| Subject: | Funniest testimonies ever |
| Date: | Jan 06 12:56 |
| Author: | John |
| Yesterday was fast and testimony meeting. What are some of your funniest testimony stories? Once there was a guy in my ward that went up to the podium and just stood there for about 2 minutes. Then he started crying uncontrollably for about the next 10 minnutes. It was pretty uncomfortable for the rest of us. We also had a family with 10 kids. The mother would get up every Fast and Testimony meeting and berate her children. I always felt bad for them because they were good kids, just rebellious, but if I had that lady for my mother, I would rebel too. |
| Subject: | my favorite was a rich lady who said... |
| Date: | Jan 06 13:14 |
| Author: | danboyle |
| I am learning a lot about humility as we are moving from our 7500 sq foot house to only a 3500 sq foot house (kids all gone)". she went on and on about this learning experience and having to get rid of all the furniture, temporal belongings, etc etc. I guess she didn't learn much, less than one year later, they built another, bigger house (10K feet I heard) for the two of them to live in. |
| Subject: | My Favorite: "I'd like to bear my testimony that I know my roomates are true." BYU Coed n/t |
| Subject: | Re: Funniest testimonies ever |
| Date: | Jan 06 13:25 |
| Author: | Søvnløsener - Insomniac |
| Sister Prior in my parents' ward proclaiming her ability to receive
revelation for the ward because she was chosen by the lord to be the lord's handmaiden for
the 27th ward. Then explaining that the word Damned mean to be stopped. Brother Prior in my parents' ward proclaiming his thankfulness for perscrition drugs. Anyone ending their testimony: inthenameofthysonjesuschristamen. |
| Subject: | Re: Funniest testimonies ever |
| Date: | Jan 07 03:37 |
| Author: | exmo |
| Several weird ones in the wards I grew up in. There'd always be one "hellfire/damnation" guy, several sweet (female) RS sisters, and a variety of odds and ends. I look back on it and think it would be so very rejuvenating to go and listen now and have a helluva laugh during the meeting |
| Subject: | "Every young man needs a ho!" |
| Date: | Jan 07 11:37 |
| Author: | bellaluna |
| One of our Bishop's counsellors was announcing that there were old
garden tools in the meetinghouse shed that were free for the taking. He was suggesting
that some of us take them home and get our youth doing "garden service projects"
for the widows and single mothers. "For example," he said "Every young man should have a ho(e). They come in very handy and are most useful. We have several for free. Just come and get them!" I kid you not. It was hysterical! |
| Subject: | "You ought to be ashamed!" |
| Date: | Jan 06 13:30 |
| Author: | Makurosu |
| There was a lady who completely told off a ward that I was attending
one testimony meeting. She talked about how un-Christian everyone was to poor people, how
hypocritical people were, concerned with appearances only. She talked about how wealthy
people in the ward would push for expensive youth activities that the poor kids couldn't
afford. She talked about how rich women had turned down visiting teaching callings to poor
women. Nobody helped them when service projects were planned. etc. etc. etc. She went on and on for a good 10 minutes, ranting and raving and pounding the pulpit. She was practically screaming. She kept saying "You ought to be ashamed!" It was great. :-) |
| Subject: | Husband is Superman |
| Date: | Jan 06 14:34 |
| Author: | estebanito |
| I've recently told this, but in my last F&T mtg a woman got up
and said that her Priesthood holder of a studly husband was so powerful with the
priesthood that it was like having Superman in her home. I bet that guy got some decent
Mormon sex. My sister one time told all in her testimony that when she first hugged her husband to be, she was filled with the Holy Ghost. I guess my parents never told her that horomones can REALLY feel strong, just like the HG?! Can you imagine not being emabarrassed to say that? |
| Subject: | This pimply faced kid got up on the pulpit and proceeded to |
| Date: | Jan 06 15:10 |
| Author: | MoNoMo |
| share is testimony when all of a sudden the congregation was blessed
with a surround sound fart. The kid blushed as he probably thought it was only going to be
a one cheek sneak but the outcome was rather boisterous. He got the giggles, his buddies got the giggles and then I got the giggles. I had to leave the building as my lower extremities were also suffering from the same symptoms. I shouldn't have had that third bowl of chili before church. |
| Subject: | middle-aged bloke cried and cried 'cause dad not there for bub's blessingNT |
