1st bitter experience with family finding out

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  • user warning: Table './exmo_08072012/cache_filter' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: UPDATE cache_filter SET data = '<p>truly82 Aug 2013</p>\n<p>So my husbands brother had a baby and is having it blessed this Sunday. They are having a luncheon after. We have just recently resigned and have not told any family yet. We have also not decided how we want to go about telling family, but I don\'t want to do it by text message. We have chosen to still support family and their decisions but we don\'t feel comfortable bringing our young children to certain functions, like blessings or baptisms</p>\n<p>, for it is too confusing for them why they won\'t be doing it. Anyways, here\'s a conversation by text we had today:</p>\n<p>It starts by them asking us to bring Chips for 20 people, which we are happy to do. Also I confirmed they are only going to the Sacrament meeting, not all 3 hours.</p>\n<p>Me: We won\'t be able to come to the church part, but we\'ll for sure see you all after at your house.</p>\n<p>SIL: But the blessing is the most important part.......</p>\n<p>Me: I know, we\'re sorry.</p>\n<p>SIL: This is \'brother in law\'. If you want to come to the after party, you have to come support us, and \'Baby\' at church. Otherwise we\'ll get chips from someone else.</p>\n<p>Me: We\'d like to support you all the best way we can. :/ If you change your mind, please let us know. (Signed my husband and my name)</p>\n<p>SIL: Why can\'t you come to sacrament? We want you to come but We feel like you are just coming because there is food.</p>\n<p>Me: It\'s not that at all. Personal conflicts. If you\'d prefer, we won\'t bring or eat anything. (They don\'t live close at all.)</p>\n<p>SIL: If it is worthiness issues then \'my husband\' does not have to stand in the circle, but you could at least come and sit in sacrament meeting right?</p>\n<p>Me: Worthiness issues? Wtf?</p>\n<p>SIL: Well then what is it? We want you to be there, you are family. What else would cause some to not come to a family baby blessing? We are not trying to judge.</p>\n<p>ME: Sorry, it\'s personal. If it\'s such a big deal we won\'t go.</p>\n<p>SIL: Well it is a big deal and it is called: \"being considerate\". I don\'t want to know about personal stuff but at least tell us why an hour earlier wont work for you.... do you see why we wonder?</p>\n<p>ME: No. Being considerate is also being respectful. We are going at all to be supportive. We can get lunch closer to home, not out there. You didn\'t have to be so harsh and judgemental. I would\'ve thought, \"That\'s too bad, we\'ll miss you. See you after though.\" Or something along those lines would\'ve been nicer.</p>\n<p>SIL: We are not trying to be judgemental. We were just letting you know how we feel. We do not understand. We would love you all to be there but it is up to you.</p>\n<p>****End of messages****</p>\n<p>We haven\'t even told them we left yet, I can only imagine how we\'ll be treated then. I just don\'t want to tell anyone over a text message and I also don\'t want to make something up and lie anymore. After all those messages, we don\'t feel welcome anymore and aren\'t sure if we still wanna go or not. I\'m looking for support, suggestions, or just plain brainstorming to decide what we want to do. We also have another baby blessing coming by next month (same side of family).</p>\n<p>I\'m not looking forward to the inevitable drama to come. :/</p>\n<hr />\nreleve<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nIf you don\'t tell them the truth, they are going to make up their own reasons. Most of leaving TSCC is really, really good, but what your facing, that\'s the bad part. I wish there was a way that you wouldn\'t have to do the bad part. Good Luck!\n<hr />\n<p>Greyfort<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nMaybe church functions will have to be something that you skip, if it\'s going to cause so much drama.</p>\n<p>It\'s crazy for them to have gotten that dramatic over something so small.</p>\n<hr />\nonendagus<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nI would probably just take my family and go. I wouldn\'t JADE at all though--Justify, argue, defend or explain. Let them ease into the idea that things have changed but it is none of their business.\n<p>Once you are more comfortable with your non-mormonness it will get easier with these types of things. I think it takes a while for exmos and mo\'s to get used to the new normal.</p>\n<p>Regarding the kids, i would teach them how to think rather than what to think like the mormons do. If you do that, i don\'t think you will have any problem raising children with ethics who will be able to see the mormon church for what it is. I like the book, Raising Free Thinkers, A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief. I guess that is only if you are non-religious now.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>nonmo_1<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\n\"Me: I know, we\'re sorry.\"</p>\n<p>don\'t apologize...you have nothing to be sorry for..</p>\n<hr />\n<p>blueorchid<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nMaybe you haven\'t told them, but it sure sounds like they have an idea and are fishing.</p>\n<p>Your response that it was personal is extremely appropriate, and anyone with a smidgeon of class and the slightest clue what graciousness is would have respected that. Unfortunately these are Mormons--or the \"boundaries-challenged\" as they are more commonly known in a PC world.