This is a combination of two threads of two individuals who have discovered the hoax of Mormonism within the last couple of weeks after 20 + years of service to the organization.
| Subject: | Today I am anxious . . . what have I done? |
| Date: | Mar 01 11:23 2003 |
| Author: | Nolongerin |
| It's been twenty two years of near hell, and a little over two weeks
of liberation. And today, I woke up anxious: what am I doing? What have I done? Where will
this road lead? I am beyond sure that my decision to leave is right. But suddenly, all the
guilt is back, hitting me in the face, surrounding me at night, telling me how wrong I am,
how much this will hurt me and my family, how I am sure to be smitten, etc., etc. I FEEL
LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY!!! . . . . . . . . . . . .please, help . . . . . . . . . . |
| Subject: | It takes a long time for the guilt to go away but I promise it will go away. nt |
| Subject: | You haven't done anything... |
| Date: | Mar 01 11:28 |
| Author: | Shakjula |
| You're going through what many people experience, which is along the
lines of post-traumatic stress syndrome. You've been programmed to think and react in a
certain way, so your subconscious self is reacting. Vietnam vets have experienced similar
things. Just understand it for what it is, take it a day at a time, and you'll be fine. However, if you need help, seek professional advice immediately. I wish you the very best of luck, and hope that the residue of Mormonism will be swept away. |
| Subject: | Re: Today I am anxious . . . what have I done? |
| Date: | Mar 01 11:32 |
| Author: | Tom |
| Before, the thinking was done for you and that made life easy. Now
you have the burden of thinking for yourself and that is much more difficult. Fear of the unknown will drive your mind back to familiar patterns for comfort. Until you exercise your mind and develop intellectual strength the old programming will beckon. It will eventually fade as you replace clouded thinking with a firm reality. Eventually you will get to the point where you wonder how you could have ever been so weak. Hang tough, it's like going cold turkey. |
| Subject: | I know that feeling......... |
| Date: | Mar 01 11:39 |
| Author: | jill |
| I used to get it when I was slinking away from Sunday services. Try
to set goals for YOURSELF. Education, travel, greenpeace ;), yoga, anything that is good
FOR YOU. You have taken a very brave & big step to do something positive for yourself.....keep going!!! |
| Subject: | The anxiousness will fade |
| Date: | Mar 01 11:44 |
| Author: | estebanito |
| and NO God isn't punishing you even though BY prophesied that you
would suffer. No God isn't punishing you even though all the prophets and GAs and church
leaders have ALL prophesied that you will suffer, and die. You see, all those men lied to
you. They simply lied, and weaved a horrible tale, and you were part of their lies. It
seems impossible to be true, but it is. The anxiousness you feel is NOT the Holy Ghost speaking to you. Nor is it God disappointed in you. It is the fear and retribution that has been drilled into your head. Your mind will try and place it onto God and onto the HG and all the teachings, but all you are experiencing is the feeling of free falling after leaving a terrible cult. We've all felt this to varying degrees, so we all can tell you to hang in there. All the fear about all other church's being wrong is a lie. All the fear the all the prophets have spewed is a lie. All the teachings you've received backing up the church doctrine is all a lie. You are experiencing the fall out of an all-encompassing lie. And it hurts like hell. Here's the bottom line. YOU are a good parent. Odds are a GREAT parent. You will be just fine. Your kids will be just fine. They love you, you love them, that will never change. You don't have to go to church at all. You can go to another church, and it will be just fine. It doesn't matter, because your family will have love and closeness no matter what you do with religion now that you're out of the cult. You are not going crazy, you are becoming a real person. |
| Subject: | "You are not going crazy, you are becoming a real person. " |
| Date: | Mar 01 11:46 |
| Author: | nolongerin |
| Oh, estebanito and others, you've just made me cry. Thank you.................. |
| Subject: | I still cry over all this... (cuss) |
| Date: | Mar 01 12:02 |
| Author: | estebanito |
| shit. This big steaming pile of horse shit that guided my life for
39 years. I'm out 6 months now and it still hurts like hell. So just plan on releasing the
pain, you'll have to. The week I made my decision to leave, I prayed on my knees for many
nights. I said, OK HF, if you really care about me, you need to tell me now if this is all
a lie or if it's true." Night after night I poured out my soul. And you know what?