| Subject: | Re: Funniest testimonies ever |
| Date: | Jan 06 15:16 |
| Author: | Tricia |
| One meeting a young married woman got up and started saying how thankful she was for different things - all was fine until she got to "I'm thankful for my hands so I can touch my husband all over" and then she went on for 10 minutes about how she touches him and how grateful she is that she can feel him! Everyone is looking the Bishopric amd making gestures to shut her up but they were too chicken and let her keep talking. |
| Subject: | A few I've heard |
| Date: | Jan 06 15:23 |
| Author: | Observer |
| Years ago, a very righeous couple in my ward would get up regularly
and let the rest of us know what great sinners we were. Things like the young women
wearing dresses above the knees, kids dancing in their stocking feet at church approved
dances etc. Yesterday, a lady in our ward shared two experiences she had heard at testimony meetings in a singles ward. One guy got up and said the best way to share a testimony is through music. He then proceded to sing a music solo at the pulpit for his testimony. Another man bore his testimony that he could feel the spirit just as strong on the golf course as he could in church. He then walked out of the chappel and left the building. I also heard from a reliable friend that worked for one of those church book and tape companies. They send their sales forces out during the summer to sale their uplifting masterial to unsuspecting members. Prior to sending the crews out, they have a training conference to teach sales tecnique etc. One girl got up at a testimony meeting at the end of the conference and said she knew this was the true company. |
| Subject: | My Favorites |
| Date: | Jan 06 15:39 |
| Author: | Smith kennedy |
| My dad (Who was a bishop at the time) got up on the pulpit and
started taslking about how awesome it was to be sealed to his family in the temple and how
the thought of not being with his family in heaven "Scared the Shit out of
Him" Everyone was shocked then there was a lady who was anti but her husband was TBM, and she got up and did a 45 minute testimony about how much of a whore monger and liar Brother Joseph Was, and then proceeded to rip pages out of the Book of Mormon she Did not Agree with -Smitty |
| Subject: | Jeezus! What the hell ward were you in! |
| Date: | Jan 06 20:37 |
| Author: | Baz |
| That's hilarious...what a ward that must have been! ~b |
| Subject: | Sticky divorce |
| Date: | Jan 06 18:56 |
| Author: | Anne |
| I remember one incident in my parent's ward when I was little. An
odd couple with children was in the middle of a divorce. So the husband, who was a bald,
pink faced, glasses-wearing type, got up one F&T meeting and quietly asked the ward to
fast in order to save his marriage. He stoicly droned on for the next 30 minutes about how
he met his wife, how they shared their first kiss across the alter on their wedding day (I
kid you not!) etc. After the meeting, the couple made quite the scene shouting at each other in the parking lot. Months later after the divorce was final, he returned to the pulpit and yelled at the ward for not fasting enough. Here's the best part, my mom leaned over during his tirade and asked my older brother to take me out into the foyer with an embarrassed, "Um ...why don't you go out for a drink of water or something, take Anne with you." |
| Subject: | Three of my favorites..... |
| Date: | Jan 06 19:33 |
| Author: | Satan's little helper |
| OKay so my all time favorite has to be the time a poor old sister
died during a meeting. She just "gave up the ghost". A friend of mine was
sitting next to her and realized that she had passed away at some point and he just sat
there propping the ole gal up. When it was time to exit the chapel he just sat there kinda
smiling and acting like everything was okay until everybody was out of the room, called
the bishop over and told him to call an ambulance. Now THAT is a boring meeting. My next favorite was a bishop who had been an old time farmer. If you never had one you really missed out. One F&T meeting he was reading the names of the folks who had moved in and getting every body to accept them into the ward "by making the usual sign"...when he looks up and says "Okay so now that you accepted them into the ward, whose inviting them over for dinner tonight" and then stared at the congregation until somebody did in invite them. BUT it is hard to forget ole Brother Barney, long since dead and pretty crazy for most of his life. He was the guy that every bishop cringed to see walking up to the rostrum. One day the poor ole wacko gets up and tells us all he has been given a very special gift from gawd. He has been "blessed with the ability to speak in the voice of Spencer W. Kimball"....then Brooooooooothers and Sisssssssters in that unique post surgical kimbal voice....I thought we were all gonna piss our pants. |
