My First twitches of understanding why you are angry
roxy Oct. 2012
Ok I'm starting to get it now, I think i have been on this site maybe 4-5 months give or take, and I just didn't get a lot of the anger sometimes, (except for those being shunned etc - i got that!) but just general anger towards the church etc. Just wanted to tell you all I am starting to enter that phase and I now understand!
I thought I could continue to be a less active - show my face now n then - enough to keep various people happy and off my case, happy to attend baptisms and stuff But a slow creep of events this last week has changed it all for me.
It started of with feeling irritated at sooo many freakin' LDs comments on facebook - most of them sounding so dumb and cheesy I wanted to make smart comments - they really brushed me up the wrong way, where before I didn't care.
Then this weekend I went to an LDS funeral, for the first time ever I noticed how depressing and dingy and formal and soulless the chapels are. I can't comment on the service as it was in another language so I didn't understand.
But what ticked me of the most was my husbands uncle who is a bishop in another part of the country who i have only met once at our wedding 5 years ago, the first thing he says to me are - are you going to church? are you sealed to your kids? are you still wearing your garments? - I'm like WTF?????? I met you once before for 5 minutes 5 years ago and the next time you see me within 1 min you ask me about my underwear?!?!?!?!? I didn't answer him i went bright red and made an excuse about a crying child! Ugh I was so angry I wanted to go she-hulk on him.
No questions about my health, my work, my kids - no straight to the underwear question!
I can feel the anger towards tbms and the church slowly bubbling away and reaching the surface now.... what are the stages of grief again? I am wondering if this is that.... I really thought i'd be all neutral and pragmatic about all of this, but i am feeling resentful and angry, i thought i'd rock the semi-active thing for life - pretending to my family i'm still active (I live 12,000 miles away from them) but to be honest I don't think I can do this for much longer.
Mary B
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
Welcome to the angry phase, I've been in it for couple of months now. Still pretty intense.
Stages of grief? - From what I remember, once you get to depression you are close to the end of the process :)
Be strong, and ventilate the anger in some way. Go kicboxing or something :D
Cathy
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
Ah, welcome to the road most of us have traveled down (and are still doing so, in many cases). I keep thinking my anger is gone, but it continues to bubble up routinely - the betrayal of the church, the manipulations, the deceit, the control...I'm still pissed. You have every right to be angry - let it be what it is, grieve the loss of the church and the structure it provided, and don't try to smash it down - you'll heal faster and make progress forward if you fully feel it all and face it head on. Good luck.
Flare
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
Well, going on about two years. Reached the anger phase quickly and it hasn't left yet. Main reason I'm still on RfM.
southern should login
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
The angry feeling waxes and wanes. Incidents like what you experienced with the bishop's prying questions can rekindle the flame. It's ok to feel angry about something you know is wrong, it's very healthy.
Your she-hulk comment made me laugh, I have felt the same way :>
othersteve
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
I come back to RFM every time the entire population of Utah has a simultaneous orgasm because of the latest amazing revelation in conference. I need to know I'm not the only sane person alive.
See you again in six months.
roxy
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
Whoops that was an actual LOL - not good in the office :0)
ragingphoenix
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
The stages of grief for those who realize TSCC is false:
Anger, anger, anger, anger, acceptance.
agentpi
LOL
I think I have a long way to go...I just recently entered the second anger stage!
roxy
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
yikes i almost blew my cover at my mum who just posted on MY wall how wonderful and inspirational conference was - ugh i am so mad i actually want to cry. wow i'm messed up.
roxy
Re: LOL
lol - oh dear angry me is hard to reign in, she has a smart mouth that will leave scars.... must reign her in before i do family damage!
shannon
The Stages of Grief
Shock/Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance
Yer Welcome ;o)
axeldc
It's natural to be angry
When you find out that everything you were told is a lie, of course you get mad.
Some people think that the anger endures, spawning the Angry Anti stereotype. It dissipates over time as you move on with you life and build a new paradigm.
Greyfort
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
Oh boy. You've made the 'no boundaries' discovery. They really have none.