Nothing. But THIS time, I knew there was no Satan controlling me. This time there was no HG guiding me. This time I knew it was nothing. I knew HF wasn't "testing" me, and I knew that Satan wasn't "tempting" me. It was just nothing. And it still is a bunch of nothing. But you are now free. And freedom can be pretty scary. But freedom is very liberating, and opening to the soul. You are reclaiming your life. You can now go forward and truly make your own decisions. And they can be fun ones! And you can laugh as LOUD as you damn well please. And you can look like anything you wanna look like. And you can dye your hair orange if you want. And you can drink some wine if you want. And you can be friends with whoever the hell you want to. You can watch porn if ya want, you can read whatever magazine you want, you can see whatever movie you want. Because it's all nothing, and you can be everything you want. So cheer up! It's Saturday, go take a walk today. Breathe as much air as you can. And I would suggest reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a short read, it will jump start your head, and you just won't believe what's really out there. |
| Subject: | You are the reason this site is here :-) |
| Date: | Mar 01 12:07 |
| Author: | Eric K |
| I can still remember the feelings you are now experiencing. I used
to think I could never get Mormonism out of my head. One day, about 2 months after
quitting the church, I drove to work as usual and arrived at the parking lot. I stepped
out of the car and suddenly it occurred to me, I did not have a single thought about
Mormonism for 30 minutes while I was alone. It was not yet full freedom from the cult, but
that was a clear sign its hold on me was weakening. It is amazing how much Mormonism
permeates our being and it requires time to heal. The Mormon church begins to fade and
have less and less influence in your thoughts and in your life over time. A couple of
months at most seems to be the norm for the intense feelings you have now and life gets a
whole lot better. Hang in there and post as you need to. Eric |
| Subject: | I still cry |
| Date: | Mar 01 12:47 |
| Author: | Deb |
| Every time I read a post from someone new, going through the same
thing you're going through, all those thoughts, emotions, memories come back to the
surface. It hurts because I know exactly what you're going through. It hurts because it's
so unnecessary for people to have to experience that, but they do. I've been following this board almost three years now. I began where you are, in the "what do I do now, where do I go from here" phase. This board took me through the name removal process when I was ready to and needed to take that step for myself (which only you can know when that time is--don't worry about that for now). The board has been here when I've dealt with all the family shit. I can honestly say that in the three years I've been in this following, I have never seen anyone post that they were going back to the Morg because they decided it would make them happier or they decided they believed it was true. I've seen a lot of people post that they sometimes long for the days when things were "simple" but it still wouldn't make them go back. I've seen people say they had to leave this community and stay active in the Morg because they felt it was the best way to keep their families together (but never once remember them saying it was because it's what they felt inside). However, I've seen hundreds of posts from people who "made it through the rain," as Barry Manilow would put it. And they, like me, are happier, much more self-confident, and thankful that they were one of the lucky ones who are able to become deprogrammed and break free. Yes, "I made it through the rain, and felt myself respected by the others who got rained on too and made it through." (Lord help me, I've got to do something about that Barry Manilow thing) |
| Subject: | Re: Today I am anxious . . . what have I done? |
| Date: | Mar 01 12:52 |
| Author: | LD |
| I went through spells of anxiety when I was discovering all of the mess that is the Mormon church. I started taking an anti-depressant that really helped. I was going nuts thinking it was "the spirit" telling me something. It's just a scary place to go. All of my friends and family were Mormon.... it will get better. |
| Subject: | I have been out 4 months and the anxiety depression/sadness is getting better...Hang in there! NTs is getting better |
| Subject: | What have you done this particular Saturday in the past? |
| Date: | Mar 01 14:21 |
| Author: | jroskelley |
