What my Mormon mom sent after a fight on Mormonism

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  • user warning: Table './exmo_08072012/cache_filter' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: UPDATE cache_filter SET data = '<p>byuiapostate May 2012</p>\n<p>So this is what my Mom sent me in a text after we got into a fight over the phone.</p>\n<p>\"You are making a huge huge mistake!!! I wish you would trust heavenly father more than 18 year old genius strangers. (I\'m not sure who she is referring to) You have been treated fairly! And not been asked to to participate in anything that has made you worse off. I can promise you it will be far harder alone than with the loving support of friends and family and the savior who only want to help...</p>\n<p>Alone is a very long road! You will come to know that...and that is where my deep pain will come from watching you walk alone without the help of heavenly father! I will be powerless to give you the direction and support that the gift of the holy ghost can give...I shudder to think what my life would have been without it! I\'m grateful and humbled for all the love I feel from our heavenly father. I suppose you will have to live without it to know what the difference is!! Not something i want to watch happen.very, very hard to watch!I\'m sorry that you feel this choice is more desirable, it\'s definitely going to be a journey that I would not wish for myself or anyone I love!</p>\n<p>I guess I can\'t go to my family for support if I need it because they are \"powerless\" to help me...what kind of a parent says that to their kid? I hate being in a mormon family!</p>\n<hr />\nsmoteheadofshiz<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nMan, this is why I\'m scared to tell my own family.\n<hr />\nspanner<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nLiving well is the best answer.\n<p>My TBM mother disowned me and the next two who left. My Dad put a stop to the shunning when #4 left.</p>\n<p>The kids are mostly alright, except for having been warped by the morg, and basically raised as a litter of ten, not a family.</p>\n<p>But the mother who predicted the doom and gloom is a bitter bitter woman, who sees her kids having real lives, and from the things she says, it seems she knows it was all a scam, but if she admits it, she has to admit how many people she has hurt.</p>\n<p>That is where TSCC is like an MLM scam. Every member a missionary means that admitting it is a scam means that you have to accept your part in the lie.</p>\n<hr />\nBI<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nMine. That letter could have come out of the shoebox-full that I have. i know what it feels like and I\'m sorry.\n<hr />\n<p>punkkid<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nthat sounds about exactly how my mum sounded when i told her i thought the church was wrong for me.</p>\n<hr />\nwonderer<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nWhere the parents start out when they find out is not where they end up in my experience and observation. Sometimes they have to talk it through, feel it through and watch the experience. They have often been trained to view it a certain way as have most people since they have the official church view on such things.\n<p>One has to let all the crap come a flying for the most part and find good support. It can certainly be painful to navigate and emotional for all involved. When you break form with the herd or flock or whatever, then they start squawking and do what they can to get you back.</p>\n<p>People often have to scream and wail and gnash their teeth before they start to consider a more middle ground or consider that they may be wrong about some things. Life is definitely easier when you follow the main herd, whatever the herd may be doing depending on where you live.</p>\n<hr />\nFetal Deity<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nFor many Mormons, it can be very difficult to act like a normal human being. Outside of the prescribed framework of their religion, they believe nothing has meaning or relevance. Your mother is revealing the fact that Mormonism has left her emotionally unavailable to operate apart from Mormon cult-think.\n<p>My family is largely the same way. They have one solution for all of life\'s problems: \"Live the Gospel and you\'ll be happy!\" This is the real tragedy of Mormonism--it often leaves part-believing families hopelessly fragmented ... which is the ultimate irony, since the church claims that it\'s \"Family First\" and \"Families are Forever.\"</p>\n<p>All I can suggest is that you try to treat your family in as normal a way as you can. Show them by example that you are still you, and that you still love them and want to be a meaningful part of their lives. They may come around--if not in seeing the light regarding Mormonism--at least in being able to give you some emotional support in times of need. However, for some families, such leaps are not possible and you may need to find alternatives elsewhere. RfM is a great place to find on-line support, psychological assurance and to otherwise emotionally vent in times of stress. Also, many posts on this site are about meetings in different areas where ex-Mormons can get together in person. Good luck!</p>\n<hr />\nbookratt<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nCan you respond to some of her specific rants and \"promises\" in a respectfull, rational way?\n<p>Why not write back and counter each of her points?</p>\n<p>Write that you are surprised and shocked that she promises you will find it hard, and that you will be alone. Ask her, why will you be alone? Where will she, the mother who loves you, be? Is she planning on disappearing from your life or turning her nack on you---shunning you---because you say you believe something that she does not? Is she not planning on being there to support her child, as any other mother would?</p>\n<p>Etc, down the line of her rants and promises.