Mormon Testimony Meetings

Subject:	Stock phrases for LDS testimony meetings, let's hear 'em!
Date:	Jan 24 12:27
Author:	Sunny

(I saw an apology for anyone I've offended and it got me started.)

The basic Children's delivery: (All throughout the audience hears the child breathing heavily into the microphone and whispering "what?" to daddy who acts like he's not there and no one can see him!!)
1. "I'd like to bear my testimony. I know this church is true. I know ____________(insert current prophet here) is a true prophet of God. I know that Book of Mormon is true (can be used even if never read, as in case of 3-year olds whose parent's whisper to them). I love my family. I love my mom and dad. ITNOJCA (in the name of JC amen)

The spiritual story:
2. "Something happened this week (sob, pause, sob, pause) and I just felt like I need to share it with you all..." (Mostly this one will ramble on and you can say whatever, as long as you end with "that's how I know the church is true.") One example: "The other day I fell on the ice and I didn't even have a scratch. I know it is a miracle! Oh thank God!" (Whatever it was, it can be a miracle. We've all heard it.) ITNOJCA

"The spirit made me get up."
3. "I wasn't going to get up here today, but the spirit made me do it. I don't even know how I got here. I don't even know what I am going to say. But I think someone needs to hear it." (Even as a child I thought, "then why are you up there?" or "if you don't know what you are going to say, this will suck and be boring!")ITNOJCA

the apology:
4. "I want to apologize to everyone..." (This is mostly for guilt laden sisters who have not done a damn thing wrong, but feel they need to apologize just in case.) ITNOJCA

Add yours here, I'd love to hear it!!

Subject:	"I love each and every one of you" ....
Date:	Jan 24 12:37
Author:	anon
Mail Address:

... but REALLY thinking "I'm just making an appearance to look good in front of the ward leadership. As soon as this meeting is over, I will go back to ignoring, gossiping about and privately putting most of you down again."

Subject:	Oooh! You stole mine!
Date:	Jan 24 14:57
Author:	Breeze
Mail Address:

My take on it:
"I love each and every one of you..." [thinking inside]" ...except for you bastards over there."

It's a quaint phrase and easy to pull off with sincerity if you're already heavily compartmentalized. You're believing your lies and believing your lies and not listening to your thoughts even when gossiping and backstabbing those bastards over there. I never said this one and always wondered about people that did. Not claiming complete innocence on stock testimony phrases, though. I could spout them out with the best of them and always felt a stronger nudge to get up and make the converts look good.

Subject:	"Good morning brothers and sisters..."
Date:	Jan 24 12:47
Author:	Matthew
Mail Address:

I would like to bear my testimony that I think this religion is a load of crap. I think your testimonies suck and I feel dumber for even listening to them, thank you Jesus. I know my Bishop is a psychotic deranged twisted individual with a even more twisted concept of concern and care who would offer his daughter in return for my compliance to the Morg. If Joseph Smith were alive today I would kick him right in the testicles. I say this in the name of all the other exmormons out there. A-freaking-men.

Subject:	I wasn't going to get up here today
Date:	Jan 24 12:48
Author:	Tired
Mail Address:

We've got a lady who says that every single fast and testimony meeting.

Don't forget the line, "I am so grateful for our Bishop and all of the wonderful things he does for our Ward."

Subject:	here are a few...
Date:	Jan 24 12:50
Author:	daily
Mail Address:

I would be truly remiss if I didn't stand up today and...

I hate to see the time going to waste...

Heavenly Father sent me this trial so that I could become stronger...

Our leaders are truly inspired...

I know that I am not given any more than I can bear....

Subject:	"I would be truly remiss..." - that one is my favorite! :-) n/t
Date:	Jan 24 14:43
Author:	Makurosu

Subject:	Brothers and Sisters, the only way I could possibly fit in with the rest of you
Date:	Jan 24 12:54
Author:	Matthew
Mail Address:

would be if I got a full frontal lobotomy and changed my last name to "Stupid".

Subject:	Once while attending BYU as a non-Mormon...
Date:	Jan 24 13:05
Author:	beaglie
Mail Address:

One of the girl in our branch stood up to give her teary testimony . She went on for a little while and then as she began to close (and just when I thought I would die of bordom) she actually said "I don't know this church is true " and then hastily added "but I'm trying."