</p>\n<p>You have every right to continue to cite that your actions are for personal reasons, not only for the baby blessing but for all future events. The less said the better because you can\'t win anyway. If you come out and tell them, you will be the bitter apostates who just wanted to sin--pawns of Satan. IF you don\'t tell them, it will drive them nuts. I would definitely choose door number two. You need to get something out of this.</p>\n<p>Mormons can\'t handle a mystery, and really can\'t handle someone who won\'t play their game. Don\'t suit up and don\'t catch the ball. That is your trump card. I wouldn\'t give it up.</p>\n<p>Whatever you do should be in your own time and own way.</p>\n<hr />\nscully<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nI agree with blueorchid. I think they sense something is up and were pushing to know the reason.\n<p>Good responses to their invasive questioning.</p>\n<p>Going from personal reasons to worthiness issues? Now THAT escalated quickly!</p>\n<hr />\n<p>houseonsand<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nWhen I told my family \"I\'m doubting the church\" I think they heard \"I don\'t think I love you anymore\".</p>\n<p>For me, I have taken the slow road, easing family in on my doubts. I told them point blank a while ago that I have doubt, but after a few really hard weeks I now tell them that I am \'working through things\'. I\'m trying to drop the news slowly. I still go to church, but I asked to be released from my calling.<br />\nI think this way is best for me, but it will be different for everyone.</p>\n<p>Its your decision on what is best for you and your family.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>Surrender Dorothy<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\n\"SIL: This is \'brother in law\'. If you want to come to the after party, you have to come support us, and \'Baby\' at church. Otherwise we\'ll get chips from someone else.\"</p>\n<p>I think the BIL made the decision for you. That\'s an ultimatum. Come to the blessing or don\'t come at all. You were very diplomatic while he puked his misperceptions all over you. Such a shining example of Christ-like love from a Christian. He was a total jerk.</p>\n<p>If you go, will they bombard you with questions? If you answer honestly, you will be accused of ruining the baby\'s blessing party. I see all kinds of possibilities for what could go wrong but not a lot of positives.</p>\n<p>Good luck. Don\'t let them shame you. Shame is a tool the self-righteous, one-true-church-ers wield to get you back in goose-stepping formation. You deserve better, my dear.</p>\n<hr />\nblueorchid<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nHa ha. It does sound like a new world record on getting to the worthiness issue. Under a minute! I\'m impressed.\n<hr />\nChloe<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nMormons are seriously lacking in respect for personal boundaries.\n<p>Nagging someone about the whys and wherefores is childish and rude.</p>\n<p>But so typically Mormon for their intrusiveness.</p>\n<hr />\nDave the Atheist<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nThey are acting like they cannot be mormons unless you \"sustain\" them.\n<hr />\nMia<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nCome to the blessing or don\'t come at all???<br />\nMy my.<br />\nToo bad Mormons aren\'t so demanding when it comes to weddings!<br />\nWell, i\'d like to come, but they won\'t let me in!\n<p>When this child gets married you\'ll be invited to all the receptions they have. Nobody will even suggest that you show up for the wedding.</p>\n<p>You would think a mormon would be perfectly comfortable with your suggestion.</p>\n<hr />\nblueorchid<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\n\"Shame is a tool the self-righteous, one-true-church-ers wield to get you back in goose-stepping formation.\"\n<p>So true, but even better is what a great line that is.</p>\n<hr />\nnewcomer<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nWell, tell them you\'re there for the baby AND the food.\n<p>Gosh, I hate people sometimes.</p>\n<p>I love how they invite you to something and tell you what you need to bring, and what you need to do exactly to the minute. You can\'t just come and be at ease; no, you have to bring chips and you have to be there for the entire event or else they\'ll badger you.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>snuckafoodberry<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nThey want you to spill the beans. In my opinion that is all this is about. Wanting to know why.</p>\n<hr />\nGreyfort<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nblueorchid Wrote:<br />\n-------------------------------------------------------<br />\n&gt;<br />\n&gt; So true, but even better is what a great line that<br />\n&gt; is.\n<p>I\'ll second that.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>Renie<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nThis mioght be a little off topic..but it is a normal Mormon thing for people to bring something to a party that they\'ve been invited to? For me and my family, if it was a family holiday gathering that everyone was just getting together and it happened to be my house, then, yes everyone brings something, BUT I couldn\'t imagine asking anyone to bring food to a party that I was throwing for a baptism, graduation, etc.</p>\n<hr />\nBrother Of Jerry<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nTextbook case of how LDS Inc uses family as a hammer to keep you in line.