| Subject: | Brother Barney |
| Date: | Jan 06 21:10 |
| Author: | Lisa |
| I wonder if your Brother Barney is the same one we knew the year we lived in Provo in 1984-85? He was the funniest old guy I'd ever heard. The ward was boring as mud. He'd say the US was destined to win WWII because some big event happened the same day as priesthood restoration or JS birthday or some such nonsense. He'd wander on and on about weird things and we'd laugh the whole way home. We lived 159 E 300 S and I can't remember which ward we attended. We moved away and never came back. |
| Subject: | Provo 1st Ward |
| Date: | Jan 07 01:50 |
| Author: | Satan's little helper |
| You GOT IT....You lived in the Provo 1st Ward....and I was your neighbor. You also lived down the street from the parents of the LeBaron Brothers....I believe the brothers are now in the Utah State Prison....little problem with a revelation about killing their sister in law. |
| Subject: | Would that be the Lafferty Brothers? |
| Date: | Jan 07 03:04 |
| Author: | Kim |
| I don't know about the LeBaron brothers being in prison anymore....I know Ervil is dead. |
| Subject: | Strip clubs and the Spirit |
| Date: | Jan 06 19:51 |
| Author: | Fly |
| I was living in Virginia. It was Stake High Priest Sunday, you know,
the day when you get so bored you'd fake your own death if it would get you out of the
meeting any quicker. So Brother Whatever is telling us how the Spirit will guide us in our lives if we're in tune. ZZZZzzzzz.... "I was in Atlanta on a business trip. After the meetings were over, we all got in the company car to go out for dinner. It was suggested that we all go to a strip club first." Blink, blink. Waking up. Paying attention. We're talking about strip clubs in sacrament meeting? What church am I in? "So off we drove to the club. As we pulled into the parking lot, I got a really BAD feeling. I felt the Spirit telling me not to go to that club. I asked the driver to stop the car, and I got out and walked to a nearby restauraunt. And it was a good thing, too! That very night, the strip club was busted by the police. I was so thankful I listened to the Spirit and avoided a sticky situation, this Church is true, in the name of...." My husband and I sat in the congregation, jaws on the floor. So, the Spirit led him away from the strip club because it was about to be raided by the local police? And not because it was filled with half-naked women? And he wouldn't have known he shouldn't have gone unless the "Spirit" had barked at him? He was definitely depriving some village of an idiot. I think he was released shortly after that "testimony." |
| Subject: | A sticky situation? Now that's disgusting! (n/t) |
| Subject: | FOTFLMAO! |
| Date: | Jan 06 22:47 |
| Author: | Gail |
| Ladies and Gentlemen: We have a winner! Oh my Gawd! We had the
resident psycho fests in my wards (lots of "These are the last days" and other
such crap), A titty bar or a Gay Bar would have broken the monotony. :-P Gail Still laughing! |
| Subject: | Re: Funniest testimonies ever |
| Date: | Jan 06 20:03 |
| Author: | Scott Jensen |
| Back in Minnesota (yah sure...looks like snow) This chronically unemployed guy would go up to the pulpit with tears in his eyes and say, "Brothers and sisters, Yes, I lost my job again last week so Vera had to take a second job just to pay our tithing." Then he would reach into his pocket and pull out a sealed tithing envelope and turn to the bishop with, "And bishop, here it is!!!" Another time the same guy started out his testimony by asking the brethren in the congregation if they noticed that his daughter was "becoming a young woman and filling out quite nicely". He then proceeded to make her come to the pulpit and then bore his testimony about the BOM, giving her one, and making her promise publicly to abide by it. Best always, s! |
| Subject: | Super fast Metabolism-mony |
| Date: | Jan 06 20:13 |
| Author: | reswobslc |
| I attended church the other Sunday for fast and testimony meeting and one fine lady in her thirties of about 5'8", 120 lbs got up and bore her testimony of fasting. She explained that normally she eats and eats and eats like a pig because her metabolism is so fast, and so the intense hunger she feels from fasting (presumably more so than anyone else) is incredible and the Lord's way of helping her feel the spirit. She mentioned nothing of JSmith or the church. Just how her (obviously size zero something) body misses being gorged with food on fast sunday. |
| Subject: | So, she'd be 8 stone? |
| Date: | Jan 06 22:01 |