| Tomorrow is "fast and testimony" day for the Morg. For 22
year (approximately 264 times) you have spent this particular Saturday in preparation for
"tomorrow". What "rituals" have you done once per month for the past
22 years on this particular Saturday? No more meals after you've had lunch? Contemplating
your testimony? Pounding the principles of "fast and testimony" into your kid's
heads a million times, thinking about what you might say tomorrow if the spirit prompted
you to stand up and bear your testimony? All these things you've done a million times and
you're mentally conditioned to be doing some very particular things today. You mentioned only two weeks of liberation? Well this is your first "F & T" weekend and your mind is trying to go though some certain motions but you're resisting. It'll get better. Stay here for support, true fellowship, and help with answers from many who have "been there and done that". It's just my opinion (except for the factual stuff). I could be wrong. Regards, John Roskelley |
| Subject: | this is f&t weekend... |
| Date: | Mar 01 18:14 |
| Author: | Suzi |
| Until I read the post above, I'd totally forgotten about tomorrow
being the "worst Sunday of the month" for me. I used to think about it a lot at
first...but now, Morg stuff just isn't running around in my brain anymore. All I can say is that it gets better. Consciously turn your mind away when Morg thoughts pop into your head. That worked for me. My best wishes are with you! |
| Subject: | You're Very Brave (and right) |
| Date: | Mar 01 14:53 |
| Author: | Aster |
| You have made a major life decision for the better. Of course you're
anxious but this will pass. Keep reading this board; it'll be sure to help you. If anyone
condemns you, try and stay away from them. This will take a while to get used to - this
being an independent thinker. Things will get better. Best Wishes |
| Subject: | I'm adding you to my list of heroes! |
| Date: | Mar 01 16:34 |
| Author: | goodnplenty |
| You've come to the right place for support and help! There are so
many wonderful, insightful people here who have gone through exactly what you're just
starting. It's tough because all of the thinking has been done for you and there was an entire package that you bought into that had explanations and answers for everything. Now it will be up to you to figure out what is true for you and your family and what values and beliefs you truly have and not what was forced down your throat. 22 years of programming and brainwashing cannot be undone overnight. So much of what you've done for the last 22 years has been guilt and shame driven. Congratulations on such a major, life-improving decision! I'm not kidding about my list of heroes. I am so proud of you and everyone else who makes the move out of Mormonism. It's not always easy to do the right thing. I'd love to hear more of your exit story and about you personally when you have some time. |
| Subject: | it may not be anxiousness, it might be excitement you feel. n/t |
| Subject: | Re: Today I am anxious . . . what have I done? |
| Date: | Mar 01 18:15 |
| Author: | free at last |
| We left the church three years ago, and it took a long time for the worry and guilt to go away. But it has, completely, and wonderfully gone away! Life is so much better. Just be patient. A lifetime of Mormonism will take awhile to get over. |
| Subject: | Re: Today I am anxious . . . what have I done? |
| Date: | Mar 02 01:47 |
| Author: | jen |
| I know how you feel and I know how scary that place is. I mentally
left a year and a half ago but I didn't make the official decision to completely remove
myself until this last October. While it was extremely hard to tell my friends and family
about my decision, the hardest part of my leaving was when I woke up one morning in
October and realized that if I didn't believe in the church anymore, that also meant that
the plan of salvation wasn't true. All of a sudden I went from having all of the details
of the pre-existence, why we are alive now, and all of the details of what happens when we
die to not having any answers about anything. I cried everyday for almost three weeks, I
couldn't find a reason to wake up and go to class and work and keep up relationships with
people. It was such a scary place, and then one day I woke up and realized that it was
okay not to have all of the answers. Once I really thought about that, everything has
become so much easier. Talk with friends about your feelings. Everytime I got the chance to talk with other former Mormons, it felt like therapy. I wish you the best and want you to know that it WILL get better. :) |
