Mormons being insulting while pretending they care

  • user warning: Table './exmo_08072012/cache_filter' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: SELECT data, created, headers, expire, serialized FROM cache_filter WHERE cid = '2:2ac81f2104439560e760f914aa14d08f' in /home/exmormon/public_html/d6/drupal/includes/cache.inc on line 27.
  • user warning: Table './exmo_08072012/cache_filter' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: UPDATE cache_filter SET data = '<p>by fidget June 2012</p>\n<p>excerpt \"When my husband and I got married, we had a civil marriage. It was beautiful, I was wearing a strapless dress that was the \"talk\" of the ward for awhile. It shouldn\'t have been, I used to wear tank tops to young women\'s. :) When my husband and I were opening our gifts, we came across a card from a neighbor and member that had watched me grow up. The card said, \"congratulations, we do wish you had chosen the right way though.\"</p>\n<p>Hi I\'m fidget, I\'m new to the board. I posted something yesterday and I\'m grateful for everyone\'s thoughts. I have been inactive officially for about five years, I was mentally inactive earlier than that, but my parents forced me to attend church. I was inactive because there were many things that didn\'t sit right with me from a young age. I was always the one getting in trouble for saying something inappropriate in class. (sorry I\'ll get to my point, I promise, just a bit of background on myself) my husband went through a spiritual search about a year ago. He found out all the things about the Church and it\'s founder and resigned about three months ago</p>\n<p>. I plan on resigning, but don\'t know when. I am feeling very conflicted and hurt about all the new things I\'ve learned. It\'s made me even more sarcastic and cynical than I was before(which was already a lot).<br />\nOkay background done, sorry for that.<br />\nWhen my husband and I got married, we had a civil marriage. It was beautiful, I was wearing a strapless dress that was the \"talk\" of the ward for awhile. It shouldn\'t have been, I used to wear tank tops to young women\'s. :) When my husband and I were opening our gifts, we came across a card from a neighbor and member that had watched me grow up. The card said, \"congratulations, we do wish you had chosen the right way though.\" When I read it, I felt I had been slapped in the face. I took it to my mom\'s house and showed it to her. She responded with some statement about how they just cared about me. Cared about me! Has anyone else run into this type of insult, all in the name of caring of course?</p>\n<hr />\n<p>geekchick<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nWelcome,fidget!</p>\n<p>This board has plenty of people willing to share their experiences. We have been where you are. Welcome!</p>\n<p>Mormons don\'t have personal boundaries. They expect you to not have them either. They expect you to not be offended when they cross your boundaries because they truly CANNOT see any other viewpoint. They think: \"I\'m helping.\" \"I\'m expressing the love of Heavenly Father for him/her/them.\" \"Maybe I can get through to her and she\'ll feel the spirit.\"</p>\n<p>Some people are more aggressive in their boundary crossing than others. Unfortunately, the gift-giver in this case didn\'t feel it was unusual to cross these boundaries because she felt she had that right. She\'s seen you grow up and felt she could make any comment she wanted.</p>\n<p>I try to see this type of behavior as a form of mental illness. They can\'t see beyond their own world view. (NOTE: I\'m not saying belief in religion is a form of mental illness. I\'m saying the closed minded worldview of the cult members is.) Just as we don\'t get insulted by autistic children who behave improperly, we don\'t have to let their rude behavior impact us. They TRUELY don\'t know what they\'re doing or how it impacts those on the receiving end of their behavior.</p>\n<hr />\ncaedmon<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nThis is why people don\'t like Mormons. (Thanks Mia)\n<p>They make up a lot of silly rules for themselves but then get bent out of shape when other people don\'t follow their made up rules.</p>\n<p>What they wrote was RUDE beyond belief, only a mormon would think that was okay. Only a mormon would make excuses for that being okay.</p>\n<hr />\nmindlight<br />\nWhat they wrote was RUDE beyond belief, only a mormon would think that was okay. Only a mormon would make excuses for that being okay.<br />\nI totally agree.\n<p>just be aware, it is them, not you who comes off so badly/sadly</p>\n<hr />\nHeresy<br />\nThat note is right up there with \"I\'ll pray for you\".<br />\nAs though they have superior communications with God, and we need their help or God\'s. As though they would be the one to control our spiritual path.\n<p>And it\'s all cloaked under \'I care, so I\'ll pray for you\'.