\n<p>I\'d tell them after the blessing. They already know something is up. Might as well dispense with the innuendo and start dealing with reality, even if reality is not Mormons\' strong suit.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>NeverMo in CA<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out</p>\n<p>Wedding etiquette also requires bringing or sending a nice gift, though. Gotta at least invite folks to the reception to get your handout. :-)</p>\n<hr />\nbizquick<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nWow, just WOW.\n<p>As mentioned before brother-in-law gave you an ultimatum, \"If you want to come to the after party, you have to come support us, and \'Baby\' at church. Otherwise we\'ll get chips from someone else.\"</p>\n<p>Let them find someone else to bring chips, and enjoy your Sunday!</p>\n<hr />\n<p>blueorchid<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nYeah. And they\'re not looking for potato chips this time either.</p>\n<hr />\ncloser2fine<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nPick two! Pick two!\n<hr />\n<p>truly82<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nI was trying to not sound like a prick, but you\'re right.</p>\n<hr />\ntruly82<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nNon-religious. I\'ll check out that book. Thanks!\n<hr />\nsuzanne<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nseriously wtf? that is so crazy! i dont think it is especially unique to your family, but this illustrates the crazy crap TSCC programs your family\'s mind to thing is okay.\n<p>you need to come out and tell them. they are trying to force your hand...</p>\n<hr />\ntruly82<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nMy thoughts exactly!\n<hr />\nBattle-ax<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nI agree you don\'t tell them via text. Either a phone call or letter I think is best. In person I think is the one with the most potential problems. I did phone.\n<p>After severally years of experience we decided not to go to church events put the party part if invited. Going to church is useless in that you are left out since the members perform the oridence as apposed to a priest or pastor. You are left out and made to feel like a second class person. We decided no more. Plus church is like ground hog day some old same old even after several years. Still the same old mindless talks and music. The only good part it reinforces that you are missing nothing.</p>\n<p>On the other hand no matter how you handle it buckle up and prepare to be hurt marginalized soft shunned and at times creamed by your family. Expect it, it\'s like a snake its in their nature to bite you. I\'m also sorry to say things will come in waves but I don\'t think it will ever end or get a lot better. It\'s been eight years and we still get @#$%&amp; from family. It one of the evils the church in a round about way teaches.</p>\n<p>To end on a positive note though. Remember freedom and freedom of thought is priceless. So if it is priceless then it doesn\'t matter the cost it is worth it. As the years go on when you are around them show them you are happy and ok. It will drive them nuts. Good luck in your journey and remember this board is always here to vent and get advice.</p>\n<hr />\nAnotherNoMo<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nAgree totally with this. They will get EVERYONE at the after party on your case. The ultimatum was succinct. Leave it alone. Don\'t go. You\'ve been set up!\n<hr />\n<p>sizterh<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nWow, they must be serving some great food if they think thats why you are coming. Oh, wait, YOU have to bring stuff. Don\'t go.</p>\n<hr />\ncloser2fine<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nHoly fetch... nosy much?\n<p>Oh I don\'t want to be judgmental, but I\'m not going to let this drop until you tell me about your worthiness issue!</p>\n<p>Good grief don\'t ever delete those texts. And bring them up all the time to show their complete lack of manners!</p>\n<p>You can\'t support us unless you do it our way! Unbelievable! I would NOT go. And if they act hurt you make sure they know its you who are hurt, by their utterly rude and offensive behavior!</p>\n<p>Oh and I don\'t think you need to tell them anything. It is none of their business. Your families faith is your own business, and you don\'t owe them any explanations!</p>\n<hr />\n<p>ishmael<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nThis observation really illuminates one of the chief problems that people who leave the fold face.</p>\n<p>Mormons are programmed to equate allegiance of family and church. And anyone who stops equating the two is some kind of an apostate. The programming runs so deep. When you leave the church, it must mean that you don\'t love your family. Why else would you opt out of the celestial togetherness?</p>\n<p>There are many insidious mindfracks the institution does to people, but this is one of the worst. Somehow they are brainwashed to hear \"you are threatening the sanctity of the whole family\" if you say \"I am leaving the church.\" Because church equals family, it is like saying, \"I am leaving the family.\"</p>\n<p>A similar thing happens when a TBM divorces a spouse that quits the church.</p>\n<p>In reality, you know--reality, not the bubble TBMs live in--when someone leaves the church and their TBM family shuns them, it is the TBM family who quits the family by excising one of its formerly loved members.</p>\n<p>The conditional love is revealed. To the \"apostate.\" But not to the believers.