I looked around to see if anyone else had heard it but no one seemed to blink. I was in shock. I always wondered how these people who I knew closely could actually get up and say they "knew" the church was true . It was just like in the story when someone shouted "but he has no clothes on." I realized that testimony was all a mass self-hypnosis session...or something like that.!1

beaglie

Subject:	Too funny. I explained the basic tenets of the faith to
Date:	Jan 24 14:40
Author:	exmo
Mail Address:

a friend whose simple response was: "They must be stupid people." Wow -- I could never have put it so bluntly, as I was raised to always be sweet and mushy and kind.....(how yucky).

Subject:	Testimony clichés
Date:	Jan 24 13:31
Author:	PRAVDA
Mail Address:

"I didn't want to come up here"

"Each and everyone of you has made a difference in my life"

"Our Bishop is an ispired man"

"We would like to thank the aaronic priesthood for the reverence with which they have administered the sacrament"

"I would like to thank my heavenly father"

"I know that President ------- is our prophet today"

"I enjoy my association with the sisters of the relief society"

"I love the scriptures, even though I don't read them as much as I should"

"I say these things in the name of THY son Jesus Christ" (talking to congregation)

Subject:	#9 is my favorite!!! and demonstrates complete lack of thought nt
Date:	Jan 24 19:40
Author:	backslider
Mail Address:

Subject:	PRAVDA, I would love just five minutes
Date:	Jan 25 01:35
Author:	Shaggy
Mail Address:

inside your head. What a trip that would be for me. God, you always know how to hit the nail on the head.

Subject:	I'm thankful for the Bishop and his counselors..n/t
Date:	Jan 24 13:33
Author:	CO2
Mail Address:

Subject:	Testimony meeting memories
Date:	Jan 24 13:47
Author:	Peekay
Mail Address:

This isn't about stock phrases, but the thread brought back memories of interesting testimony meetings when I was young. This was back before the consolidated meeting schedule, so on normal Sundays we'd have priesthood meeting and Sunday school in the morning, then sacrament meeting in the afternoon or evening. I always looked forward to fast Sundays, because testimony meeting was immediately after Sunday school, and we wouldn't have to come back later that day.

We lived in a ward with a lot of old people, and not a lot of children. Children hardly ever got up to bear testimony, at least not until they were 10 or 12 years old.

There were two old men in the ward who fancied themselves to be authorities on the Gospel(tm). One testimony meeting, one of these guys got up and preached some obscure doctrine or another. He must have taken ten minutes to do it. As soon as he sat down, the other guy jumped (well, as much as an old guy can jump) up and countered everything the other had said, giving his own interpretation. Ten minutes or so later when he sat down, the first guy stood up again and railed on the second guy for contradicting him. Then the second guy got up again and railed on the first guy. On and on. They took up the whole meeting, and the bishop didn't dare try to stop it.

We had a hypocondriac in the ward who was always good for entertainment value during testimony meetings. Many times she'd get up and go on and on about her latest ailment. One time she described in detail her recent surgery for breast cancer (even though she hadn't really had surgery).

Our ward had installed wireless microphones so the deacons could bring the microphones to the congretation instead of making them go up to the pulpit. Those early wireless microphones weren't very reliable, and on more than one occasion the receiver locked onto the local radio station, much to the amusement (and probably relief) of everyone.

And finally, we had an old electric organ in that chapel. It was so old it had vacuum tubes. It developed an interesting quirk that took several months to correct -- It would randomly emit loud, piercing screeches if the power was left on very long. This didn't just affect testimony meetings, but it was always funny when it happened during a solemn moment or during a hymn.

Subject:	sniff, sniff....I'd be very ungrateful if I didn't.....
Date:	Jan 24 13:48
Author:	Unregistered
Mail Address:

...stand here today and publicly thank my Heavenly Father

He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it.

I know, with every fiber of my being, beyond the shadow of a doubt, as sure as I am standing before you today....

It's so wonderful to feel of all your spirits here today....

In the name of thy son Jesus Christ amen.

Oh, and who could forget: *sniff*, *wheeze*, *blow*, *snort*, *hack*, *slurp*, *boob*, *sigh*, *unbearably long pause*, "I'm sorry, I just feel the spirit so strong today"

BARF

Subject:	"I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Thomas S. Monson is the First Counsellor"...
Date:	Jan 24 14:25
Author:	Dubious
Mail Address:

When I was in the MTC, we actually did this once...

"And I know that Prexident X is the true branch president of this branch, and that Elder Schreckengross is indeed his chosen first counsellor..."

"I have a personal testimony that the Spanish Book of Mormon was brought forth by the hand of the Church Translation department..."

"I know that My companion, Elder X, lives and guides this companionship here on earth today..."

This pissed off about half of the missionaries, but the other half were dying laughing.