And yeah, that one really tends to get us a little riled up, which is why I'm questioning whether or not I should go to a TBM reunion. I don't want to run into that kind of situation. They just can't seem to help themselves. If they could, it wouldn't be a problem, but they can't seem to help it.
ragingphoenix
Re: The Stages of Grief
Yeah, but those need to be adapted for us :). See above.
Don Bagley
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
There will probably always be certain elements of Mormonism that push your buttons. I denounced Mormon beliefs at the age of twelve (and caught Hell for that). Now, at fifty five, I still feel resentment for a lost childhood.
motherwhoknows
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
I'm still angry, after all these years, but I hope I'm not an Angry Anti stereotype. The thing is, that the Mormons keep on doing more and more things to make me angry. Now, they are after my daughter and TBM husband, and their children, who are getting to be baptizing age. It was a crazy-making roller coaster for me. I would calm down, then the Mormons announced the City Creek Mall project, and I watched Salt Lake City become obliterated, like Downtown Bagdad, and I listened to their lies about the cost, and about how our tithing money would not pay for it. Then there was Proposition 8. Then I found out the Mormon leaders were bullying my children. And all along, there were more cans of worms being opened every time I logged onto RFM.
The only way I could gain self-control, was to take each problem separately, and work on them one at a time. Otherwise, all the lies got to be overwhelming. For example, I took action, whenever I could.
I learned to say "no." Just "no" with no explanation or excuses. I had to say "no" 30 times, sometimes. Each time, it made me angry.
I learned to set boundaries. One at a time, with each Mormon, with each situation. I had to set some of those 30 times, too. Having them cross my boundaries made me angry.
When they refused to release me from my callings, I said, "I prayed about it, and God says I have the right to release myself from a volunteer calling." I stopped going to church altogether, for fear they would rope me into my callings again. I was angry.
When we became inactive, the Mormons harassed me and my children in our own home, our own driveway, our own front yard--and that made me really angry. I had to make it all STOP, and the best way to do that was to formally resign, which we all did. That helped, until my daughter married herself back into Mormonism.
Sane people, like we hope we are, don't just sit in the corner and seethe with anger. We are caused to be angry by outside influences. If you can get rid of as many of those outside influences as possible, you will get rid of the anger they cause. For example, I got upset at all their phone calls, so I got rid of my land line and got a private cell phone. Some Mormons got my new number, but I have caller ID, and I just don't answer. I put a "no solicitors" sign and a peep-hole for my front door, and when Mormons approach, I shout through the door, "I don't open my door to strangers/solicitors (if I know them)." They say, "But we're from the Mormon Church!" I answer, "I don't open my door to strangers/solicitors." It still makes me angry, but less angry than if I had allowed them into my life to threaten me with failure if I don't return to the cult.
It makes me feel a whole lot better to keep them from bothering my children.
To see the Mormons get away with this rude behavior, get away with teaching lies to children, get away with using people for money and labor--that will always make me angry. What do we do about that? If we shut our eyes and overlook unjustices, we don't stop them. Yet, if we dwell on injustices, the anger just builds. So--we do whatever we can do.
nofear
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
I will always be angry about the $100K + we gave away. Otherwise, we had fairly liberal beliefs since I was not a regular church-goer so never picked up on some of the finer points of indoctrination.
Dee Lightsum
Re: The Stages of Grief
Okay so I went through all the stages and whenever I reach acceptance, something happens and I'm back to the anger phase. I've never repeated the first two stages. It's just anger to depression to acceptance that I keep cycling through.
Gullible's Travels
Okay, here is the exmo 'stages' from my own limited experience...
1. Sever cog-dis (which usually initiates the search for answers.)
2. Realization (WTF!?)
3. Elation/devastation (depends on what TSCC meant to you)
4. Anger
5. Relief (this is where you start to find all the Mormon jokes really funny)
6. Guilt/missionary (here is where you try to deconvert and/or make up for leading ppl in.)
7. Confusion (so what DO I believe in?)
8. Acceptance (I am who I am and that is good enough)
These may come in different orders or some may be experienced simultaneously.