</p>\n<p>They don\'t seem to notice that caring is isn\'t the same as manipulating.</p>\n<hr />\nOutcast<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nThey learn that from their church leaders. How many times have you sat in SM and felt like you were being criticized for not being good enough, but veiled in comments about how much you were cared about? Passive aggressive.\n<hr />\nxyz<br />\nKeep reading here.<br />\nThat card from your neighbor was pretty awful. The only possible response to such a thing is \"How rude of you to say something so judgmental. I am so embarrassed for you.\"\n<p>Mormons excuse all sorts of unbelievably horrific bad behavior under the guise of \"just being caring\". Neglecting their manners speaks volumes as to their low upbringing.</p>\n<hr />\nItzpapalotl<br />\n+1<br />\nMy first thought was CA Girl\'s, \"See, this is why people don\'t respect Mormons.\"\n<p>What a completely underhanded and tacky message. EtiquetteHell suggests saying something like, \"OMG, I am SO embarrassed FOR YOU!\" for future situations.</p>\n<p>Welcome to RfM. :)</p>\n<hr />\nCA girl<br />\nRe: +1<br />\nThat is my other favorite, all-purpose comeback - that one by EtiquetteHell: \"I can\'t believe you just said (wrote) that. I\'m so embarrassed for you.\" It helps if you can laugh while you are saying it too.\n<p>fidget - glad you are here. I love it when new people join or lurkers start to post because it\'s nice to know word is spreading about Mormonism and that people are getting free of the sort of mindset that made your neighbor write what she did. It\'s great to have other people who understand where you\'ve been and where you are coming from. When Mormons insult you under the guise of being caring, just remember you and 99 percent of humanity are right and the Mormon doing the insulting is wrong.</p>\n<hr />\nbarney<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nReminds me of a saying that I heard several times from various TBM\'s... \"The scriptures don\'t say not to judge, they say not to judge unrighteously\".\n<hr />\njenn<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nwelcome and that card was rude\n<hr />\nHuman<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nfidget Wrote:<br />\n-------------------------------------------------------<br />\nWhen my husband and<br />\n&gt; I were opening our gifts, we came across a card<br />\n&gt; from a neighbor and member that had watched me<br />\n&gt; grow up. The card said, \"congratulations, we do<br />\n&gt; wish you had chosen the right way though.\" When I<br />\n&gt; read it, I felt I had been slapped in the face. I<br />\n&gt; took it to my mom\'s house and showed it to her.<br />\n&gt; She responded with some statement about how they<br />\n&gt; just cared about me. Cared about me! Has anyone<br />\n&gt; else run into this type of insult, all in the name<br />\n&gt; of caring of course?\n<p>fidget, you\'ve put your finger on exactly what was hardest for me to deal with on the way out, the passive-aggressive well-wishing! Oh it hurt! It really did.</p>\n<p>The worst part is that I do think the senders of such cards and thoughts *do* care but are also suffering because of our decisions to leave the cult. All would be well if they could simply separate the two, the sincere feeling of well-wishing and the sincere feeling of insecurity that we have left.</p>\n<hr />\nflyboy21<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nHey fidget!\n<p>Sounds like you dealt with some real assholes on your wedding day. I\'m sorry. The bright side, though? You won. You DID it the right way--in a strapless dress, no less, instead of that laughingstock of a costume you would have worn in the sealing room.</p>\n<p>Nicely done ;)</p>\n<hr />\n<p>pamjordanarnold<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nCA Girl- I really think you should author a great book with all the funny comeback quotes you come up with. I\'ll bet it would sell!</p>\n<hr />\n<p>ontheDownLow<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nfidget:</p>\n<p>You take that gift back to that member and tell them to stick it up their ass sideways and rotate it.</p>\n<p>You tell them that they are gonna burn in hell for following a false prophet and for not embracing TRUTH above all things.</p>\n<p>You tell them that they are not permitted to judge says \"Christ\" himself.</p>\n<p>You tell them to take the mote out of their own eye says \"Christ\" himself.</p>\n<p>I totally hate religion because its all about intollerence and justifying ones evil desires. Wars are started over it, ppl are murdered over it, and many are persecuted for not adopting the contemporary religion of its day and location.</p>\n<p>And I used to be TBM to the core until I figured out how it was making me ignorant.</p>\n<hr />\njazzskeeter<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nWowza! Take the gift back. Rude beyond belief.