Another elder got up and said, "I just want you all to know that my mission was the best 2 weeks of my life... we thought he was getting sent home, but he was just trying to be funny."

Subject:	I would be completely ungrateful...
Date:	Jan 24 14:51
Author:	mari
Mail Address:

....if I didn't stand before you today and take a few minutes [actually, several minutes] to tell you about my love for the Saviour, my love for each of you, my love for my family [whom I never have time for -- I really feel guilty at spending so much time on Church that I don't have time for my family] and of course, the Prophet. Where would we be without him [enjoying our weekends]? The restoration of the Gospel gives us hope and I don't know where I'd be without it today [probably a lot more relaxed, less fried from alwyas being told I'm so 'imperfect'].

[Then, a big long story about a child, son or daughter, showing how he/she did soemthing cute and inspired] and so we can see that even little children have the Spirit. I'm sure [Rebeccah/Nephi -- kid's name] was sent to me to show me the way and teach me to follow the Spirit."

[Often, tears come especially for family members who get up and say they love their family, it being one of the first of few times they have ever said anything affectionate to their family.] - this was a beef of mine, people should their parent/child/spouse they love them in private, not broadcast it to the rest of the congregation.

Subject:	Scary.
Date:	Jan 24 14:47
Author:	girl in the box
Mail Address:

I have done 1 (as a child), 3, and 4 (as a guilt-laden teen). Ugh! But hey, it was an opportunity to have emotions when normally I was not allowed to! Nobody criticizes you for crying at the pulpit; in fact, it often gets you support and approval and if you desperately need those, then you go up to the pulpit often...boy, I was a miserable little creature then.

Subject:	At BYU Branch: "I'd like to bear my testimony that I know my roommates are true!!" - a BYU coed, circa 1976 n/t
Date:	Jan 24 14:59
Author:	Ex Mormon Ron
Mail Address:

Subject:	Here's one from a BYU married student ward....
Date:	Jan 24 18:29
Author:	tri-girl
Mail Address:

always after the multiple infant blessings the new mommies and daddies would stand up and say they knew the church was true because the Lord sent them such sweet and beautiful babies.

Subject:	Re: Here's one from a BYU married student ward....
Date:	Jan 24 19:46
Author:	lynn
Mail Address:

Yeah, that reminds me of a recent letter received from my TBM niece (who's dad is stake pres) that she knows the church is true - because all she talked about were the YA activities and the cute guys!

Subject:	These are all SO TRUE and ON THE MARK, however,.....
Date:	Jan 25 01:14
Author:	makesmyheadspin
Mail Address:

..was I the only one who was too embarrassed to ever bring an investigator to church during a F and T meeting Sunday? Other's would say it was great because it showed such faith, I, on the other hand thought it would really scare off an investigator.

I was on my way out the door to leave early one Sunday during FandT meeting, the Bishop got up and announced that I would be giving my testimony next just as I was going out the chapel doors. He was a nice guy and I know he meant well and wanted me to stay and not leave with my family, but I don't think he knew we had to go pick someone up at the airport was all. I didn't mind, but I looked at my husband and kind of rolled my eyes, but not from being mad about it, just from feeling inconvenienced because we had to go! Anyone else ever get CALLED to give their testimony?

I got up there and didn't know what LONG MEANINGFUL PROVOKING things to say after what all the other butt kissers and liars got up and said for brownie points, so, I just got up and said the obvious first three lines and that I loved my husband and that I had to go now, ITNJCA. Then we left and faster because we were in a hurry. I can't imagine what they were actually thinking as we just about were running out the door.

Subject:	I'm so grateful to have the power of the priesthood in my home!
Date:	Jan 25 01:29
Author:	Fly
Mail Address:

Another one I hated: "I know we're out of time, but I just have to share this one quick story with you..." And then the story goes ON and ON for another 10 minutes.

Subject:	Re: Stock phrases for LDS testimony meetings, let's hear 'em!
Date:	Jan 25 08:21
Author:	garcon
Mail Address:

There was a young woman in the ward where I grew up who would always go on and on about how much she loved Donny Osmond, and how the Osmond records were doing in the charts. Of course she did this with a picture of Donny in her hand--rarely saw her without it. It's a wonder I lasted as long as I did.

Subject:	How about one for all mo meetings?
Date:	Jan 26 01:05
Author:	SLCJim
Mail Address:

"I'd like to welcome you all out to _______ today..."

I was always thinking, "well then, if you'd like to welcome us so bad, then why the hell don't you? And why are you welcoming us *out*? Shouldn't you welcome us *in*?"