</p>\n<p>Someone who equates family and church can justify the shunning because by leaving the church, they think, the family member opted to leave the family. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but being far from the truth is one of the definitions and requirements of being a TBM.</p>\n<p>The reverse logic does not mean anything to them. There are families that split and remarriages occur and everyone stays in the TBM end of the pool (where it rains occasionally). In other words, people can leave the family through divorce, but they are not automatically considered to have left the church and the judgment and shunning are considerably less, given the nature of divorce. One\'s family does not say, you broke up your family, so you are an apostate.</p>\n<p>And therefore the church\'s upper hand in this double standard is revealed. The necessity of conformity to the church is reinforced.</p>\n<p>The worst part of it is that the TBMs who shun and break up their families through their judgments get a big self righteousness bisquit. At the expense of a family relationship. TBMs get to keep their delusion, their worthiness, their godhood, their celestial polygamy, and all the trimmings.</p>\n<p>Expelled into the lone and dreary world of reality, the \"apostate\" is left with integrity intact and a sense of living without collective delusion.</p>\n<p>I think the shunning of family members and instant divorces are the worst byproducts of Mormonism. I know it doesn\'t happen in every single instance. There are plenty of stories of parents and their children getting out intact, but even there, somewhere in the extended family network, there is probably an instance of shunning.</p>\n<p>Church equals family and family equals church.</p>\n<p>Two plus two equals zero. And Big Brother won\'t talk to me anymore.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>MJ<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nA possible response:</p>\n<p>Dear SIL, we are all adults here and we do not need to justify why we can not make it to an event to you or anyone else. It simply is none of your business. As we have said, we can not make it to sacrament, but we can make it to the gathering afterwords. Either that is good enough for you and we are welcome, or it is not good enough for you and we are not welcome, your choice. If it is not good enough for you, it is you that is rejecting use, not the other way around.</p>\n<hr />\n<p>CA girl<br />\nRe: 1st bitter experience with family finding out<br />\nAnd if anyone asks you why you weren\'t there, tell them \"Bob and Jane told us not to come. We couldn\'t make it for the blessing since we had an obligation we couldn\'t get out of - but we would have liked to come afterward and see everyone.\"</p>\n<hr />\nishmael<br />\np.s. Has SIL always been such a<br />\nNotice how SIL runs to the household priesthood holder after you set the boundary the first time. Looks as if he answers from her account.\n<p>Run to daddy, little girl.</p>\n<p>Hard to find respect for SIL tattling and sniveling.</p>\n<p>Pathetic.</p>\n<hr />\nJoy<br />\nGo ahead, and let that unimportant SIL accuse you of freeloading for food.<br />\nHell, I would not go at all. I believe that prayers should be private, and that\'s all a \"blessing\" is. I regret going to my grandchild\'s \"blessing.\" It was held at the in-law\'s house, and all the men were called to be in the prayer circle, except for my sons, who sat there, humiliated. Never again. I just say, \"Well, you do your Mormon things, and I do my Lutheran things. It is all made-up stuff, anyway.\n<p>I get too angry when Mormons accuse me of being \"unworthy.\" My integrity and morality is something that has guided my whole life, personally, and in business. Fortunately, my relationships and career seem to be \"Mormon-proof\" right now.</p>\n<p>I\'m glad you live away. Make new non-Mormon friends. Start your own family traditions, like the celebration of the Equinox, or the anniversary of the day you bought your car, or whatever.</p>\n<p>Your SIL is negating you and your husband. She is accusing you both of being bad people, LESSER people, and not up to the standards of the rest of the family. She might be the only one doing this, so you need to keep your newly-opened mind open to the fact that perhaps not everyone in your family will have this reaction.</p>\n<p>Why do we ex-Mormons have to walk on eggshells, and bow and scrape to the Mormons, when the Mormons are the ones who have deceived us and taken our money, and who try to hijack our children.</p>\n<p>Save your reputation, and tell your family the truth, in a nice way. You don\'t have to tell them anything negative about their precious cult, either. Just tell them that you are Lutherans, now, or that you\'ve decided to follow Christ instead of Joseph Smith, or that you want your children to be raised without Mormonism, to decide for themselves, etc. There are a lot of positive statements you can make, if you are afraid of rocking the boat. My cousin told his family that he was \"taking a break from church for a while.\" He attended all the family functions, but did not participate in the religious ones. For example, he would probably not go to the blessing at all, but would show up for the after-party.</p>\n<p>I would rather be accused as a food-mongering freeloader than someone who is \"unworthy\" of God\'s love!</p>\n<p>\"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org\"</p>\n', created = 1490336014, expire = 1490422414, headers = '', serialized = 0 WHERE cid = '2:8fe632a02940c9bc7a95fd48eb0c2e30' in /home/exmormon/public_html/d6/drupal/includes/cache.inc on line 112.

