I know she's just trying to be nice...
by nowI'mfound Feb 2012
summary: "in Mormonism, being kind "just because" is rare. Typically, it's because someone said you should or because you've been assigned. Normal people would never have to say, "And no one told me to come either." It would be implied in the fact that they showed up. Normal people aren't assigned to be nice. They do it because they want to."
When a lady from church (who was my first friend here before she stabbed me in the back twice) shows up at my door with a loaf of homemade wheat bread and says, while teary-eyed and holding both of my hands, "I've just really missed you. I've missed seeing you at church. I just want you to know..."
Okay nice...
Then she adds, "And no one told me to come either."
I don't know why, but I had to laugh once I closed the door. Because in mormonism, being kind "just because" is rare. Typically, it's because someone said you should or because you've been assigned. Normal people would never have to say, "And no one told me to come either." It would be implied in the fact that they showed up. Normal people aren't assigned to be nice. They do it because they want to.
I know she was trying, and I know her statement was supposed to make me feel extra special, but it kinda had the opposite effect. Although, I suppose I should give her credit for coming without being asked...
Cheryl
The morg programs followers to be member missionaries in their daily lives.
Sometimes they "fellowship" assigned friends. Other times they get out there and do it without being told. Either way it's the result of church pressure to be a good example and to build the church kingdom on earth.
weeder
"And no one told me to come" ... yeah right
Like maybe she never listened to general conference or never picked up on Tommy's "The Rescue" program.
Oh, she's been oh so carefully taught -- and she knew enough to know that being the focus of a church directive such as "The Rescue" would be offensive to you ... so she did what she could ... she lied-for-the-Lard.
en passant
Don't give her too much credit for being nice
She is acting out a form of Mormon passive-aggression, hand-holding and tears included. She thinks she is right and you are wrong, and she has been given the dispensation to act upon those feelings by those in authority over her.
nowI'mfound
Re: I know she's just trying to be nice, but...
Well, and since the whole theme of our Stake Conference and subsequent sacrament meetings have all been about "rescuing lost souls" and "helping those who've gone astray," I'm sure she felt "inspired" to bring me her love.
WiserWomanNow
No, no! She was NOT motivated from "niceness"!
Perhaps she realized that she had "stabbed you in the back" or in Mormon parlance, “offended” you. Concluding that SHE might be the reason why you are inactive (i.e. her fault! –in HER mind,) she hoped that the loaf of bread would undo the offense and get you back active in the church like a good little sheeple.
Mormons are regularly harangued about reactivating “lost” sheep. That’s all she was doing. Bringing you the bread was not motivated out of love, but out of following the directives of church leaders, (most recently from her stake conference, as you indicate.)
And you really do know this, nowI’mfound! because you say, “I know her statement was supposed to make me feel extra special, but it kinda had the opposite effect.” Of course it had the opposite effect! --as it would any of us on RfM. We KNOW what motivates love bombing!
You are right where you belong: here with us on RfM :-)
nowI'mfound
Re: No, no! She was NOT motivated from "niceness"!
And I love it here, btw :)
Mormons don't realize just how transparent they are. Kinda reminds me of my horrid TBM mother who's constantly making subtle, snarky, judgmental comments about everyone and everything, but when called on it says, "What? I didn't say anything bad! You must have misunderstood me..." Uh, anyone with half a brain cell can see what you're doing.
And, like I said, the loving bombing is having the opposite effect on our family. It's not bringing us back. If anything, it's pushing us further away and highlighting how disingenuous the mos are.
Provo Girl
If you really miss me then . . .
Come visit me in my home. Ask me out to lunch. But you're too busy with all your church work. And deep down you're afraid to associate with me because I might poison you with my apostasy.
JoD3:360
Designing sincerity takes practice
What she should have done instead was to just happen to see you at the store and chat about anything except church. She could wave hello here and there and even practice being a regular person. Once the stage is set, she could lure you back into the relationship without ever mentioning the church or claiming to miss seeing you there.
Of course, if she were really a friend this would have come naturally. But if she expects to carry out her assignment she needs to be more subversive than to be so transparent as to suddenly show up with food and tears.
