Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom

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  • user warning: Table './exmo_08072012/cache_filter' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: UPDATE cache_filter SET data = '<p>rexburgtoaz Nov. 2013</p>\n<p>Message from my TBM mom on Facebook: \"I heard you didn\'t respond to your sister when she sent you the baptism announcement for -----. She feels really bad. You should be sharing it with your boys, as this was a big part of their cousin\'s life.\"</p>\n<p>I responded: \"Mom I love you. I didn\'t mean to make ----- feel bad. I will call her. I didn\'t comment to her because I don\'t agree with the church. I am not Mormon. My boys are not Mormon. We never will be. I\'m sorry you feel bad about this. I still love my Mormon family.\"</p>\n<p>This is not the first \"disappointed\" message. There have been MANY! Letters, emails, phone calls, Facebook messages, face-to-face discussions, etc.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>dagny<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nWow. You were polite and to the point. Good for you.</p>\n<p>I would be tempted to say, \"Mom, no one responded when my son Billy got his official SpongeBob Club membership either.\"</p>\n<hr />\n<p>Lurker From Beyond<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nI\'ve always taken the position that if someone is disappointed in me, that\'s their issue, not mine.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>rexburgtoaz<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nThank you. Well said. That makes me feel better.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>thingsithink<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nWow, quick recovery. I\'m impressed.</p>\n<p>Those types of comments are hard for me to shake.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>rexburgtoaz<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nThese comments are still hard to shake. I put on a good front. But, LurkerFromBeyond made me think about how, their issues are not mine.</p>\n<hr />\nnewnamenephi<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nSoon after we left the church my mom sent the kids a card to tell them she loved them. But in it she wrote, \"when I think of you it makes me sad...\" This was to her 15, 13 and 11 year old grandchildren.\n<p>My wife freaking flipped out! She called my mom and gave her a piece of her mind. We told her the decision to leave the church was ours (as the parents) and the kids had done nothing to warrant my mother being sad about!</p>\n<p>In my follow up conversation to her, I said, \"if you want to be sad at somebody, write the church leadership and tell them you\'re sad they lie, hide, and obfuscate the truth!\"</p>\n<p>I got her to watch John Dehlin\'s video about why people leave the church. Things have been pretty good since for us.</p>\n<p>I feel your pain though. To a Mormon, it\'s all about them and their feelings!</p>\n<hr />\nanagrammy<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nCongratulations!\n<p>THe best all time response to \"I\'m disappointed in you\" is</p>\n<p>\"I love you\" in some form.</p>\n<p>One of the greatest things I have ever learned is that I do not have to respond/address everything anybody says to me. I am not a puppet on a string, I can just nod. I can shrug or simply say nothing. This is a response.</p>\n<p>Your silence to the baptismal announcement was a response.</p>\n<p>You are handling this onslaught of hysteria very well--you can be proud of yourself.</p>\n<p>Sometimes I think the TBM reaction is to try to push your buttons to get you to BE the angry, bitter anti-Mormon they have projected on you.</p>\n<p>Anagrammy</p>\n<hr />\nrexburgtoaz<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nWow, I didn\'t even know I was responding to them correctly. Thank you!\n<p>I am currently holding back a flood of tears. My own mother can\'t see why I would feel bad every single time she tells me that she is disappointed in ME, her own daughter.</p>\n<hr />\nLurker From Beyond<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nUm, rex, your mother wants you to feel bad - that\'s why she\'s saying that she\'s disappointed in you - so that you will do what she wants you to do instead of what you want to do.\n<p>She\'s manipulating you emotionally so that you will behave in the way she wants you to behave.</p>\n<p>The trick here is to remember that you are no longer a child. You are an adult and you get to do what you want to do even if it disappoints your mother.</p>\n<hr />\nsouthern<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nagreed. This is a classic move from emotionally manipulative mommies. It\'s not that she isnt aware that her being \"disappointed in you\" makes you feel bad, it is her intention to make you feel bad. I do think that you responded appropriately but do keep in mind for yourself that this is no accident, she is attempting to pull strings. There is intention behind her words.\n<p>I\'m sorry you are dealing with this junk, it\'s a too-common theme :/</p>\n<hr />\nmadalice<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nHere\'s the deal. I\'m disappointed in my parents and siblings who refuse to even acknowledge, read up on, or look at my reasons for leaving the church. You would think if it was soooo important to them they would want to know exactly why I made the life changing<br />\ndifficult decision I did. If anyone should be disappointed, it should be me.\n<p>rexburgtoaz<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nDo our families really think we left the church because of a trivial reason? I have REAL reasons. Reasons that have to do with truth and lies. Reasons that are beyond being offended.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>donbagley<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nTo Mormons the word \"disappointed\" carries a boatload of meaning, including shame, guilt, passive-aggression, betrayal, chastisement, accusation, denial, shunning and fear.</p>\n<hr />\nsummer<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nI agree with those who say that your mom is playing you (and would add that she\'s quite expert at it.) She knows exactly how to push your buttons. So if I were you, I\'d figure out a way to play her right back, i.e. \"Mom, for someone who has the gospel, you spend an awful lot of time feeling disappointed.