</p>\n<p>Throw that Mormon 11th article of Faith in there, too, for good measure, in quotes, either at the end or beginnning of the letter you send to her.</p>\n<p>Then wait and see what happens.</p>\n<hr />\nbookratt<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nCan you respond to some of her specific rants and \"promises\" in a respectfull, rational way?\n<p>Why not write back and counter each of her points?</p>\n<p>Write that you are surprised and shocked that she promises you will find it hard, and that you will be alone. Ask her, why will you be alone? Where will she, the mother who loves you, be? Is she planning on disappearing from your life or turning her back on you---shunning you---because you say you believe something that she does not? Is she not planning on being there to support her child, as any other mother would?</p>\n<p>Etc, down the line of her rants and promises.</p>\n<p>Throw that Mormon 11th article of Faith in there, too, for good measure, in quotes, either at the end or beginnning of the letter you send to her.</p>\n<p>Then wait and see what happens.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>byuiapostate<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nI think you hit the nail on the head. That\'s exactly how it is. In her eyes the church is all there is. And I can\'t connect with her on any deep level anymore because of it.</p>\n<p>When we were fighting earlier she went on this emotional tirade about the church being all about love and helping people and how I was being an ungrateful brat for \"turning my back\" on the church and on Jesus and God.</p>\n<p>She actually told me that I\'d be alienated by our family for leaving the church too. I didn\'t think my family would be the ones who would shun me for leaving but I guess now that I think about it it really will happen.</p>\n<p>i sent her some flowers for Mother\'s Day...hopefully she\'ll come around one day.</p>\n<hr />\nbyuiapostate<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nI was actually planning on doing just that. I\'m going to take my time and make it as diplomatic and rational as possible.\n<p>She isn\'t going to shun me in the full meaning of the word...but she did say that she won\'t be able to help me when I\'m struggling so, in some sense, I am being shunned.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>Cheryl<br />\nA mormon threatening **shunning** by saying you\'re choosing to go it alone.<br />\nIn normal social and family circles adults can change their religion without incurring threats, withrawal of love, and all out shunning.</p>\n<p>Your mom is the one who is messed up, not you.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>CateS<br />\nThrow your shoebox of negativity away...<br />\nWhat is the point of keeping that crap?</p>\n<hr />\n3X<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nI recently found a quote somewhere on the Net:\n<p>\"Mormonism {so they think} answers everything\"</p>\n<p>but mormonism obviously can\'t answer why a member would leave, since there is no valid reason (none, zip, nada) for leaving The One True Church.</p>\n<p>They are left with only faith-affirming rationalizations: the \'apostate\' member is under the influence of the Adversary, or is bitter/offended, or couldn\'t hack the difficult path of righteousness.</p>\n<p>Such is the infantile mindset that mormonism _must_ induce in the membership, lest they be forced to confront mormonism\'s dubious nature.</p>\n<hr />\nCateS<br />\nHere\'s a little story that may make you realize it doesn\'t have to be that way.<br />\nMy mother was a convert--to Catholicism.\n<p>And as many of you know there is not bigger zealot than a convert.</p>\n<p>My mother went hog wild. Mass every Sunday--and every holy day of obligation. CCD or Catholic school for all (depending on where we lived and what was available.) We were all forced (yes, FORCED) to have first communion, confession and confirmation and attend all the prepratory crap that went along with each.</p>\n<p>In her older years, my mother turned into one of those Catholic religious nuts--going to mass every day and saying the rosary daily.</p>\n<p>All of her 5 children were atheists or agnostics (only bc they didn\'t care enough to think long enough to realize they didn\'t believe.)</p>\n<p>My one sister did get married in the Catholic Church and raised her two boys enough in Catholicism that they received their first confession and communions--even though they were not regular attenders. You know the drill. Wanted some stability and a foundation for the kids. I knew she didn\'t believe and asked her about her disbelief once. Her response: \"Well I\'d say I\'m an atheist but I\'m too much of a hypocrite.\"</p>\n<p>So anyway, the gist is, we, none of us, believed despite my mother\'s valiant and ongoing efforts to guarantee the opposite.</p>\n<p>So, I\'m about 25 and (knowing the religious devotion I and all my siblings were lacking) I approached my mother about it and asked her if she was crushingly disappointed in the end result of all her efforts.</p>\n<p>Her response: \"Well, I thought I\'d offer it to you and see if you were interested. But you have to live your own life.\"</p>\n<p>I was very impressed by her cavalier and accepting attitude. But mostly I was surprised.</p>\n<hr />\nGreyfort<br />\nRe: What my mom sent after a fight we had<br />\nOh my. She\'s a master manipulator. There are threats all through there, including being cut off from the family, and yet it\'s all done with an \"I\'m so scared,\" (guilt, guilt, guilt) and, \"I love you.\"\n<p>Wow. I think that would have the opposite effect on me. I\'d be angry at having all of that guilt thrown at me and I\'d be more like, \"How dare you try that #&amp;%@ on me.\"</p>\n<p>\"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org\"</p>\n', created = 1493018546, expire = 1493104946, headers = '', serialized = 0 WHERE cid = '2:8989f10b10dc978ef8582462f85aa1b8' in /home/exmormon/public_html/d6/drupal/includes/cache.inc on line 112.

