Medical release from my mission
MS Jan, 2013
A while back I embarked on my mission after working for a solid two years to meet the worthiness bar. 6 weeks later I was home on a medical release for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Looking back on my early childhood I can vividly remember moments when I should have gotten help for mental and emotional concerns. Since being home I have wondered why and what caused me so many problems on my mission. All though I feel that my brain is just wired to worry, which causes my emotional distress at home. I can't understand why those who didn't take the church seriously even on their mission are mentally more stable.
I have noticed this in many of my friends. My roommate said he played play station portable on his mission on a regular basis, and even had his best friend that was also on his mission, mail him a play station portable. He jokes around about it and doesn't seem to have any internal guilt. On the contrary, I have a roommate who went to the Ukraine, he said he never broke any rules deliberately and took his calling seriously. Yet he has decided to leave the church because he feels the mission screwed him up emotionally and that the church can't possibly be true.
Why is that we had it so much worse off when we took what we were doing so seriously. If I could go back, I would try mentally convincing myself to just say screw whether or not it's true. I'm just going to hangout here in England and have good time in a foreign country, I certainly loved the place for it's beauty and kind people. Why is that I have to suffer when I tried so hard to follow the teachings, while those that just "chilled" come home with some miraculous, "my mission changed me!!!" experience, and are revered by there family, friends, and leaders.
Why? Sometimes I suffer with my mission experience so much I just want life to end. I know that this is speaking for the whole. But I have just noticed this pattern many times in my life. In the MTC the missionaries who seemed to be doing well, were typically the most laid back concerning the rules. Also does anybody know of any dating or social site that I can meet a girl that understands these issues in the light that I do. Thank you
gentlestrength
Re: Medical release from my mission
I have a theory, a belief based on experience and observation that some of the more earnest, serious, and sincere missionaries are likely to find the Mormon Church unable to deliver any value to people who truly need a quality religion, with trained religious leaders, based on spiritual values. Mormonism doesn't have this and they might begin to realize that it is a fraud inspite of their desire for it to be something else.
Upon returning they will either go on to temple marriage and get sucked into a different more complex Mormon trap, or they will resist temple cult ritual marriages and likely continue to pursue the truth of the Mormn church. With the Internet is should be a lot easier for them to find substantial reasons not to build the remainder of their life on a cult fraud created by a liar for the financial enrichment of a few elite MLM leaders.
Raptor Jesus
The missionary experience is a cult.
So when you take it seriously, you are setting yourself up for emotional abuse.
Those who didn't take it too seriously were able to not worry about the destructive elements of cults.
Those of us who took it seriously internalized the cult's most damaging traits. One of which is - everything that doesn't work out is YOUR fault.
That really does a lot of damage over time.
cl2
And some of them are lying
How many missionaries do you know who come home and get up in church and tell you they hated their missions?
Reading what you posted reminded me of when I had my twins. Many of my friends had married the same year I did--and we weren't young. I was 27 when I got married. I had always LONGED to be a mother--after all, it was what I was taught all my life. I wanted 8 children. Then I had my babies. I was out of my mind. I'm sure I had a lot of postpartum depression. BUT all of my friends talked about how much they loved being a mom. All the women in the church talked about how much they loved being a mom.
Then I talked to one of my closest friend's husbands--he had been my friend, too, before they got together. It was a completely different story from him than from her. I found out most, if not all my friends struggled with being a new mom, but they lied, they pretended all was well. Mormons are taught well to do so in every area of their lives.
I was also devout. Most people who know me still can't believe I don't believe--I have been "inactive" for 18 years and I've been a nonbeliever for 10, and they still don't buy it. Then there are those who pick and choose what rules they will live by. There are those who sowed many wild oats (most of my cousins) and now in their 60s get up at family reunions and bear their testimonies.
Mormonism is about faking it for many people.
MS
Re: And some of them are lying
I agree with you that a lot of people are just faking it.
Carol Y.
You seem like a Highly Sensitive Person. There are blogs and websites where HSPs discuss having similar difficulties.
bordergirl
Re: Medical release from my mission
MS, don't feel bad about being a truthful, sincere, person who tries to live honestly and honorably. You don't need to compromise who you are in order to "stick it out" and then return to tell more lies about how "wonderful" everything was.