truly82 Aug 2013

So my husbands brother had a baby and is having it blessed this Sunday. They are having a luncheon after. We have just recently resigned and have not told any family yet. We have also not decided how we want to go about telling family, but I don't want to do it by text message. We have chosen to still support family and their decisions but we don't feel comfortable bringing our young children to certain functions, like blessings or baptisms

, for it is too confusing for them why they won't be doing it. Anyways, here's a conversation by text we had today:

It starts by them asking us to bring Chips for 20 people, which we are happy to do. Also I confirmed they are only going to the Sacrament meeting, not all 3 hours.

Me: We won't be able to come to the church part, but we'll for sure see you all after at your house.

SIL: But the blessing is the most important part.......

Me: I know, we're sorry.

SIL: This is 'brother in law'. If you want to come to the after party, you have to come support us, and 'Baby' at church. Otherwise we'll get chips from someone else.

Me: We'd like to support you all the best way we can. :/ If you change your mind, please let us know. (Signed my husband and my name)

SIL: Why can't you come to sacrament? We want you to come but We feel like you are just coming because there is food.

Me: It's not that at all. Personal conflicts. If you'd prefer, we won't bring or eat anything. (They don't live close at all.)

SIL: If it is worthiness issues then 'my husband' does not have to stand in the circle, but you could at least come and sit in sacrament meeting right?

Me: Worthiness issues? Wtf?

SIL: Well then what is it? We want you to be there, you are family. What else would cause some to not come to a family baby blessing? We are not trying to judge.

ME: Sorry, it's personal. If it's such a big deal we won't go.

SIL: Well it is a big deal and it is called: "being considerate". I don't want to know about personal stuff but at least tell us why an hour earlier wont work for you.... do you see why we wonder?

ME: No. Being considerate is also being respectful. We are going at all to be supportive. We can get lunch closer to home, not out there. You didn't have to be so harsh and judgemental. I would've thought, "That's too bad, we'll miss you. See you after though." Or something along those lines would've been nicer.

SIL: We are not trying to be judgemental. We were just letting you know how we feel. We do not understand. We would love you all to be there but it is up to you.

****End of messages****

We haven't even told them we left yet, I can only imagine how we'll be treated then. I just don't want to tell anyone over a text message and I also don't want to make something up and lie anymore. After all those messages, we don't feel welcome anymore and aren't sure if we still wanna go or not. I'm looking for support, suggestions, or just plain brainstorming to decide what we want to do. We also have another baby blessing coming by next month (same side of family).