byuiapostate May 2012

So this is what my Mom sent me in a text after we got into a fight over the phone.

"You are making a huge huge mistake!!! I wish you would trust heavenly father more than 18 year old genius strangers. (I'm not sure who she is referring to) You have been treated fairly! And not been asked to to participate in anything that has made you worse off. I can promise you it will be far harder alone than with the loving support of friends and family and the savior who only want to help...

Alone is a very long road! You will come to know that...and that is where my deep pain will come from watching you walk alone without the help of heavenly father! I will be powerless to give you the direction and support that the gift of the holy ghost can give...I shudder to think what my life would have been without it! I'm grateful and humbled for all the love I feel from our heavenly father. I suppose you will have to live without it to know what the difference is!! Not something i want to watch happen.very, very hard to watch!I'm sorry that you feel this choice is more desirable, it's definitely going to be a journey that I would not wish for myself or anyone I love!

I guess I can't go to my family for support if I need it because they are "powerless" to help me...what kind of a parent says that to their kid? I hate being in a mormon family!


smoteheadofshiz
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
Man, this is why I'm scared to tell my own family.
spanner
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
Living well is the best answer.

My TBM mother disowned me and the next two who left. My Dad put a stop to the shunning when #4 left.

The kids are mostly alright, except for having been warped by the morg, and basically raised as a litter of ten, not a family.

But the mother who predicted the doom and gloom is a bitter bitter woman, who sees her kids having real lives, and from the things she says, it seems she knows it was all a scam, but if she admits it, she has to admit how many people she has hurt.

That is where TSCC is like an MLM scam. Every member a missionary means that admitting it is a scam means that you have to accept your part in the lie.


BI
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
Mine. That letter could have come out of the shoebox-full that I have. i know what it feels like and I'm sorry.

punkkid
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
that sounds about exactly how my mum sounded when i told her i thought the church was wrong for me.


wonderer
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
Where the parents start out when they find out is not where they end up in my experience and observation. Sometimes they have to talk it through, feel it through and watch the experience. They have often been trained to view it a certain way as have most people since they have the official church view on such things.

One has to let all the crap come a flying for the most part and find good support. It can certainly be painful to navigate and emotional for all involved. When you break form with the herd or flock or whatever, then they start squawking and do what they can to get you back.

People often have to scream and wail and gnash their teeth before they start to consider a more middle ground or consider that they may be wrong about some things. Life is definitely easier when you follow the main herd, whatever the herd may be doing depending on where you live.


Fetal Deity
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
For many Mormons, it can be very difficult to act like a normal human being. Outside of the prescribed framework of their religion, they believe nothing has meaning or relevance. Your mother is revealing the fact that Mormonism has left her emotionally unavailable to operate apart from Mormon cult-think.

My family is largely the same way. They have one solution for all of life's problems: "Live the Gospel and you'll be happy!" This is the real tragedy of Mormonism--it often leaves part-believing families hopelessly fragmented ... which is the ultimate irony, since the church claims that it's "Family First" and "Families are Forever."

All I can suggest is that you try to treat your family in as normal a way as you can. Show them by example that you are still you, and that you still love them and want to be a meaningful part of their lives. They may come around--if not in seeing the light regarding Mormonism--at least in being able to give you some emotional support in times of need. However, for some families, such leaps are not possible and you may need to find alternatives elsewhere. RfM is a great place to find on-line support, psychological assurance and to otherwise emotionally vent in times of stress. Also, many posts on this site are about meetings in different areas where ex-Mormons can get together in person. Good luck!


bookratt
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
Can you respond to some of her specific rants and "promises" in a respectfull, rational way?