If you haven't already, get some therapy (with a ex-mormon or non-mormon therapist, if possible) along with medication. Take some time to get to know yourself. Find out how to live a life that is true to who you are.
I believe a lot of your pain comes from trying to understand and live in an organization and a philosophy of life that is all about facade and not about truth. It doesn't seem to me that you could be happy "chilling" and then lying about it.
I know there are many people here at rfm who suffered on their missions. If they served the whole time, they regret coming home and lying about "the best experience" of their lives. They regret the people they brought into the church. Some of them regret the marriages they rushed into upon returning home.
Take your time and don't try to rush things. Go to school; get a job; travel on your own terms. You've been to England; you know how to get along in another country. Stay in a hostel and work for your room. I saw lots of kids doing this in Europe. You have tons of time ahead of you--don't limit yourself to the rigid playbook that you've been given.
I wish the best for you. There are some great people here who can help you when you are down.
MS
Re: You seem like a Highly Sensitive Person. There are blogs and websites where HSPs discuss having similar difficulties.
I certainly am. Could you direct me to some of those blogs and Websites.
MS
Re: You seem like a Highly Sensitive Person. There are blogs and websites where HSPs discuss having similar difficulties.
Thank you for your advice. I'm currently seeking out insurance with the purpose of obtaining a counselor. I'm seeking to find a medication.
Thanks again
MS
MS
Re: Medical release from my mission
Thank you for your advice. I'm currently seeking out insurance with the purpose of obtaining a counselor. I'm seeking to find a medication.
Thanks again
MS
Carol Y.
Here are a few. You can do a search and find lots of other sites.
http://www.hsperson.com/
http://www.highlysensitiveperson.org/
I particularly like this one. http://livingsamsara.com/highly-sensitive-person/
MS
Re: Medical release from my mission
I also just want to say that I don't blame anybody for breaking the rules on their missions, and I'm certainly not implying that I want them to suffer. Missions are so hard and we all come from different backgrounds. If I would have stayed out I'm sure I would have broken tons of rules just to get through it. In fact, I started to in the short time I was there. I have just seen and had many conversations with people about mission experiences and have noticed this pattern. Maybe the individuals that say they broke the rules and don't care at all are lying. Who knows. I just think if the Church was really true, that those who were trying and taking gods work seriously. Wouldn't be suffering mentally and emotionally. It leads me to think and accept that my mental and emotional distress now, is probably just part of the condition that brought me home.
summer
Re: Medical release from my mission
Anxiety is tough. I had a family member who suffered from it. I urge you to seek medical attention for it along with counseling, and to keep up your efforts to address it even if it is unrewarding at times to do so. This will be a lifetime effort for you, so don't take your eye off of the ball.
The Mormon church encourages perfectionism in all things, and perfectionism is exactly what an anxious person doesn't need. It would be beneficial to you to seek a laid back, relaxed attitude as much as you can do so.
sparkyguru
Re: And some of them are lying
in my home coming talk I said the mission was the worst two years of my life, then spun it to a faith promoting talk on how you can't have highs without lows, etc etc. and my friend reminds me that I said "there I was in BFE, no water no power and a dirt floor"
he said me saying BFE made him laugh
imaworkinonit
I agree wholeheartedly
"Those of us who took it seriously internalized the cult's most damaging traits. One of which is - everything that doesn't work out is YOUR fault."
Yep. If God doesn't answer your prayers . . . it's your fault. That summarizes my experience in the church.
I tried to do everything right, obey all the commandments, etc. But still failed to get that inspiration.
It can start to destroy you after a while. Depression, self-blame, etc.