| Author: | Matt |
| Sounds a bit thin, to me. |
| Subject: | yes, the chick was pretty thin. made the rest of the women jealous. Sorry if I didn't make that clear n/t |
| Subject: | Re: Funniest testimonies ever |
| Date: | Jan 06 20:16 |
| Author: | Mr. Happy |
| One time some gal got up who wasn't familiar to many in the
congregation. She seemed a little warped from the beginning, and soon into her testimony
started in on some story about how she was raped. She started going onto detail until the
Bishop got up, put his arm around her, told her how much he appreciated her spirit and
that they would talk afterward in the Bishop's office. Never saw the gal before or after. Also, have you ever noticed that the one's who bare their testimony most often and are filled with the "spirit and truthfulness" of the gospel are ususally on some sort of church assistance? Maybe eating food from the Bishop's storehouse makes you want to give your testimony. |
| Subject: | 1978, Tempe, Arizona and 1990, Salt Lake City, Utah |
| Date: | Jan 06 20:23 |
| Author: | EnochIpsen |
| 1978 Tempe, Arizona Sister Neville was our monthly testifier. She was always first up there (one month, another of the priests was getting up and almost beat her there but then played the gentleman and let her go first). Anyway, she got up one month and said (I quote), "I was vacuuming yesterday and all of a sudden I thought, 'Tomorrow is Fast Sunday! What am I going to talk about?'" Of course, their first child was to be delivered by C-Section and she handed out birth announcements PRIOR to the event! September 1990, Salt Lake City, Utah I remember the date because I had just moved to Utah and it was probably the last time I attended as a member of a ward. It was in Eagle Gate 8th Ward which was the ward in the Avenues for the over 30 singles. Now, if you've ever seen the majority of Avenues residents and couple that with single never married mormons you can just imagine the crowd that went there! Anywho, this humongous Tongan man gets up (he must have weighed easily over 500 lbs) and bears his testimony. He explains that he is new to the ward and is there looking for a wife. He hopes that he can find one because all of the women in his last ward were lesbians! Enoch |
| Subject: | Re: 1978, Tempe, Arizona and 1990, Salt Lake City, Utah |
| Date: | Jan 06 21:47 |
| Author: | Randy J. |
| >Anywho, this humongous Tongan man gets up (he must have
weighed easily over 500 lbs) and bears his testimony. He explains that he is new to the
ward and is there looking for a wife. He hopes that he can find one because all of the
women in his last ward were lesbians! LOL. Even if they weren't lesbians, I can easily imagine all of them telling him they were. I mean, what else could they tell a 500-pound guy without hurting his feelings? |
| Subject: | "I was so nervous about coming up here, I had to go outside and have a smoke" ...Seriously, for real. nt |
| Subject: | A couple..... |
| Date: | Jan 06 22:30 |
| Author: | Mandy |
| I've related this one before. A goth kid got up in F&T and
proceeded to tell the story of his "demon" while playing with a lighter that
this "demon" gave him. I thought the bishop was gonna faint. Another was a newly returned missionary that got up and told the congregation that his mission taught him that it doesn't matter what religion you are as long as you're a good person. Ha!!!!! You should have seen the butts shifting in the seats during that one. |
| Subject: | Thanks for the Memories... |
| Date: | Jan 06 23:12 |
| Author: | Cezoram |
| This thread has me almost wanting to go back to church to a F &
T meeting for a hearty laugh. I said almost... |
| Subject: | Sunrise testimony meeting on a secluded Hawaiian beach . . . |
| Date: | Jan 06 23:17 |
| Author: | steve benson |
| Back when missionaries bound for Asia went to the Language Training
Mission in Laie, Hawaii, our group went out early one Sunday morning to the beach for
testimony meeting, just prior to shipping out for Japan. We gathered on an outcrop with the ocean as our majestic backdrop. The sun was just coming up. The waves were crashing against the rocky shore. Subtle hues of purple, orange and yellow reflected in the waves, as birds swooped low across the water's surface. Great props for a testimony meeting of a lifetime, to be sure. One of the elders (who went on to a career of playing bit parts in TV dramas, Elder Chamberlain was his name) stood up to bear his testimony. He reached down into the sand and picked up a pebble. With great effect, he said slowly and somberly, "Elders, we here are like this pebble." He then gazed at the pebble in the palm of hand for a long time, as we all waited for him to continue his profound thought. Finally, he looked up at us and said, "I can't remember what I was going to say" and sat down. Is the Church true, or what? |