Why not write back and counter each of her points?

Write that you are surprised and shocked that she promises you will find it hard, and that you will be alone. Ask her, why will you be alone? Where will she, the mother who loves you, be? Is she planning on disappearing from your life or turning her nack on you---shunning you---because you say you believe something that she does not? Is she not planning on being there to support her child, as any other mother would?

Etc, down the line of her rants and promises.

Throw that Mormon 11th article of Faith in there, too, for good measure, in quotes, either at the end or beginnning of the letter you send to her.

Then wait and see what happens.


bookratt
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
Can you respond to some of her specific rants and "promises" in a respectfull, rational way?

Why not write back and counter each of her points?

Write that you are surprised and shocked that she promises you will find it hard, and that you will be alone. Ask her, why will you be alone? Where will she, the mother who loves you, be? Is she planning on disappearing from your life or turning her back on you---shunning you---because you say you believe something that she does not? Is she not planning on being there to support her child, as any other mother would?

Etc, down the line of her rants and promises.

Throw that Mormon 11th article of Faith in there, too, for good measure, in quotes, either at the end or beginnning of the letter you send to her.

Then wait and see what happens.


byuiapostate
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
I think you hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how it is. In her eyes the church is all there is. And I can't connect with her on any deep level anymore because of it.

When we were fighting earlier she went on this emotional tirade about the church being all about love and helping people and how I was being an ungrateful brat for "turning my back" on the church and on Jesus and God.

She actually told me that I'd be alienated by our family for leaving the church too. I didn't think my family would be the ones who would shun me for leaving but I guess now that I think about it it really will happen.

i sent her some flowers for Mother's Day...hopefully she'll come around one day.


byuiapostate
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
I was actually planning on doing just that. I'm going to take my time and make it as diplomatic and rational as possible.

She isn't going to shun me in the full meaning of the word...but she did say that she won't be able to help me when I'm struggling so, in some sense, I am being shunned.


Cheryl
A mormon threatening **shunning** by saying you're choosing to go it alone.
In normal social and family circles adults can change their religion without incurring threats, withrawal of love, and all out shunning.

Your mom is the one who is messed up, not you.


CateS
Throw your shoebox of negativity away...
What is the point of keeping that crap?


3X
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
I recently found a quote somewhere on the Net:

"Mormonism {so they think} answers everything"

but mormonism obviously can't answer why a member would leave, since there is no valid reason (none, zip, nada) for leaving The One True Church.

They are left with only faith-affirming rationalizations: the 'apostate' member is under the influence of the Adversary, or is bitter/offended, or couldn't hack the difficult path of righteousness.

Such is the infantile mindset that mormonism _must_ induce in the membership, lest they be forced to confront mormonism's dubious nature.


CateS
Here's a little story that may make you realize it doesn't have to be that way.
My mother was a convert--to Catholicism.

And as many of you know there is not bigger zealot than a convert.

My mother went hog wild. Mass every Sunday--and every holy day of obligation. CCD or Catholic school for all (depending on where we lived and what was available.) We were all forced (yes, FORCED) to have first communion, confession and confirmation and attend all the prepratory crap that went along with each.

In her older years, my mother turned into one of those Catholic religious nuts--going to mass every day and saying the rosary daily.

All of her 5 children were atheists or agnostics (only bc they didn't care enough to think long enough to realize they didn't believe.)

My one sister did get married in the Catholic Church and raised her two boys enough in Catholicism that they received their first confession and communions--even though they were not regular attenders. You know the drill. Wanted some stability and a foundation for the kids. I knew she didn't believe and asked her about her disbelief once. Her response: "Well I'd say I'm an atheist but I'm too much of a hypocrite."

So anyway, the gist is, we, none of us, believed despite my mother's valiant and ongoing efforts to guarantee the opposite.

So, I'm about 25 and (knowing the religious devotion I and all my siblings were lacking) I approached my mother about it and asked her if she was crushingly disappointed in the end result of all her efforts.

Her response: "Well, I thought I'd offer it to you and see if you were interested. But you have to live your own life."

I was very impressed by her cavalier and accepting attitude. But mostly I was surprised.


Greyfort
Re: What my mom sent after a fight we had
Oh my. She's a master manipulator. There are threats all through there, including being cut off from the family, and yet it's all done with an "I'm so scared," (guilt, guilt, guilt) and, "I love you."

Wow. I think that would have the opposite effect on me. I'd be angry at having all of that guilt thrown at me and I'd be more like, "How dare you try that #&%@ on me."

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"