| Subject: | I remember vividly having some of these same feelings . . . |
| Date: | Mar 02 02:28 |
| Author: | imaworkinonit |
| and posting here, wondering if I was going crazy or something. I'm telling you that sometimes its NORMAL to feel crazy when you leave the church. The people here helped me get through that difficult time. And it helped for me to learn about cults and how they affect the minds of the people they victimize. When I realized that people leaving all sorts of cults experienced the same feelings, I realized that it wasn't GOD trying to call me back into the church. I wanted to find a particular link that helped me, but I couldn't. Here is one that might be helpful. http://www.rickross.com/warningsigns.html Surf around his website a bit, he's got a lot of good stuff. Certainly his information covers a lot worse cults than the Mormon church, but you'll see a lot of it really fits. It's normal to still feel some confusion. I remember feeling torn apart by some things family members said about their own testimonies. I could FEEL their emotions (what I formerly would have called the Spirit) while at the same time my brain was screaming "THIS IS BS!!!!!!" It was really weird. I thought I was going crazy. |
| Subject: | I'm on Day 10, Imnolongerin so... |
| Date: | Mar 02 02:38 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| I definitely feel your pain. I hope that doesn't happened to me. I know for a fact now after 27 years as a rabid TBM that it is all a lie so I have no guilt. However, my 4 recently grown-and-out-of-the-nest- children think I'm just 'inactive'. I can never tell them the truth. They will think I'm doomed to outer darkness for time and all eternity and it would devastate them so.... I wish I could offer words of encouragement but alas I'm pretty much in the same shoes you are. "Misery loves company?" Ha! Just kidding. I do sincerely wish you the best of luck. |
| Subject: | Day 10 of knowing the truth after 27 yrs....today threw away garmies, temple clothing, everything... |
| Date: | Mar 01 23:48 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| Thought I was past the grief and on to the anger stage. Wrong. Broke down in tears, sobbed for 2 hours, such a feeling of loss, deceit and betrayal. Jeez... Is it just me or did everyone go through this pain. |
| Subject: | It's normal. I had the crying, rages, blues, the whole nine yards. You Will get through it. Pamper yourself all you can. nt |
| Subject: | Be kind to yourself. It's not easy. |
| Date: | Mar 01 23:58 |
| Author: | síóg |
| I don't have an easy answer for you, only that you're not alone. You were abused and deceived. It will get better. Allow yourself the space to grieve. |
| Subject: | Whoa! Wobbie! Moving fast there. |
| Date: | Mar 01 23:58 |
| Author: | Breeze |
| Wobbie wrote: > Thought I was past the grief and on to the anger stage. Wrong. Broke down in tears, sobbed for 2 hours, such a feeling of loss, deceit and betrayal. Jeez... Is it just me or did everyone go through this pain. Grief. Grief is a long process, sweetheart. The stages kind of zig-zag back and forth between each other for months, years. Give yourself lots of leeway and patience. You're in for a bit of a roller coaster, so hop on for the ride, baby. I've been out for over 5 years and I'm still not done with the anger. Sadness is a thing of the past, but mine was wrapped in a divorce. My unsolicited advice is this: SLOW IS GOOD. Unwrap your post-Mormonism layer by layer. It's like Shrek, an onion. Most important: love yourself. Sometimes you may be the only source of love for YOU so go for it! Give yourself space to see your many, many strengths as well as your weaknesses. Opening your eyes hurts so take your support where you can get it...and sometimes that's just you there supporting you so, self-love hello. My name's Jenny. I was a convert for nine years of a bad marriage. Exited the church and marriage at the same time. What a double blessing that was! I'm in Oklahoma and very proud of my y'all. Just got in from a great night at work. I work for an orchestra and the donor thing went real well tonight so I'm pumped. Had a little wine, too! Mo' better! Remember, wobbie my friend. GO SLOW. That's safe. No hurry on being where some of the old-timers are. Ex-moism is a beautiful journey. Keep acceptance-of-self handy at all times. You are the one driving the car from here on out! Hope I'm making some sense here! Jenny |
| Subject: | Thanks to all of you |