\n<hr />\ndogzilla<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\n\"Thank you for the lovely wedding gift. We do wish you\'d chosen a better one, though.\"\n<hr />\n<p>rander70<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nHaha! dogzilla that was great. I loved this quote on Family Guy when Chris asked this republican girl what they do at the republican club. She replied, \"We help people who have the means to help themselves.\" LOL! I believe this can also be applied to Mormons.</p>\n<hr />\nfidget<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nHaha I almost spit my water on my iPad hahahaha\n<hr />\nfidget<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nThank you all. The sad thing is its been four years since we were married and that comment still burns. I decided to be the bigger person and wrote them a thank you card that was very short. At least I could use the $20 to buy myself a couple ice creams ;)\n<hr />\nCA girl<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nthanks pam - if only I could come up with them when I\'m put on the spot but at least I have a few pre-prepared. :)\n<hr />\nfidget<br />\nRe: +1<br />\nI don\'t think I\'ve ever heard of EtiquetteHell?\n<hr />\n<p>thecheese<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nPost it on the web site passive aggressive notes.</p>\n<hr />\nymountain<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nWow...that is pretty fucking awful...shame on those people!!!!!!!\n<hr />\n<p>lillium<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nMy own mother did that exact thing to me. We were never close, and after I left home we were very distant. We would talk maybe twice a year on the phone, and cards for birthdays, Christmas, and mother\'s day.</p>\n<p>So I got a BD card, probably around my 25th BD. All she wrote was (paraphrasing) \"I wouldn\'t have chosen the path you did but I wish you good luck.\"</p>\n<p>She didn\'t even bother to tell me which path it was she wasn\'t happy about. That I made it to the ripe old age of 25 without getting married? That I wasn\'t active in TSCC? That I had to support myself? What? \'Course I wasn\'t about to call and ask her. That would be just asking for trouble.</p>\n<hr />\nbona dea<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nThank you for the gift and we did do our wedding the right way, thank you very much. We did what we wanted, choose our vows and location, had flowers and invited who we wanted. So sorry your wedding couldn\'t have been as nice.It must have been awful to exclude people and wear funny clothes\n<hr />\n<p>summer<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nfidget Wrote:<br />\n-------------------------------------------------------<br />\n&gt; The card said, \"congratulations, we do wish you had chosen the right way though.\"</p>\n<p>Dear Family Friend,</p>\n<p>We did consider getting married the right way by eloping to Las Vegas and having a Star Trek theme wedding, but somehow we didn\'t feel worthy of that. We can\'t quote every episode by heart and we\'ve missed a few Trekker conventions. We did deeply regret not being able to dress up in the funny costumes and tin-foil hats, and give those memorable hand signals (\"live long and prosper,\") and we did miss having our wedding in one of those blinged-out neon \"temples.\" But on the other hand we were able to invite not only the Klingons AND the Romulans, but also our familial Borg. Everyone got along beautifully, even if my beloved Borg family and friends can\'t resist saying to one and all, \"you WILL be assimilated.\" Everyone else just laughed at their funny little joke.</p>\n<p>Live long and prosper,</p>\n<p>Fidget</p>\n<hr />\n<p>bona dea<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nSummer, Trekkies do not wear tin foil hats, They wear pointed ears.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>summer<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nWell yes, but I have promised that a Klingon may disembowel me if I reveal secret, no, make that sacred truths.</p>\n<hr />\nbaura<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\n+1 :)\n<hr />\nwisewoman<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nPassive-Aggressive or Nasty-Nice is what Relief Society is based on.\n<hr />\nJohnny Canuck<br />\nRe: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care<br />\nI would have returned the card and gift where hence it came.\n<hr />\nItzpapalotl<br />\nRe: +1<br />\netiquettehell.com\n<p>It\'s a site that deals with etiquette issues at weddings, work, family, social functions....Sometimes it is truly unbelievable how entitled, clueless, and selfish some people act. Interesting stories, but sometimes the people can be overly stuffy and prissy.</p>\n<p>\"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org\"</p>\n', created = 1495668513, expire = 1495754913, headers = '', serialized = 0 WHERE cid = '2:2ac81f2104439560e760f914aa14d08f' in /home/exmormon/public_html/d6/drupal/includes/cache.inc on line 112.