Just out of curiosity, when she said "And no one told me to come either." did it look like she had suddenly remembered her line, or like someone was holding a cue-card just out of sight?
cl2
Are they just socially retarded, or what?
I have one lady that never leaves me alone--thank dog she moved to Logan (I'm in Hyrum) so she doesn't come by as often, but sends me things like VALENTINES.
She always acted so friendly whenever she ran into/runs into me--for some reason, I run into her more than anyone I know. BUT she came by on my birthday one year and told me, 'I was going to take you to lunch for your birthday, but I had something else I needed to do." I'm like WTF!?!? Besides the fact that I WOULDN'T WANT TO SPEND A MOMENT WITH HER--what a presumptuous arrogant b*tch. I then told her what I had done for my birthday--not like I was desperate for FRIENDS.
Mormons are notorious for this attitude. Not all--but many. I won't lump them all into one category because I really do have friends and neighbors who treat me well.
Mia
Re: I know she's just trying to be nice, but...
HOw do you think they would take it if you showed up on their doorstep crying, saying I miss you so much! I wish you would leave the church so you could have time with your real friends and have a real life. Nobody told me to do this either. I just want you out of there.
informer
Oh! My! Gosh! Did anyone tell her to
stab you in the back twice?
You're right: that is a true WTF?!?! Moment. Don't eat the bread--it's probably laced with arsenic.
serena
Brilliant! That's great. It might add a whole new dimension to "flummoxed"
notmo
Unfortunately for us this extends to family.
TBM "family" in UT who have shown their true colors over and over again. The truth is they can't be bothered because they really don't want to; this is find with us.
Last year they bailed out (the second time this has occurred) on coming to our DDs wedding; only MIL and FIL and one SIL and her DH said they would come. MIL and FIL are too afraid of the heathen world to come on their own so they convince their daughter and husband to accompany them. FIL has a minor physical problem so he can't come, MIL then bails. Now the only ones coming to this affair from the UT family are SIL and her DH...oh but wait, they bail as well-no reason really, other than the unspoken acknowledgment that they were only going to come to support FIL and MIL. So from a HUGE TBM family in UT there is NO ONE coming to our daughter's wedding. This was a big NY wedding. It cost, in total about 200.00 per person for this affair; guests treated like royalty. A few weeks after the wedding TBM SIL messages me on FB to tell me what a 'bad' time it was for her DH to come and how 'bad' they feel that they didn't come..yada yada she then says how SHE chose to go to Las Vegas with her grown kids instead. (I think she realized I had seen a post of one of her daughters saying they were there.) What she didn't realize is that I also saw a very small post on her DD's wall that her husband went to LV as well.
I wrote her back and flat out told her to spare the sentiment; if her husband could go to LV he could have come to the wedding. It really was kind of silly to make up excuses when there was no reason for not being there.
We put up with this nonsense all of the time.
wine country girl
That line from Mormons always pissed me off a little....
"We (or I) miss you AT CHURCH."
I once responded with "Well, I still live at the same address. My phone number hasn't changed." Her response was "You know what I mean....AT CHURCH." What a bunch of hooey.
Disingenuous much?
baura
Re: The morg programs followers to be member missionaries in their daily lives.
Cheryl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
Other times they get out there and do it without being told.
That might be clarified to "without being told SPECIFICALLY."
Of course there are all those exhortations to reach out to the less-active; invite them to Church, let them know we miss them. yadda yadda. In that case you should be flattered that she chose you to bother.
nowI'mfound
Re: Designing sincerity takes practice
She looked like the words had suddenly occurred to her and like she thought they would be the clincher to really make me feel her love
quebec
Oh, I just love it! ;)
suckafoo
Re: I know she's just trying to be nice, but...