| Date: | Mar 02 00:38 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| The support I've been receiving here is awesome. I know I could do this alone but y'all make it somewhat easier. I must tell you that I already feel freer--more at peace with God, the world, and most especially, myself. And Jenny, I'm already one up on you on the wine. Had TWO glasses tonight. Catch up, girl! Hahaha! See? I can still laugh. The Morg took a lot from me for many, many years--they'll not get anymore. Guess I failed to mention that they got all four of my beautiful children, all now grown, temple married, RM. TBM's etc. I taught them well, idiot mother that I am. Oh well, too late now. OK so I'm rambling. So sorry all but my state of mind has totally sucked since I threw out all the Morg stuff today. But I have to tell y'all that I was tempted, however briefly, to keep my temple clothing for a future Halloween costume. Wouldn't that have been a hoot? Ha! But... if another Mormon showed up at the same party they would have been mortified and offended--I just can't do that to someone who just simply doesn't know the truth--just like I didn't for so long. Still rambling, so sorry, will quit. |
| Subject: | Wal-Mart bag for the garmies...and I'm on my fourth! nt (no text) |
| Subject: | O!M!!G!!! |
| Date: | Mar 02 01:54 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| Hahahaha!! You won't believe this but that's EXACTLY what I did with
them! I shoved them in a blue Wal-Mart bag, tied a knot and pitched them in the outside
garbage! Ha! I didn't even but out the symbols and there was no guilt. Hahahaha!!! Your 4th, huh? OK fine!! Heading for the kitchen right now for another glass myself. Sheesh, life is soooo much better. Hey!! I even had a glass of iced tea this week. It was sooooo yummy!!!!!!! |
| Subject: | I've been out 6 months and it is still traumatic to me. I was a member for 33 years. Keep strong. It does get easier. nt |
| Subject: | WOW |
| Date: | Mar 02 00:08 |
| Author: | Rae |
| Day 10 and you did all that ! I have been working on recovery for 6 years. |
| Subject: | Guess it's gonna take more than 10 days.... |
| Date: | Mar 02 00:19 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| OK so I already knew that but I didn't think I would totally fall apart today when I began to get rid of all the cult stuff. Sheesh. I had framed pictures of the SL temple, necklaces of the YW symbol from the years I spent in YW, books... Lots of stuff... |
| Subject: | Keep it until you're completely comfortable letting it go. |
| Date: | Mar 02 00:26 |
| Author: | Breeze |
| If you don't want to get rid of something because of sentimentality,
there's nothing wrong with that. Hang on to it and observe your feelings for it. That's
okay. Everything is okay, actually. You're driving the car, remember. If you want to go
down an old street a few times before moving on, you can! You're really in charge. Accept
your authority and your responsibility for your life! Enjoy your authority. Jenny |
| Subject: | You'll be ok. Congratulations for confronting the truth. {Big hug} |
| Date: | Mar 02 00:23 |
| Author: | síóg |
| It will get easier. I found myself getting angry all over again just
today at something I read in a history of the church. And it's been 27 years for me. You'll find yourself stronger and more your own person before you know it. |
| Subject: | Can't find my original beloved BOM!! Looked EVERYWHERE! |
| Date: | Mar 02 00:28 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| That's when I completely fell apart. I have an old paperback BOM that I bought from the mishies in 1976 just prior to my conversion. I read the heck out of that book. It's well read and well worn. I loved taking it to YW and bearing my testimony to the truthfulness of that book. And of course I have my nice leather scriptures, but I wanted to find that book today and burn it! I don't want to run across it several weeks from now and go through this all over again. I want all of this cult crap out of my house NOW! Oh, but hey, I'm not bitter. Do I sound bitter? Jeez... this sux! |
| Subject: | I've been wondering how you were doing . . . |
| Date: | Mar 02 00:39 |
| Author: | StealthSister |
| Hang in there, Wobbie. You're going through a MAJOR transition, and
no doubt dealing with a great deal of disappointment after learning the truth about the
Church. It's natural that it hurts, but I know the hurt will lessen over time, and you'll
be fine. Take good care of yourself. Stealth Sister |
| Subject: | Thanks so much StealthSister. I thought I... |
| Date: | Mar 02 01:19 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| was doing pretty OK until I realized today that I really wanted to