\"\n<hr />\nJoesphsmyth<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nYour family will never assume you had a legitimate reason for leaving the church, they will most likely blame it on sin and satan having control of your life. Your response to your TBM mom was perfect. Taking the high road when your mom is clearly being manipulative is usually the best approach. Her purpose in her comments was to derail your emotions; with the loving response you provided you showed her that you are in control of your emotions, her manipulation tactic didn\'t work, you showed love even though she thinks satan has control of you. This will cause your mom to look at her own heart a little more, and will hopefully help plant a seed. Good Job!\n<p>mew<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nThere is more to life then the church. She should be proud of you, her daughter because you are a great mom, wife, citizen, etc. You left the church for hellsake, you didn\'t murder someone or become a prostitute, or strung out on drugs, I mean come on!! I feel for you and she should just be proud of who you are.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>mew<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nEven if you left solely because you were offended who cares. The point is you left. Period. There is no further discussion and frankly is nobody\'s business why. :)</p>\n<hr />\n<p>anagrammy<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nDisappointment comes from expectations being frustrated.</p>\n<p>Your parents raised you to be a fully functional, honest adult, right?</p>\n<p>And you have exercised your right under the plan of Jesus to choose, right?</p>\n<p>SO.... would she rather have Satan\'s plan in which you have no choice? Because it appears that she is attempting to punish you for not having chosen the \"right\"(in her opinion)</p>\n<p>Which means she is acting exactly as Satan proposed.</p>\n<p>Now I wouldn\'t put it to her so bluntly, but there\'s nothing wrong with gently reminding her that Jesus\' plan can only exist here on earth if his chosen people, the Mormons, don\'t fight for the rights of people to choose.</p>\n<p>This is her test, you could say, or her opportunity to demonstrate her support of Jesus\' plan of free agency by supporting you in your adult decision to find life\'s meaning in another way than the one they chose.</p>\n<p>The grief you feel is the realization that you were not loved unconditionally. The comforting part is that this is NOT deliberate meanness or any such thing. A brainwashed victim of a cult has genuine diminished capacity and acts in a scripted fashion.</p>\n<p>Remember, the church has told her that if you let go of the iron rod, it is her fault. You are a jewel in her crown and her only purpose in life that has any value is to \"bring you to HF together with your family in the CK.\" She has had that drilled into her week after week after week. Nothing compensates for failure in the home.</p>\n<p>I saw women in complete despair when their adult children made their own decisions. I pointed out that they raised them to make their own decisions, right? And to fulfill their own destiny...yet they wept because the destiny their children chose was not what they wanted for them.</p>\n<p>Your mother\'s behavior is contradictory to her deepest instinct of maternal love. Only the most severely Mormon and dysfunctional mothers will abandon their children who choose a different church.</p>\n<p>I am getting to an important point here to comfort you and that is that this is not at all about you, anything you did (even leaving the church). It is your mother facing one of life\'s truths that all of us older women have had to come to terms with:</p>\n<p>We don\'t own our children.</p>\n<p>You didn\'t invent that fact and even had you stayed Mormon, you will \"disappoint\" your mother. HOney, I certainly disappointed mine because her vision of my perfect future disagreed with my vision and it was MY life.</p>\n<p>Cry your eyes out until you feel drained, then walk into a future which will certainly contain a more realistic mother. She will get used to the idea that you are not Mormon and she will see that you are not a hooker, a drug dealer, or a criminal and will begin to defend you---YES, I have seen it many times!!!!</p>\n<p>In my own life and those who post here.</p>\n<p>Hugs</p>\n<p>Anagrammy</p>\n<hr />\nrexburgtoaz<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nThank you to those who came to my rescue last night. I was truly at the lowest I\'ve been in a while. I cried my darn eyes out, fell asleep with puffy eyes, and now I am ready to face the new day.\n<p>I have 2 beautiful boys who need me to get up, make breakfast, take them to the park, wipe their handsome messy faces after they\'ve devoured lunch, and be THEIR loving mom.</p>\n<hr />\nCali Sally<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nSo, did this invitation from your sister have RSVP written on it? If it did, the proper response would have been a note saying only if you were/were not going to be in attendance. If there was no RSVP her message was simply an announcement. Announcements, even wedding announcements, do not require a response.\n<p>I have found that Mormons (especially in Utah) generally know nothing about proper etiquette. Why don\'t you send your sister and mother a copy of \"Emily Post\" and mark the page regarding invitations and announcements. They obviously don\'t know the difference.</p>\n<p>Just as a side note, if you were to decline such an invitation or even a wedding invitation, there is absolutely no intimation in doing so that you are mad, upset, or angry. It is simply a note saying you will not be attending. If they assume such they are just jumping to a conclusion. When your mother attacked you for not responding to the announcement you could have replied that it didn\'t say anywhere on the announcement that you were invited or that it required an RSVP. Mom was way out of line.</p>\n<hr />\nrexburgtoaz<br />\nRe: Got the \"I\'m Disappointed In You\" message from my Mom<br />\nCali Sally, You\'re completely right! This was not an invitation. There was no RSVP written on it. It was strictly an announcement.\n<p>\"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org\"</p>\n', created = 1493450599, expire = 1493536999, headers = '', serialized = 0 WHERE cid = '2:085d7d798d02ba4f952a3cdaaa379f10' in /home/exmormon/public_html/d6/drupal/includes/cache.inc on line 112.