Growing up we lived on 11 acres in California in a small town and went to a very small community church full of old cowboys and ranch people. My dad pulled out the plans and started building the house (we lived in a trailer until it was built). People from the little church would pull up in their trucks carrying shovels, hammers, saws, and lunch. And they would start pounding in nails. This continued for an entire year. The people there remained steadfast friends of my family forever, until some died, and then, 20 years after the house was built, my mother died. Along with my dad, my mom's women friends tended her until she died then brought my dad dinner for long after. Some are still around. They didn't get anything out of it, no special recognition at all by anyone and no organized church effort. Just people helping people. Why did they do it?
happyhollyhomemaker
Re: Oh! My! Gosh! Did anyone tell her to
EXACTLY! If she wanted to be your friend, she should have apologized for whatever it was that she did to betray you.
(I'm going to take a shot in the dark & guess that she was airing your personal business to anyone with ears, as mormons are want to do, out of "love and concern" for your spiritual state...what a load of crap!)
goldenrule
Re: Don't give her too much credit for being nice
Agreed about the passive-aggression. I have a TBM acquaintance (actually we used to be good friends but since I left the church she ditched me). We happen to be in the same ward and I guess as a result of institutionalized guilt, she will randomly drop off goodies and tells me she misses me.
Ok #1 how can you miss me? I live down the street, you can literally walk to my house whenever you want (and do as of late).
#2 How is it supposed to make me feel that your kids aren't allowed at my house to plat with my kids because I have coffee and alcohol (probably locked up since I have little ones too) and you don't want them improperly influenced like I'm some kind of degenerate?
#3 You never cared to ask WHY I left so how would you even have a clue about how to bring me back? I'll give you a hint - it was not because I wasn't fellowshipped enough.
goldenrule
Re: If you really miss me then . . .
EXACTLY!
That is exactly what I'm dealing with right now. Obviously I think you're a bad person because you left the church but I have some duty to bring you back, but I'm really scared of you, so uh, here's this bread...
ronas
Re: I know she's just trying to be nice, but...
I think you should act very touched so that you keep getting free bread.
Kind of like a slight tithing refund...
anonow
According to many of these comments the poor lady doesn't have a chance no matter what she does n/t
nowI'mfound
Re: Don't give her too much credit for being nice
+1
nowI'mfound
Re: I know she's just trying to be nice, but...
LOL, I was very kind about it, "Thanks, that so sweet...thanks for thinking of me, I appreciate it..."
Because, regardless of what I think about being love-bombed, and the motives behind it, I'll never regret just being kind.
And then I'll come here and tell y'all about it, ha! Just kidding.
ronas
Re: I know she's just trying to be nice, but...
C'mon you were at least a little tempted to say: "Oh perfect! Now I can use those knives you stabbed in my back to cut this bread."
WiserWomanNow
Ha, good one! Shoe on the other foot.
nowI'mfound
Re: I know she's just trying to be nice, but...
LMAO!! That would have been an awesome response!
imaworkinonit
A chance for WHAT?
She created an extremely awkward situation, showing up with a gift and crying and someone's door because she doesn't see them at church anymore.
That's just not normal behavior. Of course she doesn't have a chance of accomplishing much by doing that. Especially if she wanted to renew a normal friendship.
She stabbed the original poster in the back at one point. The appropriate thing to do would be to send a note and apologize, ask if they can go out to lunch sometime, talk sometimes, or do something actual FRIENDS do. Unannounced visit plus gift and tears to get someone to become religious is just rude and awkward.
But in her defense, I think the church creates socially awkward people and puts pressure on them to do socially awkward and manipulative things. I kind of feel sorry for her. She probably feels guilty that nowi'mfound left the church and was trying to fix it.
forestpal
Re: Oh! My! Gosh! Did anyone tell her to
You're right. Mormons never admit to doing anything wrong in the first place, so of course they never apologize. It is always the apostate's fault.
Yes, this was socially awkward, and she obviously didn't care if she made you uncomfortable.
I probably would have asked her for money for my favorite charity, as I usually do to Mormon front-door intruders, or suggested that if she missed me, she could come with me to collect clothes and food for those who are unemployed and have had their homes foreclosed, or walk dogs for the shelter, or visit the elderly. This would politely get the message across that we have gone our separate ways.
If they can push us into doing their stuff, why can't we push them into doing our stuff?
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"