I'm not looking forward to the inevitable drama to come. :/


releve
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
If you don't tell them the truth, they are going to make up their own reasons. Most of leaving TSCC is really, really good, but what your facing, that's the bad part. I wish there was a way that you wouldn't have to do the bad part. Good Luck!

Greyfort
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Maybe church functions will have to be something that you skip, if it's going to cause so much drama.

It's crazy for them to have gotten that dramatic over something so small.


onendagus
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
I would probably just take my family and go. I wouldn't JADE at all though--Justify, argue, defend or explain. Let them ease into the idea that things have changed but it is none of their business.

Once you are more comfortable with your non-mormonness it will get easier with these types of things. I think it takes a while for exmos and mo's to get used to the new normal.

Regarding the kids, i would teach them how to think rather than what to think like the mormons do. If you do that, i don't think you will have any problem raising children with ethics who will be able to see the mormon church for what it is. I like the book, Raising Free Thinkers, A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief. I guess that is only if you are non-religious now.


nonmo_1
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
"Me: I know, we're sorry."

don't apologize...you have nothing to be sorry for..


blueorchid
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Maybe you haven't told them, but it sure sounds like they have an idea and are fishing.

Your response that it was personal is extremely appropriate, and anyone with a smidgeon of class and the slightest clue what graciousness is would have respected that. Unfortunately these are Mormons--or the "boundaries-challenged" as they are more commonly known in a PC world.

You have every right to continue to cite that your actions are for personal reasons, not only for the baby blessing but for all future events. The less said the better because you can't win anyway. If you come out and tell them, you will be the bitter apostates who just wanted to sin--pawns of Satan. IF you don't tell them, it will drive them nuts. I would definitely choose door number two. You need to get something out of this.

Mormons can't handle a mystery, and really can't handle someone who won't play their game. Don't suit up and don't catch the ball. That is your trump card. I wouldn't give it up.

Whatever you do should be in your own time and own way.


scully
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
I agree with blueorchid. I think they sense something is up and were pushing to know the reason.

Good responses to their invasive questioning.

Going from personal reasons to worthiness issues? Now THAT escalated quickly!


houseonsand
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
When I told my family "I'm doubting the church" I think they heard "I don't think I love you anymore".

For me, I have taken the slow road, easing family in on my doubts. I told them point blank a while ago that I have doubt, but after a few really hard weeks I now tell them that I am 'working through things'. I'm trying to drop the news slowly. I still go to church, but I asked to be released from my calling.
I think this way is best for me, but it will be different for everyone.

Its your decision on what is best for you and your family.


Surrender Dorothy
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
"SIL: This is 'brother in law'. If you want to come to the after party, you have to come support us, and 'Baby' at church. Otherwise we'll get chips from someone else."

I think the BIL made the decision for you. That's an ultimatum. Come to the blessing or don't come at all. You were very diplomatic while he puked his misperceptions all over you. Such a shining example of Christ-like love from a Christian. He was a total jerk.

If you go, will they bombard you with questions? If you answer honestly, you will be accused of ruining the baby's blessing party. I see all kinds of possibilities for what could go wrong but not a lot of positives.

Good luck. Don't let them shame you. Shame is a tool the self-righteous, one-true-church-ers wield to get you back in goose-stepping formation. You deserve better, my dear.


blueorchid
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Ha ha. It does sound like a new world record on getting to the worthiness issue. Under a minute! I'm impressed.
Chloe
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Mormons are seriously lacking in respect for personal boundaries.

Nagging someone about the whys and wherefores is childish and rude.

But so typically Mormon for their intrusiveness.


Dave the Atheist
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
They are acting like they cannot be mormons unless you "sustain" them.
Mia
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Come to the blessing or don't come at all???
My my.
Too bad Mormons aren't so demanding when it comes to weddings!
Well, i'd like to come, but they won't let me in!

When this child gets married you'll be invited to all the receptions they have. Nobody will even suggest that you show up for the wedding.

You would think a mormon would be perfectly comfortable with your suggestion.


blueorchid
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
"Shame is a tool the self-righteous, one-true-church-ers wield to get you back in goose-stepping formation."

So true, but even better is what a great line that is.


newcomer
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Well, tell them you're there for the baby AND the food.

Gosh, I hate people sometimes.