rexburgtoaz Nov. 2013

Message from my TBM mom on Facebook: "I heard you didn't respond to your sister when she sent you the baptism announcement for -----. She feels really bad. You should be sharing it with your boys, as this was a big part of their cousin's life."

I responded: "Mom I love you. I didn't mean to make ----- feel bad. I will call her. I didn't comment to her because I don't agree with the church. I am not Mormon. My boys are not Mormon. We never will be. I'm sorry you feel bad about this. I still love my Mormon family."

This is not the first "disappointed" message. There have been MANY! Letters, emails, phone calls, Facebook messages, face-to-face discussions, etc.


dagny
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Wow. You were polite and to the point. Good for you.

I would be tempted to say, "Mom, no one responded when my son Billy got his official SpongeBob Club membership either."


Lurker From Beyond
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
I've always taken the position that if someone is disappointed in me, that's their issue, not mine.


rexburgtoaz
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Thank you. Well said. That makes me feel better.


thingsithink
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Wow, quick recovery. I'm impressed.

Those types of comments are hard for me to shake.


rexburgtoaz
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
These comments are still hard to shake. I put on a good front. But, LurkerFromBeyond made me think about how, their issues are not mine.


newnamenephi
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Soon after we left the church my mom sent the kids a card to tell them she loved them. But in it she wrote, "when I think of you it makes me sad..." This was to her 15, 13 and 11 year old grandchildren.

My wife freaking flipped out! She called my mom and gave her a piece of her mind. We told her the decision to leave the church was ours (as the parents) and the kids had done nothing to warrant my mother being sad about!

In my follow up conversation to her, I said, "if you want to be sad at somebody, write the church leadership and tell them you're sad they lie, hide, and obfuscate the truth!"

I got her to watch John Dehlin's video about why people leave the church. Things have been pretty good since for us.

I feel your pain though. To a Mormon, it's all about them and their feelings!


anagrammy
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Congratulations!

THe best all time response to "I'm disappointed in you" is

"I love you" in some form.

One of the greatest things I have ever learned is that I do not have to respond/address everything anybody says to me. I am not a puppet on a string, I can just nod. I can shrug or simply say nothing. This is a response.

Your silence to the baptismal announcement was a response.

You are handling this onslaught of hysteria very well--you can be proud of yourself.

Sometimes I think the TBM reaction is to try to push your buttons to get you to BE the angry, bitter anti-Mormon they have projected on you.

Anagrammy


rexburgtoaz
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Wow, I didn't even know I was responding to them correctly. Thank you!

I am currently holding back a flood of tears. My own mother can't see why I would feel bad every single time she tells me that she is disappointed in ME, her own daughter.


Lurker From Beyond
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Um, rex, your mother wants you to feel bad - that's why she's saying that she's disappointed in you - so that you will do what she wants you to do instead of what you want to do.

She's manipulating you emotionally so that you will behave in the way she wants you to behave.

The trick here is to remember that you are no longer a child. You are an adult and you get to do what you want to do even if it disappoints your mother.


southern
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
agreed. This is a classic move from emotionally manipulative mommies. It's not that she isnt aware that her being "disappointed in you" makes you feel bad, it is her intention to make you feel bad. I do think that you responded appropriately but do keep in mind for yourself that this is no accident, she is attempting to pull strings. There is intention behind her words.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this junk, it's a too-common theme :/


madalice
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Here's the deal. I'm disappointed in my parents and siblings who refuse to even acknowledge, read up on, or look at my reasons for leaving the church. You would think if it was soooo important to them they would want to know exactly why I made the life changing
difficult decision I did. If anyone should be disappointed, it should be me.

rexburgtoaz
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Do our families really think we left the church because of a trivial reason? I have REAL reasons. Reasons that have to do with truth and lies. Reasons that are beyond being offended.


donbagley
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
To Mormons the word "disappointed" carries a boatload of meaning, including shame, guilt, passive-aggression, betrayal, chastisement, accusation, denial, shunning and fear.