Feel free to add your own!
Alice
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
Gullible's Travels has it about right, IMO. Number 3 for me was definitely ELATION! The elation still hits me every day, sometimes even every hour. I feel like I'm in love!
You can feel elation and anger, or love and hate, at the same time, depending on how the Mormons are treating you, depending on which newly discovered lies you are dealing with. That's why leaving is such a roller-coaster ride. I get exhausted sometimes.
Cheryl
What *I* don't "get" is why some posters presume anger & continually rail against it.
Why do the emotions of strangers on the internet infuriate casual observers?
Emotions well up spontaneously. They're not planned or necessarily expressed or played out in positive or negative actions.
Makes no sense to me that anyone should be expected to justify how they feel about a former church to total uncaring strangers.
Makurosu
I don't think "anger" is the right word.
What I felt after leaving the Church is OUTRAGE. Anger implies some inappropriate loss of control, which is not what I'm seeing from former members of this organization.
anagrammy
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
Interesting thread.
I think the New Order Mormon stage you were in is actually the Mormon Recovery form of "bargaining."
It tends to come before the anger. You take a deep breath coming out of denial and it is just too B I G to do anything. You can't even wrap your mind around the consequences of what you have discovered.
Others rush right into the living room and tell their spouse. There's no universal experience, no one-size-fits-all progression, as you can see from this board.
Those who are bargaining still can't understand why people are spouting off on the internet to strangers. Then they move into the anger stage themselves, like the OP, and now they understand.
The beauty of RfM is that you have a chance to meet the future you on this board, no matter where you are.
Namaste
Anagrammy
forbiddencokedrinker
Re: My First twitches of understanding you angry lot... ;0)
It helps if you ridicule them.
Cheryl
I think you're right, Anagrammy.
I never understood this before. Newbies must go through a bargaining stage where they congratulate themselves on seeing the good in mormonism and feel satisfation in feeling no anger.
I stayed in through the anger stange and felt none of it after leaving but I do remember that bargaining stage both before and after leaving. I made excuses for mormons and felt I had to find some kind of "good" that they do as if *their* good is more valid than my own.
Thanks for the insight.
dogzilla
Re: The Stages of Grief
Those stages aren't in order. You may skip around. You may never experience one or more of them. You may bounce back and forth from anger to depression or something else.
I think what's important is recognizing that these are stages and whatever you are feeling right now will probably pass. That helped me cope a lot, just knowing that I wouldn't be angry or depressed (or whatever) forever. "Okay this sucks, but it will go away and be replaced by something else that I'll also struggle with, but it's all part of the healing process, so..." Just go with it. Don't self-medicate or try to stifle those feelings, wherever you are in those stages. Just feel them, deeply and thoroughly, try to analyze exactly what it is that you're angry (or whatever) about, and, knowing you can't really do anything about the circumstances that caused the feelings, learn to let them go.
You know you are through all those stages and well into recovery when your trigger issues don't spark a meltdown anymore. Used to be that my trigger issues could fire up a really epic ranty rage that spilled out all over everyone around me. Now those issues still come up, but I can be more "meh" about it and move on with my day.
It takes time. And patience. Give yourself permission to take a minute for the healing process. (And by "a minute," I mean any conceivable length of time.)
anagrammy
You're welcome.
It's no surprise that the Mormon guilt switch is triggered by our hard-earned realization that the Mormon church is perpetrating a huge con.
I do believe, however, that the NOM/bargaining status buys the person some badly needed time to process the implications of what/who/how to tell. The instinct to just keep quiet may be motivated by guilt and fear of consequences to family, job, etc., but usually it cannot stand the tsunami of anger at the enormity of the calculated deception.
In my own practice to become more compassionate, I feel less judgmental and more understanding for those who choose the NOM position.
Anagrammy
Cheryl
I don't think it's more compassionate to explain *why* mormons act stupid..
Making excuses doesn't help them act less stupidly.
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"