by fidget June 2012

excerpt "When my husband and I got married, we had a civil marriage. It was beautiful, I was wearing a strapless dress that was the "talk" of the ward for awhile. It shouldn't have been, I used to wear tank tops to young women's. :) When my husband and I were opening our gifts, we came across a card from a neighbor and member that had watched me grow up. The card said, "congratulations, we do wish you had chosen the right way though."

Hi I'm fidget, I'm new to the board. I posted something yesterday and I'm grateful for everyone's thoughts. I have been inactive officially for about five years, I was mentally inactive earlier than that, but my parents forced me to attend church. I was inactive because there were many things that didn't sit right with me from a young age. I was always the one getting in trouble for saying something inappropriate in class. (sorry I'll get to my point, I promise, just a bit of background on myself) my husband went through a spiritual search about a year ago. He found out all the things about the Church and it's founder and resigned about three months ago

. I plan on resigning, but don't know when. I am feeling very conflicted and hurt about all the new things I've learned. It's made me even more sarcastic and cynical than I was before(which was already a lot).
Okay background done, sorry for that.
When my husband and I got married, we had a civil marriage. It was beautiful, I was wearing a strapless dress that was the "talk" of the ward for awhile. It shouldn't have been, I used to wear tank tops to young women's. :) When my husband and I were opening our gifts, we came across a card from a neighbor and member that had watched me grow up. The card said, "congratulations, we do wish you had chosen the right way though." When I read it, I felt I had been slapped in the face. I took it to my mom's house and showed it to her. She responded with some statement about how they just cared about me. Cared about me! Has anyone else run into this type of insult, all in the name of caring of course?


geekchick
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Welcome,fidget!

This board has plenty of people willing to share their experiences. We have been where you are. Welcome!

Mormons don't have personal boundaries. They expect you to not have them either. They expect you to not be offended when they cross your boundaries because they truly CANNOT see any other viewpoint. They think: "I'm helping." "I'm expressing the love of Heavenly Father for him/her/them." "Maybe I can get through to her and she'll feel the spirit."

Some people are more aggressive in their boundary crossing than others. Unfortunately, the gift-giver in this case didn't feel it was unusual to cross these boundaries because she felt she had that right. She's seen you grow up and felt she could make any comment she wanted.

I try to see this type of behavior as a form of mental illness. They can't see beyond their own world view. (NOTE: I'm not saying belief in religion is a form of mental illness. I'm saying the closed minded worldview of the cult members is.) Just as we don't get insulted by autistic children who behave improperly, we don't have to let their rude behavior impact us. They TRUELY don't know what they're doing or how it impacts those on the receiving end of their behavior.


caedmon
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
This is why people don't like Mormons. (Thanks Mia)

They make up a lot of silly rules for themselves but then get bent out of shape when other people don't follow their made up rules.

What they wrote was RUDE beyond belief, only a mormon would think that was okay. Only a mormon would make excuses for that being okay.


mindlight
What they wrote was RUDE beyond belief, only a mormon would think that was okay. Only a mormon would make excuses for that being okay.
I totally agree.

just be aware, it is them, not you who comes off so badly/sadly


Heresy
That note is right up there with "I'll pray for you".
As though they have superior communications with God, and we need their help or God's. As though they would be the one to control our spiritual path.

And it's all cloaked under 'I care, so I'll pray for you'.

They don't seem to notice that caring is isn't the same as manipulating.


Outcast
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
They learn that from their church leaders. How many times have you sat in SM and felt like you were being criticized for not being good enough, but veiled in comments about how much you were cared about? Passive aggressive.
xyz
Keep reading here.
That card from your neighbor was pretty awful. The only possible response to such a thing is "How rude of you to say something so judgmental. I am so embarrassed for you."

Mormons excuse all sorts of unbelievably horrific bad behavior under the guise of "just being caring". Neglecting their manners speaks volumes as to their low upbringing.


Itzpapalotl
+1
My first thought was CA Girl's, "See, this is why people don't respect Mormons."

What a completely underhanded and tacky message. EtiquetteHell suggests saying something like, "OMG, I am SO embarrassed FOR YOU!" for future situations.

Welcome to RfM. :)


CA girl
Re: +1
That is my other favorite, all-purpose comeback - that one by EtiquetteHell: "I can't believe you just said (wrote) that. I'm so embarrassed for you." It helps if you can laugh while you are saying it too.

fidget - glad you are here. I love it when new people join or lurkers start to post because it's nice to know word is spreading about Mormonism and that people are getting free of the sort of mindset that made your neighbor write what she did. It's great to have other people who understand where you've been and where you are coming from. When Mormons insult you under the guise of being caring, just remember you and 99 percent of humanity are right and the Mormon doing the insulting is wrong.


barney
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Reminds me of a saying that I heard several times from various TBM's... "The scriptures don't say not to judge, they say not to judge unrighteously".
jenn
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
welcome and that card was rude
Human
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
fidget Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
When my husband and
> I were opening our gifts, we came across a card
> from a neighbor and member that had watched me
> grow up. The card said, "congratulations, we do
> wish you had chosen the right way though." When I
> read it, I felt I had been slapped in the face. I
> took it to my mom's house and showed it to her.
> She responded with some statement about how they
> just cared about me. Cared about me! Has anyone
> else run into this type of insult, all in the name
> of caring of course?

fidget, you've put your finger on exactly what was hardest for me to deal with on the way out, the passive-aggressive well-wishing! Oh it hurt! It really did.