| Subject: | Garmie wearing wannabe |
| Date: | Jan 07 01:00 |
| Author: | bored |
| This lady shared with the congregation the tidbit that her 10 year old son saved his white boxer briefs and tee shirt to wear on Sundays,so he could look just like dear old Dad in his garmies; though he was generally more of a colored brief kind of kid. There were assorted strangled snorts and guffaws around the chapel as the poor kid-victim slapped himself in the forehead and slid down the pew in humiliation, following a rather loud AAAHHH! |
| Subject: | This thread must be archived! |
| Date: | Jan 07 01:58 |
| Author: | Cattle Mutilator |
| This is some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. I had soda coming
out of my nose! What's the best way to save a entire thread? |
| Subject: | Funny Thread, I LOL so much I almost threw up! (NT) |
| Subject: | Ya gotta love little kids.... |
| Date: | Jan 07 02:02 |
| Author: | Satan's little helper |
| We once had a counselor in the bishopric who was quite rotund. He
had one of those guts that starts about the middle of his chest and keeps going to about
his thighs...whenever he would sit on the "stand" his pants would pull kinda
tight but there were none of the usual "bulges". It was something we had all
observed and probably a few of us had wondered about. One day , the guy gets up, starts the testimony meeting and sits back down. In the ensuing silence, one cute little kid leans over and in a voice loud enough to be heard by all asks "hey Dad.....where's his penis?" I say these things in the name of jesusjumpingchrist....amen |
| Subject: | Saw Jesus |
| Date: | Jan 07 02:44 |
| Author: | Battle-AX |
| Speaking of kids, my nephew (8yrs old) who was visiting our ward with my sister who is an extra extra TBM, got up and bore his testimony that he has seen Jesus in the hallway of his house twice. Eat your heart out BKP and the rest of the twelve. At least my nephew admits to it and doesn't put people down for asking. What is funny is that my sister who doesn't know about me and my wife's non-belief says the spirit of the Lord is always so strong in our house. This gave me hope that we are on the right path. |
| Subject: | LOL!That's so true! |
| Date: | Jan 07 03:39 |
| Author: | Adrienne |
| That reminds me of my uncle's wake before the funeral when my youngest cousin was playing with a train along the top of the pew, and singing. The next day at the funeral, he actually fell right off the pew, causing those of us who saw the whole thing to start busting up laughing. Kids will say or do the darndest things! |
| Subject: | "The RS sisters are a bunch of wankers" |
| Date: | Jan 07 02:11 |
| Author: | dant |
| This is from the bishop that counselled my wife not to come to Japan
after I told her that I was leaving the morg. He actually thought that he was making a joke, kind of like the RS are all silly or something like that. He was in the bishopric and got up the next week to apologise for his little statement. He honestly did not know what the word meant. Talk about innocent. dant |
| Subject: | Jackson Hole testimonies |
| Date: | Jan 07 02:41 |
| Author: | Satan's little helper |
| Anybody who ever said that "the church is the same wherever you
go in the world" never attended a testimony meeting in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. When I
was working there during the summers, we used to go....sometimes. It was a wild meeting. People would come in from climbing or backbacking and would wear the clothes they had been in during their excursions. The fast and testimony meetings would sometimes devolve into sharing hunting and fishing stories. BUT THE BEST was the Jackson Hole native you really hated all the folks who showed up in the summer. One time they asked him to say the closing prayer. He gave the standard mumbo-jumbo then says and "and lord we would like to thank you for all our vistors and ask that you take them home". |
| Subject: | I'm thankful for epidurals... |
| Date: | Jan 07 02:48 |
| Author: | BeautifulMind |
| One woman said in F&T meeting, "I'm thankful that because
of the sacrifice of the pioneers, we have hospitals in which to have babies. I'm thankful
for epidurals." And in another ward, there was a mentally challenged man who would stand up in F&T and mumble incomprehensibly for ten minutes at a time. Nobody wanted to tell him to sit down; the bishop even thought he might be "on to something". |
| Subject: | My Friends Sons Testimony.... |
| Date: | Jan 07 02:48 |
| Author: | HeberJ |
