amazing how it usually seems to be the same people that always start with, "This past (week, month, year) has been a really difficult one for me . . . " 7. The gratitudimony - seen most often amoung single girls expressing their gratitude for their righteous roomates. However, it is also seen in family wards with spouses expressing overwhelming gratitude for their perfect partner, children, pets and whatever else. Usually coincides with baptisms and blessings. 8. We're movingimony - the mormon goodbye. Almost every family that moves out of a ward will take the last Fast Sunday as a chance to say thank you and so long. There were several more, but I can't think of them right off. Anyway, every single one, regardless of the topic, will end with, "and I KNOW the church is true. We ARE led by a prophet. Joseph Smith DID restore the true gospel. in the name . . . " Often as if these statements had something to do with the previous ten minutes of talking. Sometimes someone would slip up and mention Christ, but it wasn't very common. Any other types of testimonies I've left off? |
| Subject: | The "fullofcrapimony" |
| Date: | May 26 15:49 |
| Author: | Roman |
| Any person who gets up and says they "know
beyond a shadow of a doubt" the church is true. That person is full of crap. |
| Subject: | I have 2 more... |
| Date: | May 26 15:50 |
| Author: | Searcher68 |
| Talkimony: It seems that older men like to use the F&T mtg as a forum to give that talk that the bishopric never asks then to give. Admonishimony: The speaker will chastise the members for not doing better in: family history, temple attendance, home teaching, FHE, and on and on and on and... |
| Subject: | Excellent! Yes, I had those as well . . |
| Date: | May 26 16:00 |
| Author: | Lost and Found |
| I called them the "I've got something to
say"imony and I attributed it to the same group. Older men
basically giving a talk. The other I called the "chastisementimony" for the same reasons. How funny! It only shows that they are very obvious and real. |
| Subject: | Yes... |
| Date: | May 26 15:51 |
| Author: | pwalters |
| ...you forot the Therapymony. People who get up to the stand and all of the sudden think you are their therapist and that they have to tell you all the details of their pathetic life so that you will come up to them later to give them a hug and tell them that they are all right. |
| Subject: | The check-out-my-testimony-imony |
| Date: | May 26 15:59 |
| Author: | anon |
| Most common in singles wards/church school wards... This is the male version I'm talking about, about how strong their testimony has grown since their mission (or preparing for it). How much the spirit guides his life. I love families. I love the Lord (just like all you lovely ladies do, hey! we have something in common). sniffle sniffle I've just been so blessed. I want to follow the Lord and serve others, including you, singles-ward girls. Amen. |
| Subject: | That's kind of like the "Overly-confident-imony"... |
| Date: | May 26 16:19 |
| Author: | MySongAngel |
| I remember this older guy bearing his testimony to the Young Single Adults, and at the end, he got really serious and leaned forward and said, "I KNOW this church is true... I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord called Joseph Smith as a prophet of God...yada yada yada" He was so sure, adding emphasis to all of the "know"s. He was staring us down. I mean this guy was SURE. That was just as I was beginning to doubt. I remember wondering how he could be so sure, and I remember thinking that maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough. |
| Subject: | Re: As long as I'm on a roll . . . types of testimonies |
| Date: | May 26 16:02 |
| Author: | Anon |
| The repentimony - someone is being guilted into asking for forgiveness for some offense, real or imagined. Usually the person was right on target for telling someone off but we can't have that in Mormonism so the person has to apologize for telling the truth. |
| Subject: | if-i-don't-get-up-this-month-mom-will-ground-my-a**-imony : ( |
| Subject: | The "I'm-only-four-but-my-mom-told-me-everything-to-say-imony" |
| Subject: | Too funny!! Didn't see to many of those in the singles wards |
| Date: | May 26 16:17 |
| Author: | Lost and Found |
| but I sure see a lot of them now. Hadn't even thought of it. I'll have to add it to the list. |
Related Topics: 71. Testimony Meetings 107 Fast and Testimony Meeting
Recovery from Mormonism - The Mormon Church www.exmormon.org |