The worst part is that I do think the senders of such cards and thoughts *do* care but are also suffering because of our decisions to leave the cult. All would be well if they could simply separate the two, the sincere feeling of well-wishing and the sincere feeling of insecurity that we have left.


flyboy21
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Hey fidget!

Sounds like you dealt with some real assholes on your wedding day. I'm sorry. The bright side, though? You won. You DID it the right way--in a strapless dress, no less, instead of that laughingstock of a costume you would have worn in the sealing room.

Nicely done ;)


pamjordanarnold
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
CA Girl- I really think you should author a great book with all the funny comeback quotes you come up with. I'll bet it would sell!


ontheDownLow
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
fidget:

You take that gift back to that member and tell them to stick it up their ass sideways and rotate it.

You tell them that they are gonna burn in hell for following a false prophet and for not embracing TRUTH above all things.

You tell them that they are not permitted to judge says "Christ" himself.

You tell them to take the mote out of their own eye says "Christ" himself.

I totally hate religion because its all about intollerence and justifying ones evil desires. Wars are started over it, ppl are murdered over it, and many are persecuted for not adopting the contemporary religion of its day and location.

And I used to be TBM to the core until I figured out how it was making me ignorant.


jazzskeeter
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Wowza! Take the gift back. Rude beyond belief.
dogzilla
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
"Thank you for the lovely wedding gift. We do wish you'd chosen a better one, though."

rander70
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Haha! dogzilla that was great. I loved this quote on Family Guy when Chris asked this republican girl what they do at the republican club. She replied, "We help people who have the means to help themselves." LOL! I believe this can also be applied to Mormons.


fidget
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Haha I almost spit my water on my iPad hahahaha
fidget
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Thank you all. The sad thing is its been four years since we were married and that comment still burns. I decided to be the bigger person and wrote them a thank you card that was very short. At least I could use the $20 to buy myself a couple ice creams ;)
CA girl
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
thanks pam - if only I could come up with them when I'm put on the spot but at least I have a few pre-prepared. :)
fidget
Re: +1
I don't think I've ever heard of EtiquetteHell?

thecheese
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Post it on the web site passive aggressive notes.


ymountain
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Wow...that is pretty fucking awful...shame on those people!!!!!!!

lillium
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
My own mother did that exact thing to me. We were never close, and after I left home we were very distant. We would talk maybe twice a year on the phone, and cards for birthdays, Christmas, and mother's day.

So I got a BD card, probably around my 25th BD. All she wrote was (paraphrasing) "I wouldn't have chosen the path you did but I wish you good luck."

She didn't even bother to tell me which path it was she wasn't happy about. That I made it to the ripe old age of 25 without getting married? That I wasn't active in TSCC? That I had to support myself? What? 'Course I wasn't about to call and ask her. That would be just asking for trouble.


bona dea
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Thank you for the gift and we did do our wedding the right way, thank you very much. We did what we wanted, choose our vows and location, had flowers and invited who we wanted. So sorry your wedding couldn't have been as nice.It must have been awful to exclude people and wear funny clothes

summer
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
fidget Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The card said, "congratulations, we do wish you had chosen the right way though."

Dear Family Friend,

We did consider getting married the right way by eloping to Las Vegas and having a Star Trek theme wedding, but somehow we didn't feel worthy of that. We can't quote every episode by heart and we've missed a few Trekker conventions. We did deeply regret not being able to dress up in the funny costumes and tin-foil hats, and give those memorable hand signals ("live long and prosper,") and we did miss having our wedding in one of those blinged-out neon "temples." But on the other hand we were able to invite not only the Klingons AND the Romulans, but also our familial Borg. Everyone got along beautifully, even if my beloved Borg family and friends can't resist saying to one and all, "you WILL be assimilated." Everyone else just laughed at their funny little joke.

Live long and prosper,

Fidget


bona dea
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Summer, Trekkies do not wear tin foil hats, They wear pointed ears.


summer
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Well yes, but I have promised that a Klingon may disembowel me if I reveal secret, no, make that sacred truths.


baura
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
+1 :)
wisewoman
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
Passive-Aggressive or Nasty-Nice is what Relief Society is based on.
Johnny Canuck
Re: Mormons being insulting while pretending they care
I would have returned the card and gift where hence it came.
Itzpapalotl
Re: +1
etiquettehell.com

It's a site that deals with etiquette issues at weddings, work, family, social functions....Sometimes it is truly unbelievable how entitled, clueless, and selfish some people act. Interesting stories, but sometimes the people can be overly stuffy and prissy.

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"