| When my friends kid was about six he got up in testimony meeting and said,"I know the church is true.. sometimes I say bad words like shit." Some members were mortified but most laughed their asses off. |
| Subject: | A classic |
| Date: | Jan 07 03:34 |
| Author: | bridget |
| My fav was a real live engagement proposal in a SLC singles ward. The guy who did the proposing started his testimony saying he was thankful for a very special someone, then in very flowery language went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.....about her... and then proceeded to ask that a friend of his come up to the front with the engagement ring he wished to place on her finger. He got away with getting the fiance to come up and receive the ring before the bishop finally tapped him on the shoulder.... by which time, at least a dozen women walked out in protest (I was among them) but when I got out into the hallway, just busted up! |
| Subject: | If, Brothers and Sisters, you would indulge me just one more . . . |
| Date: | Jan 07 02:56 |
| Author: | steve benson |
| I would indeed be ungrateful if I didn't stand before you today and
tell you one more funny testimony story. In my Richardson TX ward, growing up as a youth, Sister Brown got up to angrily defend her husband, who was bishop of the ward. She said, "My husband is a good man and I don't think it is right that so many of you make fun of him because he has a speech impediment." |
| Subject: | Here's one my TBM ex told me |
| Date: | Jan 07 03:34 |
| Author: | Adrienne |
| This unfortunately wasn't in a F&T meeting, but my ex mentioned having some "vision" where he saw stars in the form of God's hand, or at least that's what he thought it was. Now, I just wonder what he must have been smoking when he came up with that "vision", I would have loved some of that. Now that I think of it, my ex is just as coniving and perverted as Joe Smith was, especially after he told me about having other wives after death. |
| Subject: | "I tell my mother to stop turning tricks" SERIOUSLY! |
| Date: | Jan 07 09:33 |
| Author: | EnochIpsen |
| This from my roommate who went to New Zealand on his mission. A
teenage girl gets up and says that and, "but she just won't listen!" He doesn't remember if the mother was at church that day. Enoch |
| Subject: | Oldie but a goodie |
| Date: | Jan 07 10:39 |
| Author: | Observer |
| I doubt if this ever really happened, but if you believe everything
you hear, it happened in every spanish speaking mission in the world at least once. The story is as follows: The Branch President invites a new sister missionary from the U.S. to come forward and bear her testimony. Since she is relatively new, she still struggles with spanish but nonetheless is willing to come forward. When trying to express yourself in spanish, if you are unsure of how to say something, it is common to say the word in English with a typical spanish ending. More times than not, you might get lucky and be right. Anyway, the sis. missionary got up and attempted to say that she was so embarrassed and it was all the Branch President's fault. Not sure of the correct translation of embarrassed, she guessed and said, "embarasada". Well, in spanish that means pregnant. So, she really said she was so pregnant and it's all the Branch President's fault. |
| Subject: | a doc that got up and described how boring he now is... |
| Date: | Jan 07 10:46 |
| Author: | red pill |
| converted anesthesiologist brainy doc with no clue: "before i converted i was the life of the party.. drinking.. lewd jokes, etc... now my friends tell me how they liked me better when i drank..." He really thought that by being boring he was being an example that would lead people to the church. *sigh* koolaid is true: "i don't drink caffeinated drinks or sodas.. i will choose koolaid at gatherings instead.." *double-sigh* and of course my own: "and the church is true" (goddammit why did i say that.. that is not how i practiced it.. shit shit shit shit shit) |
| Subject: | More funny kid stories |
| Date: | Jan 07 11:39 |
| Author: | David |
| It wasn't testimony meeting but there was a new family who moved
into the Ward who had a 5 year old boy who was, shall we say, difficult. They also had 2
girls aged 7 and 4 who were slightly less difficult. They had to give a 'new member of the
ward talk. They sat in the front pew of congregation with their kids before their talks
rather than up front in the speakers chairs. It became obvious it was because they had to
keep their kids under control. When it came time to talk the wife went up first. While she
was speaking the Dad looked like he was wrestling alligators trying to keep the kids under
control. The kids were jumping around and yelling things like, 'Hi mom' during her talk.