get all that cult stuff out of my house. I was starting to lose it but was holding strong
until I realized I couldn't find my original BOM -- the one the mishies sold me, the one
that converted me. Then I fell apart, broke down and sobbed for a couple of hours. My
wonder new (1 year) nevermo hubby was very sweet and comforting, very supportive. He
suggested that maybe I should hold onto the clothing, pictures, statues, etc. in case I
change my mind. Bless is heart. But no way will that EVER happen. Then he suggested that
perhaps my rabid Utard TBM dyed-in-the-wool-married-in-temple children would like my
temple clothing. I'm sorry to say that originally, that was my first thought, since one
daughter doesn't have her own and has to rent each time. I snapped out of that real quick
and realized that I would only continue to perpetuate The Lie if I did that. While I can
never tell them the truth (they'll think I committed The Unforgivable Sin of Denying the
HG and will spend eternity in Outer Darkness)I certainly WILL NOT contribute to
perpetuating The Lie. Sigh... I think I'm doing rather well, considering. I'm reading,reading,reading and although I don't need any confirmation that the church is false--that's solid--it's very interesting to read about the true history of the church. I'm amazed that it has come this far on a hoax my Joe Smith. What a story teller he was! |
| Subject: | You're more than welcome . . . |
| Date: | Mar 02 01:59 |
| Author: | StealthSister |
| And I'm glad to hear you have a supportive husband to help you
through this. That, and having other ex-Mormons to talk to here, will make a world of
difference. You've come a long way in only ten days! Wow! Stealth Sister |
| Subject: | A long way too go though... |
| Date: | Mar 02 02:05 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| But yes, it does feel like I'm come a long way in such a sort time considering how totally was was into it. I mean, we're talking Primary, RS and YW's prez, stake callings, the whole nine yards but what else can I do. I'm 47 years old and I've given the Morg too many years of my life. They won't get another second out of me and I'm going to enjoy my newly discovered freedom, peace and joy. They can all go screw themselves. But I'm not bitter. NOT! Hahahaha!!! Your words of encouragement and support mean so much to me. Thank you. |
| Subject: | Please quit calling yourself an idiot. You're not. |
| Date: | Mar 02 02:01 |
| Author: | Meow |
| You've just proved it by leaving the church. Congratulations! |
| Subject: | Thanks Meow, I'm... |
| Date: | Mar 02 02:07 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| I'm working on pulling myself out of the 'idiot mode'. It's not easy after believing all this crap so completely for so many years, but I'll get there. Thanks for your words of encouragement! |
| Subject: | How are you going to keep it from your TBM children ? |
| Date: | Mar 02 03:44 |
| Author: | Primrose |
| and I may have missed it but what happened to your first husband, if you are now married now to a no-mo. |
| Subject: | NoMo Hubby Wonderful, Primrose |
| Date: | Mar 02 04:00 |
| Author: | Wobbie |
| Hi Primrose, In a nutshell--I simply don't plan on telling them anything. They think I'm just merely inactive rather than 'permanent-outer=darkness-denying-testimony-Momma! I was married for 27 years to my ex. I converted in 1976, he 'converted' because I did. I brought up my 4 children in the Morg--did a WONDERFUL job cuz they are all rabid TBM's. Realized there was no way I could stay with husband #1. Went through a really ugly, messy divorce-MIRACULOUSLY met and fell in love with my current husband, found out the Morg was a crock of you-know-what and now I'm living happily-ever-after except for the knowledge that my sweet children are permanently caught in the Morg, thanks to me. Jeez... I sooooo suck! |
| Subject: | Oh Wobbie! |
| Date: | Mar 02 08:13 |
| Author: | Gracie |
| Take your time and don't expect too much out of yourself! It's been
years for me, and I am just starting to feel like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. I find it is good to wallow in each stage of the grief, and you won't necessarily go through them in order. If you feel a need to cry, then let it all hang out! Weep and weep and don't try to get a hold of yourself. If you feel a surge of anger, write it down, punch a pillow, go work out. Experiencing it fully will help you move on. It may take a while, even under the best of circumstances. |
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