I love how they invite you to something and tell you what you need to bring, and what you need to do exactly to the minute. You can't just come and be at ease; no, you have to bring chips and you have to be there for the entire event or else they'll badger you.


snuckafoodberry
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
They want you to spill the beans. In my opinion that is all this is about. Wanting to know why.


Greyfort
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
blueorchid Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> So true, but even better is what a great line that
> is.

I'll second that.


Renie
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
This mioght be a little off topic..but it is a normal Mormon thing for people to bring something to a party that they've been invited to? For me and my family, if it was a family holiday gathering that everyone was just getting together and it happened to be my house, then, yes everyone brings something, BUT I couldn't imagine asking anyone to bring food to a party that I was throwing for a baptism, graduation, etc.


Brother Of Jerry
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Textbook case of how LDS Inc uses family as a hammer to keep you in line.

I'd tell them after the blessing. They already know something is up. Might as well dispense with the innuendo and start dealing with reality, even if reality is not Mormons' strong suit.


NeverMo in CA
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out

Wedding etiquette also requires bringing or sending a nice gift, though. Gotta at least invite folks to the reception to get your handout. :-)


bizquick
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Wow, just WOW.

As mentioned before brother-in-law gave you an ultimatum, "If you want to come to the after party, you have to come support us, and 'Baby' at church. Otherwise we'll get chips from someone else."

Let them find someone else to bring chips, and enjoy your Sunday!


blueorchid
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Yeah. And they're not looking for potato chips this time either.


closer2fine
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Pick two! Pick two!

truly82
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
I was trying to not sound like a prick, but you're right.


truly82
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Non-religious. I'll check out that book. Thanks!
suzanne
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
seriously wtf? that is so crazy! i dont think it is especially unique to your family, but this illustrates the crazy crap TSCC programs your family's mind to thing is okay.

you need to come out and tell them. they are trying to force your hand...


truly82
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
My thoughts exactly!
Battle-ax
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
I agree you don't tell them via text. Either a phone call or letter I think is best. In person I think is the one with the most potential problems. I did phone.

After severally years of experience we decided not to go to church events put the party part if invited. Going to church is useless in that you are left out since the members perform the oridence as apposed to a priest or pastor. You are left out and made to feel like a second class person. We decided no more. Plus church is like ground hog day some old same old even after several years. Still the same old mindless talks and music. The only good part it reinforces that you are missing nothing.

On the other hand no matter how you handle it buckle up and prepare to be hurt marginalized soft shunned and at times creamed by your family. Expect it, it's like a snake its in their nature to bite you. I'm also sorry to say things will come in waves but I don't think it will ever end or get a lot better. It's been eight years and we still get @#$%& from family. It one of the evils the church in a round about way teaches.

To end on a positive note though. Remember freedom and freedom of thought is priceless. So if it is priceless then it doesn't matter the cost it is worth it. As the years go on when you are around them show them you are happy and ok. It will drive them nuts. Good luck in your journey and remember this board is always here to vent and get advice.


AnotherNoMo
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Agree totally with this. They will get EVERYONE at the after party on your case. The ultimatum was succinct. Leave it alone. Don't go. You've been set up!

sizterh
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Wow, they must be serving some great food if they think thats why you are coming. Oh, wait, YOU have to bring stuff. Don't go.


closer2fine
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
Holy fetch... nosy much?

Oh I don't want to be judgmental, but I'm not going to let this drop until you tell me about your worthiness issue!

Good grief don't ever delete those texts. And bring them up all the time to show their complete lack of manners!

You can't support us unless you do it our way! Unbelievable! I would NOT go. And if they act hurt you make sure they know its you who are hurt, by their utterly rude and offensive behavior!

Oh and I don't think you need to tell them anything. It is none of their business. Your families faith is your own business, and you don't owe them any explanations!


ishmael
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
This observation really illuminates one of the chief problems that people who leave the fold face.

Mormons are programmed to equate allegiance of family and church. And anyone who stops equating the two is some kind of an apostate. The programming runs so deep. When you leave the church, it must mean that you don't love your family. Why else would you opt out of the celestial togetherness?

There are many insidious mindfracks the institution does to people, but this is one of the worst. Somehow they are brainwashed to hear "you are threatening the sanctity of the whole family" if you say "I am leaving the church." Because church equals family, it is like saying, "I am leaving the family."