After she was done, the dad went up. She had an even harder time controlling them by
herself. They must have brought colored pencils for the kids because at one point during
the dad's talk the kids started throwing the colored pencils at him. He ducked to miss a
couple pencils and then stopped his talk and said in a somewhat pissed off voice, 'Could
someone please help my wife.' A few sisters immediately jumped up and ran up to the pew to
help control the kids. After the meeting, the poor woman had to listen to a bunch of
sisters give her 'friendly advice' on how to control her kids during sacrament meeting. A few weeks later, the family is sitting near the front again wresting with their kids. About half way through the meeting there is special musical number and a rather large sister in the Ward walks up to the front to sing a solo. Just as she is about to begin, she takes a deep breath and there is complete silence when the 5 year old boy looks at his mom and asks (in a loud enough voice for everyone to hear) "Why is she so fat?" The poor sister up front looked like she was about to die as the piano started playing the intro to her song. The kid's mom was ready to kill him. |
| Subject: | "I'm so sorry, but I . . . I just like . . . . sex." |
| Date: | Jan 07 11:49 |
| Author: | Shiz |
| A pretty 38 year old mother of 6, (from 3 husbands, and one
boyfriend) got up to confess that she liked everything about the church, except chastity.
She went on for about 5 minutes telling about her own earthy, sensual nature and how the
church teachings on sex were so restrictive, and that aside from that, she could live
everything else. As an aside comment, she muttered near the end, "It is just that I
like sex so much. I could never give up that great blessing from God." Jaws dropped. By the time she finished - and she was VERY attractive - half the men in the congregation were breathing a little harder! (longish) Postscript: my wife was her VT for quite a while, and one time I dropped off some baby clothes for her, and she actually hinted whether I was willing to stay for a bit. (Not likely, trust me) A little while later she moved away and no one was really sure where. Anyways, a few years ago, business relocated me to a new area, and would ya believe it, but there she was in this small town (with 2 more kids) living on welfare. We bumped into her a fair bit over the fist several months, we would often stop and chat a bit. Later, my wife and I met her on the beach one summer and we had a pleasent social conversation. (She looked more like 20 than as a mother of 6) As always, her conversation drifted towards the subject of men, including the whistful statement that the father of one of her kids may not be whom she said it was. The two of us were floored, but remained little skepical. Without warning, she began to blurt out the names of several church members with whom she had had sexual relations, of both sexes, including some missionaries; giving details of times, dates and physical attributes. All in a most direct and matter-of-fact way. I remember the look on the face of my wife and she continued to stare ahead, but her eyes belied the sudden turmoil racing in her mind. My wife's first words were a stranggled "Oh." My first thought was "Can ya blame them, you temptress!" (I degress) She then told my wife that she had flirted with me, but I had politely passed on the opportunity. (Whew!) My wife boldly asked her how many partners she had enjoyed, and she replied that it was over 30, with more than a dozen in the church. (Being that I knew most of these people, I did not know what to say at the time) Well . . . what was there to say after that! Anyways, we giggled and rolled our eyes for months afterwards just saying her name. We continued to run into her for quite a while until she abruptly moved to marry a guy she met over the internet. In her defense, she was always up-beat and friendly, and would go to the homes of people to deliver food and she was always available to babysit, etc. It was just her frankness in talking about sex that drew so much attention. And after that F&T meeting, the glare of the other women in the congregation!! |