summer
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
I agree with those who say that your mom is playing you (and would add that she's quite expert at it.) She knows exactly how to push your buttons. So if I were you, I'd figure out a way to play her right back, i.e. "Mom, for someone who has the gospel, you spend an awful lot of time feeling disappointed."
Joesphsmyth
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Your family will never assume you had a legitimate reason for leaving the church, they will most likely blame it on sin and satan having control of your life. Your response to your TBM mom was perfect. Taking the high road when your mom is clearly being manipulative is usually the best approach. Her purpose in her comments was to derail your emotions; with the loving response you provided you showed her that you are in control of your emotions, her manipulation tactic didn't work, you showed love even though she thinks satan has control of you. This will cause your mom to look at her own heart a little more, and will hopefully help plant a seed. Good Job!

mew
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
There is more to life then the church. She should be proud of you, her daughter because you are a great mom, wife, citizen, etc. You left the church for hellsake, you didn't murder someone or become a prostitute, or strung out on drugs, I mean come on!! I feel for you and she should just be proud of who you are.


mew
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Even if you left solely because you were offended who cares. The point is you left. Period. There is no further discussion and frankly is nobody's business why. :)


anagrammy
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Disappointment comes from expectations being frustrated.

Your parents raised you to be a fully functional, honest adult, right?

And you have exercised your right under the plan of Jesus to choose, right?

SO.... would she rather have Satan's plan in which you have no choice? Because it appears that she is attempting to punish you for not having chosen the "right"(in her opinion)

Which means she is acting exactly as Satan proposed.

Now I wouldn't put it to her so bluntly, but there's nothing wrong with gently reminding her that Jesus' plan can only exist here on earth if his chosen people, the Mormons, don't fight for the rights of people to choose.

This is her test, you could say, or her opportunity to demonstrate her support of Jesus' plan of free agency by supporting you in your adult decision to find life's meaning in another way than the one they chose.

The grief you feel is the realization that you were not loved unconditionally. The comforting part is that this is NOT deliberate meanness or any such thing. A brainwashed victim of a cult has genuine diminished capacity and acts in a scripted fashion.

Remember, the church has told her that if you let go of the iron rod, it is her fault. You are a jewel in her crown and her only purpose in life that has any value is to "bring you to HF together with your family in the CK." She has had that drilled into her week after week after week. Nothing compensates for failure in the home.

I saw women in complete despair when their adult children made their own decisions. I pointed out that they raised them to make their own decisions, right? And to fulfill their own destiny...yet they wept because the destiny their children chose was not what they wanted for them.

Your mother's behavior is contradictory to her deepest instinct of maternal love. Only the most severely Mormon and dysfunctional mothers will abandon their children who choose a different church.

I am getting to an important point here to comfort you and that is that this is not at all about you, anything you did (even leaving the church). It is your mother facing one of life's truths that all of us older women have had to come to terms with:

We don't own our children.

You didn't invent that fact and even had you stayed Mormon, you will "disappoint" your mother. HOney, I certainly disappointed mine because her vision of my perfect future disagreed with my vision and it was MY life.

Cry your eyes out until you feel drained, then walk into a future which will certainly contain a more realistic mother. She will get used to the idea that you are not Mormon and she will see that you are not a hooker, a drug dealer, or a criminal and will begin to defend you---YES, I have seen it many times!!!!

In my own life and those who post here.

Hugs

Anagrammy


rexburgtoaz
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Thank you to those who came to my rescue last night. I was truly at the lowest I've been in a while. I cried my darn eyes out, fell asleep with puffy eyes, and now I am ready to face the new day.

I have 2 beautiful boys who need me to get up, make breakfast, take them to the park, wipe their handsome messy faces after they've devoured lunch, and be THEIR loving mom.


Cali Sally
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
So, did this invitation from your sister have RSVP written on it? If it did, the proper response would have been a note saying only if you were/were not going to be in attendance. If there was no RSVP her message was simply an announcement. Announcements, even wedding announcements, do not require a response.

I have found that Mormons (especially in Utah) generally know nothing about proper etiquette. Why don't you send your sister and mother a copy of "Emily Post" and mark the page regarding invitations and announcements. They obviously don't know the difference.

Just as a side note, if you were to decline such an invitation or even a wedding invitation, there is absolutely no intimation in doing so that you are mad, upset, or angry. It is simply a note saying you will not be attending. If they assume such they are just jumping to a conclusion. When your mother attacked you for not responding to the announcement you could have replied that it didn't say anywhere on the announcement that you were invited or that it required an RSVP. Mom was way out of line.


rexburgtoaz
Re: Got the "I'm Disappointed In You" message from my Mom
Cali Sally, You're completely right! This was not an invitation. There was no RSVP written on it. It was strictly an announcement.

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"