hello9
Re: Medical release from my mission
I came home early from a third world country mission. I would say the mission experience and coming home early was the worst thing I have lived through. I experienced ptsd for several years after I came home. I also have permanent social anxiety issues from being forced to speak in front of groups. I too had psychological problems growing up that my parents never got me help for because it was considered taboo. They made up other excuses and swept it all under the rug. After my mission I was diagnosed with ocd; tourettes; adhd; depression and anxiety so yeah the mission was real hell as you can see. When I came home early there was complete shunning. I wasn't sure anyone would be there to come get me because they were very late getting to the airport. My parents said the ward members spoke of me as though I had died. My mom made it very obvious that I was a failure in her eyes and might as well drop out of college. Dad said I was selfish for leaving and was a sinner because I had no idea what real suffering was. I was suicidal during this time and wanted everything to just end! When I went back to school I pretended that I never went on a mission and wouldn't talk about it with anyone. Someone from the mtc saw me in the hallways and stopped to talk and I told them I had no idea who they were. It was a coping mechanism and the only way I could get through it. After the mission I made the mistake of getting married in the temple to a tbm. I wish I would have known then what I know now and gotten out more quickly! Hopefully you are not married to a Mormon and were able to realize the fraud faster than myself. You are not alone as I am also in therapy to recover from Mormon abuse.
luvcake
Re: Medical release from my mission
MS, I have been thinking about this very thing lately. I appreciate you posting this and being so articulate. It hit home BIg Time! I served in the states in 1990, I knew before I got home that Something was up with sctt. I had NO intentions of marrying a RM. SO, I started thinking that I would have to marry someone that was raised LDS but was inactive because nobody would ever understand me. (Luckily I did)
As a sister missionary I too felt the very same way. I would go from being angry to jealous back to angry at the missionaries who just took it all in stride. It didn't seem "right" that I was suffering and they were on vacation. I didn't go and call them out or anything like I know a lot of "sisters" would do but I kept trying to make sense of it all. I would voice concerns to comps and district groups and they seemed to understand my feeling but I always seemed to take it much harder then most of them.
If I could have any super power,(we play games like this at our house) I would pick reading peoples minds. Everyone else seems to pick things like flying and strength and morphing into things. Go figue.
I did check out the web sights that Carol Y posted. I guess that fits me pretty well and probably you too. And Counseling really does help. I tend to want to "talk" things to death. But, it always makes me feel better. I have also been on anti depressants and they help but it's really hard to find the one that will work for you without all the side effects. Since leaving the church and all the bull behind (5 Years now) I actually feel 100% better, and for the first time SINCE my mission I am actually off of anti depressants.
When your mind has to work as hard as it does to convince yourself something is true or right, it probably isn't. Yes, life will be hard and things will come up that are unexpected but I feel now that I am better able to coup and recognize what is an appropriate response. In the church I couldn't do that. I didn't even trust my own thought or actions. I was constantly at odds with myself and other peoples reactions to the teachings if that makes sense. IT was exhausting!!!! Just writing this is exhausting. :)
I do think that what you posted above is accurate and for someone who feels that way, the sctt is very painful and detrimental. We tend to want to be around people who are like us. Even in a church setting I would seek out people who were willing to share their feeling. Surprisingly there really weren't that many though so I never felt validated in my views and beliefs and I had a hard time faking it and believe me I tried!!
Keep posting, There is hope. You are definitely not alone!
BG
Re: Medical release from my mission
I too came home early for medical causes in the second year of my Mission after working very hard and taking things very seriously. The experience of coming home early was not pleasant in the very early days, but I had supportive parents and girlfriend. My advice is to move on and not dwell on the past. Get a plan for going to school or starting a vocation and move on with your life. Get involved with sports, music or other hobbies you enjoyed before going. There are organizations that post here, if you let people know geographically where you are where you can meet people with similar experiences. Some young people use R$dd1t to meet up with people with there same views.
Sometimes I think we should start a support group for missionaries that come home early, the Church certainly does not take of them.
feelinglight
Re: Medical release from my mission
Well, I have 8 children, all baptized. None went on a mission. And I am so glad they did not. Then when I read about those who did and it was a terrible experience, I feel so bad for them. Is this really the way God works? I don't think so. And I so agree with you that "it is the person's fault" is what the church expounds. You didn't pray hard enough or try enough....No wonder there are so many people in the church who are depressed.......
MexMom
Thanks for sharing your mission stories. I support the idea of starting a support group for those that come home early.
I feel for all of you that had to endure a mission. I could never fathom being away from my sons for two years, even when I was tbm. I told my bishop it was just not going to happen and he didn't say a word, because my husband is one of those "non members" and he didn't dare. I am so sorry that you have to live with the issues surrounding the stupid cult missions. I validate your feelings and want you to know that others care.