A similar thing happens when a TBM divorces a spouse that quits the church.

In reality, you know--reality, not the bubble TBMs live in--when someone leaves the church and their TBM family shuns them, it is the TBM family who quits the family by excising one of its formerly loved members.

The conditional love is revealed. To the "apostate." But not to the believers.

Someone who equates family and church can justify the shunning because by leaving the church, they think, the family member opted to leave the family. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but being far from the truth is one of the definitions and requirements of being a TBM.

The reverse logic does not mean anything to them. There are families that split and remarriages occur and everyone stays in the TBM end of the pool (where it rains occasionally). In other words, people can leave the family through divorce, but they are not automatically considered to have left the church and the judgment and shunning are considerably less, given the nature of divorce. One's family does not say, you broke up your family, so you are an apostate.

And therefore the church's upper hand in this double standard is revealed. The necessity of conformity to the church is reinforced.

The worst part of it is that the TBMs who shun and break up their families through their judgments get a big self righteousness bisquit. At the expense of a family relationship. TBMs get to keep their delusion, their worthiness, their godhood, their celestial polygamy, and all the trimmings.

Expelled into the lone and dreary world of reality, the "apostate" is left with integrity intact and a sense of living without collective delusion.

I think the shunning of family members and instant divorces are the worst byproducts of Mormonism. I know it doesn't happen in every single instance. There are plenty of stories of parents and their children getting out intact, but even there, somewhere in the extended family network, there is probably an instance of shunning.

Church equals family and family equals church.

Two plus two equals zero. And Big Brother won't talk to me anymore.


MJ
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
A possible response:

Dear SIL, we are all adults here and we do not need to justify why we can not make it to an event to you or anyone else. It simply is none of your business. As we have said, we can not make it to sacrament, but we can make it to the gathering afterwords. Either that is good enough for you and we are welcome, or it is not good enough for you and we are not welcome, your choice. If it is not good enough for you, it is you that is rejecting use, not the other way around.


CA girl
Re: 1st bitter experience with family finding out
And if anyone asks you why you weren't there, tell them "Bob and Jane told us not to come. We couldn't make it for the blessing since we had an obligation we couldn't get out of - but we would have liked to come afterward and see everyone."


ishmael
p.s. Has SIL always been such a
Notice how SIL runs to the household priesthood holder after you set the boundary the first time. Looks as if he answers from her account.

Run to daddy, little girl.

Hard to find respect for SIL tattling and sniveling.

Pathetic.


Joy
Go ahead, and let that unimportant SIL accuse you of freeloading for food.
Hell, I would not go at all. I believe that prayers should be private, and that's all a "blessing" is. I regret going to my grandchild's "blessing." It was held at the in-law's house, and all the men were called to be in the prayer circle, except for my sons, who sat there, humiliated. Never again. I just say, "Well, you do your Mormon things, and I do my Lutheran things. It is all made-up stuff, anyway.

I get too angry when Mormons accuse me of being "unworthy." My integrity and morality is something that has guided my whole life, personally, and in business. Fortunately, my relationships and career seem to be "Mormon-proof" right now.

I'm glad you live away. Make new non-Mormon friends. Start your own family traditions, like the celebration of the Equinox, or the anniversary of the day you bought your car, or whatever.

Your SIL is negating you and your husband. She is accusing you both of being bad people, LESSER people, and not up to the standards of the rest of the family. She might be the only one doing this, so you need to keep your newly-opened mind open to the fact that perhaps not everyone in your family will have this reaction.

Why do we ex-Mormons have to walk on eggshells, and bow and scrape to the Mormons, when the Mormons are the ones who have deceived us and taken our money, and who try to hijack our children.

Save your reputation, and tell your family the truth, in a nice way. You don't have to tell them anything negative about their precious cult, either. Just tell them that you are Lutherans, now, or that you've decided to follow Christ instead of Joseph Smith, or that you want your children to be raised without Mormonism, to decide for themselves, etc. There are a lot of positive statements you can make, if you are afraid of rocking the boat. My cousin told his family that he was "taking a break from church for a while." He attended all the family functions, but did not participate in the religious ones. For example, he would probably not go to the blessing at all, but would show up for the after-party.

I would rather be accused as a food-mongering freeloader than someone who is "unworthy" of God's love!

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"