GC
Support group: Medical release from my mission
a support group is a very good idea. It's terrible how the Mormons treat missionaries who return early.
dissonanceresolved
Re: The missionary experience is a cult.
Raptor Jesus Wrote:
>
> Those of us who took it seriously internalized the
> cult's most damaging traits. One of which is -
> everything that doesn't work out is YOUR fault.
>
> That really does a lot of damage over time.
I agree! Another issue is having to "do everything" because we don't want to just pick and choose at the Lord's Banquet, we want to feast and be full. I really, really hate that analogy, now. Even when I realized I couldn't "do" everything I still felt guilty and unworthy.
Until I found enough half truths and lies that I could disbelieve "the prophets." The last two weeks have been really wonderful!
MS
Re: Medical release from my mission
Would you say that you have made a recovery over time. Does life move on. Do you have good days again? thanks for sharing your story
MS
Re: Medical release from my mission
Thanks for sharing your story. It's comforting to hear that there are people who feel the same way. I wish I could find a girl who thought like you at my age. They just all seem to be brainwashed.
Thanks
MS
MS
Re: Medical release from my mission
Moving on is what I'm trying to do. I'm getting motivated in school and I hope to find support groups with people like me.
I'm defiantly going to check out the one you listed above. Thanks a lot for that.
MS
hello9
Re: Medical release from my mission
When I first got back things were horribly tough and then got easier through college. After I married a tbm in the temple and had a child with him things took a turn for the worst. I have been depressed throughout my entire marriage and felt so misunderstood and unloved. Maybe things would have been easier had I not been married to a Mormon. As long as you make sure to date non Mormons you should be able to go down a different path than I have. A much easier path!
nickson
Re: I agree wholeheartedly
WOW! That was EXACTLY my main experience with the church. Unfortunately I was too young to understand what was happening (yet it still is actually one of the traits I'm having to work out of) and fortunately we left before I was too engrained in the Mormon church that it became a horrible, life-destroying personality trait. I can totally understand you on that one.
stokars
Re: Medical release from my mission
MS, before you jump from the frying pan into the blast furnace know and understand what you will be getting in to.
Pick up the book by Dr Thomas Szasz, The Myth of Pschotherapy. After >30 yrs of reading on this topic as well as $1K's of dollars in my own efforts to get past what my family and mission did to me I wouldn't cast my shadow on their doors. There's only one real solution-start loving yourself with all your might, mind, and strength. When you can do that, your bucket will be full to give to others, including wife and children.
cymorg
Re: Medical release from my mission
I've always thought "medical release" was jsut a euphemism for being unworthy lol.
stokars
Re: Medical release from my mission
Back in the 90s I was doing some searching on psychiatric material & came across a 60s article by Allan E Bergin posted on BYU studies. It contained his conclusions from running filters on clinical data: most of the "patients" showed no improvement/decline from counseling, a smaller group showed negative results, a smaller group than the negative one showed positive results. The positive results had nothing to do with treatment philosohy. These people improved because the provider exhibited a Christ-like attitude in helping the "patient" through their difficulties. In another study I found that the majority of people usualy got past their problems within 3 years, w/o counseling. The problem with most counselors is they don't honestly care about their patients; it's too much emotional loading. So understand what you're buying is someone to love you out of your affliction. That used to be called prostitution. If you chose that, realize you'll get what you pay for.
It is advisable to read up on the "anti-depressant" scam: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-mark-hyman/depression-medication-why_b_...
Zoloft did not facilitate my brother's recovery. After 20 yrs on the drug he went back to being aggressive and erratic at termination of drug & couseling. I spent 6 wks on Prozac just before divorce & it only made me mildly indifferent & caused severe gonadal pain. If you want to have the bejezus scarred out of you pick up a copy of Listening to Prozac. Most prescribers of such drugs don't have as much savvy as the doctor who wrote the book. And I thought he missed the point entirely.
Best thing that worked for me was daily positive affirmations, deliberate positive behavior modification, and associating with loving non-judegmental people as often as possible.
I had recurring nightmares about going back to the mission to do it over again that lasted 20 yrs, but they eventually went away, especially after leaving the church. Becoming my own best friend & associating with positive people was the only way I beat ptsd where my brother did not.
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"